Tag Archives: Tony Robbins

so, how big is your virtual penis?

I dropped in on the Bloggess’s blog – i want a Jenny doll that dispenses pills and vodka, is nearly raped by giraffes (that was a couple of months ago), screams at Victor, oh, yeah, and offers William Shatner a hooker *snigger*  – there’s a merchandising opportunity for someone.

WAIT! Don’t click that link, you’ll be gone for hours, read the rest of this one, then go enjoy the Bloggess.

She mentioned Robert Scoble (aka @Scobelizer) unfollowing people on Twitter. So, through Jenny, (as i then checked) i discovered Mr Scoble had unfollowed me – i was one of the 102,000. (This is me resisting the urge to scream SPARTA and attack Mr Scoble with a short sword.) He now only follows people he knows, fellow-geeks, and (powerful) people he admires. [note, i had to change the link after Mr Scoble removed the post - that link's on Mashable, and they also reference the post he removed.]

WAIT! Don’t click that link either, it’s not relevant. *takes the safety off the Hello Kitty Kalashnikov* Don’t make me shoot you before i give you the potted version.  Oh frick, i suppose you’re going to read it now.

It’s basically him saying omg how amazing, if you pay attention to who your followers on Twitter are, and don’t just follow back blindly, you have a better experience. Shock, horror! (Alright, so he has interesting bits on his blog you might like, i suppose you could look at it after you read The Bloggess.)

He followed TheBloggess back after a few hours. She’s both admirable and powerful (and should be getting megabucks *gives meaningful stare at those who have megabucks*), and he knows her in real life *sighs* triple whammy.

Anyway, i didn’t mind him unfollowing, it was silly of him to be following me, as we don’t talk; i’m not a geek (i am not! I haven’t programmed in a decade and i was never interested, I only did it because it was useful); i’m not famous or powerful, (yet); and anyway, i stopped following him back in about April. (I joined Twitter in mid March 09.)

We don’t actually have anything in common, aside from following @TheBloggess on Twitter. He’s a technological evangelist, I’m the Antichrist. Which probably means we do have things in common, but we haven’t figured that out yet. I’ve unfollowed people on Twitter only to discover months later that i really enjoy their tweets, and i refollow.

Interesting fact about Twitter that i learned from his blog – even with 1,000 people, you start losing tweets – that is, they don’t show up. I’ve noticed this at busy times (when the USA is online) with only 400 i’m following, and 500 followers.

Now, i don’t refollow automatically, (since the first time someone spammed me), and i block anyone who’s actually a spammer so they can’t follow me.

The ‘lost tweets’ do seem to show up later for me, but i don’t get that many @ replies in my tweetstream (check  out how many people are tweeting strange things @ someone famous – it’s scary) and most of my stream aren’t directed @ me. Still interesting that the more people, the less you’re able to actually communicate with them on Twitter.

Meanwhile, I’m thinking wow, he only just realised that being spammed on Twitter sucks. I was writing blogs on that months ago. We’re talking about a man who joined back in… ooh, was it 20 November 2006?

Evidently, when he was following 102,000 people or so, (he autofollowed everyone back), he kept getting spammed. As we’d say in Australia, “Dur, Fred.” (Means “I thought that was obvious.”)

He also got a lot of pure advertising on his main Twitter screen, (say it aint so! who knew?!) and since he unfollowed everyone, (then followed back who he actually wanted to follow – gosh, there’s a radical concept), he’s lost the advertising! And no-one is spamming his DM box!

Where’s the facepalm icon? Do you know anyone who facepalms in real life? I don’t. I am not sure I know how. WTF is a facepalm anyway? Excuse me while i consult the oracles. Oh, wait, i DO know what a facepalm is, we didn’t call it that before. (In real life, Mr Whatsit just facepalmed about something unrelated. Talk about life imitating art!)

Stop facepalming me!

Mind you, while you’re busy judging me for that blonde moment – there are 190 people commenting on this dude’s blog (though some also said their regional equivalent of  “Dur, Fred”).

Usually, not even 1 in 10 visitors comment, so the number of people reading him in a week is way more than my Beloved Visitors in total since March. *shines the Beloved Visitors and puts out the tea things* Yes, preciouses, you shall have crumpets with marmalade.

If i have ONE comment, i chuck a party! I get excited just knowing someone drops in EVERY day. Yes, you’re here looking for porn, but i don’t judge you! Actually, two people came here looking for “Malcolm Turnbull humour”and one for “bloody hello kitty” and there have been – as i predicted in previous posts – some lost ornithologists.

