NFSFFW

What does NFSFFW mean? Well, Not Safe For Work is NSFW, then we have Not Fucking Safe for Fucking Work.

I’m trying to warn you, that in this post in particular, if you’re offended by bad language, you had better run away. This post is offensive. Nice, huh? I’ve probably guaranteed everyone will read right to the end. It’s mostly pictures, it’s not like it will strain you.

WARNING: CHILDREN, SHUT YOUR EYES NOW!
VERY BAD LANGUAGE AHEAD

There are a lot of people searching for ponies and ending up on this blog. You probably want to close this window now, before you’re inducted into the Queen of Darkness’s armies.

****

What am i enraged about today? Hmm… let’s see. Aside from the usual, like the government’s plans to censor the internet for all Australians, i’m not feeling super enraged. I thought instead i’d show you some pretty pictures. Ready?

Here we go!

just the thing for the church picnic, & thought-provoking

Hmm… i don’t know if I want that one, people might think i’m a believer. There’s always shock value ….

i'm not sure i'm this much of an attention whore

In the end, i designed my own.

Finbert rides again

Root means ‘sex’ in Australian, by the way – ‘wanna root?’ = ‘wanna fuck’. Yep, i think i’ll go with the one above – that poor fish, he’s had a workout.

Finbert also appeared in this post, where he was sexually abused by Burt Lancaster. It wasn’t Burt’s fault, it was a typo – you see, that fish is a cichlid. Read the post, seriously, it makes sense there. Well, as much sense as i ever make.

I was reading back over some posts while chasing down links for this and noticed that my most popular posts remain the ones you think are sexual (aside from whichever is the newest one).

You still can’t get enough Camel Toe for the Beginner – which does have camel toe, but also has bizarre fetishes, just so nobody gets lonely.

Another hawt sexy post Toaster Sex Will Rot Your Brain is actually a very nice rant on the unfairness of being banned because i have breasts. I still love the pics i did for that one. There’s something about toaster sex.

Yeah, i know most visitors are not really admiring the size of my brain or my cute pictures. Or even my Minions’ Badges. You’re looking for porn. (Or ponies, various birds, Antichrist humor, penectomies, and sex dolls. Seriously. And people say I’m weird.)

I do have a disclaimer somewhere that points out that when i mention sex, i do put in enough jokes to make it highly interruptive if you’re trying to masturbate. And i really wasn’t serious about inserting furniture.

If you like the two tshirts at the top, and want one, click the pic to go the shops that sell them.

I think the third one rocks. I want one of those! Where’s my Number One Minion? Make it so, Number One!

*****

In other news – there are at least 17 people visiting my blog every day! SEVENTEEN! Wow.

Seventeen people is enough for a death squad, this is so cool!

Bless you, dear little minions Beloved Visitors.

© http://stinginthetail.wordpress.com

is everyone nude?

Top Searches
“facebook ate my baby”,  bdsm penectomy drawing,
sting in the tail soap,  man humps a camel,  a horse humping a man

*********

These are top searches people used to find my blog – god, you people are sick, lol. Except for Mr/Ms Clean there, looking for soap – i hope you weren’t too traumatised. And i suppose ‘facebook ate my baby‘ is okay. When I look at the most active posts, sex and violence win every time, and a little necrophilia or bestiality doesn’t hurt. Well, it doesn’t hurt one’s hits.

I spent the morning on Twitter and commenting on blogs. Well, i didn’t actually post all comments. The one that said “you’re stupid, they’re stupid, and you all deserve to die” didn’t get posted. Neither did the one that said “oh ffs, you’re being a hysterical fear-monger” or the one that said, “oh what a pair of wet sad fucktards!”.

I’m not that desperate for hits that i’ll encourage bare-knuckle fighting in the comments.

Some people do - and for some it works, for others it becomes a distraction. Serious flame wars do detract, usually. Sometimes, they’re great, as on Hello Kitty Hell, where Hello Kitty has one fan. Her name is Darlene, and laughing at her responses is part of a visit to the site.

Never read the comments on the LolCats site, or you will end up in a place worse than Hello Kitty Hell. You will never have sex again, that’s one thing for sure, and you will start making your cat wear clothes.

