so, how big is your virtual penis?

I dropped in on the Bloggess’s blog – i want a Jenny doll that dispenses pills and vodka, is nearly raped by giraffes (that was a couple of months ago), screams at Victor, oh, yeah, and offers William Shatner a hooker *snigger*  – there’s a merchandising opportunity for someone.

WAIT! Don’t click that link, you’ll be gone for hours, read the rest of this one, then go enjoy the Bloggess.

She mentioned Robert Scoble (aka @Scobelizer) unfollowing people on Twitter. So, through Jenny, (as i then checked) i discovered Mr Scoble had unfollowed me – i was one of the 102,000. (This is me resisting the urge to scream SPARTA and attack Mr Scoble with a short sword.) He now only follows people he knows, fellow-geeks, and (powerful) people he admires. [note, i had to change the link after Mr Scoble removed the post - that link's on Mashable, and they also reference the post he removed.]

WAIT! Don’t click that link either, it’s not relevant. *takes the safety off the Hello Kitty Kalashnikov* Don’t make me shoot you before i give you the potted version.  Oh frick, i suppose you’re going to read it now.

It’s basically him saying omg how amazing, if you pay attention to who your followers on Twitter are, and don’t just follow back blindly, you have a better experience. Shock, horror! (Alright, so he has interesting bits on his blog you might like, i suppose you could look at it after you read The Bloggess.)

He followed TheBloggess back after a few hours. She’s both admirable and powerful (and should be getting megabucks *gives meaningful stare at those who have megabucks*), and he knows her in real life *sighs* triple whammy.

Anyway, i didn’t mind him unfollowing, it was silly of him to be following me, as we don’t talk; i’m not a geek (i am not! I haven’t programmed in a decade and i was never interested, I only did it because it was useful); i’m not famous or powerful, (yet); and anyway, i stopped following him back in about April. (I joined Twitter in mid March 09.)

We don’t actually have anything in common, aside from following @TheBloggess on Twitter. He’s a technological evangelist, I’m the Antichrist. Which probably means we do have things in common, but we haven’t figured that out yet. I’ve unfollowed people on Twitter only to discover months later that i really enjoy their tweets, and i refollow.

Interesting fact about Twitter that i learned from his blog – even with 1,000 people, you start losing tweets – that is, they don’t show up. I’ve noticed this at busy times (when the USA is online) with only 400 i’m following, and 500 followers.

Now, i don’t refollow automatically, (since the first time someone spammed me), and i block anyone who’s actually a spammer so they can’t follow me.

The ‘lost tweets’ do seem to show up later for me, but i don’t get that many @ replies in my tweetstream (check  out how many people are tweeting strange things @ someone famous – it’s scary) and most of my stream aren’t directed @ me. Still interesting that the more people, the less you’re able to actually communicate with them on Twitter.

Meanwhile, I’m thinking wow, he only just realised that being spammed on Twitter sucks. I was writing blogs on that months ago. We’re talking about a man who joined back in… ooh, was it 20 November 2006?

Evidently, when he was following 102,000 people or so, (he autofollowed everyone back), he kept getting spammed. As we’d say in Australia, “Dur, Fred.” (Means “I thought that was obvious.”)

He also got a lot of pure advertising on his main Twitter screen, (say it aint so! who knew?!) and since he unfollowed everyone, (then followed back who he actually wanted to follow – gosh, there’s a radical concept), he’s lost the advertising! And no-one is spamming his DM box!

Where’s the facepalm icon? Do you know anyone who facepalms in real life? I don’t. I am not sure I know how. WTF is a facepalm anyway? Excuse me while i consult the oracles. Oh, wait, i DO know what a facepalm is, we didn’t call it that before. (In real life, Mr Whatsit just facepalmed about something unrelated. Talk about life imitating art!)

Stop facepalming me!

Mind you, while you’re busy judging me for that blonde moment – there are 190 people commenting on this dude’s blog (though some also said their regional equivalent of  “Dur, Fred”).

Usually, not even 1 in 10 visitors comment, so the number of people reading him in a week is way more than my Beloved Visitors in total since March. *shines the Beloved Visitors and puts out the tea things* Yes, preciouses, you shall have crumpets with marmalade.

If i have ONE comment, i chuck a party! I get excited just knowing someone drops in EVERY day. Yes, you’re here looking for porn, but i don’t judge you! Actually, two people came here looking for “Malcolm Turnbull humour”and one for “bloody hello kitty” and there have been – as i predicted in previous posts – some lost ornithologists.

