Now Contains Added Bacon!

In other news – the Invasion of Queensland ’09™ has become the Invasion of Queensland ’09 ’10™… probably after mid-year. Which is annoying, but these things are sent to try us. And i know by whom.

God better watch out when i get to Heaven, i am going to nail the bastard’s scrotum to the wall. Another year (possibly that long) in New South Wales? Arrggh.

And i had tshirts made!

I go with what's popular

Sadly, Queensland is a bit like Jerusalem – warm, infested with terrorists tourists, you should be able to find a Kosher butcher, and it’s been put off until next year. Lack of funds mainly.

Extreme bummer, and ironic – we had an offer of free rent for a few months that would have enabled us to save some money. Ah well, these things happen. If i discern a reason, God’s Holy Hand Grenades get a reprieve.

Meanwhile, i’m trapped in New South Wales. *heavy sigh* And sooner or later someone  – who didn’t like me being critical over the weather or my paddles in the shallow end of the Central Coast gene pool – will recognise me and try to stone me to death.

Probably as i wander lost in The Wilderness (AKA Erina Fair, biggest shopping centre between Sydney and Queensland). It’s tough being the Antichrist.

I’ll just have to take over this state first. I can’t be bothered waiting until we can invade Queensland. So, the revolution begins.

I  suppose if i had a new tank, especially one with air-con, *hint hint* i might be persuaded to pop down, massacre every Sydney celeb that i can find – except those in my Twitter list. I promise by the #cultofmarkpesce (a strange, sweater-loving cult) not to hurt Mark Pesce.

However, Kyle Sandilands will be first to the wall. I reckon that ‘shock jock’ should be rebranded – ideally in the middle of the forehead with a hot iron – how does “famous for being a wanker” sound?

****

Reading back, i note this is the second blog in a row where i’ve mentioned nailing someone’s genitalia. Though abusing God’s is a new one. I’ll probably find i’m wrong, and “How many of God’s testicles can dance on the head of a pin?” was a common theme for debate in your average Middle Ages monastery. Or nunnery.

Genital abuse could be a theme, or maybe a motif. It could symbolise something. Like me wanting to kill things. I think this is part of being a real writer. “Oooh, ‘ark at her, a motif. Ain’t we la-de-dah?” It’s alright, that was just a voice from inside my head, we don’t pay attention to those.

I could use a staple-gun instead? For Kyle’s boy bits. Would that be more humane? I think i’d enjoy stapling parts of Kyle to a backboard far too much for my own good.

It might be tricky, him being so obviously over-compensating for lack of oomph. (Yes, that is a euphemism, for me being very rude.) Wait, didn’t one of the Hooker Dolls for PrePubescents ® come with her own Professional Dungeon & Dominatrix kit? Or did i dream that?

*sound of whispering*

Aw, shame, because there was a tiny staple-gun in the equipment,
the  perfect size.

****

I was distracted from such happy thoughts by these figures just to hand. Beloved Visitors can be divided, those whose country of origin can be discerned, and those who can’t. Why do you hide from me, preciouses?

About half of you, i know where you come from. Don’t panic! Only your country, nothing more. I landed on one site yesterday that had a groovy widget that said the latest visitor, (i.e. me), came from  “Budgewoi NSW” and swung the animated globe to where i am and zoomed in.

It was just someone’s blog, but I found myself wanting to hide under the desk and pull the curtains, in case a Google Earth van pulled up outside. Talk about scaring the Beloved Visitors. I don’t want to make anyone nervous like that.

However, I need more. I’m hooked on having minions slaves Beloved Visitors.

****

There is only one thing for it – i’m going to have to spread my market demographic. We have eunuchs, budgerigar fanciers, those pining for ponies,  toaster sex aficionados, and the occasional lost soul who seems to be looking for me, or possibly God.

I’m trapped in this deity niche, i need to diversify my appeal. No problem, we already have sex, religion, politics, what else is everyone into?

****

We need more junk food, everyone likes junk food – i need to put in more pies, pizza, beer, and bacon. At the same time, by mentioning low fat, i’ll automatically pull in dieters. Oh, how fickle are search engines.

I found out what a corn dog was the other day – America, your shame is exposed. It’s fat and pigs’ lips, poached in oil. Okay, so technically, it’s a hot dog sausage, encased in corn batter and fried.

