Tag Archives: voices

Come in Number 12, Your Time Is Up

The voices-outside-my-head, the ones i’m prepared to listen to, say it’s time we did another blog post. We’d like to say nah, and go back to writing, but apparently the voices bought a real cattle-prod on eBay, so we’re being very good.

I am still hyperventilating every time the book is downloaded, or the sample is. The book’s reached the unbelievable status of number 12 on the Smashwords charts and stayed there for most of the week (for Highest Rated Science Fiction Fantasy books).  Dropped to number 15 today, aw.

If this is at all representative of the fantasy genre, then I’ve obviously
been a fool to myself for ignoring it.
” (Smashwords review of The Birthday Dragon)

Mr Whatsit had to put up with me going round saying “Number 12!” a lot. And then reading my reviews to him, repeating the best bits over and over. He’s hiding downstairs, so you’re my next captive audience.

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Review of The Birthday Dragon
by:
David Willanski on June 30, 2011 : star star star star star
If JRR Tolkien, Douglas Adams, Jane Austen and Phillip K Dick were to collaborate on a book, they might write something like this.

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I’m being compared to more heavyweights (Pratchett, Willis) and am cautiously hopeful. I know the book is good, but i’m a realist – this is an ebook. A small market, but a growing one. I’m not represented, i have no publisher, i have no marketing budget. I do have reasonable distribution, through Barnes & Noble, Kobo, etc, thanks to Smashwords’ reach.

To not get an agent or a publisher was a deliberate choice.
How terrifically avant-garde of me.

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Why do you think this book’s appealing to people who aren’t that into scifi or fantasy?

People like a good story. As readers have said (Smashwords reviews),

This is a great adventure story with lots of twists, humour, wonder and, best of all, suicidal sheep.”

Most importantly – a sci fi styled book that has a lead character who is full of attitude and humour; not taking himself or the folk around him too seriously.”

Setting is secondary, science is secondary, (though it must be thought out, planned, and researched) but it’s the story of the people that’s primary. So you don’t need to be into science fiction, or fantasy, or whatever. Like to read? Like an adventure with some smiles? You’ll probably like this. (and you can read a big chunk for free to see.)

Yes there are castles, but they’re weird floaty things that I could quite clearly see were spectacular. Yes there are royals aplenty but they’re basically a bunch of drug taking sex addicts. Hardly the Windsors. More like Carry On Blackadder meets The Graduate – with added stimulants.” (Smashwords review)

I’ve been heavily influenced by science fiction writers like Jack Vance, who would put you on a world with mer-people , then take you on a detective story. I like my fiction developed, not just a few cipher characters to hang the science- or dogma-heavy plot on.

I love it when the writer takes me away.

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I’m not a huge fan of a lot of fantasy, and completely understand people getting turned off it- i’d never have bothered again either, if the only kind I read was full of archaic language and one-dimensional characters, with the plot copied from a template.

And of course, everyone writes dragon books the same. Someone’s not allowed to have their own dragon, yawn, they’re misunderstood, yeah yeah.

This isn’t really a dragon book (a marketing department wouldn’t have let me call it The Birthday Dragon), it’s based on the premise of what if the people were the dragons?

They got that way with genetic engineering, not with waving a wand – but as the ghost-who-says-he’s-not-one tells Polo, when Man created Dragon, he accidentally created real magic.

As a reader, I’ve always tried to learn as a writer from what irritated me, what left me feeling cheated, and what left me thinking yes, i loved that book.

In my DM’s on Twitter, someone said “i love it” when talking about my book.

What can i say? My life is perfect.

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You can read other reviews and get a free look at the book
about 25,000 words, 20%, a decent chunk to sink into.

Copyright 2011 https://stinginthetail.wordpress.com/


In celebration of our incredible good fortune…

I’d been waiting for them to come and arrest me or something after i published my book, The Birthday Dragon (The Journals of Polo Shawcross). Instead, @Tweet_Fail must be on drugs too, because she liked it.

Yes, someone’s finished it. And twelve other people bought it. I’m shocked. @Tweet_Fail liked it a lot. More beautiful words were said in private that left me fluffy for ages, and still make me glow when i think about them. People keep doing this – liking my writing – it’s lovely, but shocking.

The hero of my book, Polo Shawcross, (also my pen-name) would tell you that one must never be shocked. You can be surprised, but to be shocked marks you as an ingenue.

He learned this from an older woman during a long coach ride. Which you can read about for free, as it’s part of the 20%  free to sample  (about 25,000 words, enough for a decent commute) on Smashwords. If you want to read further, the whole book is $4.99.

But wait, there’s more…ahem… *waits until you look up from your phone* Yes, a competition. The voices-outside-my-head think it’s a good idea.

In similar fashion, they signed me up to something else i think is rather excellent, which i don’t have full details about yet, but it’s to give free ebooks to soldiers from all allied forces serving overseas, which i think is a nice gesture.  I’ll post more details when i have them.

Meanwhile, the competition.  Easy peasy.

Leave a comment answering these questions…

  1. What’s the name of the hero of my book? Hint: Also my pen-name.
  2. What’s the book called?

I’ll figure a way of randomly selecting two lucky winners.