Porn visitors are still my main accidental market. *sighs* It’s the net, i really shouldn’t expect much more. Note the desperate, misspelled “real sex doll” hunters are out in force, but i do well from mentioning native animals – this is what Search Engine Optimisation experts don’t tell you – budgies are good for hits.

Feel i should add, i didn’t deliberately do this, it’s like the eunuchs, i was just expressing myself, said ‘penectomy’, and i’m suddenly picking up the nullification and castration market.

However, Beloved Visitor numbers are pleasing Her Majesty, as for no reason we can discern (you don’t always laugh at the bits we find hysterical), people are visiting – between 5-30 a day. We do better when we procrastinate on the book and play on Twitter, or if we can spare time to do blog posts and remember to promote them.

Mind you, many of Robert Scoble’s Beloved Visitors (or the Bloggess’s) who do comment are trying to promote their own websites, and it’s interesting watching all the schmoozing going on. But i’m left thinking, well, good thing this Scoble bloke can run a website, or he’d be screwed, cos in the real world, he’s a bigger blonde than i am. (If that hair’s natural, i think he is, literally.)

Businessweek.com pic of Robert Scoble (copyright Thomas Hawk)

Mr Scoble is an authority – evidently, *consults oracles again, using “robert scoble, authority, social media”* AND he was someone famous before last year. I had forgotten that last year even existed!

Now, ‘Technical Evangelist’ sounds like something made up, right? But no, they paid him, and all because he invented computers, the web, technical evangelism, worked for  Microsoft and dared to criticise them, and was head wrangler on the 9-MSN website.

But he didn’t know spam was boring shite something you’re better off without? Well, there you go. Explains a lot about the 9-MSN website, and about Microsoft.

I’ve blogged before about most people who are held up as authorities, or say they understand social media – don’t mean to include the Scobelizer in that, btw, he deserves credit for shanking Microsoft from within, for learning about his field (Twitter really is a better experience if you manage your followers), and for being like normal people, in putting off cleaning out his Twitter Followers.

I  respect procrastination, that’s a sign you’re not Tony Robbins , or someone suckered by the ‘everyone, get rich!’ bollocks of the multi-level marketers, with the sub-text of ‘if you’re not rich, it’s your fault’. (Subtext from me: do not punch the fucking air again, or i will kill you)

You may even deserve kudos for just getting out of bed in the morning. (The Scobelizer procrastinated so long, he had to get someone to write a program to delete that many. *suitably awed*)

Hopefully, he’s learned size isn’t everything. Size isn’t even that important – as any woman will tell you, it’s how you use what you’re blessed with that matters.

Men nearly always translate this into keeping their Followers up for hours.

Women usually mean oral sex, kissing, and good touching.
Nothing to do with Twitter at all.

********************

Feel i should mention, the above is mostly complete bullshit,
and meant as humour. Or even humor.

Follow Robert (Scobelizer) Scoble on Twitter
Follow @TheBloggess on Twitter
Follow @WilliamShatner on Twitter

Follow the war against William Shatner by TheBloggess’s followers,
(even crazier than she is, and yes, i’m proud to be one),
after he blocked her on Twitter, on her blog link at the very top of the page
or at the Twitter trend #UnblockTheBloggess

His side of it? He has a side? I think he just thought she was nuts.

[note: eventually, he unblocked her and the army could go home, or at least stop tweeting]

********************
Follow me on Twitter @stinginthetail

The rules are simple.
Laugh at my jokes, or die.

I’m actually very nice, seriously – my tweets are unlocked, you’ll see most of them are happy inoffensive poems about dwarves and fairies having race wars.

But don’t mention marketing opportunities or ways to whiten my Followers’ teeth, because i will block you before you can say “Make $$$ – ask me how!”

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

zomg, don’t look, dead man humping

The net is a strange place. On Twitter, I said that horsesex is a bit like the Spanish Inquisition. It made sense in the conversation i was having. I meant in the sense that one doesn’t expect it, but on Google, sadly, it’s become the norm to search for something like pink lipstick and end up with a woman and a doberman.

I’d landed on a wiki page (i’m not sure what part of the whole wiki thing i was in, i just remember seeing “wiki” – i know that it saying wiki did not mean it was Wikipedia) that contained a movie of a man trying to do it with a horse (or rather, letting the horse do him), and succeeding.

