First, suck up to the pope….

Darn, here we are in February, and i’ve been slacking on the blog. Actually, i wrote some posts, but the PMT quotient was too high, they take off paint at ten paces – anyone actually reading them would have their eyeballs exploded, and that’s not what we’re about. It’s not my fault, i caught thrush from being on antibiotics, and it makes a girl cranky.

So, what’s happening? Well, the thrush seems to be clearing, and The Thing’s reached 88,000+ words, which means only about 22,000 to go. I’m trying to make sure the first part is good before i wrap up the end. Currently, i’ve done my usual trick of putting a capable person into a situation where he managed quite well. Damn! No fun unless he’s having problems.

Aside from still being sure he’s gay, that is, but i figure there’s enough young men who read fantasy sci fi who that will resonate for, so his angst over that can stay. After all, I was never going to get the Mormon Church stamp of approval that the Twilight books got. (Yeah, how bad would that be? Mormon Church can’t find anything in your books about vampires that contradict their made-up bible? Though my books aren’t about vampires. Maybe that’s the trick – bloodsucking churches like books about bloodsuckers.)

Come to think of it, maybe i should go do a Bono? No, no, not put on pastel sunglasses and then put out the same album every year for the next twenty, or go live in Ireland because artists didn’t pay ANY income tax on royalties there (and you thought all those celebs lived there cos it’s a cool place? Oh come on! The scheme ran from 1969, but was recently capped at quarter of a million Euro per year) – i mean go suck up to the pope and get him to give up some of the church’s wealth.

Wait, Bono never actually managed that, did he? He just sucked up to the old dead pope for nothing – while he was alive, obviously – but old JP – the P was for Pervert – went back into his bedroom, thinking about all the hot black chicks in Africa doing it without condoms. Risking AID’s, unwanted children, and other disease, all because some wrinkled old toad who got off on whipping himself said so.

They were doing it bare because he said condoms were the work of the devil and that good Catholics would be driven from the church if they dared to even think about them. That’s what excommunication means – and yes, using a condom is reason enough for the Church to drive you out. I’m so glad i turned renegade Catholic before i became sexually active.

The pope then forced himself not to masturbate over the hot black chicks, by getting his rocks off with a belt-thrashing. Making it up? Me? I think not – they’ve just admitted it, Pope John Paul the Bent (the one who died not long ago) used to keep a belt in his wardrobe to beat those urges out. Or off. Some people actually orgasm from pain – makes you wonder.

Still, if i could get Pope Benny to back my book, it would be good PR. He’s got a taste for Prada and couture, maybe i could put some in the book. Repressed gayness whilst fathering broods of children will be huge in the Vatican, that part will be easy. Of course, the women are all very in charge of their own lives, and i’ve made a huge mistake: contraception is easy and available to all. *sigh*

See, i’m screwed,Β  people in charge of their own lives who don’t kowtow to God’s representatives on Earth – Pope Benny won’t go for it. Not unless i get rid of the strong women and the contraception. And even then, i bet the moment i say all i want is one papal ring, enough to flog to pay for the printing costs, Pope Benny will probably get huffy.

After all, the church didn’t make all that money by giving it to the poor!

Writing is just fraught with problems.

He likes it!

He likes it!

(pic via



About stinginthetail

On Twitter as @stinginthetail. I write as Lee Abrey. Free copy of my top-rated book Polo Shawcross: The Birthday Dragon at View all posts by stinginthetail

10 responses to “First, suck up to the pope….

  • Merrilee

    I love it when you go off. πŸ˜€

  • Twitter Fail

    Growing up among Catholics, but not one myself, I found it quite interesting the way Catholics would choose their sins. Don’t use contraception! That would get you thrown out of the church. Go ahead and fornicate all you like, and if you get pregnant, it’s God’s will. As long as you raise the bastards, or give them to someone else, the church still loves you. Who cares if those unwanted pregnancies cause the babies to live in poverty or worse. What difference if the children grow up unwanted, unloved, and abused? God loves them, isn’t that enough?

    • stinginthetail

      yeah, it used to freak me out – they would also use abortion as a method of birth control, because it was ‘after the event’ – whereas using a condom or going on the Pill was ‘before the event’ and a greater sin. I think WTF sums it up. I knew women who’d had 4-6 abortions. Yet they went to church and took communion and thought of themselves as good Catholics. lol.

      A common misconception, even among Catholics, is that all sins are forgiven – according to Jesus, yes, according to Church and God, no. Breaking a commandment – like by saying OMG! – is a mortal sin, and cannot be forgiven. One is going to Hell. This is why Catholics go nuts when they do realise – if damned for that, screw it, they might as well do something really sinful.

  • Cheryl

    I am now officially hooked on your blog! Honest, controversial and humorous. x

  • Graham Storrs

    I think it’s no coincidence that, as soon as I started reading this post, we had a power cut. Oh, my wife tried to tell me it was because she’d poured water all over the electric iron, but I know better. I’d like to read the news items about all thos lovely Jesuits who have been sexually abusing children all over Germany, but i’m worried the ceiling will collapse.

    If only the Labor Government had that kind of power, it wouldn’t need an internet filter.

  • stinginthetail

    i have strong suspicion Kevin (i’m a bornagain!) Rudd is actually Mao Zhedong’s bastard child, but he bleaches his hair.

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