Tag Archives: Australian Net Filter

I Am The Traffic Cone on Your Highway…

I detect a sense of Christmas obsession in those who accidentally visited this blog in the last week. Now (i think) i know why My House Is Trying To Kill Me (the old post on mould/mold) is getting so much traffic – it’s people looking for gingerbread.

I hope you enjoyed the rant on the stupidity of doctors, the cruelty of real estate agents, the possibly pertinent advice on health, and the pretty gingerbread house pic. At least i cited the pic’s origin, so they wouldn’t waste their time, and meanwhile, decuisine (where pic comes from) is getting a lot of hits from me. ‘Tis the season for giving, right?

I’m the Antichrist, this jolly Christmas bollocks doesn’t come naturally.


Thought for the Day: Did you take time to muse on the exquisite cruelty of Google, that brings you interesting things to read when you really don’t have time to get distracted by a blog?


The gingerbread thing is out of control out there…



What does NFSFFW mean? Well, Not Safe For Work is NSFW, then we have Not Fucking Safe for Fucking Work.

I’m trying to warn you, that in this post in particular, if you’re offended by bad language, you had better run away. This post is offensive. Nice, huh? I’ve probably guaranteed everyone will read right to the end. It’s mostly pictures, it’s not like it will strain you.


There are a lot of people searching for ponies and ending up on this blog. You probably want to close this window now, before you’re inducted into the Queen of Darkness’s armies.


What am i enraged about today? Hmm… let’s see. Aside from the usual, like the government’s plans to censor the internet for all Australians, i’m not feeling super enraged. I thought instead i’d show you some pretty pictures. Ready?

Here we go!

just the thing for the church picnic

just the thing for the church picnic, & thought-provoking

Hmm… i don’t know if I want that one, people might think i’m a believer. There’s always shock value ….

i'm not sure i'm this much of an attention whore

i'm not sure i'm this much of an attention whore

In the end, i designed my own.

Finbert rides again

Finbert rides again

Root means ‘sex’ in Australian, by the way – ‘wanna root?’ = ‘wanna fuck’. Yep, i think i’ll go with the one above – that poor fish, he’s had a workout.

Finbert also appeared in this post, where he was sexually abused by Burt Lancaster. It wasn’t Burt’s fault, it was a typo – you see, that fish is a cichlid. Read the post, seriously, it makes sense there. Well, as much sense as i ever make.

I was reading back over some posts while chasing down links for this and noticed that my most popular posts remain the ones you think are sexual (aside from whichever is the newest one).

You still can’t get enough Camel Toe for the Beginner – which does have camel toe, but also has bizarre fetishes, just so nobody gets lonely.

Another hawt sexy post Toaster Sex Will Rot Your Brain is actually a very nice rant on the unfairness of being banned because i have breasts. I still love the pics i did for that one. There’s something about toaster sex.

Yeah, i know most visitors are not really admiring the size of my brain or my cute pictures. Or even my Minions’ Badges. You’re looking for porn. (Or ponies, various birds, Antichrist humor, penectomies, and sex dolls. Seriously. And people say I’m weird.)

I do have a disclaimer somewhere that points out that when i mention sex, i do put in enough jokes to make it highly interruptive if you’re trying to masturbate. And i really wasn’t serious about inserting furniture.

If you like the two tshirts at the top, and want one, click the pic to go the shops that sell them.

I think the third one rocks. I want one of those! Where’s my Number One Minion? Make it so, Number One!


In other news – there are at least 17 people visiting my blog every day! SEVENTEEN! Wow.

Seventeen people is enough for a death squad, this is so cool!

Bless you, dear little minions Beloved Visitors.

© https://stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Get your cult membership here

Hahaha – someone found my blog while looking for “porn female crucifixion stories” – the blog on “something evil for the weekend, sir?” is on the 3rd page of results. I need to intro some other weird subjects.  In the music biz it’s good to be a cult – i’m sure it’s good generally, providing you don’t hand out poison koolaid, but instead offer them cheese and bikkies. With any luck you get crossover appeal. Especially if you supply chocolate cake.

It could get quite messy, what with the cake, the crackers and cheese, the  crucifixion fantasists, the (mostly) wannabe eunuchs, the religious people, and the Servants of Onan (masturbators). The eunuchs are here thanks to me threatening a penectomy on the guy down the street.