Porn visitors are still my main accidental market. *sighs* It’s the net, i really shouldn’t expect much more. Note the desperate, misspelled “real sex doll” hunters are out in force, but i do well from mentioning native animals – this is what Search Engine Optimisation experts don’t tell you – budgies are good for hits.

Feel i should add, i didn’t deliberately do this, it’s like the eunuchs, i was just expressing myself, said ‘penectomy’, and i’m suddenly picking up the nullification and castration market.

However, Beloved Visitor numbers are pleasing Her Majesty, as for no reason we can discern (you don’t always laugh at the bits we find hysterical), people are visiting – between 5-30 a day. We do better when we procrastinate on the book and play on Twitter, or if we can spare time to do blog posts and remember to promote them.

Mind you, many of Robert Scoble’s Beloved Visitors (or the Bloggess’s) who do comment are trying to promote their own websites, and it’s interesting watching all the schmoozing going on. But i’m left thinking, well, good thing this Scoble bloke can run a website, or he’d be screwed, cos in the real world, he’s a bigger blonde than i am. (If that hair’s natural, i think he is, literally.)

Businessweek.com pic of Robert Scoble (copyright Thomas Hawk)

Businessweek.com pic of Robert Scoble (copyright Thomas Hawk)

Mr Scoble is an authority – evidently, *consults oracles again, using “robert scoble, authority, social media”* AND he was someone famous before last year. I had forgotten that last year even existed!

Now, ‘Technical Evangelist’ sounds like something made up, right? But no, they paid him, and all because he invented computers, the web, technical evangelism, worked for  Microsoft and dared to criticise them, and was head wrangler on the 9-MSN website.

But he didn’t know spam was boring shite something you’re better off without? Well, there you go. Explains a lot about the 9-MSN website, and about Microsoft.

I’ve blogged before about most people who are held up as authorities, or say they understand social media – don’t mean to include the Scobelizer in that, btw, he deserves credit for shanking Microsoft from within, for learning about his field (Twitter really is a better experience if you manage your followers), and for being like normal people, in putting off cleaning out his Twitter Followers.

I  respect procrastination, that’s a sign you’re not Tony Robbins , or someone suckered by the ‘everyone, get rich!’ bollocks of the multi-level marketers, with the sub-text of ‘if you’re not rich, it’s your fault’. (Subtext from me: do not punch the fucking air again, or i will kill you)

You may even deserve kudos for just getting out of bed in the morning. (The Scobelizer procrastinated so long, he had to get someone to write a program to delete that many. *suitably awed*)

Hopefully, he’s learned size isn’t everything. Size isn’t even that important – as any woman will tell you, it’s how you use what you’re blessed with that matters.

Men nearly always translate this into keeping their Followers up for hours.

Women usually mean oral sex, kissing, and good touching.
Nothing to do with Twitter at all.

********************

Feel i should mention, the above is mostly complete bullshit,
and meant as humour. Or even humor.

Follow Robert (Scobelizer) Scoble on Twitter
Follow @TheBloggess on Twitter
Follow @WilliamShatner on Twitter

Follow the war against William Shatner by TheBloggess’s followers,
(even crazier than she is, and yes, i’m proud to be one),
after he blocked her on Twitter, on her blog link at the very top of the page
or at the Twitter trend #UnblockTheBloggess

His side of it? He has a side? I think he just thought she was nuts.

[note: eventually, he unblocked her and the army could go home, or at least stop tweeting]

********************
Follow me on Twitter @stinginthetail

The rules are simple.
Laugh at my jokes, or die.

I’m actually very nice, seriously – my tweets are unlocked, you’ll see most of them are happy inoffensive poems about dwarves and fairies having race wars.

But don’t mention marketing opportunities or ways to whiten my Followers’ teeth, because i will block you before you can say “Make $$$ – ask me how!”

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com


Camel Toe for the Beginner

What’s in the news? Drunken footballers gangbanging drunken teenage girls? The Federal Budget? *yawn* i’m so over the real world. How about Texts From Last Night? This is my new favourite site of the moment. How could one resist this conversation?

(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Or this bit of poignancy.

(404): I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

We’ve all been there. Then there’s possibly my favourite conversation:

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother…or stop drinking so much…I don’t want to see this

You can see why i love it. If you get bored with Texts from Last Night, on the right of their page you’ll find Flickr from Last Night. Nothing like porn and other people to put everything in perspective.

