Tag Archives: bernard keane

Camel Toe for the Beginner

What’s in the news? Drunken footballers gangbanging drunken teenage girls? The Federal Budget? *yawn* i’m so over the real world. How about Texts From Last Night? This is my new favourite site of the moment. How could one resist this conversation?

(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Or this bit of poignancy.

(404): I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

We’ve all been there. Then there’s possibly my favourite conversation:

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother…or stop drinking so much…I don’t want to see this

You can see why i love it. If you get bored with Texts from Last Night, on the right of their page you’ll find Flickr from Last Night. Nothing like porn and other people to put everything in perspective.

Other things making me laugh this week include the Cute Food Blog – which makes me laugh in a delighted way and go ohh! Beautiful food pictures – the gingerbread house is to die for.

Then there was the Slave Control Software site, for those who would like to be sexually controlled, but are afraid of humans or perhaps humans won’t meet them in real life.

Some people have lost the  notion that sexual roleplay is actually just roleplay. That made me laugh then stop laughing as i realised it was for real. Well, as real as automated cybersex can be.

One can go all the way in the non-human stakes. No, i don’t mean one of those blow up sex sheep (real) or a RealHamster (funny funny funny) – i’m talking Real Dolls. These are carefully crafted sexually-accurate mannequins that are supposed to look realistic. For mannequins, i suppose they do. They come in female or male with just a torso if you don’t want all that weight.

Roxanne the Real Doll - wiki image

Roxanne the Real Doll - wiki image

The funniest part about Real Dolls is how much people pay for them. They cost over $6,000 US (approx 7,600 Aussie), and up. There was a documentary years ago about the female Real Dolls and the men who buy them, dress them, and take them on picnics.

Oh yeah, and have sex with them – you can buy spare vaginas or other bits, the ones that wear first, and when you wear them a bit thin in a few places, you can send them back for refurbishment.

If you belong to a dating site, you can bet you’ll see pictures of Real Dolls on them, but they’ll be pretending to be real women. People are strange.  Sexually, people are very, very strange. Me probably heaps more than you, I’m not being judgemental.

Unless you’re the guy who (tried to find link to his site, but i can’t) had the fetish of building models of skyscrapers, about 3′ tall (one metre) and then sitting on them. Not inserting them, just crushing them under his butt like a Godzilla who needed to sit down. Ooh yeah, baby!

I’m also not stranger than you, if you’re the chick with the octopus up her i saw yesterday. It was an accident, i didn’t go looking for octopus porn. I mean, me seeing it was an accident.

It might have been an accident, I suppose, I don’t know how she got the octopus up there. Perhaps she “fell on it and it just shot up there” or something like that. It looked alive, which was a scary thought.

You get a whole new kind of follower on Twitter when you say words with porn in them, like “porn” or even “sex”. You can try not to say certain words, or put a break in them – like por n or p*rn – but marketing, media, sex, porn, tentacles, PR, and SM are all words/initials i use. Though i mean Sadism and Masochism, they mean Social Media.

I lost five followers right after the below, i’m not sure if it’s coincidence.

@BernardKeane said “Apropos of nothing, I hate Deepak Chopra. Just saying.”

I Retweeted that, and added my own touch.

lol – while we’re confessing, Tony Robbins die die die
@BernardKeane Apropos of nothing, I hate Deepak Chopra. Just saying.

Boom, five followers shed. I experimented with posting links to robot porn – among other things – and this one below, but nobody unfollowed me.

(warning – adult again) and the award for the most gratuitous camel toe pics goes to the camel toe eraser!

Camel toe’s okay, but you cannot diss Tony Robbins. There is no rhyme or reason to Twitter. Oh – camel toe? It’s when your pubic area shows bisected through your clothes. Like when jeans ride up at the front. The above link is to a place that’s giving them away for a competition. This anti-camel toe device, the Cuchini, (company motto Our Lips Are Sealed),  is a piece of i think latex that fits over your pubic area.

In extreme cases, camel toe can look like the person is being cut in half and possibly carrying watermelons in their pants. The last pic on the page is like that, plus they have a page of celebrity camel toe on the brand site – oh, and the Camel Toe Eraser is basically a shield to stop your bits being cut in half.

Some people like the flanged look – there are porn sites for camel toe aficionados – others (a majority, and yes, me too), think it’s a clothing faux pas. Like budgie-smugglers on a bloke, camel toe means having to view a stranger’s genitalia. In uncalled-for detail. Like this. (That means avert your eyes now. Well, soon.)

Budgie-smugglers are very clingy, very brief, men’s swimwear.

budgie smugglers at YourDemocracy.com

budgie smugglers at YourDemocracy.net.au - they mean real budgies, but the pic suits my purpose. Click for a story on Customs thwarting bird smugglers.

Makes it look like there’s a small bird (budgerigar) they’re smuggling. Well, occasionally a big bird, but not if they’ve been in cold water.

Before i go, something wonderful – I’ve found Hello Kitty Hell. It’s the story of a man whose wife is a Hello Kitty fan. It’s brilliant.

Hello Kitty tattoo

Hello Kitty tattoo

Now you’ve found it too. Neat, huh?

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