Anyway, i need more fat and beer – or at least the blog does. Tea and crumpets are not enough. Marmalade does not feed the man inside. I need some of that cheese that comes in a can in case there are people who don’t get cheese.

I should probably have a sausage sizzle. (No, that’s not a euphemism. Aussie tradition to earn some money, serve cheap eats, outside some shopping centre: sausages and fried onion in bun or bread with sauce.)

Note to self: stop scaring away men by talking about sex. Probably hold off the genital nailing until they get used to the castrations. If i really am serious about spreading my appeal, we need less about me getting the trains to run on time, and more about “Beers for all my friends!”

This blog’s been too low fat, except for the butter on the crumpets. There’s been hardly any booze, and not enough ball games. Unless stapling them counts?

ZOMG! I could staple bacon to Kyle! Woot, pork-on-pork action! “Baybee, we can haz hot secs nao?”

I don’t know who said that, everyone’s saying it was the other guy. I suspect the voices-outside-my-head, because they’re more into puns. I have a better idea.

We could race local wannabe’s like Kyle and his sidekick Jackie O (who makes Paris Hilton look classy), along the Opera House steps. Ooh, we can use Rove, of course.  MacManus and Karl. The Aussie one AND the US one, why not? (Is the US one a cool guy? Cos he doesn’t have to die if you speak up now.)

Celebrity racing, with bacon, uh-huh.
I can see it – nude except for bacon loincloths.

We know what you want...

The bacon’s just because everyone, no matter what socio-economic bracket, loves bacon. Liberal, Labor, Green, or People Even More Crazy Than Me, out here on the lonely Anarchist Monarchist fringes of polite politics. Me and Al Gore, we both pine to be queen.

Republican or Democrat – even if bacon is your shame – you love it. Bacon’s your guilty secret. And if we staple it to celebrities, sharks will be able to eat them without gagging.

And it occurs to me, i haven’t been instilling enough fear in the populace. I think my new TV show, Shark Versus Wanker, will do the trick.

****

Message to presenters: you will present the show, not yourself, thanks, or we will staple bacon to you.

A special invited audience will throw rotten meat as you run past, then are cattle-prodded dive jauntily into Sydney Harbour. Oh, how we will laugh as you try to make it to the Heads.

Jackie O would look très cute with a few bits of bacon
stapled to her chihuahua (that’s a euphemism).

the next big game show idea "Not Waving, But Sharkbait"

I will be chumming the water with fishguts and cheering on the Sydney Harbour Bull Sharks. These are real sharks, not actually a team, but I think it would be HUGE. Yes, there will be cheerleaders from all the major football teams to chase into the water – for a small fee you even get your own cattleprod.

Before someone gets pedantic, that’s a Great White in the picture – it was taken in a studio, with makeup, and Cedric is just pretending to be a bull shark. Cedric is 8 metres (26 feet) long, and normally prefers colder waters. But for Kyle, he says he’ll make an exception.

And of course, that’s Kyle Sandilands to Cedric’s left, pretending to be a human being. Yes, Kyle’s head IS to scale. Don’t forget, no sentient creatures would be harmed in the making of this new gameshow, and we’d dispose of a pollutant. It’s a win:win.

Of course the celeb’s will be in it – look how much money Michael Jackson and Elvis have made since they became dead for tax reasons. Besides, Kyle will do anything if there’s a media pack there.

Excuse me, i think i follow his agent on Twitter,
i have to run before someone else pitches this.

****

What’s Toaster Sex? Sex with household appliances.
Gosh, i need to explain? Just remember to hold onto the cord.
And obviously, to unplug it first.

Here, i’ve blogged about it before. I even had Charlton Heston soliciting gay Hummer sex. (Yes, that’s with a car, men always like cars more than something out of the kitchen.)

If you’d like to see more pretty toaster sex pics, try here too.

© http://stinginthetail.wordpress.com

NFSFFW

What does NFSFFW mean? Well, Not Safe For Work is NSFW, then we have Not Fucking Safe for Fucking Work.

I’m trying to warn you, that in this post in particular, if you’re offended by bad language, you had better run away. This post is offensive. Nice, huh? I’ve probably guaranteed everyone will read right to the end. It’s mostly pictures, it’s not like it will strain you.

