Twitter got better

Despite my previous words, about being too scared to go back to Twitter and face Al Gore, I went back and deleted him, and Penn (Penn&Teller). I don’t know who most of the other people are still in my network, but you seem nice.

Sorry, Al, no offence, but you’re not my type, and Penn was too quiet. I did however, find Stephen Fry (who’s divinely funny). He has decided that the fake Eddie Izzard must be dethroned, and so he’s persuaded the real Eddie (who is surreal and so funny) to join. So i now have both of them in my Twitter network. Tres cool, huh?

And my ex in London is still relying on who he knows, pfft. I’ve been on Twitter three days and i’m already rubbing myself on the famous. Sorry about that guys. *offers towels* I feel i should add, whatever the Twitterquette is, Stephen and Eddie are quite safe as i’m too lazy to even stalk them online for long. Eight people are now watching me on Twitter even though i’m not doing much. I posted some experimental twitters last Saturday.

I twitted? Twittered, i think is correct. Then one Twats in the past tense.  I Twattered? I’m not sure of the language, and i’m pretty sure i just made Twitterquette up – easy to feel a right Twit *snigger* or should that be Twat?

So far my loyal disciples fellow Twitters (Twitterers? Twittles? Twitterati? Twits?) are all men, maybe they’re hoping for a wardrobe malfunction. It’s a text-based messager, so they’ll be waiting a while. Oops, i’ll type, my knickers just fell off! and i’ll giggle. This is the way to be popular, i’m pretty sure. Man, i am gonna lay waste to the Twitter Kingdom. Of course i’m naked, I’ll type, while comfy in trackies and slippers – would i lie to you? (note: this is humour/humor and anyone demanding text nudity will be blocked.)

It’s occurred to me that Stephen and Eddie might one day come here – i hope i figure out how to do pages before then, and how to change the bag on the vacuum. I should make clear, they aren’t watching me, i’m watching them. Spooky, huh? Yeah – join Twitter and feel like a stalker in three easy steps, hehehe.

There were a lot of men who used to spend their lives longing for a wardrobe malfunction and who never knew what to call it. Life has changed a lot. My grandmother lived through the coming of the car and the computer, among other things, (1901-84) – i’ll be able to say, i lived through the coming of the video, the camera phone, and the First Great Porn Wave. No, i don’t mean wave your bits at me. Or anyone else.

I just mean now all you have to do is take Google’s Safesearch function off, and you have porn. (It’s either in your Advanced Settings on your google page, or when you get a search result, you’ll see SafeSearch On, or SafeSearch Off at the top of the page. Shazam! Be careful what you google for.)

In the olden days it was much harder. Well, i dunno if harder is the right word. Sheesh. Language is a minefield. These things start so innocently, a throwaway comment here, next thing my email box is stuffed with penises. Pictures of them, obviously, not real ones. I would add, my email is not the same as the name on this blog, i don’t want whoever that is to suddenly be neck-deep in porn and me to be blamed.

*goes to look at twitter and say something more than”blogging and focused on food”*

OMG, bugger Al Gore! I have eleven watchers on Twitter! Ha, in your face, Al Gore, i don’t need you. *reads that over* I obviously didn’t mean actual buggery, i meant i’m shallow – and I wasn’t putting anything in Al Gore’s face or his anything else.

Jeez, this blog is embarrassing – what if Eddie Izzard is tremendously bored, goes for a wander among the thousands who have already added him on Twitter, and he reads this? Or Mr Fry does? He’s a delicate chap, if terribly cosmopolitan – i might affect him badly. He’s had that time in prison … wait, that was Oscar Wilde.

I better change this blog a bit, or people will point, say, yeah, she’s the one who made Stephen Fry look at porn. Assuming anyone has made it this far – after you all took SafeSearch off, you could be lost for weeks.

Ooh – 12 people on Twitterand one is a girl! Hmm… she’s into inspirational texts, and seems quite popular. I wonder how many times she’s had to drop her knickers to get 42,000+ in her network?

Oh – i see, she’s selling something. Her version of ‘how to find happiness and success, *sound of gagging*, gee, do i look like a sucker? I don’t like people who think they have a mortgage on the Truth. Except when it’s me, obviously. I need to find the delete button.

Nobody’s ramming anything down my throat.

I didn’t mean literally, of course. Damn, language fucks with my meaning again! i mean fucks as in messes with. Not literally fucking with.

Oh look, there’s someone at the door! *runs*



About stinginthetail

On Twitter as @stinginthetail. I write as Lee Abrey. Free copy of my top-rated book Polo Shawcross: The Birthday Dragon at View all posts by stinginthetail

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