Coronavirus Limbo

So, i just set my four books to free. Cos you can give away books on Smashwords, just don’t expect to sell many. Why free? Why not?


Maybe someone bored out of their mind on coronavirus lockdown will have some happy days and nights reading my witty and oh so sexy prose, (about the adventures of a young man named Polo Shawcross, his family’s attempts to kill him, and his personal inability to keep his trousers on, and what you might get when you splice genes).

Australia is doing okay compared to a lot of places, and everyone’s currently saying “Well, we could be worse off, we could be in the USA.” Sorry if you’re in the USA, i guess that’s not very reassuring, and as deaths there go past 3,000 i can only say i’m glad Trump stopped putting the economy first, even if it was out of fear his base will all die because he told them originally the coronavirus scare was a Democrat hoax.

My ex in London lives next to a supermarket (almost) and can’t seem to get anything there.

I went to the shops today, there were stocks of toilet paper, fresh milk or UHT, bread, fruit and veg, even some flours, sugar and pasta, tinned things, (still no hand sanitiser or isopropyl alcohol but apparently the world stocks of that somehow ended up wherever all the loo paper went at first).

I squealed aloud when i saw the toilet rolls. As i said to the woman laughing at me, i never thought i’d squeal over loo rolls.

There are lines taped everywhere on floors, signs too, saying you have to stand HERE or THERE and people understandably not noticing (cos we’re all immured to massive shouting signs at the supermarket), just diving in where they see a free till, then being Social Distance Shamed by me and the checkout operator (behind a massive perspex shield), who tried to wave the woman back but i freaked. “Please! Don’t stand so close to me!”

I actually said that. I know, then i had to talk the poor lass down from her incipient hysteria… we’re all on edge. She’d just managed to get herself an 8-pack of toilet paper and the checkout person and I really messed with her happy high. Was okay, we all parted friends.

A lot of that going on, which is actually fkn beautiful. People start to shout, then say hang on, sorry, what did you mean? Or sorry, (like me at the checkout) i’m immuno-compromised and scared shitless. Because we all are.

It’s becoming clear that this (variant of?) Covid-19 is not just for old people, fat people, or people with existing lung conditions or other ill health. A healthy 21 year old girl died in the UK, babies have been infected, children have died, and (formerly) healthy men and women too. And so many doctors. In the USA, the death toll has passed 9-11.

Many healthy people (not just in USA) didn’t need to die. They could have been saved with enough space in Intensive Care Units but those were simply overwhelmed.

Continue reading

Ending the Beginning…

At last, i’m putting the quartet up on Smashwords. Can’t quite believe it. The covers are done, edits are done, i’m just doing blurbs and making sure they upload okay.

They came out pretty….

The Birthday Dragon‘s been out for years, that’s going to be free, once the new version is okayed. As the first quarter of Dragon Soldier used to be in the previous book, it’s free too.

Books 3 and 4 are not free. Like Books 1 and 2 they’re over 100,000 words. I’m thinking $2.99 each.

I’ve been putting final touches on my Smashwords pages, adding a interview. I came to do this blog and realised “i’ve forgotten everything i ever learned about HTML” which was a nice match for when i started doing the covers and realised i’d forgotten everything i ever knew about Photoshop.

So i uploaded the new version of Polo Shawcross: The Birthday Dragon and waited for it to be okayed. Found a mistake in the stuff beyond the ending. Re-uploaded. Found something else, re-re-uploaded. And thankful it was finally okay, so i started work on the blurbs for the other books.

Every time i checked back, the book wasn’t okayed yet. Smashwords never takes long, so i began to wonder if i’d jammed something up, re-re-uploading. It was never a problem before. And i waited.

While i waited, I started a Patreon page. This is a rather nice notion that artists find patrons who sling them a few dollars a month, every month, and the artist (that’s me) in exchange gives them access to unpublished stuff or first drafts, perhaps completely never-to-be-published stories.

Anything that helps my income is worth a go. (It’s not quite up yet, i’m still getting it sorted out.)

I checked Smashwords. Something occurred to me. It was Thanksgiving in the USA when i did the first upload. Bugger. By the end of the week it was Black Friday. I’d literally picked one of the worst weeks in the US year to upload the books.

Double bugger. And then i realised. Now i’ve begun my Patreon page, i’ll have to change the books again to include the Patreon link.

I do believe the word i’m looking for is “AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH”.

copyright 2017





Mostly human, probably NSFW

The blog’s Not Safe For Work. I, I will be partly pony. Yep, I’ve decided i’m not a real girl. Not a sex pony, you know, that’s not me. The ones you see on those bizarro reality TV documentaries acting out their childhood or teen angst by dragging leather/lycra-clad people around in carts.

