Will you stand in the band…

Make yourself a coffee, i couldn’t keep this one short. Oh – and there’s a quite scary pic – no, not the Hello Kitty Kalashnikov – worse!

Okay? I’m officially freaked out – what’s with all the Christians? *looks around nervously for the nails, hammers, and waiting tree* Me talking about religion does not make me a Christian site. *sounds of Her Majesty choking on the morning cappuccino* Even my junk mail is coming from places like christiansingles.

Oh yeah, uber-freakout time – most of my morning additions to my Twitter Follower list are Christians. Am beginning to suspect that MLM people think if they say Christian you can’t see the bit that says ‘I have no morals. Make $$$ ask me how’ right next to it.

Oops, did i just show bigotry? Heavens above. Yes, i am prejudiced against several groups. Fucktards, idiots, religious fundamentalists, and MLM people. That’s bigotry for you – unreasoning dislike/hatred of a group. Wait, mine’s not unreasoning, ergo, it can’t be bigotry. *smiles* Oops, note to self: do not use Latin, it’s attracting the wrong crowd.

Anyway – this is some of my morning Tweeple haul “Husband , Father,Christian, Conservative Republican, Tech Geek”. (In my last post i admitted to being an anarchist communist Antichrist, from memory.) He got a message about the major typo in the header of his latest blog post, (how freaking Christian of me), as i do check, blogs and websites, before i add anyone now.

I didn’t follow him back – if i get a reply that seems to show a real human being as opposed to a bunch of nouns, I’ll consider it. Besides, i find it hard to believe if he’d even glanced at my blog he’d think to add me.

these for my troopers, or the my little pony carbine?

If we have nothing in common, (despite my wide range of expertise and interests) – and they don’t give good Tweets (and i don’t mean rehashed versions of what everyone else is Tweeting), then i don’t Follow back. “Internet Marketing Social Media Advertising Public Relations Strategy Search Engine Optimization.” Honestly – what is this dude going to say to me?

“G’day Your Majesty, let’s see about PR for your invasion of the stretch of coast between here and Newcastle.” I would crack him smartly with a riding crop, (I do ride, it’s not just an affectation), and say,

“FFS, we don’t need no steenking PR – anyone who doesn’t like me gets shot. Once the clips turn up on YouTube, most people will decide loving me is heaps better than the alternatives.”

“Had you thought about television ads?”

*sound of a body hitting the floor*

I wouldn’t waste bullets, this is what stilettos are for. The daggers, not the shoes. Though you could probably use a shoe, in a pinch. Yes, everyone, rise  up, and take off your shoes!

Don’t these people know anything about absolute monarchs? Next gem… website is all high tech marketing, posts could have been written by a monkey who mastered cut and paste. So no, i won’t Follow you back.

Salespeople think we can’t tell – well, some of us dabbled in many Dark Arts. And here’s where you go wrong. You can’t keep it up – eventually, mate, your insincerity stands out like roos’ balls.

How about this? “Marketing [blah blah blah] …create a positive cash f “. Yes, a positive cash f - just what i’ve always wanted! A positive cash fuckup? Flipper? Fairy? Ooh – a positive cash fairy! Hang on, i have to email!

make $$$ - ask me how!

Omg, it was actually the MLM troll. *spits cappuccino on the screen*

Why don’t people read over their own work? It’s extremely unprofessional when your spiel is truncated. And for you not to notice? Oh puh-leeze, impress someone else with your lack of basic business skills.

Not everyone is a potential customer, idiot.  “social and viral marketing is my passion” oh gee, i wonder if i’ll add him?

I did add a guy who’s a blog coach, but he seemed human. All the vocations people have today, it’s like a smorgasbord.

I started in sales. Oh, the horror. I have morals, you know – i can’t lie through my teeth to make a sale. Weird, how life turns out. Now that training helps me in the Twitterverse. Oh hey, i got one who’s a founder of a charity – they help poor children.

I’m just putting my hair in pigtails, the webcam in soft focus, and I’m off to pitch him. “Pwease, mithter, *snarls* your money or your life!” Oops, no, that will never do. Must tone it down. Perhaps just, “I’m the Queen of Darkness, *bright smile and let him see the Hello Kitty Kalashnikov under the coat *hand over the cash, and I’ll put a good word in with Dad.”

Simple is always best. I’ll Follow him back, give him a badge, maybe put a minion on him – to tail him and get his PIN numbers.

Oh – i did get Warlach this morning. (He’s human, and got Followed back.) On his blog, he’s playing one of those games (all automatic but you need to assemble your album cover in Photoshop or something) – generating a random band name, first album, and album cover. There are some amazing ‘first albums’ on his site – go see. This is mine.

i want to hear it

While prepping this blog, I came across an article on how you should always follow back on Twitter, and was getting quite humpy disagreeing over it. Then he said, “You shouldn’t follow everyone, just your human followers… Twitter is rife with spammers, PR junk, and companies that follow you in the hope that you will follow them back. Don’t follow them.”

And i thought, oh, yes, exactly.

******

Title of this blog is from “Soldier Laddie“,  a song my (ex-Duntroon) Dad used to play at me when i was a kid. (Duntroon’s our version of West Point.)