WARNING: CHILDREN, SHUT YOUR EYES NOW!
VERY BAD LANGUAGE AHEAD

There are a lot of people searching for ponies and ending up on this blog. You probably want to close this window now, before you’re inducted into the Queen of Darkness’s armies.

****

What am i enraged about today? Hmm… let’s see. Aside from the usual, like the government’s plans to censor the internet for all Australians, i’m not feeling super enraged. I thought instead i’d show you some pretty pictures. Ready?

Here we go!

just the thing for the church picnic, & thought-provoking

Hmm… i don’t know if I want that one, people might think i’m a believer. There’s always shock value ….

i'm not sure i'm this much of an attention whore

In the end, i designed my own.

Finbert rides again

Root means ‘sex’ in Australian, by the way – ‘wanna root?’ = ‘wanna fuck’. Yep, i think i’ll go with the one above – that poor fish, he’s had a workout.

Finbert also appeared in this post, where he was sexually abused by Burt Lancaster. It wasn’t Burt’s fault, it was a typo – you see, that fish is a cichlid. Read the post, seriously, it makes sense there. Well, as much sense as i ever make.

I was reading back over some posts while chasing down links for this and noticed that my most popular posts remain the ones you think are sexual (aside from whichever is the newest one).

You still can’t get enough Camel Toe for the Beginner – which does have camel toe, but also has bizarre fetishes, just so nobody gets lonely.

Another hawt sexy post Toaster Sex Will Rot Your Brain is actually a very nice rant on the unfairness of being banned because i have breasts. I still love the pics i did for that one. There’s something about toaster sex.

Yeah, i know most visitors are not really admiring the size of my brain or my cute pictures. Or even my Minions’ Badges. You’re looking for porn. (Or ponies, various birds, Antichrist humor, penectomies, and sex dolls. Seriously. And people say I’m weird.)

I do have a disclaimer somewhere that points out that when i mention sex, i do put in enough jokes to make it highly interruptive if you’re trying to masturbate. And i really wasn’t serious about inserting furniture.

If you like the two tshirts at the top, and want one, click the pic to go the shops that sell them.

I think the third one rocks. I want one of those! Where’s my Number One Minion? Make it so, Number One!

*****

In other news – there are at least 17 people visiting my blog every day! SEVENTEEN! Wow.

Seventeen people is enough for a death squad, this is so cool!

Bless you, dear little minions Beloved Visitors.

© http://stinginthetail.wordpress.com

i blame my parents…

plenty of handy roping points, but the ears are going to tickle

The lovely Tea tells me the next big thing is furniture porn. A move onwards from toaster insertions, though of course, you will need a rope to tie to the leg of the chair or table. Or lampstand. The handy thing about toasters was that they came with a cord so you didn’t lose them.

Nothing worse than a coffee table gone rogue internally. Especially if you can’t remember how many bits of furniture were in the house when you started. Beginners want to start small.  For instance, the sheep chair is one for the advanced user. The novice should start with something that doesn’t need a 44 gallon drum of lube, a winch, and a greasegun to hand. Something more streamlined.

chair insertion FAIL

A word about safety. Have a safecall – this is someone who, if you don’t contact them inside a certain time frame will rescue you or call the fire brigade. The woman on the right learned the hard way after spending 3 days trapped in an Octopus Chair insertion gone horribly wrong.

If a neighbour passing hadn’t heard her screaming, she might have been there until her husband returned from a conference four days later.

for the beginner

Better to begin your career in furniture porn with something like the red chair on the right   – yes, it’s really a chair.  Naturally, it’s up to you as to whether to employ assistants to man the ropes.

A lot of people get off on the mostly amateur furniture porn available, saying that the weird camera angles, occasional feet obscuring the action, and in the case of the late great Tonya Bigones, the sight of a woman trying to insert a grand piano, is the best part.

It’s spawned a host of imitators, and even the beginning of the professional furniture porn industry.

There’s still room for the enthusiastic amateur, and sites like RateMyToasterInsertion also have areas for the furniture connoisseur. Surprisingly, a lot of stuff ends up on YouTube, purely because the censors don’t think it’s real. Of course, the BDSM aficionados are in on the act, as in the peg chair below.

that’s gotta hurt!

There’s even been a small number of suicides by bolster cushion, at least, they’ve been classified suicides, but some people are saying auto-erotic-strangulation-via-bolster cushion is too hard, these people must have had assistance.