Competition closes on Saturday midnight my time – which means as we’re in the future here in Oz, it will close Friday USA time. Or as the most excellent  timeanddate.com tells me…

The World Clock Meeting Planner – Details

These are the corresponding times for your meeting:

Location Local time Time zone UTC offset
Sydney (Australia – New South Wales) Sunday, 12 June 2011 at 00:00:00 EST UTC+10 hours
London (U.K. – England) Saturday, 11 June 2011 at 15:00:00 BST UTC+1 hour
New York (U.S.A. – New York) Saturday, 11 June 2011 at 10:00:00 EDT UTC-4 hours
Auckland (New Zealand) Sunday, 12 June 2011 at 02:00:00 NZST UTC+12 hours
Corresponding UTC (GMT) Saturday, 11 June 2011 at 14:00:00

The winners will be drawn at random to win a ebook copy of the book – downloadable from Smashwords.

It has to be approved (still a couple of weeks away) before it goes into the Apple Store, or onto Amazon, Barnes&Noble, etc, but you can download in any format from Smashwords now. Or have a look at the free sample.

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And then @Tweet_Fail (Barbara Bailey) did her review.  I am officially blown away.

Review by: Barbara Bailey on Jun. 09, 2011 : star star star star star
My favorite writers: Terry Pratchett, Connie Willis, and now, Polo Shawcross. This first book in what I anticipate will be an exciting thrill-ride of a series left me hungry for more.

Trouble seems to follow Polo, hide in the shadows, and catch him by surprise, often because of his inability to keep his mouth, and trousers, zipped.

The story is as believable as it is fantastic. The writer deftly spins humor in the most unlikely of places, shocked, horrified, and thrilled me regularly throughout. No matter what trouble awaits Polo, how spoiled or self-centered he seems, or how often I wanted to reach through the pages to smack some sense into him, he’s a genuinely good kid, and a very likeable one.

The mark of a good writer is the gamut of emotions they are able to evoke in the reader. I loved some characters, genuinely hated others, laughed out loud, got teary-eyed, and gasped in surprise; so engrossed in the book that I couldn’t put it down.

A posh life of luxury and power awaits Polo. I can’t wait to read the next book, and the entire series, to see if he can stay out of trouble (and alive!) long enough to reap his rewards.”

I’m just blissed…

You did see the stars, eh? 😀  star star star star star

And two more people went and bought the book.

Baby I’m amazed, as the Beatles might say.

Copyright 2011 https://stinginthetail.wordpress.com


I’m going to peel and salt Justin Bieber…

I’m going to be nice for a whole post. Stop laughing. I can do it. Alright, i probably can’t. So i’ll let the voices-outside-my-head do a post and i can go back to editing The Thing. (I’m two-thirds through the edit, for those following that thrilling saga.)

The last time the voices-outside-my-head did a post, it was New Year and i was going through my usual dislocated why-doesn’t-the-weather-match-the-Christmas-cards annual fugue, and the voices wished you joy in your life. I said you shouldn’t be fucktards. Both good bits of advice.

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Life can be an awful experience. No doubt about it. Bad things happen to good people and to bad ones, with no regard to who deserves it. No use getting stressed over it. Stress releases cholesterol into your blood stream, and it’s a fatty gunk that coats your arteries, and eventually blocks them. Use the energy to do something about what’s stressing you, but don’t just sit there.

It’s part of the old fight-or-flight-or-bugger-them-with-a-cactus reflex. The idea is you’ll burn that fat wielding your Cactus of Justice, or running away. If all you do is sit on your arse and shout, the way I do a lot, you’ll end up with high blood pressure, because your cloggy arteries are too small for the blood flow and your heart is over-worked. Oops, you just stroked out. (I’m not sure the voices should have let me type this, it’s much more cranky than they intended.)

Now, i don’t have high blood pressure, or high cholesterol, (any more), because i stopped worrying and learned to take joy in the moment. It’s not a permanent state, but it’s enough of the time that even with the extra weight i’m carrying, and my perpetual raging at the machine (on here and on Twitter), I’m not risking my life because i care.

Joy is where you find it. Watching nature, walking, cooking, making things, doing that perfect spreadsheet and knowing you’re going to make it financially through another month. Okay, so i’m not sure anyone but me gets that last one, but i totally love that feeling of being in the moment – i can get it washing up.

The big thing about the moment? Your brain is ostensibly off. You’re completely focused on the task in hand, even if that’s as simple as admiring the feather on a bird’s wing or that algebra formula.

You might be using your brain, focusing on some job, and the work might be hard, but you know you’re on the way to a goal, so it’s fine. And everything switches off. All worry, all care, all of it. You keep going, doing good work.

You come to, some time later. And often the solutions to problems are right there, as your ostensibly switched-off brain nutted out the answers while you were cleaning the silver.

We repeat. The word ‘enjoy’ means ‘with joy’ – so enjoy your life. Have it with joy. What else are you going to do with it? If you don’t like it, for most of us in the Western world at least, there are other solutions, like changing it.

You thought i was going to say ‘then top yourself if you don’t like it here’? Honestly, I’m the Antichrist, not a jingoistic right wing Earth patriot. I can imagine us in the future, snapping at alien immigrants the way the nasty little one nation types do. “If you don’t like this planet, then get off it!”

