some evil for the weekend, sir?

Let’s see, i do believe i promised sex and religion. Possibly not combined, but hey, there’s a reason all us nice rejected-Catholic girls fantasise about priests. (I’m not lapsed – leaving the Church was a deliberate decision of rejection on my part.) What do you mean, you don’t fantasise about priests? Not even the pastor? You’re missing some primo fantasy material.

I’ve seen some interesting pornos featuring nuns too. Not to mention all those movies where repressed female sexuality smouldered at repressed male sexuality. Anything with nuns in. Like that John Holmes porn movie with the nuns.

Actually, he was the unsexiest bloke – around 11 inches of penis, and the acting abilities of a stick insect. They made 70’s porn stars look good in that movie with Burt Reynolds and Mark Wahlberg. In his porno movies, John Holmes made Lurch in the Addams Family look like Cleo Magazine’s Bachelor of the Year. And he never got fully hard *yawn* so they were always trying to ‘stuff a softy’. (It’s a technique for achieving penetrative sex with a semi-flaccid penis. Don’t ask how i know these things. Thinking about it, am pretty sure i read it in the sealed section of a woman’s mag.)

Anyway, so to me, the only thing hotter than doing the priest (in religious scenarios) is possibly doing the pope. Not the current pope, obviously – or the last one* shudders and makes sign of cross against Nazi-vampire-Benedict-JohnPaul-narcoleptic-sex* – i am not into evil turtlemen. Though if you are, hey, i won’t judge you – power does things to people’s bits. I want to do fantasy-pope – one of the depraved medieval ones, maybe. Ideally in front of the entire College of Cardinals. Do note, in real life, i have no desire to achieve this – ta all the same.

Popesex beats being nailed to a cross, seriously. You need a helper for crucifixion, it’s not a solo sport. Some people do it without nails, and use chains instead. I’m not into crucifixion, obviously – I’m the Antichrist. Crucifixion’s a very Roman Empire fantasy. Lots of men with hard thighs and breastplates. And short swords. What a disappointment.

There are crucifixion porn stories on the net – but then there is every kind of porn story you’ve never imagined on the net. The net porn industry is not constrained by little things like ‘physical impossibility‘ or ‘impossible without lube‘. If it “will cause permanent damage” that’s okay too. Or even ‘fatal‘.

A lot of people think internet porn is real life, just because someone says “this really happened”. ‘Ecological disaster‘ is alright too. There was one where hundreds of baby octopus died. (I’ve read things I can’t unread, that’s all i’m going to say. )

Apropos of nothing (or “i can’t figure a way to segue neatly into this, so i’m just telling you”) : Since doing that post on using Twitter (and mentioning that i’ve never deleted a Tweet), i’ve done so many typos i can hardly believe it. I nearly deleted 4 posts they were so bad. Thought i’d mention that in case anyone thinks i’m MsTwitterPerfect, or that i think i am.

I forgot to mention – the way to do those neat short URL’s on Twitter (or anywhere else) is to go to TinyURL and it’s free. Or Google “URL shorteners” – there’s lots. I use another site – bit.ly – when i post my evil missives (blog posts) on Twitter – i can see at a glance how many people clicked on that URL, or if it got sent on and used in other places on the net.

As i said, I’d like to focus on religion and porn, but Mr Whatsit is watching Saturday TV and has ended up on a fashion program on the Lifestyle Channel. I think he’s waiting for Grand Designs.  “Glorified coathangers!” he’s shouting at the screen. And he keeps screaming in revulsion as skinny girls stagger in weird undulations down a catwalk. “My God! Clothes don’t look right on them!” Ahh, neat segue, Mr Whatsit.

So, religion, “opiate of the masses”? or is that football? Personally, i think it’s all just a distraction – sex too – if you’re obsessed with those, you won’t be thinking about how badly your country is being governed, or the numbers of poor going without basic healthcare while the christian church, a bloated monstrosity, is the richest entity on the planet.

Because obviously, if you did consider it, you’d be sick over how awfully unfair it all is, and unable to wank over the idea of kneeling under the priest’s lecturn and… “OMG she’s ANOREXIC!”