It’s a particularly cruel punishment, the penectomy, if you leave the testicles. He’s got the urges, you see, but not the wherewithal. Why would i do it? He cut down some trees in the park, to make his view of 200° of lake and trees look more fashionable and more bare water. *spits* Ecological vandals should suffer.

I was told in the comments on the last post that i was “deliciously schizophrenic”. Which was just lovely. Though we wonder how he knew, as the Queen of Darkness barely spoke at all. We’re not crazy, we’re serious about invading Queensland. Maybe he thinks a Hello Kitty Kalashnikov doesn’t fire real bullets? Pfft. Her Majesty will take advantage of Australian apathy. Assuming she can overcome her own Aussie apathy.

Providing the beer keeps flowing, the sport continues to hit the TV screens, and the barbies continue to burn, my nation will be happy. I don’t really drink beer, or watch sport, nor does Mr Whatsit. We both like a barbeque though. We aren’t un-Australian.

We’re just a minority. White people who read books, don’t like sport, and aren’t booze-sodden. We exist, just not in large numbers. Back in Queensland, i’ll have to get used to the incredible amounts of alcohol that infest even morning get-togethers in the Sunshine State.

They’re heavy drinkers here in New South Wales, too – pretty much everywhere in Australia – but in the Far North, according to Mr Whatsit, who lived there for 30 yrs or so, they drink even more.

Hold on, i completely lost my thread. *reads* Nup, i’m none the wiser. Her Majesty says we’re semi-incoherent at the best of times, and the voices-outside-my-head say that’s part of our charm.

I have basic grasp of rugby – both kinds – cricket, most types of ball games, and even Formula One. It’s required to be able to keep sanity when for months at a time, while the TV is on sport. You learn to enjoy it, or you go mad. I did learn that dissecting a rugby league game from a disinterested viewpoint is quite fascinating.

Gosh, all that repressed homosexuality. The shorts! The throbbing muscles on their foreheads. The insane bravery of the referees stepping into the mêlée. The refs should be issued with cattle prods. Tasers. Possibly silver bullets.

Anyway – I’m not schizophrenic, i’m just a little confused. Mercury is Retrograde, so communication is fraught with problems. As are computer communications. I was going to do a new badge for my Twitter Followers, because a neat site was up again, after the owner had been ill, but sadly i can’t get it to work.

I was in the mood for a badge. Maybe some black polished boots. A tank, a border in front of me, and my Mother Teresa Rocket Launcher on my knees.

How can that be misconstrued? It’s Zen & the Art of World Domination®. Yeah, i’m getting with the program, grasping the zeitgeist, embracing lots of other cliches too, and i have a catchphrase. The PR people wanted “Come over to the Dark Side, we have cake”, but the Legal people said that implied i would actually give away cake, and right now, i get any cake, it’s all mine.

I think this blog post is over. The voices-inside-my-head say go on, but of course, we don’t listen to them.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Sit on Kev’s face, and tell him you love him

I’m supposed to have a theme, make a commitment, and dust. *sighs* This blog is so wrong. Other people have themes. They restrict their ravings to specified subjects. They commit to blogging at set intervals, or set numbers of blogs per week. Feck, as if.

You’ll take what you’re given and be grateful for it, or face the Gleaming Instruments of Death. As they’re newly sharpened by Mr Whatsit, who’s a master metalworker, you’d better just suck it up.

Yep, the monthly hormonal overload is beginning. I know it doesn’t seem long since the last one, it’s not. Pfft, you think it’s tough reading it, I’m inside it, and Mr Whatsit has to live with it. It’s like being unconsensually drugged. I just get this weird impulsive behaviour thing happening. Like someone put LSD in my KoolAid. Still, there’s worse things they put in KoolAid.

In other news, the government’s announced they’re building a new optical fibre broadband network – they’re aiming at ‘up to 100 mbps’ which isn’t even fast. And saying it will take eight years. As was said on Twitter…

Warlach Honestly, 8 years? 100 mbs in 8 years? The rest of the world will be jacking directly into the net Matrix style by then #nbn

National Broadband Network = #nbn if you want to look up the Twitter stream on it. Makes me grumpy, i just want to vomit. Kev wants to reduce this country to a religious nutter’s paradise. *is sick on the prime minister’s shoes*

I was going to do you a badge, and the badge generator was down – omg, i had to do it by hand. Then i was too cranky to be funny. Serious – the best i came up with was this.