The text mentioned that the short movie i was watching (with my mouth hanging open, i might add, i was stunned), was the adventures of a man quite famous in animal porn circles. (No, i’m not posting a link to illegal things. If you can’t use Google, you don’t deserve your own illegal things, besides, i got freaked and cleaned my computer after that.)

He’d managed to make this movie into a kind of snuff film too, by getting so severely injured internally that he died later (so i read). I wasn’t thinking it was a hot movie, but i’d been impressed purely that he was actually doing it with a horse. However, that bit of news took all the lustre off it. I keep telling you, some things are supposed to stay fantasies.

Okay, so that particular bit of the net, i’d rather not have slithered into, but generally I love the serendipity, the happy chances that drive my searches off into wild and wonderful places. On the other hand, for those who hate vagueness, and weird connections, there’s a new thing.

Wolfram Alpha is not a new wolf porn site, but instead a new kind of search engine that actually calculates results for you, does graphs, has algorithms, and doesn’t show you horsesex when you’re looking for politics.

For instance, if you type your first name into Wolfram Alpha, (at least this happened to me), it will assume it’s a name, then tell you how popular the name is, and show you (among other graphs and charts and scientific links) a graph of popularity of that name over the last 100 years or so.

Unlike Google, which will usually give you meanings for that name, porn stars with that name, bloggers with that name, highschool kids on MySpace with that name, and so on, Wolfram Alpha gives you bare facts. It doesn’t tell  you how the name derives, for instance, but how many people were named it last year. It’s supposed to be curated data – checked by people.

Wolfram Alpha falls over pretty fast at the moment, or is very ethnocentric – i can flummox it by typing in Western Australia or Population of Western Australia, and it gives me data for Western USA.  Here’s the creator’s blog about how, why and what.

I typed in Australia, and got the population of Western Australia eventually, (my home state), but it’s a tad user-hostile to my mind. Very nice streamlined-looking pages. However, i don’t know where they’re getting this supposedly-curated data, because I know Wolfram Alpha is wrong when it says literacy is at 99% in Australia.

As in the rest of the Western World (USA, Europe) – it’s around 75% for basic literacy and numeracy, (can read road signs, simple menus, and count to 100). One in four can’t read or do very basic arithmetic. Only about 50% of people can actually read well enough to understand a novel or a long blog post, or have the numerical skills to sort out their credit card or bank statement. Those are some shocking statistics.

Anyway, so despite the slickness, am not so far impressed with Wolfram Alpha – and its pretence at being the only answer or result, and the correct one, is downright misleading. It sited Canberra (Australia’s capital) some distance to the east of where it is, though that may be the fault of Google Earth which it was linked to.

Google Earth is rather notorious for not putting things where they should be, but it’s a good basic aerial map – though if you want accuracy and directions, I use Whereis.com but take into account (at least locally), that if they say 35 minutes travelling time, it will be closer to 40-45.

There are a few things that have come up with Twitter lately – things i knew, that other people didn’t. For instance, in this example, me typing to asilannax (who i’m just using in this example, not because she was someone i gave a tip to) about Gene Simmonds of Kiss….

stinginthetail @asilannax did you see him on the rock school programs? he comes across as really good at his craft
less than a minute ago from web in reply to asilannax

See the In Reply To Asilannax link? That means you can click on it and see what she typed that i replied to. Then you can click if she replied to me and see what i said. Yes, it’s basic, but took me a little while to find it, and several people i’ve spoken to didn’t know about that function.

In similar spirit, something else people don’t always realise – instead of automatically following back people who follow you, click on their name and look at their Profile Page. It shows you their Tweets too. So you can tell usually if they’re someone that you’d like to follow, just by what you read. Means you don’t have lots of marketers in your list.

Tip with marketers (or anyone else filling your screen with what you don’t want to see) – just Unfollow them. On their Profile Page (click on their name) under their Picture is a link to Follow or Unfollow – unfollowing takes 2 clicks to accomplish. There are many intersecting worlds on Twitter – there are people playing quiz games, talking about what’s on TV, or what’s in the news. If any of them really aren’t your thing, just Unfollow.

Same with anyone who sends you Direct Messages (DM’s, Twitter’s version of the Private Message), that are just trying to spam you, or send you to their marketing website. Once you stop following them, they can no longer DM you.

Not all spammers are nasty evil creatures at first glance – some are quite chatty and charming – it’s how they manage to get under people’s guards and onto their Twitter lists, then charge them for attending conferences and seminars on the new media and wealth-creation or how to get traffic to your website.