Some sites seem to end up with a bunch of people snarking at each other in the comments – others end up with people showponying, trying to act cute and funny, to pull people to their own blogs. It’s true, if you can say something good in the Comments, it will bring people to your blog. However, if it bombs, you look like a fucktard.

Me, i’m just happy to get comments, though i get annoyed when they don’t say anything except “i wrote a blog post on one tiny aspect of something you mentioned in passing in this post… and here’s the link”. Oh *drips sarcasm*, did you wonder why that one was deleted?

I am moderately annoyed today. Hormonal, hmm?

Well, yes, *stabs you in the head* i am a bit, now you mention it.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Camel Toe for the Beginner

What’s in the news? Drunken footballers gangbanging drunken teenage girls? The Federal Budget? *yawn* i’m so over the real world. How about Texts From Last Night? This is my new favourite site of the moment. How could one resist this conversation?

(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Or this bit of poignancy.

(404): I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

We’ve all been there. Then there’s possibly my favourite conversation:

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother…or stop drinking so much…I don’t want to see this

You can see why i love it. If you get bored with Texts from Last Night, on the right of their page you’ll find Flickr from Last Night. Nothing like porn and other people to put everything in perspective.

Other things making me laugh this week include the Cute Food Blog – which makes me laugh in a delighted way and go ohh! Beautiful food pictures – the gingerbread house is to die for.

Then there was the Slave Control Software site, for those who would like to be sexually controlled, but are afraid of humans or perhaps humans won’t meet them in real life.

Some people have lost the  notion that sexual roleplay is actually just roleplay. That made me laugh then stop laughing as i realised it was for real. Well, as real as automated cybersex can be.

One can go all the way in the non-human stakes. No, i don’t mean one of those blow up sex sheep (real) or a RealHamster (funny funny funny) – i’m talking Real Dolls. These are carefully crafted sexually-accurate mannequins that are supposed to look realistic. For mannequins, i suppose they do. They come in female or male with just a torso if you don’t want all that weight.

Roxanne the Real Doll - wiki image

The funniest part about Real Dolls is how much people pay for them. They cost over $6,000 US (approx 7,600 Aussie), and up. There was a documentary years ago about the female Real Dolls and the men who buy them, dress them, and take them on picnics.

Oh yeah, and have sex with them – you can buy spare vaginas or other bits, the ones that wear first, and when you wear them a bit thin in a few places, you can send them back for refurbishment.

If you belong to a dating site, you can bet you’ll see pictures of Real Dolls on them, but they’ll be pretending to be real women. People are strange.  Sexually, people are very, very strange. Me probably heaps more than you, I’m not being judgemental.

Unless you’re the guy who (tried to find link to his site, but i can’t) had the fetish of building models of skyscrapers, about 3′ tall (one metre) and then sitting on them. Not inserting them, just crushing them under his butt like a Godzilla who needed to sit down. Ooh yeah, baby!

I’m also not stranger than you, if you’re the chick with the octopus up her i saw yesterday. It was an accident, i didn’t go looking for octopus porn. I mean, me seeing it was an accident.

It might have been an accident, I suppose, I don’t know how she got the octopus up there. Perhaps she “fell on it and it just shot up there” or something like that. It looked alive, which was a scary thought.

You get a whole new kind of follower on Twitter when you say words with porn in them, like “porn” or even “sex”. You can try not to say certain words, or put a break in them – like por n or p*rn – but marketing, media, sex, porn, tentacles, PR, and SM are all words/initials i use. Though i mean Sadism and Masochism, they mean Social Media.

I lost five followers right after the below, i’m not sure if it’s coincidence.

@BernardKeane said “Apropos of nothing, I hate Deepak Chopra. Just saying.”

I Retweeted that, and added my own touch.

lol – while we’re confessing, Tony Robbins die die die
RT @BernardKeane Apropos of nothing, I hate Deepak Chopra. Just saying.

Boom, five followers shed. I experimented with posting links to robot porn – among other things – and this one below, but nobody unfollowed me.