“Of course,” they say to camera, while ‘owner’ cinches them into a corset, cos sure, that’s what ponies wear, “it’s a secret, my adult pony playing. That’s why i’m appearing on a sensationalist show that will be shown all around the world for the next 100 years.”

*Pony-play person neighs and tries to get lycra pony-suit out of her butt-crack with one of her plastic hooves. Eventually ‘owner’ takes pity on her and undoes the velcro holding the hoof on.*

Nope, that is so not me. I’m the bolshy kind of pony. The pony who crushes you against the fence, who stands on your foot, the one who bites you as you try to get into the saddle. Who, when you finally make it into the saddle, takes off at a gallop before suddenly dropping my head between my fetlocks and kicking up my back hooves. And smirks as you fly off into the nearest tree/mud/water/fence/brick wall.

And seriously – saddles are for the tamed. I won’t wear that kind of thing. I would like a new leather coat if someone’s offering, mine was eaten by mould when i lived in New South Wales.

Why am i a pony? Or Part-Pony? Being human’s not working for me. I’d be better off with hooves. Fully opposable ones, of course. My hair’s in my eyes, let’s call it a forelock and be done with it. I don’t have a tail, but we could put that down to a Terrible Accident. The alternative is one of these, and i am SO not going there.

Of course someone has made girly pony tails as sex toys. Everything else is also available, why not pony tails? And yes, that link is so NSFW you probably shouldn’t click it.
Some things you can’t unsee.

I’m not really a My Little Pony kind of pony. I will roll in mud, get brambles in my mane, and children will find me scary.

“Mummy! The pony’s looking at me funny!”
“Don’t be silly, darling, ponies don’t do that.”
“Mummy? The pony just said if i tell tales someone will cut my tongue out.”
“Jacinta!” Mummy tries not to shout. “We’ve had this discussion before, darling, we don’t pretend animals talk, do we?”

*Mummy decides it’s way past time for an afternoon white wine. Just out of her sightline, pony mimes cutting motion with one hoof across its throat.

Jacinta begins to hyperventilate.*

Why a pony? As i said, human’s getting harder. If i could survive on grass, lucerne, pony nuts, and the occasional apple i’d be much better off.

I’d be hyper-cute and Social Security wouldn’t be something to be afraid of any more.

My Little Ponies aren’t as nice as they pretend to be…

So, if i shift species i’ll be free of worry. All i have to do is keep Jacinta in line. How hard can that be?

Compared to dealing with government departments, coping with hate from idiots who think disabled people are all bludging fakes because MSM (Mainstream Media) and their own government tell them so?

I reckon ponyness poniness pony-ness will be a doddle in comparison.

Do you feel lucky, Jacinta?
Well do ya?

copyright 2017

I Tweet Therefore I Am

This started as a letter to my sister, then i realised i hadn’t blogged for ages (since the Trumpocalypse began in 2016!), and sis is time-poor, so it’s here instead. Sis has more net-savvy than this might imply, but it turned into a gonzo guide for anyone attempting Twitter.

My advice to her was to first, get a new email, one you can use for all your twitter stuff, memberships to various sites, and a place to be spammed where you won’t lose your phone bill among Twitter updates and news subscriptions. Sis said sure, she was setting up a Twitter handle, and asked if that was correct terminology.

My Reply…

Omg, not sure… *losing net credibility by the moment* i think handle’s ok.

Also you have 2 names on twitter – the @name which is your handle with an @ in front of it, which appears on the web as in my case

Then there’s your name. Queen NomNomDePlume is mine. (It’s a long story, but you’ll see many Aussies on Twitter still protesting exPrime Minister’s Tony Abbott’s restoration of knighthoods by calling themselves HRH, Majesty, or something similar.)

I was calling myself Sheila, which was a joke because I’m a woman, and sheila is slang for woman. NomNomDePlume replaced Smith. Nom = eating or food (i’m nomming the noms).

Sheila Smith was a nom-de-plume (alias), but many people thought it was my real name, so I changed it. I don’t mind being called Queenie (or even NomNom), when I was in the band they called me Queen of Darkness, Queenie for short (due to my inability to suffer fools, not from any gothic tendencies), so it’s like old times.

Lots of ppl change names often, others use their real names and don’t. I prefer not to use my real name, though i do always remember that if a law enforcement agency wanted to, it would be very easy to trace me, so try to avoid silliness like death threats, no matter how annoyed i am with the government/trolls.

Word of warning – all the abbreviations can get mystifying. Most are common on net, and you can always Google. Google’s got quite good at figuring out all kinds of questions (you can now just ask “what’s a libtard?” and Wikipedia’s become an authority.