Will ye stand in the band like a true Irish man,
For we go to fight the forces of the Crown

Irish Rebel songs, a good musical upbringing for your benevolent Aussie despot. There will be singing, and electric guitars. Sheila Bastard gets to sing lead – no other reason than she wants to.

Life’s not fair, but I’m holding the Hello Kitty Kalashnikov.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

i’m so sorry, you’re on the Blog of Doom

Strange searches you folk use… “argh kill me” brought you to my site, eh?  I’m not sure whether to be flattered. *walks too close to a child and watches as it self-combusts* oops.

Seriously, your last chance? If i can’t make you laugh, you’re doomed? Jeez, that’s a heavy responsibility. Had you considered therapy instead? I mean, yes, i make jokes, but what happens if you don’t happen to think say, that three is funny? (Mel Brooks says so.)

I can barely work my own blog, and you come here hoping for redemption? Or are you hoping for a quick end? *hones the Gleaming Instruments of Death* I’ve got some time this morning?

That’s it, people are coming here to die... like elephants. I thought you were laughing, but there’s a pile of virtual bones just outside, where the web-vultures have been through your carcasses. I had no idea! It must be the dangerous mould in the house, it’s in the blog. It’s toxic, you know – try living with it.

Maybe that’s a way to get the owner of the house back for the mould – i could just send a link, say casually, hey, have a laugh on me. And then i could gloat, as they come in, look around, and drop dead.

Welcome, I’d say, in my best Queen of Darkness voice, (don’t you have one?), to the Blog of Doom! *sound of cackling* I’d add, that this is what happens, when you don’t look after your tenants, despite them being nice people who always pay their rent on time.

Queen of Darkness? Oh – another nickname like Sheila Bastard. It’s one i gave myself – quite by accident. I was saying that so many who profess to be on the side of Light are bitter bigots.

If that’s Light, i said, I’m the Queen of Darkness. Next thing i knew, the boys in the band were calling me Your Majesty and, when they wanted to be annoying, Queenie. *shudders*  So i wrote a song about it.

laugh at my jokes, or die

Anyway, if this blog kills you, I can’t take any responsibility – it’s the landlord and the owner’s fault, you see. Oh – and that’s not me admitting to being the Antichrist there. Just in case someone tries to pin that on me. I am not the Antichrist. *phoomph sound as a budgie who gave me a dirty look explodes*

Well, i may be the Antichrist, (all unwitting over my own Fate), but the world domination thing is purely for my own pleasure, it’s not because Dad told me to. Honest.

the moment before the explosion

Hmm – but of course, the Antichrist would lie to you. Are you still alive? Well there’s your proof. *brushes the ashes of the budgie under the couch*

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

sorry, was i making you dizzy?

It’s not intentional. My two regular visitors will have been close to nausea the way this blog’s been changing colours and styles. My own learning curve with how this works is at fault.

I finally decided the style i wanted was the one i had last week. It’s the only 3 column one I like, and i have all these widgets. They’re the little things around the page – like the Recent Posts widget.

I couldn’t get it to work last week, but read up on it, realised what was probably wrong, reloaded it, and of course, because i wasn’t expecting it to work, it did. So i didn’t need the debugging help after all. Computers are weird. We all know that.

On Twitter, I’m trying to cull the marketers from the Who I’m Following List. I have 51 Followers. You can bet Al Gore is starting to sweat. I’m following 88. I’ve suddenly started getting very young men following me on Twitter, which is a bit scary. I have responsibilities, not to harm their young minds.

Pagan Computer Science

They’re all hyper-achievers, (not the slackers i was expecting – I’m judging people by what i was like at that age again), with websites of their own that show off the most amazing minds. I’m attracting child prodigies. Life gets weirder.

I’ve made some pics on icanhazcheeseburger to cater for my new following – they’re the ones on this post. Which reminds me, no more sex with God. Still, i reckon anyone who sees the header is going to figure out there might be bad language at the bloody least.

Oh yeah, the Sheila Bastard thing. What’s that about? I hear you say. (The miracles of artistic licence.) It’s my name from about 20 years ago, when a friend used to joke that he wanted me as his band manager, but i had to use that name, because it would scare the A&R guys even more than me in full-on World Domination mode would.

It’s a joke, on being Australian -  ‘sheila’ means ‘woman’ in Aussie slang, and ‘bastard’ is both an epithet and a term of endearment. So Sheila Bastard I became. Sheila’s a convenient nickname for those who need a first name, as I’m not prepared to share my own on this blog. Not interested in getting any stalkers.

I now have zero tolerance for those who choose to stay insane. Let them stalk someone else. Me stalking Eddie Izzard and Stephen Fry on Twitter is not the same thing. Oh wow, speaking of Twitter – i just found this. It’s an animated world map of Tweets, quite amazing to watch.

I am up to 55 Followers. Ha, eat my Tweets, Al Gore. And of course, it being Twitter, the number I’m Following has gone up to 82.

Here’s a nice religious poster to end with.

Thought for the Day from Stinginthetale Ministries

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com