(warning – adult again) and the award for the most gratuitous camel toe pics goes to the camel toe eraser!

Camel toe’s okay, but you cannot diss Tony Robbins. There is no rhyme or reason to Twitter. Oh – camel toe? It’s when your pubic area shows bisected through your clothes. Like when jeans ride up at the front. The above link is to a place that’s giving them away for a competition. This anti-camel toe device, the Cuchini, (company motto Our Lips Are Sealed),  is a piece of i think latex that fits over your pubic area.

In extreme cases, camel toe can look like the person is being cut in half and possibly carrying watermelons in their pants. The last pic on the page is like that, plus they have a page of celebrity camel toe on the brand site – oh, and the Camel Toe Eraser is basically a shield to stop your bits being cut in half.

Some people like the flanged look – there are porn sites for camel toe aficionados – others (a majority, and yes, me too), think it’s a clothing faux pas. Like budgie-smugglers on a bloke, camel toe means having to view a stranger’s genitalia. In uncalled-for detail. Like this. (That means avert your eyes now. Well, soon.)

Budgie-smugglers are very clingy, very brief, men’s swimwear.

budgie smugglers at YourDemocracy.net.au - they mean real budgies, but the pic suits my purpose. Click for a story on Customs thwarting bird smugglers.

Makes it look like there’s a small bird (budgerigar) they’re smuggling. Well, occasionally a big bird, but not if they’ve been in cold water.

Before i go, something wonderful – I’ve found Hello Kitty Hell. It’s the story of a man whose wife is a Hello Kitty fan. It’s brilliant.

Hello Kitty tattoo

Now you’ve found it too. Neat, huh?

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

some evil for the weekend, sir?

Let’s see, i do believe i promised sex and religion. Possibly not combined, but hey, there’s a reason all us nice rejected-Catholic girls fantasise about priests. (I’m not lapsed – leaving the Church was a deliberate decision of rejection on my part.) What do you mean, you don’t fantasise about priests? Not even the pastor? You’re missing some primo fantasy material.

I’ve seen some interesting pornos featuring nuns too. Not to mention all those movies where repressed female sexuality smouldered at repressed male sexuality. Anything with nuns in. Like that John Holmes porn movie with the nuns.

Actually, he was the unsexiest bloke – around 11 inches of penis, and the acting abilities of a stick insect. They made 70′s porn stars look good in that movie with Burt Reynolds and Mark Wahlberg. In his porno movies, John Holmes made Lurch in the Addams Family look like Cleo Magazine’s Bachelor of the Year. And he never got fully hard *yawn* so they were always trying to ‘stuff a softy’. (It’s a technique for achieving penetrative sex with a semi-flaccid penis. Don’t ask how i know these things. Thinking about it, am pretty sure i read it in the sealed section of a woman’s mag.)

Anyway, so to me, the only thing hotter than doing the priest (in religious scenarios) is possibly doing the pope. Not the current pope, obviously – or the last one* shudders and makes sign of cross against Nazi-vampire-Benedict-JohnPaul-narcoleptic-sex* – i am not into evil turtlemen. Though if you are, hey, i won’t judge you – power does things to people’s bits. I want to do fantasy-pope – one of the depraved medieval ones, maybe. Ideally in front of the entire College of Cardinals. Do note, in real life, i have no desire to achieve this – ta all the same.

Popesex beats being nailed to a cross, seriously. You need a helper for crucifixion, it’s not a solo sport. Some people do it without nails, and use chains instead. I’m not into crucifixion, obviously – I’m the Antichrist. Crucifixion’s a very Roman Empire fantasy. Lots of men with hard thighs and breastplates. And short swords. What a disappointment.

There are crucifixion porn stories on the net – but then there is every kind of porn story you’ve never imagined on the net. The net porn industry is not constrained by little things like ‘physical impossibility‘ or ‘impossible without lube‘. If it “will cause permanent damage” that’s okay too. Or even ‘fatal‘.