“when i said i had a net filter, 9/10 people though i was Chinese “

*sighs* And of course, the issue du jour is the national broadband network, so i’m not topical either. What can you say?

“Australia’s NBN – by the time we get it, everyone else will be telepathic”

“Why make the big phone company with the money pay for it, when there are stupid taxpayers around?”

“Rudd took away my nipples, but he gave me…. “

Toaster insertions are going to be verboten, there’s nothing i can do. This middleclass white girl is going to end up a criminal, purely so i can get past the filter and read my own freaking blog.

Pretty soon i’m going to be thinking, well, wtf, if i have to break the law to blog, i might as well break the law in other ways. Yes, i’m going to smuggle cheap Chinese nipples, flood the local market, and drive Aussie black market nipple producers out of business.

If i do it right, like organised crime does, i could even get about 20 years without being hassled too much by the cops, providing of course, i don’t expose people on the street to my imported nipples, and the resultant nipple wars. Must not let my nipples bash anyone to death in Sydney airport, they’d probably get miffed with me. The cops, i mean, not the nipples.

I wonder how much bribe money they will want to look the other way? (Again, i mean cops not nipples.) I better work out a rate per funbag. Oh, and then there’s the vag tax. Hadn’t you heard? Providing you keep yours in your pants, you pay the twat tax of 25% of annual income per vag (means-tested). Pants down, like to pee or something, spot fines of $100,000 and a max of 10 years gaol.

So from now on, all Australian women will pee through their undies or wear incontinence pads. Honest. Would i lie to you? Men are exempt, no todger tax, as nobody wants to look at men’s bits.

Well, remember, these people are born again Christians, they’re a bit like Queen Victoria, when told homosexuality and lesbianism were being made illegal. She said women didn’t do that kind of thing, so it was never made illegal in the UK. Rudd doesn’t know about gays, (and the words ‘anal sex” mean nothing to him), so penises and anuses will be legal in Australia, behind closed doors, of course.

Sex is completely illegal, except for procreation, so a woman over about 42 isn’t allowed to do it. You need to show proof of viable eggs and you will be filmed to make sure you aren’t enjoying yourself. You have to be 25 to start, so younger women will be offered a new government chastity belt, which from the model looks suspiciously like someone tied her legs together with string.

Drinking, smoking, and gambling are still legal (over 18) – can’t interfere with massive government revenue streams from taxing those worthy endeavours. There’s also been some talk about lowering the voting age to 16, as teenagers are even easier to lash into an emotional frenzy of stupidity than born again Christians and left wing voters are.

Welcome to Australia! *pause while the slow internet trundles along* Sunlit land of censorship… put your freaking underwear back on, lady!

lol – so i went back to Twitter, thinking i’d promote this post, and it was down. This day is perfect. Still, least i’m still laughing.

*finds Zen after drawing the Prime Minister’s face
being sat on by woman with large arse and emailing it to him*

There, he should get it by the weekend.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

i visited the nazi party and lived

Well, actually, it was just a guy who said he was really right wing – he was quite funny, and put me onto this quiz on ‘how progressive are you?’

Now my nazi friend got 32 – so he was very unprog, but me, i scored.

omg, i'm a communist

omg, i'm a communist

Then i decided to click, and ‘see how other groups scored’

note, i scored 303

note, i scored 303

So, (if you can see that no US citizen gets over 247.1 on this test) what does this mean? Yes, I’m not American. I’m pretty normal here in Oz* – and according to the left wing of my family, i’m a right wing fascist. I tried to say, it’s anarchist monarchist**, but does anyone listen?

I made the mistake of saying to Mum that i didn’t think i’d vote Labor any more. They’re left wing, historically more so than the Democrats but they’re not very leftist any more – more centrist and moving towards totalitarianism.

Mum is not leftist – she would vote One Nation (anti-immigration, send the bastards back and kill the reffos***),  if they ran a candidate in her posh suburb. She told one sister, just to gloat. Of course, next thing there’s a sussuration of horror going round the country. Nobody bothered to ask me who i was voting for.

