i blame my parents…

plenty of handy roping points, but the ears are going to tickle

plenty of handy roping points, but the ears are going to tickle

The lovely Tea tells me the next big thing is furniture porn. A move onwards from toaster insertions, though of course, you will need a rope to tie to the leg of the chair or table. Or lampstand. The handy thing about toasters was that they came with a cord so you didn’t lose them.

Nothing worse than a coffee table gone rogue internally. Especially if you can’t remember how many bits of furniture were in the house when you started. Beginners want to start small.  For instance, the sheep chair is one for the advanced user. The novice should start with something that doesn’t need a 44 gallon drum of lube, a winch, and a greasegun to hand. Something more streamlined.

chair insertion FAIL

chair insertion FAIL

A word about safety. Have a safecall – this is someone who, if you don’t contact them inside a certain time frame will rescue you or call the fire brigade. The woman on the right learned the hard way after spending 3 days trapped in an Octopus Chair insertion gone horribly wrong.

If a neighbour passing hadn’t heard her screaming, she might have been there until her husband returned from a conference four days later.

for the beginner

for the beginner

Better to begin your career in furniture porn with something like the red chair on the right   – yes, it’s really a chair.  Naturally, it’s up to you as to whether to employ assistants to man the ropes.

A lot of people get off on the mostly amateur furniture porn available, saying that the weird camera angles, occasional feet obscuring the action, and in the case of the late great Tonya Bigones, the sight of a woman trying to insert a grand piano, is the best part.

It’s spawned a host of imitators, and even the beginning of the professional furniture porn industry.

There’s still room for the enthusiastic amateur, and sites like RateMyToasterInsertion also have areas for the furniture connoisseur. Surprisingly, a lot of stuff ends up on YouTube, purely because the censors don’t think it’s real. Of course, the BDSM aficionados are in on the act, as in the peg chair below.

thats gotta hurt!
that’s gotta hurt!

There’s even been a small number of suicides by bolster cushion, at least, they’ve been classified suicides, but some people are saying auto-erotic-strangulation-via-bolster cushion is too hard, these people must have had assistance.

However, we’re all about playing safe. You will need good rope, an anchor point to tie it to, latex gloves, extra-large furniture condoms, and at least your own bodyweight in water-based lube. (I hear that silicon lube is considered excellent, but as it does contain silicon, i don’t really want it in my body.)

Crisco is  not advised, it coats delicate internal tissues and can kill off the natural critters that we rely on for internal health. Never use Vaseline as a lube for the same reasons, and because it’s made from petrol byproducts and eats away at latex (like the stuff your condoms are made of).

Good Lord – (i’m allowed to say that, *shows Papal Dispensation to take His name in vain* only cost me a proof of purchase on two packs of Benedict’s Cotton Candy Flavoured Underpants and i got a coupon for a pack of Vatican Fishnet Stockings) –  I’ve accidentally included some good information in here, what a shame it’s obscured by toaster and furniture porn.

Never mind, and while i have you here, don’t forget, get your tshirt on your way out. Now in white, red, and black.

it's more fun with a friend
it’s more fun with a friend

*reads back* Okay, it’s official, i’ve gone nuts. Or i’ve reached Zen and your worldly constructs no longer trouble mah evolv-ed soul.
*looks way-more-holier-than-thou*

The Queen of Darkness thanks you for reading and
apologises for what’s probably going through your mind.

The voices-outside-my-head made me do it.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

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About stinginthetail

Australian. Female. On Twitter as @stinginthetail. I write as Polo Shawcross. 1960 vintage. Quite strange. Free sample of my top-rated book The Birthday Dragon at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/63286 View all posts by stinginthetail

6 responses to “i blame my parents…

  • Tea

    I do believe I will have nightmares about that octopus chair!

    As has been pointed out to me, there is actually a furniture porn website, with hot lawn chair-on-lawn chair action!

  • stinginthetail

    oh wow – you’re not kidding – that’s so sick
    http://www.furnitureporn.com/
    I mean seriously – chairs doing chairs? That’s chairosexuality… total depravity

    btw, the sheep chair freaked me most, lol

    • Tea

      The sheep chair looks like it needs a big, burly man with a club of some sort to sit on it and rule over his sheepy subjects. I’m not sure I would take orders from a man sitting on a sheep chair, but other sheep might! Out of fear, perhaps.

      • stinginthetail

        Lord of the Sheep! Kneel before meh, biatchez!

        Hmm – yes, other sheep would definitely pay attention – you could do one with all kinds of animals – a cow chair would be interesting – ouchie if they were horned

  • SIMZ BABES

    That sheep chair is awsome.

    • stinginthetail

      it’s an Aussie chair, actually – made at NIDA (National Institute for Dramatic Arts) in Sydney – for a production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream – still living at NIDA, where i gather it’s in the public spaces.

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