A lot of people think internet porn is real life, just because someone says “this really happened”. ‘Ecological disaster‘ is alright too. There was one where hundreds of baby octopus died. (I’ve read things I can’t unread, that’s all i’m going to say. )

Apropos of nothing (or “i can’t figure a way to segue neatly into this, so i’m just telling you”) : Since doing that post on using Twitter (and mentioning that i’ve never deleted a Tweet), i’ve done so many typos i can hardly believe it. I nearly deleted 4 posts they were so bad. Thought i’d mention that in case anyone thinks i’m MsTwitterPerfect, or that i think i am.

I forgot to mention – the way to do those neat short URL’s on Twitter (or anywhere else) is to go to TinyURL and it’s free. Or Google “URL shorteners” – there’s lots. I use another site – bit.ly – when i post my evil missives (blog posts) on Twitter – i can see at a glance how many people clicked on that URL, or if it got sent on and used in other places on the net.

As i said, I’d like to focus on religion and porn, but Mr Whatsit is watching Saturday TV and has ended up on a fashion program on the Lifestyle Channel. I think he’s waiting for Grand Designs.  “Glorified coathangers!” he’s shouting at the screen. And he keeps screaming in revulsion as skinny girls stagger in weird undulations down a catwalk. “My God! Clothes don’t look right on them!” Ahh, neat segue, Mr Whatsit.

So, religion, “opiate of the masses”? or is that football? Personally, i think it’s all just a distraction – sex too – if you’re obsessed with those, you won’t be thinking about how badly your country is being governed, or the numbers of poor going without basic healthcare while the christian church, a bloated monstrosity, is the richest entity on the planet.

Because obviously, if you did consider it, you’d be sick over how awfully unfair it all is, and unable to wank over the idea of kneeling under the priest’s lecturn and… “OMG she’s ANOREXIC!”

Yes, thanks, Mr Whatsit, completely broke my thread there. I realised that i promised politics and world domination, as well as religion and sex. Well, i did mention politics. So one to go.

World domination is simple, really – I’m the Antichrist, the Queen of Darkness – vote me for World Ruler. Any opposition will be Disappeared. I don’t intend to wipe them out.  They’ll be at church or the pub, searching for internet porn, and betting on the footy, just like they are now – wasting time getting het up about things that don’t matter.

There *wipes brow* more politics, more religion,
and perhaps a soupçon of egotistical rant.

Is it just me, or is it warm in here?

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

i blame my parents…

plenty of handy roping points, but the ears are going to tickle

The lovely Tea tells me the next big thing is furniture porn. A move onwards from toaster insertions, though of course, you will need a rope to tie to the leg of the chair or table. Or lampstand. The handy thing about toasters was that they came with a cord so you didn’t lose them.

Nothing worse than a coffee table gone rogue internally. Especially if you can’t remember how many bits of furniture were in the house when you started. Beginners want to start small.  For instance, the sheep chair is one for the advanced user. The novice should start with something that doesn’t need a 44 gallon drum of lube, a winch, and a greasegun to hand. Something more streamlined.

chair insertion FAIL

A word about safety. Have a safecall – this is someone who, if you don’t contact them inside a certain time frame will rescue you or call the fire brigade. The woman on the right learned the hard way after spending 3 days trapped in an Octopus Chair insertion gone horribly wrong.

If a neighbour passing hadn’t heard her screaming, she might have been there until her husband returned from a conference four days later.

for the beginner

Better to begin your career in furniture porn with something like the red chair on the right   – yes, it’s really a chair.  Naturally, it’s up to you as to whether to employ assistants to man the ropes.

A lot of people get off on the mostly amateur furniture porn available, saying that the weird camera angles, occasional feet obscuring the action, and in the case of the late great Tonya Bigones, the sight of a woman trying to insert a grand piano, is the best part.

It’s spawned a host of imitators, and even the beginning of the professional furniture porn industry.

There’s still room for the enthusiastic amateur, and sites like RateMyToasterInsertion also have areas for the furniture connoisseur. Surprisingly, a lot of stuff ends up on YouTube, purely because the censors don’t think it’s real. Of course, the BDSM aficionados are in on the act, as in the peg chair below.

that’s gotta hurt!

There’s even been a small number of suicides by bolster cushion, at least, they’ve been classified suicides, but some people are saying auto-erotic-strangulation-via-bolster cushion is too hard, these people must have had assistance.