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That’s all, i can’t stand it. It goes against the grain, being nice. What with me being the Queen of Darkness and proxy Antichrist. New readers may be wondering how i got to be the Antichrist, and all i’m saying is that even the Antichrist turned out to respond to a good clout across the earhole with a walking stick, and is still in a coma. I have his passwords. Nuff said.

As for being the Queen of Darkness, that’s a much older story – when i used to be in a band, i was shouting about something i’d read about Christian fundamentalists, and said, “They’re so sure they’re on the side of Light. If that’s Light, then i’m the Queen of Darkness.” (Originally there was swearing, because it’s the only language muso’s understand.)

That was nearly 20 years ago, old news. The Antichrist gig is fairly new. But hey, i’m told i get to peel and salt the emos, and i can do what i like with Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. At the moment, i’m edging towards using the Gleaming Instruments of Death, but maybe the Cactus of Justice would do the trick.

Oh come on, who doesn’t want to torture Justin Bieber to death? Just for the fringe, people! Just for the fringe!As for Lady Gaga, well seriously, does anyone neeed a reason? Her whole schtick of pseudo-vulnerability wrapped in emo pouting deserves divine retribution.

© https://stinginthetail.wordpress.com


This is normal….

I had very little sleep last night, trying to blog may be pointless, but i am overdue something here, so ….

Let’s anchor ourselves in the world, shall we? I am not anchored, i barely know what day it is. As you’re all on different days, we won’t start the great timezone debate again. Well, we could. You see, unless you’re somewhere in the Pacific west of Hawaii, or in New Zealand, I AM IN YOUR FUTURE.

Unfortunately BP is still pissing oil all over the US coast. British Petroleum. Who reckons it’s a subtle revenge for you guys winning that one little war against them? Well, that’s far-fetched even as far as political conspiracy theories go, but I’m tired enough not to care. I care about the oil leaking, not about who did it and what kind of stupidity led to it.

Humans are full of stupid. It’s why we have legislation, to protect the rest of us from the stupid. I never understood why people think that’s a bad idea. After all, you only have to look at the history of the Industrial Revolution to know, if you rely on industry to police itself, you end up with oil slicks and dead people.

Seeing the US is very anti any government interference, so BP is free to do as they like, I think the way they’re about to kill all the board is cool . *whispers* Oh? One of the voices-outside-my-head said they’re not. The ‘top kill’ they’re going on about is not a boardroom cull. It’s a way to stop some of the pollution. Pfft. I am so disappointed. (At time of writing, the top-kill plan hadn’t worked.)

In other news, i have flu. Again, still, ad nauseum. All the fucktards ‘soldiering on’ – and incapable of covering their filthy germ-ridden faces when they cough or sneeze –  give it back to me every time i leave the house.

I though it was just me and Mr Whatsit, in the perpetual flu cycle, but spoke to a young friend who lives locally, discovered he and partner (young fit people) are also catching it over and over. He complained even his young friends who caught it kept coming over, despite being so ill they could barely walk. A health worker i know said that nearly everyone admitted to the local hospital has it, or rather, has complications from trying to soldier on.

Like us, my friend hasn’t been able to even get his flu shot this year. He works with the public, so is in ‘at risk’ area, but has no sick pay, thanks to being forced onto casual work, so he must soldier on, which he knows is wrong, but he can’t get the shot, thanks to not being well enough since bloody March.

The people at his work who are on full time (with sick pay) boast about having a full year’s sick leave available to them (accrued from LAST year), but won’t take a day off. Then they cough on him. *sighs* Thanks to the hysteria over the anti vaccination morons, people seem to be thinking catching flu, polio, whooping cough, or measles beats getting a shot.

Did i mention, i hate fucktards? So much i want to stamp them into pulp. Stamp! Stamp! Stamp!

Ahhhh.

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In a lovely bit of related news – the corrupt medico who started the whole anti vaccination movement has been struck off in the UK – he’s hiding in the US, of course. This was the best explanation of both his crimes (not an exaggeration) and the lack of science (and the hunt for profit for his own vaccination shot).

It’s also the funniest, and written in cartoon format – i recommend a read, it contained a lot of good background that was news to me. To see the other side’s science (lol) i suggest this wiki link. It’s about the Australian campaign to eradicate measles. Scroll down to “criticism”.

I’d like the power to arrest anyone who sneezes in public without their hand in front of their face, and to shoot anyone who coughs on me in the supermarket, but i’m guessing they’re not going to let me. Bastards. I’ll have to be satisfied with saying, “Excuse me, but before i break your nose so nothing else can escape, back off!” It’s worked well so far.

Well, so far i’ve only thought it at a few people, who seemed to get what i meant. Must be the look in my eyes.

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Now, the interesting stuff – oh yeah – ME. So, aside from flu, how am i? How’s The Thing Mark II going? Well, still plotting to escape the horrors of New South Wales (double the rainfall of London, for those who think this place sounds like a great place to live – sure, if you have webbed feet).

I have plans, schemes, and nefarious strategies even… but no money, so the Queensland Invasion ’09 ’10 ® is waiting for funds. For some reason, my begging for dollars isn’t going well – donations to the Buy Me A Tank Help Me Get Out of Here Fund have been noticeable by their absence.

