the only certainty is uncertainty

I keep forgetting that i should read my stats like a story – one i’m not emotionally involved in. It makes no sense. There’s no rational reason for the highs and lows, at least none i can see. I do notice little peaks when i post my blog on Twitter, but i only do that once for each blog.

That’s the thing with Twitter – you want to offend people? Self-promotion is an easy way to do it if you get the angle wrong. I feel like my Tweeple – the ones i follow who also follow me – are becoming friends or at least valued acquaintances.

So with friends, (or VA’s) i can say look i wrote a blog – but to hassle them? Nooo. And to harass someone (Follower or not), by sending them a direct message (private message) trying to sell my blog? *shudders* How fricking rude.

I’m up to my neck in people (who i’m not Following back), who are super-sure they can sell me something, thanks to me saying a few key words (there are programs that search for words in the Tweetstream so marketers can target their victims suckers marks clients).

The thing about the search programs, is they don’t get sarcasm, or even abuse. So of course, i’ve got heaps of multi level marketers, and people who want to maximise my earning potential. If you were MLM, would you want to follow a person who said this…

“i wrote u an anthem *sings the mlm song* stupid ppl pay my bills, stupid ppl heal my ills, are u as stupid as a cow? Make $$$! ask me how!”

Or this…

“me saying all mlm people deserve to drown in lava does not mean ‘follow me'”

or this,

“go stick your head in a bucket, mlm scum”

or,

i am the Antichrist, it says so in my write up – wtf would you add me – oh,wait, yr religious claptrap is only skin deep if $$ are involved.”

and,

“make $$$ – ask me how” – if this sounds like you, don’t bother following, i won’t refollow – except briefly, by mistake”

But still they come. Some of them even private message me with ‘make $$$, ask me how’ and not in an ironic way, so i get to say  ‘sod off’ or “sale FAIL” and block them. It’s only annoying because I always go to look, all excited, wondering who my new follower is or what the DM is about.

I see ‘entrepreneur’, or ‘Christ follower marketing guru SEO wanker trollop git hooker fucktard whore marketer’, and i just know, we’re not going to get on. And you can guarantee, that when i do need a marketing person, i’ll pick one of the nice ones capable of holding a conversation who doesn’t spam me.

Yes, i do have people in advertising on my list – they amuse meh, with their witticisms and cries of existential angst. Oh wait, that’s the poets, crying out like that. I have an eclectic list – i cover the political spectrum but not the crazy ranting bits of it.

Oh – i have a weakness for the Aussie fake politicans – including @StephenConroy. The fake Nathan Rees (not the NSW premier) is so annoying it’s like having the real one around, i keep getting the urge to bang his head into a wall.

There are some lovely people on Twitter. I said once it was like a chat room, which it isn’t really. If you want to chat, you can take it private – Direct Message or DM – but it’s better to go to a messenger or something like Skype if you’re at the chatty stage. I talk too much on it – bad bad Sheila.

People talk about a high nuclear follow rate – which means if they follow that person, they post a lot. Twitter’s more for saying smart-arse oneliners, or wailing (in 140 characters), or just saying, “traffic is bad”, “train is late” or whatever else is in your head. On a good day, one channels Noel Coward and people Retweet your comments or jokes.

All the time, there are MLM people watching everything you say – I mentioned the word ‘beer’ in a post and i’m getting people selling wine, interested in beer, or trying to sell it. *sighs* You idiots really need to stop automating your follower choices.

I like to follow people, i’m easily amused. But MLM people are boring  – oh, didn’t you know? Yes, the whole world yawns when you start your oh-so-casual spiels. Back when i was younger there was a thing called pyramid selling – it was outlawed because so many people joined them (oops, greed again – see previous post), and got ripped off.

Far as i can see, MLM is just son-of-pyramid. Yeah, someone makes money, but it’s the guy at the top of the pyramid – the rest of you are suckers – at least as much as anyone who’s stupid enough to listen to you.

It’s mostly enjoyable, the mlm people are just an annoyance, like mosquitoes. I’m following several animals at the moment – though i had to get rid of @Ceiling_Cat as all the lolspeak posts got a bit wearing.

However, if you really want to go insane, try the lolcat translation of the bible project. Here’s a little bit of Genesis.

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

Go check out Revelations, lol –

Mistri, Babylon teh Grate, Mama of h00krz n nasti stuffz” was rited on her forhed.6 She wuz drunk on teh blood of teh saintz. I wuz realli freekt.

Yes, it’s a worry – people have spent time actually translating the entire Bible, book by book, into LolSpeak. They’re nearly finished, and I think someone should be told.

I really like @RealShamu, a killer whale at SeaWorld in the US.

The veterinarians are coming this morning.  Reckon I’ll have to go in a cup. Humiliating.

Number of cameras ruined because people are unclear on the concept of “Splash Zone”: 17,213.

Or @Sockington the cat (Fatty is his owner)

HEY FATTY TIME TO REBOOT THE FOOD DISH control alt kibble

EXCELLENT TUNA VINTAGE nice bouquet nutty flavor lasting finish JUST KIDDING I FINISHED IT IN TWO SECONDS hit me up again

EricasFish is still a favourite

Amazed that people think I’m a figment of the human’s imagination. She is not smart enough to be writing from a fish’s perspective

The human has reduced dinner to 3 pellets, because I’ve been looking “paunchy” lately. That was just a bad angle, you judgmental jerk.

You can see why i like them. They’re a bit eccentric, which is how i like my friends. Anyway, the thing about the fake animals (not fake, real animals, but obviously not Tweeting), is that they’re incredibly popular – @Sockington has over 300,000 followers.

@RealShamu has 350 odd – but he’s only been going for 2 days. OMG – i’m in at the beginning of a trend! How could i resist:

Mommy bloggers at SeaWorld last month. That makes this a predator blog. I’m a “progger.” Nobody steals that. Deal?”

Her Majesty was very amused. But 350 in 2 days? i mean, ffs, i’ve only got 169 and about 90 of them are MLM. The numbers go up and down, like my blog visitors – i think the only thing to do is try to ignore it.

I’m here for me first – you lot come second – well, third after chocolate… oh – wait, um – fourth after world domination. You’re still ahead of cheese on crackers, but if it’s a really good cheese… yeah, i’m weak for cheese.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com



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About stinginthetail

On Twitter as @stinginthetail. I write as Lee Abrey. Free copy of my top-rated book Polo Shawcross: The Birthday Dragon at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/63286 View all posts by stinginthetail

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