However, we’re all about playing safe. You will need good rope, an anchor point to tie it to, latex gloves, extra-large furniture condoms, and at least your own bodyweight in water-based lube. (I hear that silicon lube is considered excellent, but as it does contain silicon, i don’t really want it in my body.)

Crisco is  not advised, it coats delicate internal tissues and can kill off the natural critters that we rely on for internal health. Never use Vaseline as a lube for the same reasons, and because it’s made from petrol byproducts and eats away at latex (like the stuff your condoms are made of).

Good Lord – (i’m allowed to say that, *shows Papal Dispensation to take His name in vain* only cost me a proof of purchase on two packs of Benedict’s Cotton Candy Flavoured Underpants and i got a coupon for a pack of Vatican Fishnet Stockings) -  I’ve accidentally included some good information in here, what a shame it’s obscured by toaster and furniture porn.

Never mind, and while i have you here, don’t forget, get your tshirt on your way out. Now in white, red, and black.

it’s more fun with a friend

*reads back* Okay, it’s official, i’ve gone nuts. Or i’ve reached Zen and your worldly constructs no longer trouble mah evolv-ed soul.
*looks way-more-holier-than-thou*

The Queen of Darkness thanks you for reading and
apologises for what’s probably going through your mind.
The voices-outside-my-head made me do it.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

i visited the nazi party and lived

Well, actually, it was just a guy who said he was really right wing – he was quite funny, and put me onto this quiz on ‘how progressive are you?’

Now my nazi friend got 32 – so he was very unprog, but me, i scored.

omg, i'm a communist

Then i decided to click, and ‘see how other groups scored’

note, i scored 303

So, (if you can see that no US citizen gets over 247.1 on this test) what does this mean? Yes, I’m not American. I’m pretty normal here in Oz* – and according to the left wing of my family, i’m a right wing fascist. I tried to say, it’s anarchist monarchist**, but does anyone listen?

I made the mistake of saying to Mum that i didn’t think i’d vote Labor any more. They’re left wing, historically more so than the Democrats but they’re not very leftist any more – more centrist and moving towards totalitarianism.

Mum is not leftist – she would vote One Nation (anti-immigration, send the bastards back and kill the reffos***),  if they ran a candidate in her posh suburb. She told one sister, just to gloat. Of course, next thing there’s a sussuration of horror going round the country. Nobody bothered to ask me who i was voting for.

I was actually thinking of throwing my vote away, doing a protest vote, say voting Green. Then this so-called Labor government decided to make deals with the Family First party (out there with One Nation on the lunatic rightwing fringe), and bring in a filter to censor MY internet.

You’ve heard of it, right? *shakes head and groans* We already have the slowest net, now we’ll have the most censored of any democracy. We’re going to be like China (or Saudi Arabia, Iran, Burma/Myanmar – pick your dictatorship – and let’s not pretend China is communist, LOL.)

The Labor government want to bring in a net filter that your ISP will have to install, and blank out all adult content. Yes, that’s right, anything 18+ will be gone. You can opt in (and out yourself as a pervert) to get ordinary soft porn (omg, i can see her nipples) – but anything kinky (look at meh, i have a leather corset!) is going to be unavailable from an Australian ISP. No opting into that, it’s all going to be marked BAD and you’re not allowed to see. Despite it being legal.

They’re also going to ban some sites just because – already the list has been leaked, and most of the content is legal everywhere in Australia (except WA and areas of the NT where porn is banned). There are already mistakes – I’ve blogged about this in detail.

So, get your arse (it’s an Aussie butt, it’s an ARSE) to this site and at least sign the petition, or you’re about to lose the right to choose what you look at. Subscribe to this excellent blog for all the news up to the minute.

Progressive, moi? I’m going to flog any of you who don’t sign the petition – and not in a nice this-is-your-safeword-and-are-you-comfy kind of way – but i suppose i could have you shot, so it’s progressive. However, with me being a benevolent monarch – and uber-progressive – you get a prize.

a little token of my appreciation

Do something now, while the wowsers**** don’t have complete control of the country. The net is just the beginning, they’ve said, the rest of the country is next – we’ll be back to the sixties, with banned books and people being arrested for having breasts.