You lot are slackers! What are you? *listens for the shout* Yes, so long as you know. Anyway, it’s alright, i wasn’t relying on my Minions. Ahem. I mean, Beloved Visitors, of course. You only have to read the blog and check me out on Twitter. If i ever finish The Thing, if it is ever published, then yes, i will force you to buy it. Emotional blackmail, probably, i will look pitiful and beg a lot.

Twitter is still my main line into the outside world. Enjoyable, informative, and a place to rant. *sound of whispering* As i am reminded, another place to rant. So, i’ve covered not feeling well… that wanker ex-doctor… BP pretending to kill their board… what else? I said, i’m sick, i can’t remember a thing. Oh yeah, The Thing!

By some mad miracle, i’ve managed to keep writing. I’ve been working on this one since I Killed The Thing back in late April. Currently, i’m on an average of 1,949 words a day, over 39 days. Some days i barely touch 300, others i manage 3,000 or more. Two thousand words a day is the target. If i keep going, i’ll be done with a first draft in three weeks.

Assuming,that is, i don’t get part way through and discover i’ve broken the plot, or that i just don’t like it. Which happened with the Original Thing. It’s painful to have to admit it’s crap, especially since it was supposed to be to draft stage by the end of February.

Fortunately, it’s only crap in parts, and i keep coming to bits in The Current Thing where i can either put in chunks of text (suitably edited) from The Old Thing, or the research i did for it means i don’t have to spend hours doing it now.

My span of attention (twitterised as it is) can’t focus here any more.

So you’re free! Fly away!

I plan to, just as soon as the drugs kick in.

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lolz – first time i published this, i realised too late, it had no title.

© https://stinginthetail.wordpress.com


Zen in the New Year…

Life goes on. Even for the Antichrist. Bought a tiny birdbath, ($35 for a terracotta one from Bunnings? Even i can afford that). Being treated to all kinds of parrot-play.

On hot days, i’ll top it up a few times, as they queue up to drink and swim, while the ones who can’t get in play in what’s splashed out. What, the Antichrist can’t have a birdbath?

A pair of lorikeets having a dipI did put that pic up on Twitpic a couple of weeks ago. It’s taken through the glass of the back wall, next to my desk. Should have had it on Sports, that’s just Through Glass – trusty Olympus Stylus 840 did well. I have a fantastic view usually, but since the birdbath it’s even better.

The lorikeets are just like people. Some don’t like getting their heads wet, others are afraid to let go of the edge. Some are like Aqua Parrot, dive in, soaking themselves, splashing, standing on their heads, and then flapping their wings in a rainbow ecstasy of joy. They all, no matter how wet they get, just love it. It’s hard not to get distracted.

Still, i figure it’s good to take a moment, observe joy, and hold it close to your heart. Let it fill you, and then share it with the world. Barring serious chemical imbalances, you always have a choice – to choose misery, or happiness.

I personally believe that choosing misery often enough means you can cause the chemical imbalances. I’ve seen too many people do it over the years. Choose to be happy, instead.

May joy find you in 2010.

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This post brought to you (so far) by the voices-outside-my-head, who are much nicer than moi. Me, for 2010, i hope you stop being a fucktard. That would be nice.

I hope you stop pretending politicians, the news, TV, the media generally, your religious leaders, and the people trying to sell you things, won’t lie to you. I don’t lie to you, but then i don’t need your vote, or your arse on a seat in the congregation – you see, that’s what the AK47’s are for.

I hope you start reading labels, and don’t fall for crap like “eco-friendly” when it’s made of polyurethane, or other petroleum derivatives. (Yes, i’m looking at you, supermarket “green” bag.)

Don’t believe “low GI” or “low fat” can be good for you, or your kids, when the product is 50% sugar. (Yes, chocolate hazelnut spread, kids’ chocolate cereals, and chocolate malt ‘energy drink’ marketed as low GI food for kiddies, i’m looking at you. )

Pay attention to words, dear Minions of Darkness Beloved Visitors. That’s where the meaning is, no matter what the litcrit crazies tell you. I hope you learn the difference between marketing and truth. Hint: one is not actually true.

Oh yeah, and i hope you have a good time. Choose fun. Tell anyone who asks, the Queen of Darkness made you do it. She’s the Antichrist, you can explain, and it lays the groundwork for your defence on insanity grounds. (And mine.)

Yep, providing the real Antichrist doesn’t come out of the coma before the Rapture, (and he won’t once i tap him on the head with a good length of heavy hickory), we’re set.

2010 is going to be an excellent year.

© https://stinginthetail.wordpress.com


I Am The Traffic Cone on Your Highway…

I detect a sense of Christmas obsession in those who accidentally visited this blog in the last week. Now (i think) i know why My House Is Trying To Kill Me (the old post on mould/mold) is getting so much traffic – it’s people looking for gingerbread.

I hope you enjoyed the rant on the stupidity of doctors, the cruelty of real estate agents, the possibly pertinent advice on health, and the pretty gingerbread house pic. At least i cited the pic’s origin, so they wouldn’t waste their time, and meanwhile, decuisine (where pic comes from) is getting a lot of hits from me. ‘Tis the season for giving, right?

I’m the Antichrist, this jolly Christmas bollocks doesn’t come naturally.

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Thought for the Day: Did you take time to muse on the exquisite cruelty of Google, that brings you interesting things to read when you really don’t have time to get distracted by a blog?

