I Tweet Therefore I Am

This started as a letter to my sister, then i realised i hadn’t blogged for ages (since the Trumpocalypse began in 2016!), and sis is time-poor, so it’s here instead. Sis has more net-savvy than this might imply, but it turned into a gonzo guide for anyone attempting Twitter.

My advice to her was to first, get a new email, one you can use for all your twitter stuff, memberships to various sites, and a place to be spammed where you won’t lose your phone bill among Twitter updates and news subscriptions. Sis said sure, she was setting up a Twitter handle, and asked if that was correct terminology.

My Reply…

Omg, not sure… *losing net credibility by the moment* i think handle’s ok.

Also you have 2 names on twitter – the @name which is your handle with an @ in front of it, which appears on the web as in my case www.twitter.com/stinginthetail.

Then there’s your name. Queen NomNomDePlume is mine. (It’s a long story, but you’ll see many Aussies on Twitter still protesting exPrime Minister’s Tony Abbott’s restoration of knighthoods by calling themselves HRH, Majesty, or something similar.)

I was calling myself Sheila, which was a joke because I’m a woman, and sheila is slang for woman. NomNomDePlume replaced Smith. Nom = eating or food (i’m nomming the noms).

Sheila Smith was a nom-de-plume (alias), but many people thought it was my real name, so I changed it. I don’t mind being called Queenie (or even NomNom), when I was in the band they called me Queen of Darkness, Queenie for short (due to my inability to suffer fools, not from any gothic tendencies), so it’s like old times.

Lots of ppl change names often, others use their real names and don’t. I prefer not to use my real name, though i do always remember that if a law enforcement agency wanted to, it would be very easy to trace me, so try to avoid silliness like death threats, no matter how annoyed i am with the government/trolls.

Word of warning – all the abbreviations can get mystifying. Most are common on net, and you can always Google. Google’s got quite good at figuring out all kinds of questions (you can now just ask “what’s a libtard?” and Wikipedia’s become an authority.

Things I might tweet about or ReTweet (in approximate alphabetical order, World first, then Australia)…

