…and woke with an apparently broken thumb or some kind of awful tendon problem. I couldn’t figure out how i could do it without waking up, but it was as bad as when i broke my foot (which i both heard and felt when it happened and it didn’t sneak up on me while i was asleep). It kept getting worse, until that night i staggered out of bed, crying (like a girl, Mr Whatsit said), that my thumb was fucking killing me.
I upped my painkillers and I kept it strapped up tight all the next day – we were of course, in the middle of a three-day weekend – and resigned myself to a wrist and hand in plaster for a month or so.
If i accidentally moved it, the pain was actually “cry out loud even if you were in public and trying to be cool” – yep, severe pain. I did indeed, as Mr Whatsit is alleging, squeal like a girl.
Not just the thumb, but the first two fingers too, shooting up into my elbow and shoulder, though i could feel was probably tendon in my thumb. I didn’ t know what i’d done, but i figured as i didn’t know if was new or old injury (i have too many to remember), i didn’t want to ice it,so just compression bandaged and splinted it. (I happened to have a splinted wrist support, i didn’t whittle one from a handy pine tree. One-handed, that would have been a trip.)
I also found some marijuana butter in the freezer, left over from the obligatory xmas bikkies. It was tricky, but i mixed it with some chocolate in the top half of a double boiler, got it into an ice-block mould, and then put it in the fridge once it started to cool off.
So despite my disability, i was high enough to be Zen about almost anything. I did make a few tweets that in hindsight i considered possibly embarrassing, but i figure my followers are reasonably thick-skinned. I try to remember the NSFW thing (Not Safe For Work – has nudity or some other aspect a boss might object to).
But the weird thing, from ‘broken’ on Saturday, my thumb is by Monday afternoon, massively better. I credit my followers’ good wishes for my recovery – or to at least them praying that i would stop whining about the damn thumb – with my miraculous healing. The Instant Zen Chocolate Blocks™ helped, too. (I lay around reading detective novels, not using thumb.)
It’s still very sore, but compared to the weekend, it’s amazing. I’m telling you so you understand that we’re doing the Catholic thing, and amassing proof of miracles. Yo, cos i’m a deity, and we have to have proof. Like on the TV. Gil Grissom in CSI wouldn’t take no miracle on face value. No, he’d try the Instant Zen Chocolate Blocks™… or if he didn’t, he should have.
Here in the Church of the Queen of Darkness® we’re pleased the first miracle that proves i might be the Antichrist is documented, although the miracle’s not complete – thumb still hurts. *looks at readers* Well? Pray harder!
Wait – that’s completely a joke, and knowing how much the Universe loves to fuck with my head, i’m going to rescind the order now, before someone prays, God gets pissed off at the unnecessary prayer, and my arm falls off in sudden rare form of instant god-leprosy.
Thumb does hurt. So going to stop typing. Before i get too heretical even for Baby Jebus who forgives all and rains down jelly babies in rainbow colours upon the world.
Man, you have to try the Instant Zen Chocolate Blocks™.
Yeah, voices-outside-my-head are in complete control. I don’t even know my own name.