Yes, you too can make money, by suckering getting other people to buy the marketing guru websites, like the guy a step above you did to you. Me, i prefer to make friends (and Valuable Acquaintances) instead. I’ve been making friends on the net (then meeting them in real life) for over a decade – i know others who’ve been doing it for over 20 years. Twitter’s just a new method, before Twitter there were chat rooms and instant messengers.

One thing – maybe a difference due to age (am 48) – i don’t consider people i know on the net ‘real friends’ until we meet in real life. Until then, no matter how much i like them, i’m aware that they may be misrepresenting themselves. Like i said, i’ve been meeting people in real life for over a decade – weirdly, some people lie a lot. I’m better than i used to be at picking the really fake ones, but i still get fooled sometimes.

It’s always a relief when i meet someone in real life who’s pretty much as they are online – nothing worse than a ‘life of the net-party’ person who turns out to be so shy they don’t speak, or is so different from who they pretend to be online it’s hard to see it’s the same person. Like they’re shorter and heavier than they said, and a redhead not blonde, wearing a wedding ring when they said single, and so on. The online pic might be them, 10 years ago.

I am who i am in real life. Yep, bossy, loud-mouthed, (or if i was a man, i’d be assertive, lol), and with a tendency to know the answer. (And not too proud to Google when i don’t.) It’s funny, but i’ve been abused for knowing the answers to questions – the ignorant and the stupid really are the ignorant and the stupid.

Being the Queen of Darkness – which is not a hereditary post, i have to work for it – isn’t all beer and skittles. I have to listen to my subjects – Mr Whatsit gets cranky if i don’t pay attention to him at least once a day.

Other Twitter tips? We all know that if you’re quoting a Tweet you put RT @personsname, right? Just checking, as i’ve seen a number of what looked like attempts to ReTweet that made it look as if a person was typing a reply, not quoting. So if i say “sod off” and you RT that, it’s

RT @stinginthetail sod off.

That also means, if i say RT @username what is the weather like in Rio? that means @username wants to know – i don’t. So don’t send the info just to me, or i’ll have to RT it on your behalf to the person who asked.

With some Twitter clients, you’ll see (via @username) when someone’s quoting another person – which is the rather stupid way it shows RT’s – stupid because there’s an accepted format, and it’s not sticking to it.

The changes to Twitter mean that unless you’re following whoever i’m typing to – when i put @ on the front of the post – you don’t see that post unless you click on my name to see all my posts.

I sometimes put a character in front of the @ (like .@) if i want all following me to see it, if a conversation i’m having involves several. Don’t do it all the time – people who preferred the old option to not see all posts will unfollow you.

If you want to see if anyone’s replied to a question, perhaps it’s been there for 30 minutes, and you know the answer, but don’t know if it’s been answered, click on the name to see if they’ve perhaps answered someone that you can’t see. Alternatively use the Search on the right of the Twitter home page. Paste the person’s name in, click Search, and you’ll see all @replies to them.

Yes, basic stuff, but I keep running into people who haven’t figured them out. Not all of them were apparent to me when i first started using Twitter. It’s like any program, some people find functions, others don’t.

Once people figure out the basics, many stop learning how to use the program, or they misunderstand what commands do. And most are still convinced that somewhere on the keyboard there’s a button that starts the computer’s Self-Destruct sequence.

I’m getting used to Twitter’s changes, and can see the advantages, but i still like to see all the tweets of people i follow – i follow them because i’m happy to put up with all they say, even if some of it is not of interest to me. I only follow people i can stand reading. Gosh, i’ve rambled on a bit, time to prune this post and wind it down.

A last thought on Wolfram Alpha – if i hadn’t Googled “funny fascist” and ended up on Jenny The Bloggess’s blog, (she was calling her vet a fascist) my world would have missed a lot of what’s made me laugh hard in the last six months or so. I also wouldn’t have been sure that i’d be alright out on the net, and might have instead stayed blogging only on a site where everyone was supposed to be adult.

It would also have taken me longer to join Twitter, which i basically joined so i could read more of The Bloggess. Yes, i too am a sad stalker, but everyone on Twitter is – the one thing we all have in common.

I love how Twitter and Google bring the chance of synchronicity (meaningful coincidence) – showing us what we need to see, instead of what perhaps we were looking for.

Though i do wish Google had a more filtered search option than just Safe Search On or Safesearch Off. Sometimes it would be nice to put
“no snuff films, pls, Google, kthxbai.”