  • # or hashtag in front of something (like #noDAPL) means it’s a ‘hashtag’, a topic for discussion or it’s a way of emphasising a point eg. #notcrazy. You can search for hashtags on Twitter or for people, or words.
  • And of course SHOUTING is CAPS. Use sparingly.
  • Bernie = Bernie Saunders, the guy who lots of US leftists think should be king. He seems nice but anyone who says so will get a serve from other leftists who think HRC (see below) should have had their support.
  • DAPL or noDAPL or Standing Rock – an oil pipeline from Canada going through USA, under a nice lake which it will pollute, the environmental study was cancelled and the pipeline given the go-ahead. Many Native Americans protesting, along with ex-service ppl & others, all being attacked by police. Trump is v in favour.
  • death of bees, ecocide, save the bees – all because of massive pesticide and GM crop use in US that they’ve promoted worldwide. (not kidding, US State Department is pushing GM in other countries, something they should be ashamed of.)
  • Fascist – surprising number of US ppl try to say Hitler not a fascist, that Nazis were actually commie socialist bastards. They weren’t. Putin also isn’t a communist. He’s a fascistic dictator. Like Hitler. Like many political parties, Nazis (national socialists) were nothing like their name.
    (See also Australian Liberals.)
  • ffs – for fuck’s sake
  • fk! is easier than FUCK! – and easier for the Americans, bless their puritanical little GM-soaked socks, to RT. They are easily shocked by words Australian and British people use before breakfast. Like “toilet”.
  • ftw – For the win. A cry of joy in most cases, but good for jokes/sarcasm “vested corporate interests FTW!” Note, there is no sarcasm font. This is considered a Bad Thing.
  • GM or GMO or Monsanto or Bayer – all to do with genetically modified organisms or pesticides/herbicides (like Roundup). Monsanto best known for making say tomatoes with genes from a fish (i googled to check, cos often things we think are true don’t stand up to fact-check, and found the spidergoat again, it’s actually real, and at least a useful creature that seems none the worse for its genes. Have to wonder who thought injecting rice with human genes was a cool notion, but it’s to produce pharmaceuticals so one can see (just) the justification for it. Tomatoes injected with something from a living creature to stop them freezing, not so much.)
    I like idea of GM – i don’t like reality of it never being tested on humans but allowed in our food, and in the USA, allowed completely unlabelled.
  • GOP = Grand Old Party – US Republicans.
  • HRC = Hilary Rodham Clinton- the woman lots of US leftists didn’t like cos of Establishment ties and perceived corruption. Right wing people didn’t like her because they think she’s a commie. Also Wikileaks (Hilary hating) & Breitbart (RWNJ news) tarred her with what sounded like bad stuff (that private email server and #pizzagate) but turned out to be #fakenews.
  • It’s becoming increasingly common to cut out words – “i science” instead of “i do science” or “i ❤ science”which were in themselves abbreviations. Kids today.
  • Lactose Tolerant or Milk Lover – white supremacist. Yes really.
  • Libertarians/Tea Party etc – people usually onside with Trump. Which is weird cos they’re anti govt and he’s pro oodles of govt in an authoritarian way – except for medical aid for poor people, pollution controls, safety regs, fair wages, and coal mining.
  • libtard – derogatory US term for people on left wing of political belief. Doesn’t work well in Oz cos of our Liberals not being very liberal except economically. Also most in oz are socially liberal, happy to take ‘welfare’ like child benefit or family tax breaks, and not really against the notion that if they lose their job, and there’s no others to go to, the government might help them survive.
    Ppl in Oz using ‘libtard’ tend to have copied out US Tea Party Manifesto and be trying to fit it onto Oz framework – right to bear arms sounds nuts here, so is easy to spot. See “Leyonhjelm” under “Australia”
  • ppl – people
  • RW wingnut right wing wingnut – see Libertarian above and “Leyonhjelm
  • RWNJ – right wing nut job – this does work in Oz. See also “Leyonhjelm
  • Sean Spicer – Trump’s mouthpiece, mostly famous for spouting #fakenews and saying anyone who doesn’t toe Trump-line will be cut from Prez briefings. Became uber-famous for Melissa McCarthy’s send up of his anti-Muslim hysteria on SNL (“moose lambs“). (He’s already on way out, Trump #fakenews being a fast moving thing.)
  • Socialist = in US usage, ‘anyone who thinks humans starving to death or dying of treatable problems is not cool’. Also called communists, because anti-socialists (usually trolls who only come on net to shout at libtards) can’t tell difference. Anti-socialists will cite so-called socialist states to show how bad they are but if you check, all of the states turn out to be dictatorships or junta-run. Like North Korea, the former USSR, and Cuba. They also ignore US attempts to destabilise any genuine socialist states.
  • Snowflake = someone who expresses leftist views. Originally used in US South against people who were anti-slavery. Rumour that it’s a slur by Nazis against ‘jew-lovers’ has no historical proof. Oh yeah, and there’s so much anti-Semitism rattling round the internet, you’re going to run into it. Try not to breathe in the stench.
  • SNL – Saturday Night Live – US tv show that was unwatchable, but funnier since USA became a police state.
  • speccy or spesh for special
  • stfu – shut the fuck up
  • teh instead of the, is like pwned instead of owned, and came out of typos to become language. Useful when making jokes.
  • Tories – usually UK Conservative Party
  • Totes = totally
  • Troll – someone who doesn’t engage or tweet but only attacks others. Victims might be gay, muslim, women, left wingers, anti-brexiters, or anti-trumps – anyone against the RWNJ Trumpish narrative.
  • Trump or POTUS or Drumpf or Donut or Tuck Frump – US prez – was bad reality tv anchor, now famous being orange and banning Muslims. Only it wasn’t Muslims, only ones from some countries, none of which have ever committed terrorist attacks on US.  Unlike white RWNJ’s. Which he forbade the US to even look at. Their focus must be Muslim and only Muslim.
  • WH White House – where the aforementioned Donut lives.
  • words between * * like “Saw exPM Tony Abbot in Speedos *busy bleaching eyeballs*” usually indicates an action rather than speech.
    (In case there are foreigners reading this, Speedos are tight and brief lycra swim-gear. Also called budgie-smugglers, cos men wearing them look as if a very small parrot is hiding in their undies. Horrifyingly common on East Coast of Australia and in Europe.)
  • Younger folk use heaps more abbreviations – like ‘jelly‘ for jealous. Older folk using them are often being ironic. As in ‘Totes jelly POTUS, can haz gold curtains?’
  • The whole ‘can haz’ is ‘Lolcat’ from leetspeech (you don’t need to know) which became the common tongue of the kittehz (cats) and is a whole series of posts just by itself. Or you could just go visit “I Can Haz Cheezburger?” they’ve even translated the bible into lolcat. “Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.” Yes, it’s sad, but i do understand that.
  • Because of character limits (140chrs including spaces) it’s common to abbreviate words we wouldn’t usually. Or leave them out. Amazing what the brain fills in.
    Above is 160 characters and won’t fit in Twitter.
    Becos chr lim’s = 140 inc spaces, common 2 abbrev wds. Or leave out. Mazing wot brain fills in.
    Above is 95 chrs and leaves space for more jokes.