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The gingerbread thing is out of control out there…


welcome to my award-winning blog

I was up to my neck in The Thing (my work in progress), only sticking my head into Twitter once a day, not to mention neglecting my blog except for apology posts – the ones you make when you need to let everyone know you are still alive  – when @Jean_Blore named me as her favourite Kreativ Blogger. *happy dance* I’m thrilled. *preens*

To my surprise, people have been visiting in quite large numbers. I feel so guilty. I don’t know why so many of you are reading “Argh, My House is Trying To Kill Me” but hey, it’s real nice. I’ve been linked somewhere, and am not getting any notification of where.

I love my blog, and want to write more, but i only have so many personalities. We are not infinite. Well, not completely, yet. I’m completely focused on The Thing, which is about 75,000 words in, out of a total of 110,000 – it’s a fantasy sci fi – means i can have dragons and biodegradable plastics.

kreativ-blogger award - woot!

I’m so chuffed with this Kreativ Blogger Award. (Chuffed is good.) Anyway, there are rules. Rules freak us out, but we’re going to be good and list them here.

Now, these are the rules for this award…

1. Copy and paste the picture above, onto your own blog.
2. Thank the person who gave you the award and post a link to their blog.
3. Write 7 things about yourself we do not know.
4. Choose 7 other bloggers to award.
5. Link to those 7 other bloggers.
6. Notify your 7 bloggers.

Thanks for this, Jean, it means a lot. I met Jean via her blog, I think, (though we also keep in touch on Twitter) and we just clicked. I love the slice of Bangalorean life that is The Garden City LENS.

Which brings us to things you didn’t know about us. I mean, me. Gosh, it’s so hard to differentiate sometimes. I have no edges.

  1. I told you about being raised by Siamese Cats. However, I didn’t tell you how i nearly got a job as a dominatrix, but decided against it. I’m quite in favour of doing evil things to people, but i do have to be attracted.
  2. Gawd, i’ve shared way too much, i’m stuck for secrets. Ooh, i just read Jean’s post again. She’s a Leo. I’m a Scorpio. Yes, i did mention my birthday, but not specifically that i was a Scorpio. For those already backing away from the blog, I’m highly evolved, and hardly ever kill people for revenge.
  3. I’m a natural blonde.
  4. My first poem was when i was seven, about ponies. My mother holds the only copy and is blackmailing me with it.
  5. Dad died in ’02, and i’m the only one of my family to make my peace with him before he died. He often visits, which is disconcerting.
  6. That probably brings us to a really decent secret: I see dead people. Well, hear them better than i see them. Not just dead people. An assortment of entities.
  7. Which explains this one: I used to work as a psychic. I don’t really like taking money for it, which is a shame, because there’s obviously heaps of dollars to be made. We can see how it goes, first, you need to get yourself classified as a religion.

Damn, i was quite enjoying being the centre of attention there. However, we haz rules. Here’s a selection of favourites from my Twitter lists.

It was a toss up between all seven for my current favourite, but Tweet_Fail it has to be, i visit her blog most. The others are not in any particular order, i haven’t tried to sum them up too much, other than i enjoy them all, and recommend a read.

  1. @tweet_fail
    http://www.twitter-fail.com/
    My Kreativ Blogger award goes to: a woman and a bird, who’ve become dear friends. (I have a Tweet Fail tshirt, photos pending.) The blog makes me laugh – and they’re right: some people just don’t get Twitter.
  2. @Kimota
    http://www.jonathancrossfield.com/blog/
    Always some kind of quality writing, whether funny or thoughtful.
  3. @Bern_Morley
    http://www.bernmorley.blogspot.com
    I’ve promoted Bern here before, so let me just say her blog is worth a read. You may laugh, you may cry.
  4. @NatalieGreen
    http://www.colourfulwords.blogspot.com/
    More quality writing – her recent post on lying to children was a classic.
  5. @Gabfran
    http://lawandshoes.wordpress.com/
    I love this blog – humour, fashion, law, and Gabfran’s mind.
  6. @rickofawesome
    http://www.sitdownforthis.blogspot.com/
    Rick’s just great – good writing, funny, and i like his mind.
  7. @shoppologist
    http://shoppologist.blogspot.com/
    the science of shopping, and getting shoppers to spend – fascinating. (And i won his book in a competition!)

So, there they be, and i think any one of them is worth a visit.
Thanks again, Jean. I’ve enjoyed this.

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© https://stinginthetail.wordpress.com


Now Contains Added Bacon!

In other news – the Invasion of Queensland ’09™ has become the Invasion of Queensland ’09 ’10™… probably after mid-year. Which is annoying, but these things are sent to try us. And i know by whom.

God better watch out when i get to Heaven, i am going to nail the bastard’s scrotum to the wall. Another year (possibly that long) in New South Wales? Arrggh.

And i had tshirts made!

I go with what's popular

I go with what's popular

Sadly, Queensland is a bit like Jerusalem – warm, infested with terrorists tourists, you should be able to find a Kosher butcher, and it’s been put off until next year. Lack of funds mainly.

Extreme bummer, and ironic – we had an offer of free rent for a few months that would have enabled us to save some money. Ah well, these things happen. If i discern a reason, God’s Holy Hand Grenades get a reprieve.