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

i am planning to invade the north…

I’ve decided to invade Queensland. Screw New South Wales, the humidity, and the pollution… wait, i’m looking at my Dashboard here on the blog, and so I’m distracted. Someone found me by looking for “waffle possum” – my post must have been a shock.

Someone else discovered that “funny budgie” meant a pic of a cute one just before he exploded. It’s the way of the web. You go looking for something, and end up lost on a site somewhere else. Quite likely, you end up slightly shocked.

It was a mistake to look at my stats again. With the giant peak at 162 when i got my mention for the social media post, (2 posts ago i think) my viewing figures are fluctuating wildly – lows of 12-14 -  25ish as an average.

Twenty-five a day’s pretty good seeing the blog’s still new (nearly 2 months old), and i’m not really doing much to promote it, or trying to be fashionable. I blog about what i feel like. I hang out on Twitter and be myself. Well, heavily censored, obviously. I’m twitchy about lawsuits. In real life i’m more bitchy about celebs.

Anyway, my Beloved Visitor numbers are climbing nicely overall, if you ignore the spike. I get a steady click through from Twitter from people coming here. People find me through Google. *waves to today’s random visitor* Then there is the one person a week, on average, who found this site while looking for nipples.

Many more found this blog while looking for masturbation. Yes, i talk about masturbation quite often. Orgasm is good for us, mind, body, and soul. I think denial leads to crankiness of the kind that evening primrose and chocolate won’t fix. We’re talking deep-seated crankiness.

Enough about sex, we’re talking about my blog, *sets ego to stun* and how people get here. The point is – if one looks at my blog stats since i started here back in mid-March – i get hits from pretty much every time i comment on someone else’s blog.

Do you blog? If so, you know what happens with comments. Nobody leaves enough of the damn things. I’m really bad at commenting, i quite often formulate careful replies, only to realise i’m way off-topic, and to post would be the worst kind of blog-hijacking.

Like putting an ad for yourself in someone else’s comments. Which you do by commenting, but I’m uneasy about leaving blog links other than the one at the top of the comment form. To me – someone saying, oh yes, i did a blog on that, here’s a link to it – well, it’s pushy. I know it’s fashionable to be pushy, but it’s really not my style.

Blogs that i laughed over so much that i forgot to post comments on in the last couple of days include TheBloggess - who now has a sex column – which is just fabulous. She tackles clown porn, as only she can. Another was a new discovery she recommended, Tree Lobsters. It’s incredibly good.

Oh – and there’s something about a new blog that was recommended on Twitter. Something deeply disturbing.

As i said at the beginning, I have decided to move to Queensland. Deciding this has been sapping, actually. However realising that the black stuff i’m cleaning out of the computers is a mix of pollution and coal dust (there is a power station a couple of miles away, and mines there), decided me.

I’m breathing this shit. We’re in the path of the southerly winds from Sydney, and probably on a windy day, it’s more polluted here than it is in the CBD. I said to Mr Whatsit, i want to move away from here, and we both said Queensland? He’s from there, it’s going home for him. I’ve lived there for years at a time, i like the place.

In other news:

I’ve seen too many really ugly butt cracks, and i can’t take it any more. Besides, the local shopping centre isn’t the place to display your arse cleavage.

The temptation to pour a drink down them is overwhelming.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

the many faces of the Twitterverse

I wrote this.

the sky is black, watching people run to escape the rain come howling over the lake, only dandelions still dancing out there

Sometimes on Twitter, someone says something beautiful. My thanks to @cataractmoon for telling me he liked it, which prompted me to read it over, and realise i liked it too.

Me, i’ve been calm, reading detective fiction. I’ll be the cool protagonist, at least i will when the hero is cool. And funny too. Most things i like – and men i like – are funny.

That’s what books are for. Lovely escapist stuff, whether heavy or light. I become the hero or anti-hero or the chick being chased by the Mob, just for a while.Or i lose myself in other ways, distracted from the world.

Instead of having to take crap from people, i shoot them in the head. Or when feeling evil, both feet. Or run them over with a tank. *happy thoughts*

The big news on Twitter has been @aplusk (Ashton Kutcher) hitting a million followers, *sound of gagging* and people trying to make out the new social media has triumphed. Perhaps that should be Twiumphed. It is a twiumph for young Ashton, although he did say it was for all his followers – however, he doesn’t follow back.