Vote me for Queen of Darkness.
I promise, i’ll never criminalise you for your body parts.

*Oz = Oztralia AKA Australia

**anarchist monarchist* you lot can do what you want,
but I get to be queen

*** reffos - refugees

**** wowsers the terminally prim who wouldn’t know fun if it bit them on their tight arses – and who want to inflict their narrow view of the world on us all.

N.B. in case it was a fluke, i went back, and scored 327, lol

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

toaster sex will rot your brain..

It gets funnier – people have had a chance to go through the list of  sites to be completely banned in Australia. One of them, Abbywinters, was winner of the Best Adult Site in Australia, the last three years running. On the front page, they say.

Parents, we recommend http://www.child-internet-safety.com
to ensure your children cannot access our site.

They’re not the only site that thought they were legal to be banned. Surprise, apparently nudity, breasts, genitalia of any kind, dentistry, and of course, toaster insertions, (a common kind of extreme porn, see previous post) are now completely illegal in Australia.

the dangers of pornography

They’ve even banned a site where women show their G-strings (thongs in US) above their jeans. I object to being criminalised just because i have illegal body parts – i didn’t know they were illegal when i incarnated on this backward planet.

A couple of fetish sites are on the list. We all know, one spank, and bam, you’re robbing liquor stores and raping passing antelope. Some gambling sites are banned, but not all – which is just as well, they’re not actually illegal. However, some take babies in exchange for chips – who knew? Animal boarding kennels are also verboten. Yep, i knew someone who put their kids in kennels accidentally,and took the dog on holidays.

They’ve banned a lot of ordinary porn too. (Men and women doing it to each other, no under-age toasters involved.) There’s a few others (about half) also with no apparent connection to kiddies.

Oh yeah, then there’s the geriatric sex site – lol. Omg, the wrinklies are doing it! That’s so hot, i think i’ll just… um… wow, look at how their baggy bits are all moving, like some kind of giant sea anemone. This is supposed to make me want to attack children?

A woman from a child advocacy group said that every fifteen-year-old boy in the country would be chasing this list of banned sites. gigglesnort!

Erm – leaving aside the very sexist assumption that girls are never curious enough to look at porn – young people don’t need a list to find porn. Or weird sites.

They can do it whenever their parents fail to supervise them on the net. Or at school, when teachers leave the kids alone on the computers which already have filters on them. Installing a Filter and destroying freedom of speech and expression in this country, won’t change this fact.

So i suppose i’m going to have to stop masturbating again. I don’t want to be busted, i’m a cleanskin. It’s alright, i think i can take this celibacy gig. I still had a sore wrist from all the wanking last week, after the toaster porn went hardcore. Who knew a woman could do double entry toasters?

Latest from the fundamentalist Christians, a poster campaign warning of the dangers of masturbation. They decided to try to hitch a ride on the popularity of the Lolcats.

toaster porn claims another victim

For those who don’t speak Lolspeak -kittehz means cats – represented here by cutest kitten on planet.

“Oh, no,” sez kitteh, “more cats will die.
The cats beg you, don’t touch the toaster.”

How do i know lolspeak?
it’s not hard to learn – they have a how to

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

We can’t play naked Twister – we’ll get banned

Coming soon – an Internet Filter over the whole of Australia, (each ISP will be forced to filter your net access) to stop ALL nudity, violence, and anything faintly adult on the Australian net. You will be able to opt in to some adult content, but a lot will be banned completely, under laws against porn, violence, lawbreaking, or instructing/inciting someone to do these things – doesn’t matter if it’s real, it can be cartoons. So yeah, anime, hentai, and any RPG that misses a G rating will be banned. (See end of this blog post for breaking news on which sites are being banned already.)

Of course, by opting in to mild nudity, you will be outed as a pervert. Even if all you wanted to do was look at this blog. (Yeah, I think I’m probably adult – those trannies are going to up my score. Plus i’m going to cover sex with household appliances soon.) The government will be watching you. They’re probably watching me, i’ve written to my MP rather sarcastically.