Yes, thanks, Mr Whatsit, completely broke my thread there. I realised that i promised politics and world domination, as well as religion and sex. Well, i did mention politics. So one to go.

World domination is simple, really – I’m the Antichrist, the Queen of Darkness – vote me for World Ruler. Any opposition will be Disappeared. I don’t intend to wipe them out.  They’ll be at church or the pub, searching for internet porn, and betting on the footy, just like they are now – wasting time getting het up about things that don’t matter.

There *wipes brow* more politics, more religion,
and perhaps a soupçon of egotistical rant.

Is it just me, or is it warm in here?

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

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About stinginthetail

Australian. Female. On Twitter as @stinginthetail. I write as Polo Shawcross. 1960 vintage. Quite strange. Free sample of my top-rated book The Birthday Dragon at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/63286 View all posts by stinginthetail

12 responses to “some evil for the weekend, sir?

  • peacewithinreach

    Hello,
    Ouch. I’m sorry for the bad experiences of Church, or something, that you must have had. The thing is, God, His grace, His love, but also, eternity with or without Him doesn’t go away, no matter how we feel or what we say.
    Whatever we each say, and whatever screw ups the church, not God, but the church, does, (I as a pastor am sorry on behalf of the church as that shouldn’t happen) we’ll each still meet our holy God face-to-face.
    Would you take a moment to check out http://www.peacewithinreach.com for some inspiration. If it’s helpful, please link to it and/or pass it on. I care a lot.
    By his grace,
    Pastor Fred

    • stinginthetail

      I visited your site, but i’m allergic to organised religions and it made me itch. *shows you a note from my doctor* I do agree – the church does mess up religion, i much prefer it without men telling me what God will or will not tolerate from me. If I want to talk to God, i don’t need an intermediary. Thanks all the same.

      The voices-outside-my-head say you mean well, so i won’t get freaked out over this and nail you to a tree. 🙂

      • peacewithinreach

        Praying for you Nick. Really, I care. No matter how much you deny the Creator who amazingly made the grass growing around you, or the amazing function of our bodies — way beyond some Big Bang, or clear answering of prayers, etc., etc., He won’t go away by our disregarding Him, and if it becomes too late for you, I would feel real bad. Reality for me is going to the Creator who is all about science and health, all the stuff scientists and others do. God is completely about reality and humanity. If He weren’t, we’d all be breathing for our last few seconds of life.
        Honestly though, Hell is joked about a lot by people. Boy, they better hope they are right.
        Nick, from one real imperfect “human” to another, take care,
        Pastor Fred ( http://www.peacewithinreach.com )

    • Tea

      I’m a Frisbeetarian. I believe that when we die, our souls go up on the roof and get stuck there. (http://tinyurl.com/6crav6)

  • nickhodge

    Pastor Fred

    There are no Gods. It’s the evolution of your brain that is causing the hallucinations. The bronze/iron age god you probably speak of is a most recent anomoly. Probably invented by male Sun-god worshippers who did not go for Mother-earth gods. Or something like that.

    I suggest a good dose of reality, realism, most importantly: humanity.

    Only then will your mind be on a path to peace.

    Nick

  • Bam!

    I must admit…I didn’t realize I was into crucifixion porn until I read your blog. Now I am running the other direction toward magic crystal porn, but I heard they hurt just the same.

  • nickhodge

    Dear Pastor Fred

    “god” or “gods” did not make the earth, the grass under our feet – or in fact, humans.

    We evolved. Billions of years. We are products of the Laws of the Universe. This particular Universe.

    Your reality is not my reality.

    Too late for me? Please keep praying as it seems to assist your delusions.

    I am baptised into the Christian Church. So what? If your god is such a forgiving god as you precious bible states; maybe I will be “saved”. Or not, really depends on which bit you read.

    At least we agree that humans are imperfect. And thankfully our imperfections are different

    Nick

  • have you heard about the word? « Sting in the Tail

    […] i told Pastor Fred (who’s trying to redeem us sinners, in the comments on the pope porn post), i’m allergic to organised religions. That covers Catholicism and all the schism faiths. […]

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