Other things making me laugh this week include the Cute Food Blog – which makes me laugh in a delighted way and go ohh! Beautiful food pictures – the gingerbread house is to die for.

Then there was the Slave Control Software site, for those who would like to be sexually controlled, but are afraid of humans or perhaps humans won’t meet them in real life.

Some people have lost the  notion that sexual roleplay is actually just roleplay. That made me laugh then stop laughing as i realised it was for real. Well, as real as automated cybersex can be.

One can go all the way in the non-human stakes. No, i don’t mean one of those blow up sex sheep (real) or a RealHamster (funny funny funny) – i’m talking Real Dolls. These are carefully crafted sexually-accurate mannequins that are supposed to look realistic. For mannequins, i suppose they do. They come in female or male with just a torso if you don’t want all that weight.

Roxanne the Real Doll - wiki image

Roxanne the Real Doll - wiki image

The funniest part about Real Dolls is how much people pay for them. They cost over $6,000 US (approx 7,600 Aussie), and up. There was a documentary years ago about the female Real Dolls and the men who buy them, dress them, and take them on picnics.

Oh yeah, and have sex with them – you can buy spare vaginas or other bits, the ones that wear first, and when you wear them a bit thin in a few places, you can send them back for refurbishment.

If you belong to a dating site, you can bet you’ll see pictures of Real Dolls on them, but they’ll be pretending to be real women. People are strange.  Sexually, people are very, very strange. Me probably heaps more than you, I’m not being judgemental.

Unless you’re the guy who (tried to find link to his site, but i can’t) had the fetish of building models of skyscrapers, about 3′ tall (one metre) and then sitting on them. Not inserting them, just crushing them under his butt like a Godzilla who needed to sit down. Ooh yeah, baby!

I’m also not stranger than you, if you’re the chick with the octopus up her i saw yesterday. It was an accident, i didn’t go looking for octopus porn. I mean, me seeing it was an accident.

It might have been an accident, I suppose, I don’t know how she got the octopus up there. Perhaps she “fell on it and it just shot up there” or something like that. It looked alive, which was a scary thought.

You get a whole new kind of follower on Twitter when you say words with porn in them, like “porn” or even “sex”. You can try not to say certain words, or put a break in them – like por n or p*rn – but marketing, media, sex, porn, tentacles, PR, and SM are all words/initials i use. Though i mean Sadism and Masochism, they mean Social Media.

I lost five followers right after the below, i’m not sure if it’s coincidence.

@BernardKeane said “Apropos of nothing, I hate Deepak Chopra. Just saying.”

I Retweeted that, and added my own touch.

lol – while we’re confessing, Tony Robbins die die die
RT
@BernardKeane Apropos of nothing, I hate Deepak Chopra. Just saying.

Boom, five followers shed. I experimented with posting links to robot porn – among other things – and this one below, but nobody unfollowed me.

(warning – adult again) and the award for the most gratuitous camel toe pics goes to the camel toe eraser!

Camel toe’s okay, but you cannot diss Tony Robbins. There is no rhyme or reason to Twitter. Oh – camel toe? It’s when your pubic area shows bisected through your clothes. Like when jeans ride up at the front. The above link is to a place that’s giving them away for a competition. This anti-camel toe device, the Cuchini, (company motto Our Lips Are Sealed),  is a piece of i think latex that fits over your pubic area.

In extreme cases, camel toe can look like the person is being cut in half and possibly carrying watermelons in their pants. The last pic on the page is like that, plus they have a page of celebrity camel toe on the brand site – oh, and the Camel Toe Eraser is basically a shield to stop your bits being cut in half.

Some people like the flanged look – there are porn sites for camel toe aficionados – others (a majority, and yes, me too), think it’s a clothing faux pas. Like budgie-smugglers on a bloke, camel toe means having to view a stranger’s genitalia. In uncalled-for detail. Like this. (That means avert your eyes now. Well, soon.)

Budgie-smugglers are very clingy, very brief, men’s swimwear.

budgie smugglers at YourDemocracy.com

budgie smugglers at YourDemocracy.net.au - they mean real budgies, but the pic suits my purpose. Click for a story on Customs thwarting bird smugglers.

Makes it look like there’s a small bird (budgerigar) they’re smuggling. Well, occasionally a big bird, but not if they’ve been in cold water.

Before i go, something wonderful – I’ve found Hello Kitty Hell. It’s the story of a man whose wife is a Hello Kitty fan. It’s brilliant.

Hello Kitty tattoo

Hello Kitty tattoo

Now you’ve found it too. Neat, huh?

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com


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