Didn’t you know that – about being a paedophile from looking at adults having sex, or just being nude? No, neither did I, and with the amount of porn I’ve seen in the last ten years, you’d think I would have had some urges before now.

Let me perform a quick lobotomy before I snap and go down to the primary school. Wait, *stops sharpening the axe* something’s wrong with their theory. I still don’t even LIKE children. That doesn’t mean I want to abuse them, either – it means that I don’t want to be anywhere near them. A decade of hardcore porn, years of Family Guy, and I’m not a paedophile. I’m not abusive, depraved, or violent. Oops.

So much for religious theory on the causes of paedophilia and problems in society – and so much for the powers of nudity, whips and chains, Peter Griffin, and large object insertions. The latter, I only look at for a laugh. Seriously, they are so funny – a bunch of women with really elastic vag’s having a giggle as they compete to see who can fit a toaster up there.

Not plugged in, obviously, they’re not suicidal. And there’s a woman holding onto the toaster by the cord, to make sure it doesn’t get lost. You might see some bloke doing the same with a Hummer with a rope tied to it – men always do it bigger. Up to the hubcaps! None of this nancying about with toasters!

However, mustn’t harm the kidlets. Well, aside from the obvious, when we let people breed without any kind of check. Now call me crazy, but when it comes to drug addicts, I think their kids being alone on the comp are probably the least of those kids’ problems. At least, before the Filter, the kid will be able to look up Drug Crisis or Help Overdose without being arrested by the Feds. What do you mean, you’re not a drug addict, but you let your child be online unsupervised, (shut it in its bedroom, like so many I know) – are you fucking insane?

Don’t you know how easy it is to accidentally happen on really explicit pictures and content? *sicks up a bit at the memories* There’s stuff on there that’s damaging to adults, ffs. Especially when you’re surfing sans underpants, with Google’s Safesearch switched off. Which I told you all how to do in a previous post.

I’m 48, open about sex (yeah, you noticed, lol), with a quarter of a century of using computers behind me. I would never let a child use the net alone. Yet over and over again, parents ignore me, until i say let me show you what you can see. Now, ignoring your child’s moral danger, and letting it become sexualised, is child abuse. Sexualising means you’re grooming that child to be sexually interested and active, even when it is pre-pubescent.

As for the World Wide Web, your sexualised child is more likely to fall for a paedophile’s blandishments. (And you’re not watching, so how the fuck would you know?) No, I’m not joking at all. Sexualising is as bad as actually sexually or physically abusing your children.

The Filter is easy to get past – though you can’t speed your net back up, and you will of course be suddenly criminalised – but the Filter won’t help stop sexual content unless you do what you should be doing now – you keep an eye on your kids. If you’re doing that, i don’t need legal adult content banned on MY fucking net.

As for the fundamentalist Christians, so afraid of their own dark side, who think an adult just seeing anything Walt Disney would have banned will result in immediate and utter dissolution of their entire moral code, seriously, you’re pathetic. “Omg, honey, I just saw an ad for a vibrator, now I’ve given up God. I set fire to the old peoples’ home. I sold the children for medical experiments. And I’m leaving you for an anaconda. I’m not sorry at all!” *sound of a man sobbing as a woman’s stiletto heels click away*

How sad that their moral code is so shallow, ephemeral, and obviously meaningless to them. If it really meant something, they wouldn’t be so afraid some tits or a cartoon gun might make them go astray. Or that me looking at those things might affect them in some way.

sick sick sick

BE HEARD You can find out more, sign petitions, and send emails to the people who matter from these sites. It’s all set up, easy to do. http://somebodythinkofthechildren.com

http://www.getup.org

http://www.nocleanfeed.com

BREAKING NEWS>>> Just leaked – the government’s new banned sites list – the blacklist.

Twitter got better

Despite my previous words, about being too scared to go back to Twitter and face Al Gore, I went back and deleted him, and Penn (Penn&Teller). I don’t know who most of the other people are still in my network, but you seem nice.