The Queen of Darkness points out that she could get a million followers just by saying keywords like sex and marketing – he had to beg and do webcasts. And get Oprah to use Twitter. (Her staff had the account ready – there are a lot of wannabe Oprah’s on Twitter already who would have grabbed @oprah if they could.)

Oprah’s perfectly suited to the overhyped world of the multi level marketer salespeople who infest Twitter - make money, ask me how! find god, ask me how! retire early, ask me how! lose weight, ask me how!

The supposed people’s movement came out sounding very orchestrated, and people on Twitter, as people online do enjoy doing, began to rebel. @TheBloggess (read her very funny blog here) posted

I just preemptively blocked @Oprah.

So I did too – hey, I’m easily led, and did think it was an excellent idea. And brothers and sisters, i must confess – it felt good. We were taking back Twitter from the celebs. Of course, it being the weekend, things went downhill from there.

Someone (allegedly Australian, no, it wasn’t me) started the #fistingoprah trend which did well for about 24 hours. It led to comments like this one – from me…

i’m thinking, if we want to get serious we’re going to need industrial quantities of lube – oh, and a winch #fistingoprah

Then @Dewayne1A said,

How much would you need and should i remove my watch first? learning to #fistingoprah

I include his post to prove that it wasn’t just me. I replied,

depends how much she fights you – and if you go for anal #fistingoprah

There were screams of horror. And of course, the one that got retweeted was this one below – when i was at my most flippant, suggesting ways of making the #fistingoprah hashtag movement go viral.

anal #fistingoprah might have more resonance – let’s face it, most ppl here are men lkg 4 backdoor action

I wasn’t even drinking. I scared some folks. The idea of backdoor Oprah freaked them out badly. We’re talking possible lawsuits for mental trauma. Hey, if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of Her Majesty’s Tweetstream.

Boy, was i glad i got the whole “following Ashton Kutcher” thing out of my system last week! People trying to unfollow him can’t do it – Twitter is broken just for him (you can unfollow anyone except Ashton) – so maybe he doesn’t have that many followers.

People got excited over Oprah – was like Jesus was visiting. Someone said that Oprah said, “Gayle, go get me a Twinkie.” However, when i went to check the wording, her first post was

HI TWITTERS . THANK YOU FOR A WARM WELCOME. FEELING REALLY 21st CENTURY .

All in caps, huh?  What a noob. I have been on Twitter since… about mid-March? Yep, March 14th i think. I’m old in the Twitterverse. Four weeks! (I have however been online for over a decade.)

I did some research – other people on the web say Oprah’s first tweet was indeed  “Gayle go get me a twinkie.”

Hmm, has history been rewritten? Well, no – you see, it’s not Oprah saying it. When it’s a quote, it’s @Oprah.  @1938media were making a joke.

Me, i liked “Gayle, go get me a twinkie.” I reckon Oprah should have gone for that.

I’d quite like my first tweet as world ruler to be something intimate, let people think they know the real me. I even liked the intertextuality of it. I loved how it gave a wee nod to this famous lolcat.

from http://icanhascheezburger.com

Anal fisting, poetry, a lolcat, and celebrity gossip. Damn, i spoil you all.

I’ve had so much fun #fistingoprah, i’m not sure what could top it.  The voices-outside-my-head say not to worry, but the voices-inside-my-head are trying to shoot me with the tranquiliser gun.

Nobody panic.

*********

As this blog is posted, these are the hottest #topics on Twitter – this afternoon, #herebeforeoprah was top – a less invasive version of #fistingoprah – then the Formula One came on, (Chinese Grand Prix), and people began to focus on the important things. #asot400 is part of a 72 hour trance music festival, and Susan Boyle is a newly-discovered singer.

#f1, #asot400, Susan Boyle, Red Bull,

#herebeforeoprah, Player Snapshot, Webber, Ferrari, Coachella, Goodnight

The Twitterverse united by sport and music – and a love for Twitter.
It’s quite sweet, really.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

in which i rediscover the calm centre of my soul

Real life is suffering, I’m running out of time – already, housework and cooking are taking a back seat to Twitter and Stumbleupon. Working on my book has ceased. Well, i open it up, have it there, on my desktop, while i happily Stumble around the net. Sometimes, i post my finds on Twitter. In only 24 hours, i’ve become a complete addict. Now i understand this picture i saw a few months back.