Meanwhile, i’m trapped in New South Wales. *heavy sigh* And sooner or later someone  – who didn’t like me being critical over the weather or my paddles in the shallow end of the Central Coast gene pool – will recognise me and try to stone me to death.

Probably as i wander lost in The Wilderness (AKA Erina Fair, biggest shopping centre between Sydney and Queensland). It’s tough being the Antichrist.

I’ll just have to take over this state first. I can’t be bothered waiting until we can invade Queensland. So, the revolution begins.

I  suppose if i had a new tank, especially one with air-con, *hint hint* i might be persuaded to pop down, massacre every Sydney celeb that i can find – except those in my Twitter list. I promise by the #cultofmarkpesce (a strange, sweater-loving cult) not to hurt Mark Pesce.

However, Kyle Sandilands will be first to the wall. I reckon that ‘shock jock’ should be rebranded – ideally in the middle of the forehead with a hot iron – how does “famous for being a wanker” sound?

****

Reading back, i note this is the second blog in a row where i’ve mentioned nailing someone’s genitalia. Though abusing God’s is a new one. I’ll probably find i’m wrong, and “How many of God’s testicles can dance on the head of a pin?” was a common theme for debate in your average Middle Ages monastery. Or nunnery.

Genital abuse could be a theme, or maybe a motif. It could symbolise something. Like me wanting to kill things. I think this is part of being a real writer. “Oooh, ‘ark at her, a motif. Ain’t we la-de-dah?” It’s alright, that was just a voice from inside my head, we don’t pay attention to those.

I could use a staple-gun instead? For Kyle’s boy bits. Would that be more humane? I think i’d enjoy stapling parts of Kyle to a backboard far too much for my own good.

It might be tricky, him being so obviously over-compensating for lack of oomph. (Yes, that is a euphemism, for me being very rude.) Wait, didn’t one of the Hooker Dolls for PrePubescents ® come with her own Professional Dungeon & Dominatrix kit? Or did i dream that?

*sound of whispering*

Aw, shame, because there was a tiny staple-gun in the equipment,
the  perfect size.

****

I was distracted from such happy thoughts by these figures just to hand. Beloved Visitors can be divided, those whose country of origin can be discerned, and those who can’t. Why do you hide from me, preciouses?

About half of you, i know where you come from. Don’t panic! Only your country, nothing more. I landed on one site yesterday that had a groovy widget that said the latest visitor, (i.e. me), came from  “Budgewoi NSW” and swung the animated globe to where i am and zoomed in.

It was just someone’s blog, but I found myself wanting to hide under the desk and pull the curtains, in case a Google Earth van pulled up outside. Talk about scaring the Beloved Visitors. I don’t want to make anyone nervous like that.

However, I need more. I’m hooked on having minions slaves Beloved Visitors.

****

There is only one thing for it – i’m going to have to spread my market demographic. We have eunuchs, budgerigar fanciers, those pining for ponies,  toaster sex aficionados, and the occasional lost soul who seems to be looking for me, or possibly God.

I’m trapped in this deity niche, i need to diversify my appeal. No problem, we already have sex, religion, politics, what else is everyone into?

****

We need more junk food, everyone likes junk food – i need to put in more pies, pizza, beer, and bacon. At the same time, by mentioning low fat, i’ll automatically pull in dieters. Oh, how fickle are search engines.

I found out what a corn dog was the other day – America, your shame is exposed. It’s fat and pigs’ lips, poached in oil. Okay, so technically, it’s a hot dog sausage, encased in corn batter and fried.

Anyway, i need more fat and beer – or at least the blog does. Tea and crumpets are not enough. Marmalade does not feed the man inside. I need some of that cheese that comes in a can in case there are people who don’t get cheese.

I should probably have a sausage sizzle. (No, that’s not a euphemism. Aussie tradition to earn some money, serve cheap eats, outside some shopping centre: sausages and fried onion in bun or bread with sauce.)

Note to self: stop scaring away men by talking about sex. Probably hold off the genital nailing until they get used to the castrations. If i really am serious about spreading my appeal, we need less about me getting the trains to run on time, and more about “Beers for all my friends!”

This blog’s been too low fat, except for the butter on the crumpets. There’s been hardly any booze, and not enough ball games. Unless stapling them counts?

ZOMG! I could staple bacon to Kyle! Woot, pork-on-pork action! “Baybee, we can haz hot secs nao?”

I don’t know who said that, everyone’s saying it was the other guy. I suspect the voices-outside-my-head, because they’re more into puns. I have a better idea.

We could race local wannabe’s like Kyle and his sidekick Jackie O (who makes Paris Hilton look classy), along the Opera House steps. Ooh, we can use Rove, of course.  MacManus and Karl. The Aussie one AND the US one, why not? (Is the US one a cool guy? Cos he doesn’t have to die if you speak up now.)

Celebrity racing, with bacon, uh-huh.
I can see it – nude except for bacon loincloths.

We know what you want...

We know what you want...

The bacon’s just because everyone, no matter what socio-economic bracket, loves bacon. Liberal, Labor, Green, or People Even More Crazy Than Me, out here on the lonely Anarchist Monarchist fringes of polite politics. Me and Al Gore, we both pine to be queen.

Republican or Democrat – even if bacon is your shame – you love it. Bacon’s your guilty secret. And if we staple it to celebrities, sharks will be able to eat them without gagging.