I was actually thinking of throwing my vote away, doing a protest vote, say voting Green. Then this so-called Labor government decided to make deals with the Family First party (out there with One Nation on the lunatic rightwing fringe), and bring in a filter to censor MY internet.

You’ve heard of it, right? *shakes head and groans* We already have the slowest net, now we’ll have the most censored of any democracy. We’re going to be like China (or Saudi Arabia, Iran, Burma/Myanmar – pick your dictatorship – and let’s not pretend China is communist, LOL.)

The Labor government want to bring in a net filter that your ISP will have to install, and blank out all adult content. Yes, that’s right, anything 18+ will be gone. You can opt in (and out yourself as a pervert) to get ordinary soft porn (omg, i can see her nipples) – but anything kinky (look at meh, i have a leather corset!) is going to be unavailable from an Australian ISP. No opting into that, it’s all going to be marked BAD and you’re not allowed to see. Despite it being legal.

They’re also going to ban some sites just because – already the list has been leaked, and most of the content is legal everywhere in Australia (except WA and areas of the NT where porn is banned). There are already mistakes – I’ve blogged about this in detail.

So, get your arse (it’s an Aussie butt, it’s an ARSE) to this site and at least sign the petition, or you’re about to lose the right to choose what you look at. Subscribe to this excellent blog for all the news up to the minute.

Progressive, moi? I’m going to flog any of you who don’t sign the petition – and not in a nice this-is-your-safeword-and-are-you-comfy kind of way – but i suppose i could have you shot, so it’s progressive. However, with me being a benevolent monarch – and uber-progressive – you get a prize.

a little token of my appreciation

a little token of my appreciation

Do something now, while the wowsers**** don’t have complete control of the country. The net is just the beginning, they’ve said, the rest of the country is next – we’ll be back to the sixties, with banned books and people being arrested for having breasts.

Vote me for Queen of Darkness.
I promise, i’ll never criminalise you for your body parts.

*Oz = Oztralia AKA Australia

**anarchist monarchist* you lot can do what you want,
but I get to be queen

*** reffos – refugees

**** wowsers the terminally prim who wouldn’t know fun if it bit them on their tight arses – and who want to inflict their narrow view of the world on us all.

N.B. in case it was a fluke, i went back, and scored 327, lol

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

bad to the bone…

I’ve been going through my loyal Followers on Twitter again, (no rest for the wicked). Thank Heaven for Karma, which in this case is a neat program that sifts through for you. Woe betide those who aren’t stalking Following me, like i’m stalking Following them.

I ran it a few days ago, and deleted someone who had begun then stopped Following me. Next thing, i get a hey, what’s up, and he’s Following me again. Hmm. I re-Followed him. Today i ran Karma again. Guess who had removed himself again? Yep, lol. It annoyed me.

my Twitter Followers' badge design

my Twitter Followers' badge design

See, the thing about Twitter, is that there’s a snobbery about how many Followers you have – especially when it’s lots more than the people you’re Following. You seem less needy, more cool *puts on Raybans to set the mood*  – like Eddie Izzard the last time i looked, with tens of thousands of Followers, and he was only Following one. That’s like being a glacier, that’s so cool.

Aside from the gameplayer who dumped me, I’ve dropped a couple of people out of my list, purely in self-defence, (they filled up my Twitterverse with too many hearty quotes or pleas for me to look at their stupid site). However, since i learned to read profiles before automatically following someone back,  i rarely add anyone who’s just an MLM person – i don’t mind if they are an MLM person, but don’t bash me over the head with it. We Agents of Satan need marketing people too.

I am up to 64 Followers *hands out sweets* and 115 who I’m Following (sorry, no sweets, not until you follow me, NY Times and CNN). Yes, my Following list keeps going up – I’ve got some fabulous folk I’m following – i love their minds – so i looked in their lists of who they Follow, for new people.

The other thing about Twitter? It’s more popular with working adults, rather than Generation Y – i know this because someone Tweeted it. Anyway, most Tweeple are over 35. There’s about 1.3 million 25-34 – then there’s about 4.5 million older than that. Including nearly half a million over 65. Me getting that mob of teenage boys was a fluke.