Oh crap, i just stopped then, to do a quick Stumble. *sighs* This is how most revolutions end, you know, someone gets addicted to something, even if it’s just their own self-importance. On the bright side, i found some very nice Twitter backgrounds for free with step by step instructions for those who need them.

first, iron your frog flat, add some glitter and purple - pretty!

I think i’m going to have to take Stumbleupon off my browser, one click is too close. Oh phew! I did it – i am safe. I officially love StumbleUpon – but for your own sake, go to View, Toolbars, and click the Stumble Toolbar off. You can always get it out again when you want to, instead of compulsively clicking over and over.

I’ve had to put my life on hold, with having to move (my house has mould and is trying to kill me), and it’s hard to keep working creatively when my brain is so focused on the future and how completely crappy rentals are. So easy to get sucked into timesinks, when i should be doing something creative.

Least, that’s my current excuse, lol. I am losing patience with some things. Like myself. Zen and the Art of World Domination™ is all about being in the moment, and i’m definitely living ahead. Time to regroup a little. So i had a bit of a play on Twitter.  I said “my badges are better than your badges” to Guy Kawasaki and sent him the one below.

my Twitter Followers' badge design

And to the man in charge of news.com.au, (who i was following, all unbeknownst), i said,  “oh? you’re a minion of darkness trust me to find one.” The voices (outside my head) assure me that this is how one influences people and makes friends.

Someone said that Facebook made them dependent on alcohol, which made me want to laugh loudly, so i replied “Facebook ate my baby” and then stopped Following him when he didn’t laugh back.

Note, i didn’t swear once. I’m being ever so good, really. I have been reading Machiavelli – a potted version perfect for the despot on the go. They even have a really short summary of the edited version, for the dictator with only a moment to spare.

Where else, but at the Squashed Philosophers? *does quick shimmy* oh yes. As they say, “Few of the greats of philosophy have had proper jobs” but Marcus Aurelius was an emperor. See, i’m back in the now, planning evil and taking over the world. *happy sigh*

Milestones this week included someone famous tweeting back at me, (and a few people i really admired tweeted back too, and me being me, i got all overcome at all of them, and had to go eat chocolate), and having a couple of my posts retweeted.  *tries to sound casual* Jenny the Bloggess is following me back. (I needed wine when i saw her in my Follower list, and it was only nine in the morning.) I’m trying to be casual just in case she stops, and i have to admit it.

Oh! Oh! And the lovely cameronreilly is either humoring me or he liked my jokes, because he gave me a #followfriday. Every Friday, everyone makes lists of people they like, and says “#followfriday @user” and people do.

I did a #followfriday too, earlier, and was about to do another with Cameron Reilly in it,  when he did me. Omg, what’s the Twittiquette? Do i #followfriday again, with him, or will i look sucky?

Twitter is fraught. Seriously. But yes, it’s fun. Seriously. And unbelievably useful in unexpected ways. This is going to make me sound like a true believer – and you know, we deities don’t have to believe, we just are – but blogging and starting Twitter has reminded me of all the reasons i enjoy the Internet.

Serendipitous connections leading to laughter, for one.

Excuse me, i have people to tweet about. And i got my act together, and did a roast chicken dinner, which is nearly ready, yay!

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Saved by the Amish

All day i’ve been bleeding Followers on Twitter – even all the MLM people adding me isn’t helping. Down to 113 Followers from 118. *sobs* Yes, the conservatives read my blog, realised they were following the Queen of Darkness and unfollowed me. For a while, i was so traumatised, that I even contemplated following the MLM people back, just so they wouldn’t leave.

Sure, i’m an agent for evil seeking world domination, but you could have followed me on Twitter, i don’t make anything explode there.  You’re in much more danger in here. *incinerates a pretty white dove just for kicks*

Goddamnit, i gave you badges. I taught you how to kill armed only with a pair of high heels. So i was blasphemous (probably) by making jokes about the Antichrist – but someone’s got to do it. I would have let you ride on the tank.

Well, I would if Reg (the Mechanic of Doom) ever figures out how to fix the tracks. It was a posse of old age pensioners, outside the chemist. I’m simply spitting over it. Reg thinks they might have bent the tracks with their titanium joints. It’d only been out of the shop a day.

Still, i reckon the old folk didn’t feel a thing – once i’d knocked them down they were out cold before the track went over. I did apologise, to their spirits, and helpfully shone the tank’s headlights in the direction of the Light. I keep telling you, i’m really a very nice person.