There are also emoticons and symbols – i’m pretty sure there’s one of a brain.
Cos young pplz zombies.

Australian Tweets

  • Austraylya or Oz or Oztraylyah = Australia
  • Hanson, Pauline Pantsdown, That Woman = Pauline Hanson, leader of One Nation (now Pauline Hanson’s One Nation, or PHON –which of course is endlessly amusing). She used to be in the Liberal Party, hated Asians, left to start her own party, hated Liberals, now is down on Muslims and has moved back to being friend of the Liberal-National Coalition.

    Pauline insists any welfare is ‘handouts’ which she’s against. She was (like most Aussies) happy to take those ‘handouts’ when she was a single mum.Far right wing, but seems to fool poor people to vote for her. Poor people should never vote right wing.

    Far right is for the rich, not the poor, but are good at finding people – usually non-beige – to blame (the words “hitler” and “jews” spring to mind), so poor ppl think “yeah, I can haz a job that pays a living wage if we only kill deport the brown/black/café-au-lait pplz!” Ignores fact that most non-beige are either highly skilled haz science types, or working for less than living wage.

  • Greens – used to be Green Party, but lately have voted with LNP and upset a lot of their following. Personally I think it’s time we stopped splitting the Left Vote and all voted Labor. Thanks to twitter and net petitions, we should be able to keep Labor in line better than before.
  • Labor usually just Labor or ALP – soft Left party. Compared to US Democrats, a lot further left, almost socialist. Have a chequered history, many Left voters not happy with their last few adventures in government. However, Bill Shorten (leader) showing himself to be more and more electable.
  • Leyonhjelm – leader and holder of senate spot of Liberal Democrats – which sounds centrist, and his ‘legalise marijuana and same sex marriage’ policies are certainly not the usual RWNJ ideas. However when you realise he thinks not wearing seatbelts and breaking speed limits are victimless crimes, and laws to stop him are an affront to liberty, and that he also thinks we have right to carry guns for protection, then the RWNJ part gets obv.

    He started out working for Labor Party, joined Libs, then quit them because gun control. He was supposedly only elected because (a) voter confusion over name of party, (b) his name was top of ballot paper. He votes with Family First (a religious far right party) on economic issues.