However, we’re all about playing safe. You will need good rope, an anchor point to tie it to, latex gloves, extra-large furniture condoms, and at least your own bodyweight in water-based lube. (I hear that silicon lube is considered excellent, but as it does contain silicon, i don’t really want it in my body.)

Crisco is  not advised, it coats delicate internal tissues and can kill off the natural critters that we rely on for internal health. Never use Vaseline as a lube for the same reasons, and because it’s made from petrol byproducts and eats away at latex (like the stuff your condoms are made of).

Good Lord – (i’m allowed to say that, *shows Papal Dispensation to take His name in vain* only cost me a proof of purchase on two packs of Benedict’s Cotton Candy Flavoured Underpants and i got a coupon for a pack of Vatican Fishnet Stockings) -  I’ve accidentally included some good information in here, what a shame it’s obscured by toaster and furniture porn.

Never mind, and while i have you here, don’t forget, get your tshirt on your way out. Now in white, red, and black.

it’s more fun with a friend

*reads back* Okay, it’s official, i’ve gone nuts. Or i’ve reached Zen and your worldly constructs no longer trouble mah evolv-ed soul.
*looks way-more-holier-than-thou*

The Queen of Darkness thanks you for reading and
apologises for what’s probably going through your mind.
The voices-outside-my-head made me do it.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

toaster sex will rot your brain..

It gets funnier – people have had a chance to go through the list of  sites to be completely banned in Australia. One of them, Abbywinters, was winner of the Best Adult Site in Australia, the last three years running. On the front page, they say.

Parents, we recommend http://www.child-internet-safety.com
to ensure your children cannot access our site.

They’re not the only site that thought they were legal to be banned. Surprise, apparently nudity, breasts, genitalia of any kind, dentistry, and of course, toaster insertions, (a common kind of extreme porn, see previous post) are now completely illegal in Australia.

the dangers of pornography

They’ve even banned a site where women show their G-strings (thongs in US) above their jeans. I object to being criminalised just because i have illegal body parts – i didn’t know they were illegal when i incarnated on this backward planet.

A couple of fetish sites are on the list. We all know, one spank, and bam, you’re robbing liquor stores and raping passing antelope. Some gambling sites are banned, but not all – which is just as well, they’re not actually illegal. However, some take babies in exchange for chips – who knew? Animal boarding kennels are also verboten. Yep, i knew someone who put their kids in kennels accidentally,and took the dog on holidays.

They’ve banned a lot of ordinary porn too. (Men and women doing it to each other, no under-age toasters involved.) There’s a few others (about half) also with no apparent connection to kiddies.

Oh yeah, then there’s the geriatric sex site – lol. Omg, the wrinklies are doing it! That’s so hot, i think i’ll just… um… wow, look at how their baggy bits are all moving, like some kind of giant sea anemone. This is supposed to make me want to attack children?

A woman from a child advocacy group said that every fifteen-year-old boy in the country would be chasing this list of banned sites. gigglesnort!

Erm – leaving aside the very sexist assumption that girls are never curious enough to look at porn – young people don’t need a list to find porn. Or weird sites.

They can do it whenever their parents fail to supervise them on the net. Or at school, when teachers leave the kids alone on the computers which already have filters on them. Installing a Filter and destroying freedom of speech and expression in this country, won’t change this fact.

So i suppose i’m going to have to stop masturbating again. I don’t want to be busted, i’m a cleanskin. It’s alright, i think i can take this celibacy gig. I still had a sore wrist from all the wanking last week, after the toaster porn went hardcore. Who knew a woman could do double entry toasters?

Latest from the fundamentalist Christians, a poster campaign warning of the dangers of masturbation. They decided to try to hitch a ride on the popularity of the Lolcats.

toaster porn claims another victim

For those who don’t speak Lolspeak -kittehz means cats – represented here by cutest kitten on planet.

“Oh, no,” sez kitteh, “more cats will die.
The cats beg you, don’t touch the toaster.”

How do i know lolspeak?
it’s not hard to learn – they have a how to

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

We can’t play naked Twister – we’ll get banned

Coming soon – an Internet Filter over the whole of Australia, (each ISP will be forced to filter your net access) to stop ALL nudity, violence, and anything faintly adult on the Australian net. You will be able to opt in to some adult content, but a lot will be banned completely, under laws against porn, violence, lawbreaking, or instructing/inciting someone to do these things – doesn’t matter if it’s real, it can be cartoons. So yeah, anime, hentai, and any RPG that misses a G rating will be banned. (See end of this blog post for breaking news on which sites are being banned already.)