And it occurs to me, i haven’t been instilling enough fear in the populace. I think my new TV show, Shark Versus Wanker, will do the trick.

****

Message to presenters: you will present the show, not yourself, thanks, or we will staple bacon to you.

A special invited audience will throw rotten meat as you run past, then are cattle-prodded dive jauntily into Sydney Harbour. Oh, how we will laugh as you try to make it to the Heads.

Jackie O would look très cute with a few bits of bacon
stapled to her chihuahua (that’s a euphemism).

the next big game show idea

the next big game show idea "Not Waving, But Sharkbait"

I will be chumming the water with fishguts and cheering on the Sydney Harbour Bull Sharks. These are real sharks, not actually a team, but I think it would be HUGE. Yes, there will be cheerleaders from all the major football teams to chase into the water – for a small fee you even get your own cattleprod.

Before someone gets pedantic, that’s a Great White in the picture – it was taken in a studio, with makeup, and Cedric is just pretending to be a bull shark. Cedric is 8 metres (26 feet) long, and normally prefers colder waters. But for Kyle, he says he’ll make an exception.

And of course, that’s Kyle Sandilands to Cedric’s left, pretending to be a human being. Yes, Kyle’s head IS to scale. Don’t forget, no sentient creatures would be harmed in the making of this new gameshow, and we’d dispose of a pollutant. It’s a win:win.

Of course the celeb’s will be in it – look how much money Michael Jackson and Elvis have made since they became dead for tax reasons. Besides, Kyle will do anything if there’s a media pack there.

Excuse me, i think i follow his agent on Twitter,
i have to run before someone else pitches this.

****

What’s Toaster Sex? Sex with household appliances.
Gosh, i need to explain? Just remember to hold onto the cord.
And obviously, to unplug it first.

Here, i’ve blogged about it before. I even had Charlton Heston soliciting gay Hummer sex. (Yes, that’s with a car, men always like cars more than something out of the kitchen.)

If you’d like to see more pretty toaster sex pics, try here too.

© https://stinginthetail.wordpress.com


Did i ever pretend to be normal?

The voices outside-my-head have decided to do a post. I’m high enough to not care, and Her Majesty is busy carving her initials in the throne, so they think they can fit a word in edgeways.

*********************

I did mention I’m not all here, being part-cat – I was raised by Siamese cats, which of course, means i’m not like normal girls. The nurture-versus-nature debate has no idea what that war does inside my head.

Outside my head, the voices are nice, and never tell me to hurt anyone – quite the opposite, they do a lot of “Stop, that will hurt someone badly for no good reason.” I know you’re just a person like me, no matter that I am convinced i’m the centre of the universe.

However, inside me there’s a Siamese, looking inscrutable and totally Zen, saying “We will play with it before We kill it. Yesss?” In moments of stress, the urge to lash out before anything bad happens sometimes overwhelms me.

tombstone

i did warn you

I know, i know – i sound quite mad. I have no idea why they wouldn’t give me a certificate of insanity – they laughed and said i was the sanest person they knew. With this mind? What is wrong with psychologists?

Who – in the name of all that’s dusted with pixie dust – do they hang out with? Scientologists? My belief system is way more crazy-than-thou, (and i’m apparently competitive over it), with heaps of contradictions that even i can see.

I’ve reached a point where I don’t care. It works for me. I’m not hurting anyone – quite the opposite. I’m not trying to indoctrinate you, this is My Church, and frankly, my worship is a private thing, my covenant with the gods is my own.

*********************

Siamese consider themselves (like every cat, but more so), just visiting from The Wild, while taking advantage of everything humans can offer in way of comfort.

I too hold contradictory notions, my pantheon has no trouble with worshipping Science while i dabble in the Occult, believe in Reincarnation, and some kind of Universal Spirit which might be God or more probably – gods. I also sometimes look at it all from a purely scientific viewpoint – I know that it doesn’t matter.

What do you mean, Deathbringers a funny name for a cat?

Ah, a mortal - greetings - you have brought tribute?

I also quite like the idea of being a deity myself, (seriously, i’m much better at managing the lives of others than i am with my own, like most gods), though cult followers are disconcerting, as i get paranoid when people are behind me.

However, someone saying, hey, i really like what you’re doing, is exactly like injecting happiness, so don’t stop, those who get the urge.

Whatever i believe, i live my life as if it was the last one. It’s what you’re supposed to do. Enjoy it. It doesn’t mean partying crazily every night or fucking as many people as you can, or making as much money as you can – none of those things by themselves bring joy.

Enjoy simply means, have joy with it. To quote Monty Python…

Life’s a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke it’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show.
Keep ’em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And…

Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.

Yes, i’m the Queen of Darkness – of course i enjoy black humour. The voices want to know how we ended up singing Monty Python songs.

Do i need a reason?

*********************

Thus endeth the lesson.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com


You never write…

Yeah, i have been thinking of you. It’s just that when i said back in March we wanted to move, i didn’t expect it to take so long. Just deleted the fourth new post i’ve tried to write lately. They didn’t sound right. I’m not a journo, or a paid blogger, forced to churn out copy, and my blog hopefully doesn’t sound like it, but those posts did.

Anyway, back in early May, Mr Whatsit (whilst organising a possible source of moving-house funds, in the form of a forgotten part-year tax refund from 8 years ago) tried to get old paperwork out of a medical insurance company.