When i finally get to my turn to be an overnight world dictator success, i worry that all the good Followers will be refusing to take on anyone. I’ll end up being followed by people i don’t like, like the Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, who i saw on someone’s list today.

I contemplated following him, purely to make snide comments. Something  like “I know you bleach your hair. You’re really Chinese, go back where you came from, you censoring bureaucrat!” (He speaks the language and is installing a net filter just like the one they have, that stops democracy and YouTube.)

The invasion’s slightly delayed, the mechanic says he’s waiting on parts for the tank, and the vegetarians demanding plastic boots before they join my minions has put the annexation of the local coast back weeks.

This is my invasion ID – cool, huh?

it screams uber-bitch

it screams uber-bitch

Then…. well, logically, we should annex Sydney, but i really don’t like Sydney.  Can we go to Queensland instead?  *blushes at being found to not be that autocratic all the time* Ahem, I mean, we will invade Queensland next.

Oh – favourite find on Twitter – possibly anywhere, is Erica’s Fish, Merton.

Badge and seal are mine, made at  www.says-it.com
all kinds of fun generators.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

toaster sex will rot your brain..

It gets funnier – people have had a chance to go through the list of  sites to be completely banned in Australia. One of them, Abbywinters, was winner of the Best Adult Site in Australia, the last three years running. On the front page, they say.

Parents, we recommend http://www.child-internet-safety.com
to ensure your children cannot access our site.

They’re not the only site that thought they were legal to be banned. Surprise, apparently nudity, breasts, genitalia of any kind, dentistry, and of course, toaster insertions, (a common kind of extreme porn, see previous post) are now completely illegal in Australia.

the dangers of pornography

the dangers of pornography

They’ve even banned a site where women show their G-strings (thongs in US) above their jeans. I object to being criminalised just because i have illegal body parts – i didn’t know they were illegal when i incarnated on this backward planet.

A couple of fetish sites are on the list. We all know, one spank, and bam, you’re robbing liquor stores and raping passing antelope. Some gambling sites are banned, but not all – which is just as well, they’re not actually illegal. However, some take babies in exchange for chips – who knew? Animal boarding kennels are also verboten. Yep, i knew someone who put their kids in kennels accidentally,and took the dog on holidays.

They’ve banned a lot of ordinary porn too. (Men and women doing it to each other, no under-age toasters involved.) There’s a few others (about half) also with no apparent connection to kiddies.

Oh yeah, then there’s the geriatric sex site – lol. Omg, the wrinklies are doing it! That’s so hot, i think i’ll just… um… wow, look at how their baggy bits are all moving, like some kind of giant sea anemone. This is supposed to make me want to attack children?

A woman from a child advocacy group said that every fifteen-year-old boy in the country would be chasing this list of banned sites. gigglesnort!

Erm – leaving aside the very sexist assumption that girls are never curious enough to look at porn – young people don’t need a list to find porn. Or weird sites.

They can do it whenever their parents fail to supervise them on the net. Or at school, when teachers leave the kids alone on the computers which already have filters on them. Installing a Filter and destroying freedom of speech and expression in this country, won’t change this fact.

So i suppose i’m going to have to stop masturbating again. I don’t want to be busted, i’m a cleanskin. It’s alright, i think i can take this celibacy gig. I still had a sore wrist from all the wanking last week, after the toaster porn went hardcore. Who knew a woman could do double entry toasters?

Latest from the fundamentalist Christians, a poster campaign warning of the dangers of masturbation. They decided to try to hitch a ride on the popularity of the Lolcats.

toaster porn claims another victim

toaster porn claims another victim

For those who don’t speak Lolspeak -kittehz means cats – represented here by cutest kitten on planet.

Oh, no,” sez kitteh, “more cats will die.
The cats
beg you, don’t touch the toaster.”

How do i know lolspeak?
it’s not hard to learn – they have a how to

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

We can’t play naked Twister – we’ll get banned

Coming soon – an Internet Filter over the whole of Australia, (each ISP will be forced to filter your net access) to stop ALL nudity, violence, and anything faintly adult on the Australian net. You will be able to opt in to some adult content, but a lot will be banned completely, under laws against porn, violence, lawbreaking, or instructing/inciting someone to do these things – doesn’t matter if it’s real, it can be cartoons. So yeah, anime, hentai, and any RPG that misses a G rating will be banned. (See end of this blog post for breaking news on which sites are being banned already.)

