Step 1: Join a gang…

Like much of Australia, (except those sceptics  – some of whom spoke up at the time), i was fooled by the Bogan Clare, AKA the Chk Chk Boom girl. She was a personable young woman supposedly a witness to a shooting.

The clip (on the above link) made me laugh as she described the fat wog shooting the skinny wog. Politically incorrect, but frankly, i don’t really give a fuck about political correctness. I’m not in favour of racism or sexism, but there is a limit.

I especially get annoyed when the Australian police are hamstrung by PC and can’t give a decent description of a criminal thanks to not being able to describe skin colour.

A guy did get shot, by the way, and she was in the area, (allegedly getting a “skank spot” tattoo according to her Twitter stream) but didn’t see the shooting – her friend may have. For those who don’t speak Australian:

  • Bogan = lower class, trailer-trash type.
  • Wog = derogatory slang for those of Mediterranean blood.

In this case, Wog was “possibly Lebanese”. Clare allegedly saw one shoot the other. Only it turns out she didn’t. *sighs* It was her attempt to be a celebrity – something she’s still working hard on (after the hoax has been outed), comparing herself to Paris Hilton.

Paris was famous for being an heiress socialite – before becoming even more famous when that sex tape got out on the net – not for lying about witnessing a crime, but hey, teens today so don’t get history.

Her language helped the clip go viral. I was lol’ing over the whole thing, and so were most i knew. Her performance is funny. She’d started following me on Twitter (after i mentioned Bogan Clare), and honestly, she seemed a nice person, if possibly more eloquent than in her interview – so i refollowed. Of course i suspect now  it was her PR agency.

Yeah, I am past naive and into Pollyannaworld here. I was so annoyed when i read about it being a hoax, i went to see if she was still following me on Twitter. The last thing Clare said on Twitter was (in response to someone’s question):

“I also do a mean imitation of Lindsay Lohan.”

I snapped at her, i’m afraid…

@clare_werbeloff apparently you do a mean imitation of a human being too, you piece of scum

I suppose that kind of thing is why people say i’m known for being blunt. Gosh, i was annoyed. Then i cooled off, but the Great River of Tweets never goes away.

I’m probably more annoyed at myself for not paying more attention to the things that i didn’t think rang true in the video.  She’s only a kid (19) – but people of all ages do hoaxes.

Meanwhile, as a would-be giant of the fantasy sci fi writing world, I’m thinking i probably have more chance of getting a literary agent if i infiltrate organised crime. Wait, let’s rethink this – if it’s organised, i might not get in.

So i infiltrate disorganised crime – easy enough, all i have to do is want to buy some grass, and thanks to that being illegal, this middle-class white girl will end up hanging out with criminals.

Like most people, they’ll be convinced i’m an undercover cop. I’m used to this, (nearly 30 years of me being usually the most drugged one, but apparently the most straight looking), and will convince them otherwise. “G’day,” the spiel begins, “I’m the Queen of Darkness.”

Dare i point out that most of these people wouldn’t have money to buy their fucking guns if it wasn’t for the illegal drugs trade? You don’t stop anything if more than 10% of the population are into it – unless you want a bigger black market problem than you have already.

With 25% of adults in Oz smoking cigs, the push to make it illegal (by banning it everywhere), is a bit presumptuous. With a third of Aussie adults having smoked marijuana in the last year, (despite all the wars on drugs), likewise, it won’t go away. Legalise it, take the criminals out of the trade.

Anyway, political ravings aside, I will become a celeb for witnessing some gang shooting – and will have to go into witness protection, never be able to show my face in public again. I don’t show it much now, thanks to my stalkers, lol.

I’ll be the Salman Rushdie of fantasy sci fi. Only it won’t be a fatwa, so not exactly like, but i can’t think of any other writers who have to be guarded. Armed guards and secret locations, never able to attend book signings or speak at writers’ festivals except occasionally under extreme security – with my protection detail ready to shoot.

Wait, this doesn’t seem such a bad idea, providing the crims don’t find me. I’m looking at it positively – it will make  the supermarket a breeze when i have bodyguards to look after the trolley.

So i’ll just go hang round some likely people, and wait for someone to shoot someone else. “It’s cool, man,” I’ll say, (as i try to blend in), “that was so fucking funny, let me put it on YouTube.” and providing they’re under 30, they’ll let me do it. Lol – these young peoples are so easy to manipulate. Celebrity, anyone?

I’ll capture the moment on my phone (even better than Bogan Clare, see?) providing i can figure out how to use the movie function between now and then. I’d love to tweet it, but suspect my phone can’t manage it, not being an I-Phone. (I must ask someone under 30 if it’s possible.)

May have to email friend and then she can tweet “OMG, @stinginthetail just shot a shooter!” or something.  So we get the hype building with a bit of misinformation. Just like the big kids do it.

This will be while  i run about the street in high heels, full warpaint, and a nice outfit, (*note to self, start new exercise program now), looking for a camera crew – and during this run, i’ll upload my movie to the net. (*note to self – must learn to use phone! Ask Nephew!)

I will use the Invasion Office Chair Fund (donations also taken for the Hello Kitty Kalashnikov Cake & Chocolate Fund), sell everything i own, and buy an I-Phone, because I’ll need to assume a new identity, and they probably have an app for that. *checks price of I-Phone* OMFG. Okay, i’ll sell Mr Whatsit for medical experiments, and then buy an I-Phone.

See, easy. If Bogan Clare had thought of this, or her publicist had, she’d be laughing. Instead of having to appear on A Current Affair for free, (Monday 25th May ’09)  – as if she was someone desperate – she’d be getting money to front up and be “interviewed”. I do suspect Clare has no idea how nasty the experience may be for her.

I will only appear with my face blacked out and my voice disguised, of course, as i’ll be on the run from the Mafia… or maybe a biker gang… or drug kingpins… or… who else might shoot each other? (No, i don’t mean i’ll put on black makeup – I mean they’ll block my face out afterwards.)

Well, if we had more guns, I’d have more choice, just like in the USA. I’d be able to tell someone to walk onto someone else’s porch, and blam! (*note to self, start working on catchphrase even better then Chk Chk Boom!)

And when i appear on A Current Affair, Tracey Grimshaw won’t dare be mean to me because i will have the video to prove it, and my special protection detail standing by to stomp on her.

So, that’s Plan B…. erm… what was Plan A again?

Has anyone been keeping notes?

This post brought to you by the voices-outside-my-head.



About stinginthetail

On Twitter as @stinginthetail. I write as Lee Abrey. Free copy of my top-rated book Polo Shawcross: The Birthday Dragon at View all posts by stinginthetail

2 responses to “Step 1: Join a gang…

  • Nick (nicko236)

    Hahaha, “Hello Kitty Kalashnikov”. What a frighteningly apt vision of our future…

    As someone under 30, I wish you luck!

    • stinginthetail

      lol – they do more than just the kalashnikov – Hello Kitty does a lot of armaments. Ty – *notes yr age* handy to know. Nothing in that post should really make sense, lol – but it does. Yes, i found myself thinking, i’ll talk my way into a place with guns…

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