Anyway, so after my ruthless clearout of MLM people the other day, i couldn’t keep going with only Ericasfish and TheBloggess. I needed more to read on Twitter, so i went adding to those i Follow -  and naturally, i’ve found heaps of interesting Tweeple. And omg omg – i found the HotAmishChick. She’s got a pony that likes junk food. I’ve added 50 people i liked.

Oh – i have bowed to peer pressure – evidently ‘bastard‘ is such an offensive word (to some non-Australian people) that i was making eyeballs explode, (so a non-Aussie friend put it) although they’d be alright “once they got over the shock” of me. Strangely reassured, i rejigged the header and blogname here, so people could link to it without being embarrassed by sudden blindness.

Eyeballs exploding all over an office cubicle are, i’m told, very embarrassing. I’m allowed to say ‘fuck’ once you start reading, but no swearing til your eyeballs are safely inside the blog post itself. *looks guilty*

Humans, I forget how easily shocked they are. Mr B isn’t easily shocked. He can’t be Mr B-word any more, seeing i’m not Ms B-word – he’s going to need to be renamed. I think i’m going to do a Scarlett O’Hara on that one, and think about it tomorrow.

I was trying to explain Twitter to a friend who understands chat rooms and instant messagers, and said it was like a giant chat room where there was a big get-together going on – and you couldn’t hear everyone, but you could eavesdrop if you moved around, and say things to people, some of them quite famous – they might ignore you, even the not-very-famous-at-all. Or, as happened to me, they might talk back! I’ve been ignored – in a pleasant way – by lots of people so far, so one talking back was a shock.

oh *has fuzzy moment* i just hit 121 Followers on Twitter. *sheds a tear* Now if i can just get some of them to read the blog and not be frightened. Oh – i know.

*leaves snacks and chocolate*

And i was just looking at Twitter, and something happened, something legendary. Yes, the Fail Whale appeared to me.

yes, it's time to go to bed

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Blogging in the dark…

…is where I’m at. You know, that point on a blog where nobody’s watching. Well, i think it’s four people in the whole world, all of whom know me from another site. I am pretty much nattering away to myself, changing header and page style three times a day, (as I discover new bits of the site – fantastic support pages here).

I found the Preview Button at last! And the Save Draft one.  I don’t want my typos on Google. Oh, the shame! I found my comments too, mainly because the site helpfully sent me an email with a link – but now i know where they are. I’m still not good at finding anyone else’s blog unless i already know the name, and haven’t found a good ‘by blogname’ search function, but I’ve found the link to the BlogsOfTheDay and GrowingBlogs. There are some lovely blogs around. And of course, then there’s a new favourite, TackyWeddings.

I actually ended up here because of Jenny the Bloggess. When i saw her blog, while looking for a funny pic of a fascist – they were thin on the ground – but Google offered funny racist as an alternative, and a link to a category on Jenny’s blog called Her Cat’s Toes, which was pretty irresistible. It turns out her vet was kinda racist, in a weird way and I just laughed and laughed.

The minute I had my breath back, I realised my kind of writing didn’t have to stay on an adult site just because i say fuck swear – after all, i’m really not interested in titillating anyone. If people don’t mind Jenny, it’s cool, i can come outside – I’m nowhere near as outrageous as her. Anyone who complains about me  – well, I’ll just say, for heaven’s sake, am I blogging about giant labia? (Give me time, lol.)

Using Humor or even Humour as a search term for good blogs doesn’t seem to work as well as a serendipitous click on Jenny’s blog. What other people think is funny doesn’t do for me. I think it’s internet delusion time. You saying you’re beautiful/very good looking/funny/well-hung will not make you so. Trolls saying it doesn’t do it either.

On the other hand, me saying it, like “I’m hawt, literate, trilingual*, and moderately amusing”,  does make it so. Yes, this is the marvel that is Stinginthetail Fascism® – welcome to my blog. World domination? Pfft. I’ll settle for a new rental house without mould.

come, let me tell you what to do

I not actually that autocratic in real life – i just shoot all who disagree allow dissent. *smiles beatifically* I like to make people think, too. (You will think, we haff wayz of making you think!)

If any labia were harmed during the making of this blog, *looks innocent* I’m pretty sure it’s Jenny’s fault.

*trilingual – i am reasonably fluent in UK, US, and Australian English.

Original pic was from oldamericancentury.org
then i changed it
so it’s mine

Oh YES, I just figured out how to stop it double-spacing
every time I hit Enter. It’s Shift-Enter – same as Word.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com