Here in Australia, if you don’t have medical insurance when you can afford it, (he was high up in a telecom company then, and could), you get a nasty tax penalty – which would be the whole amount of the refund. So to get his tax back, he has to prove he paid for insurance.

The company was scarily inept on the phone, (they let slip that Mr Whatsit’s ex still has the same postal address, for instance, plus other indiscretions), but they decided to be extra-careful of releasing any info, and said it had to go to legal.

Mr Whatsit was told at least 6-8 weeks, waited patiently, then was ill, so didn’t call back at 8 weeks. When he did call, at 11 weeks, was told, “Why hasn’t this been sent to you? It’s just sitting in the stack.” Nice lady put it in the post, it was here in one working day – by the end of July.

So now we can fill in some forms, and start waiting again. Which is one reason why i’ve not been into blogging. What’s the point? Absolutely nothing is happening.

In case you’re not clued up, it’s the bleak midwinter, southern hemispheric-ally speaking. That is, in the Land of Oz, it’s cold and drear… oh, but the sun is shining today.

And i’m tired of whining about being sick, so can only imagine how you lot feel. The flu is finally starting to let go a bit, but after one major relapse with it, i’m not going to tempt Fate, and say i’m over it.

Unfortunately, Mr Whatsit’s become very ill, and may need spinal surgery – nothing to do with the flu, except that coughing and sneezing may have set the whole thing off.

His doctor is being a prick, refusing to give us a referral back to Mr Whatsit’s neurosurgeon, (who operated where the pain is, so should be consulted), and saying we should wait for A FUCKING YEAR to get into a clinic in pain management up in Newcastle.

He doesn’t need freaking management from some hippy with Certificate II & III in Chronic Pain Management in a year, he needs to see his neurosurgeon NOW, or (without unfortunately, any exaggeration whatsoever), he’ll be on morphine in a week or so and in a fucking wheelchair before fucking Christmas!

Ahem – Mr Whatsit has had around 8 major spinal operations – amateurs do not get near him. Just touching him wrong could cripple him – his spine is fucked.  So we go back to doc, (and the government pays his fucking fee again) and this time, tell him to sign a freaking referral – no more asking nicely – or we will find someone else who will.

****************

I’ve tried to get into some other subjects – fashion, for one – but nothing worked. I nearly got a blog post out of the latest no-eyebrows look, (as seen in Balenciaga & Givenchy collections) but it went blah.

Yes, they look like the Vulcan/Klingon crosses on Star Trek, or maybe emos with Neanderthal tendencies, but I am lacking patience – trying to do a light, funny post on the idiocies of fashion victims wasn’t a good move.

Promoting death for fashion designers who make women look fugly probably isn’t legal. When it comes down to it, though i can still reach Zen, it’s been a rough winter.

So that’s why, though i can happily lock in for hours on my novel or dip for a few minutes in the happy splashfest of Twitter, writing a blog has been so hard.

Sorry, nothing left to be amusing with.

*******************

This blog’s never been particularly about my life on a day-to-day level, so it feels weird to be putting this here, but i am honest in these posts. (Hard to tell with the mad parts, but i am.)

But i guess you need to know why i’m not writing.

I’m too fucking worried.

***************

In other news, i may have found the funniest thing ever. Srsly. Extreme sheeps and the men who love them. (That’s a video link, which i don’t do usually, but it’s only just over 2 mins long.) The wonder of what happens when men are left alone with sheep.

Totally safe for ewe to put onscreen at work, and worth watching all the way to the end. I just love it – humans – so amazing.

(I didn’t actually find it – @Froosh posted it on Twitter.)

*******

Oh – and i’m completely undrugged…. which is shocking and accounts for part of my inability to show tolerance and kindness. I did sneak around Twitter doing good deeds and helping people this week. Nothing like a bit of voluntary work to help you forget your own problems.

How does one sneak? I was looking for things, and spotted people I wasn’t following who weren’t following me, asking questions or having problems, and helped them. I know, i know – it’s some kind of weird compulsion. White_wave even said

@stinginthetail OMG You are NOT the Antichrist! You are the first person to offer me honest-to-god roadside help that isn’t more exploitation!
3:55 PM Jul 26th
from web in reply to stinginthetail

That was so sweet. Sprung! Yes, we have become co-Tweeple.

**************

Well, i’m drug-free except the prescription ones that keep me alive – the mould in the house doesn’t agree with my heart, apparently, along with putting my body into a permanent state of extreme allergic reaction.

Straight sucks. How do people live like this?

The voices outside-my-head say we can endure.

So, we endure.

EDIT : some good news, the latest scans today (28th July 09) show Mr Whatsit’s spine is crap, but where he has the artificial disk (a piece of metal nestling rather close to his spinal cord) is apparently all fine. This is an incredible relief, as if it went wrong, a fused neck would be a good outcome, and a bad one was quadriplegia. He may still need surgery, but having been through 4 fusions and a disk replacement, pfft – this is something we can deal with.

NOTE: in case anyone thinks my drugfree state is me coming off some hard drugs, it’s not – i just have no painkillers – otherwise known as marijuana. Without it i have to rely on pharmaceutical painkillers – which don’t actually work half as well and are poisonous to my body –  for my own rather fucked up back.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com