Of course, by opting in to mild nudity, you will be outed as a pervert. Even if all you wanted to do was look at this blog. (Yeah, I think I’m probably adult – those trannies are going to up my score. Plus i’m going to cover sex with household appliances soon.) The government will be watching you. They’re probably watching me, i’ve written to my MP rather sarcastically.

Didn’t you know that – about being a paedophile from looking at adults having sex, or just being nude? No, neither did I, and with the amount of porn I’ve seen in the last ten years, you’d think I would have had some urges before now.

Let me perform a quick lobotomy before I snap and go down to the primary school. Wait, *stops sharpening the axe* something’s wrong with their theory. I still don’t even LIKE children. That doesn’t mean I want to abuse them, either – it means that I don’t want to be anywhere near them. A decade of hardcore porn, years of Family Guy, and I’m not a paedophile. I’m not abusive, depraved, or violent. Oops.

So much for religious theory on the causes of paedophilia and problems in society – and so much for the powers of nudity, whips and chains, Peter Griffin, and large object insertions. The latter, I only look at for a laugh. Seriously, they are so funny – a bunch of women with really elastic vag’s having a giggle as they compete to see who can fit a toaster up there.

Not plugged in, obviously, they’re not suicidal. And there’s a woman holding onto the toaster by the cord, to make sure it doesn’t get lost. You might see some bloke doing the same with a Hummer with a rope tied to it – men always do it bigger. Up to the hubcaps! None of this nancying about with toasters!

However, mustn’t harm the kidlets. Well, aside from the obvious, when we let people breed without any kind of check. Now call me crazy, but when it comes to drug addicts, I think their kids being alone on the comp are probably the least of those kids’ problems. At least, before the Filter, the kid will be able to look up Drug Crisis or Help Overdose without being arrested by the Feds. What do you mean, you’re not a drug addict, but you let your child be online unsupervised, (shut it in its bedroom, like so many I know) – are you fucking insane?

Don’t you know how easy it is to accidentally happen on really explicit pictures and content? *sicks up a bit at the memories* There’s stuff on there that’s damaging to adults, ffs. Especially when you’re surfing sans underpants, with Google’s Safesearch switched off. Which I told you all how to do in a previous post.

I’m 48, open about sex (yeah, you noticed, lol), with a quarter of a century of using computers behind me. I would never let a child use the net alone. Yet over and over again, parents ignore me, until i say let me show you what you can see. Now, ignoring your child’s moral danger, and letting it become sexualised, is child abuse. Sexualising means you’re grooming that child to be sexually interested and active, even when it is pre-pubescent.

As for the World Wide Web, your sexualised child is more likely to fall for a paedophile’s blandishments. (And you’re not watching, so how the fuck would you know?) No, I’m not joking at all. Sexualising is as bad as actually sexually or physically abusing your children.

The Filter is easy to get past – though you can’t speed your net back up, and you will of course be suddenly criminalised – but the Filter won’t help stop sexual content unless you do what you should be doing now – you keep an eye on your kids. If you’re doing that, i don’t need legal adult content banned on MY fucking net.

As for the fundamentalist Christians, so afraid of their own dark side, who think an adult just seeing anything Walt Disney would have banned will result in immediate and utter dissolution of their entire moral code, seriously, you’re pathetic. “Omg, honey, I just saw an ad for a vibrator, now I’ve given up God. I set fire to the old peoples’ home. I sold the children for medical experiments. And I’m leaving you for an anaconda. I’m not sorry at all!” *sound of a man sobbing as a woman’s stiletto heels click away*

How sad that their moral code is so shallow, ephemeral, and obviously meaningless to them. If it really meant something, they wouldn’t be so afraid some tits or a cartoon gun might make them go astray. Or that me looking at those things might affect them in some way.

sick sick sick

sick sick sick

BE HEARD You can find out more, sign petitions, and send emails to the people who matter from these sites. It’s all set up, easy to do. http://somebodythinkofthechildren.com



BREAKING NEWS>>> Just leaked – the government’s new banned sites listthe blacklist.

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