I am shutting my eyes now…

This is going to be a ten minute rant. Well, less depending how many words we get to. My blog is most shamefully neglected *brushes away cobwebs* but that’s a good thing, because I’m in the middle of edits after the first outside read of The Thing. (For those who haven’t been paying attention, The Thing is my now-complete sci fi fantasy novel.)

So, the rant. Lordy, so much to bitch about, and so little time. I think I will focus on one thing. Tights are not pants. If the foot is in, you wear it with something covering the crotch. I do not want to see your genitals outlined in all their glory. Tights in this instance means what we Aussies call stockings and the UK call tights – anything one piece with the feet in, in various weights from sheer to knitted.

I am great believer in ‘every twat is beautiful’ but it doesn’t mean i want to see yours. I even saw a woman this week wearing a pair of the black tights with the white breathable crotch area. People were stopping to stare, and laugh. The woman wiggled along, no doubt thinking they were all looking at her cos she was hawt. Nobody looks hot wearing tights as pants – well, they might look lewd, but if you want to do porno, there are places for that, and it’s not where children or unconsenting adults can see you.

Then there were the group of young girls, who were wearing tights with the waist rolled down to nearly their pubic bones, a shirt tucked in, inside their g-strings underneath, and the g-string pulled up to show waist whale-tail. Ridiculous didn’t quite cover it. Again, people were stopping to laugh, and there were a number of men noting that you could actually see the colour of their undies AND every detail of their vulvas. Look at that chick, she’s got an outie!

Keep your vaginal lips to yourself, sugarpops – if i want to see them, i’ll go look at your page on one of those adult sites where all the men post their penises and the women, in increasing numbers, reduce themselves to a collection of flanges and pink bits. It’s like budgie-smugglers – those tight and tiny lycra swimming togs for blokes that show you whether he’s circumcised or not. So, where was i, penises and labia, um…. i think that’s covered the tights are not pants thing, and it’s been ten minutes.

I even edited out a side rant about Tony Abbott (our leader of the opposition) wearing budgie smugglers and making me want to wash my eyes with bleach. Having said that, if you’re on the beach, and a mad swimmer, or a lifesaver, then sure, I’m told they’re good to swim in.

Tights, however, are NEVER good to wear anywhere by themselves, except possibly in the bedroom when you tell your Mr to tear his way in. What, you’ve never done that? The ripping of the nylon is rather spiffy.

Pfft – you’ve had an extra four minutes. Time for me to go. My work here is done, and The Thing needs another hetero sex scene. Yeah, i put in a bunch of homo ones, and somehow edited all the hetero ones out. As Mr Whatsit said, i could have cornered the gay sci fi fantasy market.

  • On twitter, those who rant about tights not being pants do it under the hashtag #tightsarenotpants
  • If instead of laughing at that, you’d rather follow me – do so at – @stinginthetail
  • I was first awakened to the glory that is tightsarenotpants by @franksting – who is one of the best ranters in 140 characters on the planet, and a lovely bloke to follow.
  • @agent_x – who is likewise an excellent follow, showed me this – there are many of us, and we have press packs! http://www.tightsarenotpants.com/

© https://stinginthetail.wordpress.com


About stinginthetail

On Twitter as @stinginthetail. I write as Lee Abrey. Free copy of my top-rated book Polo Shawcross: The Birthday Dragon at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/63286 View all posts by stinginthetail

4 responses to “I am shutting my eyes now…

  • Injera

    Wow, really? Not “really? tights are not pants?” but “really? you saw somebody trying to rock a pair with a gusset and call that pants?”.

    I’ve seen some egregious examples of pantlessness, but nothing this bad. Just step away from the bleach, or the edits will never get done.

    I would add to this: leggings are not pants.

    • stinginthetail

      Sadly, it’s not the first time i’ve heard of the gusset thing – Mr had to send a girl home from the office once because she’d rocked up in gusseted tights. It was very tricky to point out without getting into sexual harassment territory, he had to get one of the women there to do it for him. Even then, the girl tried to argue that her black tights with white gusset – like painting a see-through target on it – were actually pants!

      Leggings are only pants in the garden or the house, i think – like stirrup pants – but then it’s alright to go nekkid at home, providing you’re not exposing yourself to passers-by. Oh, and of course, at the gym and during sporting events. Most people only watch sport for the fights/crashes and the bodies outlined in too-tight lycra.

      I checked, according to the fashion police – leggings. like tights, are only pants IF you have a top that’s long enough for you to touch your toes and still keep your butt covered. Where are the Fashion Police Enforcers? I want them to bust our local shopping centre.

  • Caveat Calcei

    Sheila – your blog posts like Franksting’s Twitter rants are always worth waiting for. Advice for the modern miss:

    ‘cross your legs in short skirts’
    ‘learn how to walk in high heels’
    ‘keep your vaginal lips to yourself’

    • stinginthetail

      thank you 🙂 heh – and don’t forget,
      “bend your knees to pick things up when in short skirts”
      “daytime tops shouldn’t expose more than an inch or two of cleavage”
      “in public, keep your arse-crack to yourself at all times”

      I love sexy dressing, but there’s a time and place for cleavage, front or back. I often feel like saying, as those wearing their jeans BELOW their butt-cheeks bend over in front of me, “i’m not interested in your chocolate starfish, ta all the same” as i tip iced water into the giant void.

      I’m sure there are more 😀

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