Things I might tweet about or ReTweet (in approximate alphabetical order, World first, then Australia)… Continue reading

Few words

Well, Donald Trump is about to be president of the USA – yeah, we might as well all go home, eh? I am trying to find the bright side – the Trans Pacific Partnership will now not be ratified by the US, which pretty much harpoons the TPP and Australia’s politicians’ lily-livered signing away of our nation to rich non-taxpaying corps.

Thankfully we should be spared most of the negative effects of politicians giving international corporations the power to sue local governments if they dare interfere with profit (by having laws against pollution, say), and the TPP’s power to give longer patents to drug companies so drugs would stay high priced longer.

However that’s about all i can think of when it comes to positive aspects to Trump winning the electoral college raffle and a bunch of gerrymandered electorates across America. It’s depressing that a racist, bigoted, anti-Semitic misogynist is now in charge, especially if you’re not an orange puffball who talks like he’s in the middle of an eighties coke inferno at a KKK rally.

So instead, go see First Dog on The Moon – he’s reliably funny and there is always the possibility of the Interpretative Dance Bandicoots, or the Wallaby Laser Death Festival. He even predicted, by accident (it was a joke!) Trump winning.

I feel better after some First Dog – i hope you do too.

copyright 2016

Sleeping with the fishes takes on a whole new meaning

I was reading back on this morning’s post. Someone’s got to read it, there’s not many people even know about it yet. Still, the work towards world domination continues, i’m up to 31 followers on Twitter.

I expect to be able to invade something (like Poland) once my loyal troops get here, but don’t hold your breath, hardly anyone’s RSVPed to my offer of a good square meal in exchange for invading the Budgewoi foreshore.

part of the McKenzie Reserve in Budgewoi
part of the McKenzie Reserve in Budgewoi

It’s a lovely spot. Still, perhaps it’s too soon – i should just annex the next house along and wait before i invade the picnic area.

While reading, i check for typos. Mistakes cost meaning. If people always misunderstand you, it’s probably because what you think and what you type are two different things.

Like the guy on a private site i saw this morning – “do you think it’s right,” he blogged, “that the government is giving money to people with work instead of giving it to the people who need it, the people with work?”

No, it doesn’t make sense – he missed out putting an out on the end of the 2nd with. We can figure out what he means (i’ve made it clear in my paraphrased example), but it’s not always that easy.

One of the most common left-out words in internet chat and writing is “not”. The number of times i’ve seen people get in trouble with that one.

Besides, if you don’t read your own blogs, you never get to know that you typoed child sexual abuse as cichlid sex abuse, and so nobody knew what the fuck you were talking about, except some dude with a background in freshwater fish.

The fish bloke  gave you a long and incomprehensible email lecture on how though he had some sympathy with your views, you were never going to convince the mainstream fish hobbyist that baby cichlids could be affected by viewing Toaster Insertions XX.

why you must proofread
why you must proofread

Anyway, i was reading, thinking about how i don’t have many readers, and thought, hang on… and i Googled myself. Which was just magnificent. I had one of those “in your face Al Gore!” moments (he’s got a bigger following than i have on Twitter).  Yep *looks proud* I’m on Google.

My last website, which i started back in 1998, despite me trying my best, only made it to Google after about eight years, under the most bizarre search terms. One was shoe. (It’s not there any more – with no notice, Tripod deleted it, after ten years, then wouldn’t explain why they had done so, though they did switch the blank site back on. So screw you guys.)

ZOMG i said to Mr Bastard, after Googling myself, I’m searchable! How good is WordPress? They said they’d get me on Google, and there i am! He was happy for me. He’s seen bits of the content, but he’s not actually reading this, so i could say stuff about him and he’d never know. Hang on, i gave him the URL. Sshhh.

Anyway, i don’t usually write to people to say, excuse me, but when you said you were in favour of killing all people over the age of 23, did you mean you weren’t? Seeing you’re 24?  But damnation, I WANT TO.

Maybe i should start a company, that just reads people’s websites and spots the typos. I could be very sarcastic, and call it Stinginthemail. Charge people, obviously – anyone who’d like their site checked, please make me an offer.

I could give my mother a job, she can spot a typo at 100 paces, we both can. She needs a job, says she can’t live on the pension – i said, ffs, it’s not a lifestyle choice, mother, (not unless i actually make some money some day, and can help her out), but she misheard me, and now thinks that failing to live within your means is a lifestyle choice.

The English language is flexible, (we can live with a different version in every English speaking country) but some things will actually break it.

The Cichlid porn pics are originally from this site and the Burt Lancaster in gaol for cichlid abuse Brute Force pic is from this one.

(I try to be scrupulous about attribution and citing.
If you don’t think i’ve cited your work properly,
or you want a link to your site removed, please – just ask.)