Of course, by opting in to mild nudity, you will be outed as a pervert. Even if all you wanted to do was look at this blog. (Yeah, I think I’m probably adult – those trannies are going to up my score. Plus i’m going to cover sex with household appliances soon.) The government will be watching you. They’re probably watching me, i’ve written to my MP rather sarcastically.

Didn’t you know that – about being a paedophile from looking at adults having sex, or just being nude? No, neither did I, and with the amount of porn I’ve seen in the last ten years, you’d think I would have had some urges before now.

Let me perform a quick lobotomy before I snap and go down to the primary school. Wait, *stops sharpening the axe* something’s wrong with their theory. I still don’t even LIKE children. That doesn’t mean I want to abuse them, either – it means that I don’t want to be anywhere near them. A decade of hardcore porn, years of Family Guy, and I’m not a paedophile. I’m not abusive, depraved, or violent. Oops.

So much for religious theory on the causes of paedophilia and problems in society – and so much for the powers of nudity, whips and chains, Peter Griffin, and large object insertions. The latter, I only look at for a laugh. Seriously, they are so funny – a bunch of women with really elastic vag’s having a giggle as they compete to see who can fit a toaster up there.

Not plugged in, obviously, they’re not suicidal. And there’s a woman holding onto the toaster by the cord, to make sure it doesn’t get lost. You might see some bloke doing the same with a Hummer with a rope tied to it – men always do it bigger. Up to the hubcaps! None of this nancying about with toasters!

However, mustn’t harm the kidlets. Well, aside from the obvious, when we let people breed without any kind of check. Now call me crazy, but when it comes to drug addicts, I think their kids being alone on the comp are probably the least of those kids’ problems. At least, before the Filter, the kid will be able to look up Drug Crisis or Help Overdose without being arrested by the Feds. What do you mean, you’re not a drug addict, but you let your child be online unsupervised, (shut it in its bedroom, like so many I know) – are you fucking insane?

Don’t you know how easy it is to accidentally happen on really explicit pictures and content? *sicks up a bit at the memories* There’s stuff on there that’s damaging to adults, ffs. Especially when you’re surfing sans underpants, with Google’s Safesearch switched off. Which I told you all how to do in a previous post.

I’m 48, open about sex (yeah, you noticed, lol), with a quarter of a century of using computers behind me. I would never let a child use the net alone. Yet over and over again, parents ignore me, until i say let me show you what you can see. Now, ignoring your child’s moral danger, and letting it become sexualised, is child abuse. Sexualising means you’re grooming that child to be sexually interested and active, even when it is pre-pubescent.

As for the World Wide Web, your sexualised child is more likely to fall for a paedophile’s blandishments. (And you’re not watching, so how the fuck would you know?) No, I’m not joking at all. Sexualising is as bad as actually sexually or physically abusing your children.

The Filter is easy to get past – though you can’t speed your net back up, and you will of course be suddenly criminalised – but the Filter won’t help stop sexual content unless you do what you should be doing now – you keep an eye on your kids. If you’re doing that, i don’t need legal adult content banned on MY fucking net.

As for the fundamentalist Christians, so afraid of their own dark side, who think an adult just seeing anything Walt Disney would have banned will result in immediate and utter dissolution of their entire moral code, seriously, you’re pathetic. “Omg, honey, I just saw an ad for a vibrator, now I’ve given up God. I set fire to the old peoples’ home. I sold the children for medical experiments. And I’m leaving you for an anaconda. I’m not sorry at all!” *sound of a man sobbing as a woman’s stiletto heels click away*

How sad that their moral code is so shallow, ephemeral, and obviously meaningless to them. If it really meant something, they wouldn’t be so afraid some tits or a cartoon gun might make them go astray. Or that me looking at those things might affect them in some way.

sick sick sick

BE HEARD You can find out more, sign petitions, and send emails to the people who matter from these sites. It’s all set up, easy to do. http://somebodythinkofthechildren.com

http://www.getup.org

http://www.nocleanfeed.com

BREAKING NEWS>>> Just leaked – the government’s new banned sites list – the blacklist.