Sorry, Al, no offence, but you’re not my type, and Penn was too quiet. I did however, find Stephen Fry (who’s divinely funny). He has decided that the fake Eddie Izzard must be dethroned, and so he’s persuaded the real Eddie (who is surreal and so funny) to join. So i now have both of them in my Twitter network. Tres cool, huh?

And my ex in London is still relying on who he knows, pfft. I’ve been on Twitter three days and i’m already rubbing myself on the famous. Sorry about that guys. *offers towels* I feel i should add, whatever the Twitterquette is, Stephen and Eddie are quite safe as i’m too lazy to even stalk them online for long. Eight people are now watching me on Twitter even though i’m not doing much. I posted some experimental twitters last Saturday.

I twitted? Twittered, i think is correct. Then one Twats in the past tense.  I Twattered? I’m not sure of the language, and i’m pretty sure i just made Twitterquette up – easy to feel a right Twit *snigger* or should that be Twat?

So far my loyal disciples fellow Twitters (Twitterers? Twittles? Twitterati? Twits?) are all men, maybe they’re hoping for a wardrobe malfunction. It’s a text-based messager, so they’ll be waiting a while. Oops, i’ll type, my knickers just fell off! and i’ll giggle. This is the way to be popular, i’m pretty sure. Man, i am gonna lay waste to the Twitter Kingdom. Of course i’m naked, I’ll type, while comfy in trackies and slippers – would i lie to you? (note: this is humour/humor and anyone demanding text nudity will be blocked.)

It’s occurred to me that Stephen and Eddie might one day come here - i hope i figure out how to do pages before then, and how to change the bag on the vacuum. I should make clear, they aren’t watching me, i’m watching them. Spooky, huh? Yeah – join Twitter and feel like a stalker in three easy steps, hehehe.

There were a lot of men who used to spend their lives longing for a wardrobe malfunction and who never knew what to call it. Life has changed a lot. My grandmother lived through the coming of the car and the computer, among other things, (1901-84) – i’ll be able to say, i lived through the coming of the video, the camera phone, and the First Great Porn Wave. No, i don’t mean wave your bits at me. Or anyone else.

I just mean now all you have to do is take Google’s Safesearch function off, and you have porn. (It’s either in your Advanced Settings on your google page, or when you get a search result, you’ll see SafeSearch On, or SafeSearch Off at the top of the page. Shazam! Be careful what you google for.)

In the olden days it was much harder. Well, i dunno if harder is the right word. Sheesh. Language is a minefield. These things start so innocently, a throwaway comment here, next thing my email box is stuffed with penises. Pictures of them, obviously, not real ones. I would add, my email is not the same as the name on this blog, i don’t want whoever that is to suddenly be neck-deep in porn and me to be blamed.

*goes to look at twitter and say something more than”blogging and focused on food”*

OMG, bugger Al Gore! I have eleven watchers on Twitter! Ha, in your face, Al Gore, i don’t need you. *reads that over* I obviously didn’t mean actual buggery, i meant i’m shallow – and I wasn’t putting anything in Al Gore’s face or his anything else.

Jeez, this blog is embarrassing – what if Eddie Izzard is tremendously bored, goes for a wander among the thousands who have already added him on Twitter, and he reads this? Or Mr Fry does? He’s a delicate chap, if terribly cosmopolitan – i might affect him badly. He’s had that time in prison … wait, that was Oscar Wilde.

I better change this blog a bit, or people will point, say, yeah, she’s the one who made Stephen Fry look at porn. Assuming anyone has made it this far – after you all took SafeSearch off, you could be lost for weeks.

Ooh – 12 people on Twitter – and one is a girl! Hmm… she’s into inspirational texts, and seems quite popular. I wonder how many times she’s had to drop her knickers to get 42,000+ in her network?

Oh – i see, she’s selling something. Her version of ‘how to find happiness and success, *sound of gagging*, gee, do i look like a sucker? I don’t like people who think they have a mortgage on the Truth. Except when it’s me, obviously. I need to find the delete button.

Nobody’s ramming anything down my throat.

I didn’t mean literally, of course. Damn, language fucks with my meaning again! i mean fucks as in messes with. Not literally fucking with.

Oh look, there’s someone at the door! *runs*

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com