  • LNP or Lib Nats = Liberal and National Party Coalition – on ropes cos preferences deal in WA with One Nation. Right wing alliance. In Australia, Liberal means Economic (or eCONomic) liberals, completely pro big business and trickledown economics. The only trickledown that happens is when the rich piss on the poor.
  • Mal or Trumble (what Trump called him) or Mr Harbourside Mansion (Peta Credlin, former right-hand-harpy to Abbott, named him for his $50m Point Piper mansion) = Prime Minister Turnbull.
  • NSFW is not safe for work. Nudes, or Two Girls One Cup (involves vomit, cup, girls), are generally NSFW and it’s polite to warn ppl.
  • Same with ‘Warning Graphic Content’ (animals slaughtered, people bombed etc)
  • ON or PHON or PHONey or One Notion = Pauline Hanson’s One Nation, so much fun.
  • Swearing – generally Australians happy to use C word or call pollies (politicians) names. ‘Scumsucking trouserbadger’ is less x rated than ‘tht fkn bstrd cnt’ (& heaps more creative), and will be RT’d whereas a lot of people won’t RT harsh swearing. They may hit Like (a little heart button) but don’t want to offend others. Retweets are good – people will see you and follow you, you can follow back (see Following, below).

When talking to Americans, which i do a lot, i find it handy to remind them that our Libs are not liberals – or i get followed by RWNJ’s who love Trump and tweet about #fakenews pretending it’s real, despite all the evidence on respected news sites (respected in this case probably means ‘non-Murdoch/Fox’ as rough guide).

Following. Click the Follow button. There you are. Though you should have checked their profile page (click their name) and seen if that cute post of a baby hippopotamus was a fluke and they usually post stuff about the Jews taking over the world. If u click the Follow button again, it will light up red, say UNFOLLOW and there you are again. Unfollowed them.

The problem with Twitter, it’s US based. So ‘freedom of speech’ includes the freedom to be abusive, racist, bigoted, sexist, homophobic, and white/male supremacist. Not that there’s much difference between male/white supremacy and the other things, but with all sexist tropes, it ends with women chained to the stove.

“Zionist lezzo bitchez plotting to take the white man’s testicles! Ye shall know them by their short hair!”
Unfortunately not illegal on Twitter – though you can guarantee it won’t be spelled well.

Block & Mute If all else fails (they’re still tweeting @ you about Zionist conspiracies and you’ve tried reason then run out of nasty things to say back) you can Block. Open up their Profile and next to Follow button on left is list of options including Mute and Block. Mute just means you won’t ‘hear’ them. Block means you won’t see them, they can’t read your tweets or follow you. If you block someone accidentally, Twitter now has a Blocked list under Settings where you can see who you’ve blocked and reverse the process. I just noticed you can mute words too.

Faith – you will run into a lot of people who seem misinformed. For example, this guy was convinced Australian government was going bust because of social programs. I said politely no, you’ve got it wrong, (aside from the notion we’re going broke, which is a whole other piece of bullshit).

Look, I said, here’s a mainstream news site (it’s even run by LNP-picked bosses, so any bias towards socialism has been expunged) that has the Australian Tax Office’s information that almost 700 major corporations making over $100 million a year paid no tax, and 36% of large companies aren’t paying any income tax. (Not because they’re cheating, because government has left huge frigging loopholes in tax laws.)

The guy called me a libtard, among other things. And I realised only Block would do.

You can’t reason with belief. Belief depends on faith. Faith is unfettered ignorance unaffected by science or factual evidence.

Faith is not something you should have in a politician or the weather (arguably not in God/s either, but that’s something for another post). Faith leads places.

Next thing you know, you’re sacrificing virgins to keep the crops growing.

****

All this might make Twitter sound awful. Like a rollerderby you haven’t been trained to deal with. I’ve already had to update this several times in a few days, the rate of bullshit’s become incredible. Don’t panic.

You can just post pics of things you like (baby hippos FTW!), or affirmations. People you attract will probably be the same I find. Lovely people (a massive majority), horrible ones (a vociferous minority), and the strange (so many of us).

It’s the net, the world, the neighbourhood.

Welcome.

copyright 2017 https://stinginthetail.wordpress.com

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About stinginthetail

Australian. Female. On Twitter as @stinginthetail. I write as Polo Shawcross. 1960 vintage. Quite strange. Free sample of my top-rated book The Birthday Dragon at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/63286 View all posts by stinginthetail

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