I Am The Traffic Cone on Your Highway…

I detect a sense of Christmas obsession in those who accidentally visited this blog in the last week. Now (i think) i know why My House Is Trying To Kill Me (the old post on mould/mold) is getting so much traffic – it’s people looking for gingerbread.

I hope you enjoyed the rant on the stupidity of doctors, the cruelty of real estate agents, the possibly pertinent advice on health, and the pretty gingerbread house pic. At least i cited the pic’s origin, so they wouldn’t waste their time, and meanwhile, decuisine (where pic comes from) is getting a lot of hits from me. ‘Tis the season for giving, right?

I’m the Antichrist, this jolly Christmas bollocks doesn’t come naturally.

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Thought for the Day: Did you take time to muse on the exquisite cruelty of Google, that brings you interesting things to read when you really don’t have time to get distracted by a blog?

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The gingerbread thing is out of control out there…

Top Searches

gingerbread house,  gingerbread house pictures,  sick gingerbread house,  award winning gingerbread houses,  award-winning gingerbread house

See what i mean? Lucky my gingerbread house is actually a beautiful one with a link to a proper recipe, it might have been a dead-end.

Today, another 20 have already arrived on the “gingerbread house” search (thank you Baby Jebus, for your birthday, when peoplez do search for gingerbread a lot), but there was enough other weird stuff to reassure me. I am not looking forward to my gingerbread comedown in January, but my target market are still out there, searching for camel toe.

Yesterday this was the tally.

gingerbread house	50
hello kitty tattoos	2
award-winning gingerbread house	2
worst ginerbread houses	2
sick gingerbread house	2
artwork sting in the tail	1
what goes camel toe mean	1
camel toe female	1
hello kitty tattoo ideas	1
robson green nude	1

Of course, there are sicker things, Horatio, ‘twixt Heaven and Earth, than bad spelling, camel toe, and gingerbread obsessives. Yes, “Robson Green nude“. There’s scary.  I had a wee run in with him a few posts ago.

Just when you think you’ve heard the most awful thing you can imagine, you notice something in the list…. yes, “hello kitty tattoo ideas“. Motherfucker. We need to track that one down and exterminate before they breed. (Though again, Google wasn’t actually lying, i do have several Hello Kitty Tattoos around the place. Not on me, i hasten to add.)

However, it being that time of year, maybe we could just spay the people who want HK on their bodies? As a munificent gesture to the Season. Hang on, why am i asking anyone? I’m the Queen of Darkness, and you’re supposed to trip over yourselves to do my bidding. Shift it, there’s spaying to be done!

Hu-mans, as the Ferengi say on Star Trek. I am so glad i’m an alien – especially having just returned from the local shopping centre.

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There are heaps of vile things happening in the world, pollution – so cunningly rebranded as ‘carbon’ and taxable, and what fun, to be bought and sold on the stock market.

World leaders continue to stick their heads in the sand (which they’ve been doing since the 60′s, ignoring pollution). So, what strange manner of beast is this, that lurches towards Bethlehem to be born? I think it’s lurching towards the next Global Financial Crisis.

In other news: The Australian Government is bringing in the legislation for the Internet Filter, (in first 6 months of 2010) just as China is removing their filter and moving towards filtering each machine (at machine level, because an ISP filter doesn’t work very well and slows the net for everyone, even Communist Party high-ups who are allowed to read about democracy and indulge in nipples).

I really can’t think about why a democracy needs to take us back to the fifties – yep, even in the sixties we could see more than will be able to on the net. I will be able to see more on normal television. Our government are paying off the Christian Right as i’ve been saying for a while now. Bloody hell, people – our Prime Minister is a member of the Christian Right, he’s the biggest wowser of them all.

No nipples at all – anything adult is about to be banned. Everyone, get your tickets now for the book burnings. My blog (which mentions much more than nipples, just look at my tags!) may end up behind a firewall i can’t access without risking criminalisation.

Oh yeah – and if you think the hardcore Christians (people like the Australian Christian Lobby) will stop there? They have already said, next is all porn in print and video form, and all adult entertainment. Because it’s a well-known truism that nipples drive young men to crime.

I can picture the meeting of the Christians Under Nipple Threat Society. I just love their initials.

“Yep, nipples are responsible for the drugs that destroy our young people.”
“People drink and drive because of nipples.”
“Men’s nipples?”
“Men’s nipples are exempt on account they aren’t attached to Whores of Babylon.”
“They’re taking our jobs!”
“Damn nipples. Let’s kill them.”
“Wait, they’re attached to women.”
“What, all women?”
*cue worried silence*

Aw, even the Christians can’t think of a reason to kill all the women.

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So. This is where my head’s at. The voices-outside-my-head say if we don’t put something here, it will be New Year and we’ll be feeling guilt-ridden.

Oh, then there’s The Thing. Which does have another working title, but “The Thing” is shorter. The first book of a six book series.  It’s going well, i have about 80k, (after 80 days) and have paused to regroup and check, after a couple of mistakes that cost me days correcting their tentacles through the narrative.

I’m experimenting with organisational methods, but discovered the two free programs for writers i tried weren’t for me (Ywriter5 by an Aussie programmer and writer seemed the best of them by a long shot, as you can import an existing project and it seemed easy to use). They didn’t go into as much detail as my system did, and there was no facility for linking to my spreadsheets.

Pfft – if you can’t link to spreadsheets, what’s the point? So, I am hoping to get a copy of Mind Manager soon. I’ll let you know how i go with that. I tried it on a trial – they do a free 30-day trial – and wow. Am very much a beginner on it, but as a project management tool, it rocks. And you can link to hyperlinks and spreadsheets – any file.

Anything else you need to know? Yes, yes, the Queen of Darkness is still invading Queensland in ’10. As for New South Wales, i have so far taken over a small section of the Coles Budgewoi carpark simply by putting some ribbons on poles around some parking spots. I’ve extended this plan to large parts of all local shopping centres. Heh!

I have now begun to annex the highways by simply putting traffic cones on the lanes i want. Yes, that’s me.

Whenever you see a traffic cone, and nobody working on the road, you know, Her Majesty is on her way.

And I come bearing gifts.

© http://stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Welcome to Junkie Country!

I was reading (the funny and thoughtful) Bern Morley’s blog So Now What? When i googled her to check her website address later, this Tweet of hers popped up…

Bern_Morley I think Dr Phil fails to realise this woman is probably menopausal. Give her some fucking hormones and she’ll be AOK.

Sort of sums up her appeal for me – she speaks her mind, and she’s funny – she doesn’t swear much, usually, but she’s a mum, so under extreme stress at all times  – and yes, i recommend you follow her on Twitter. (I recommend you follow me too – though at the moment i’m focused on my book, so not tweeting or blogging much.)

I was reading Bern’s blog post  where she talked about people smoking round kids in 80′s Queensland and how she still sees people lighting up around children. I was surprised people were still smoking with kids in the car then – my parents used to, but that was in the 1960′s and 1970′s.

However, i reminded myself that only a couple of years ago, a very pregnant 25 yr old neighbour nearly made me fall off my chair when she lit up a cigarette. Her 45 yr old mother, who was there, seemed to think it was alright, because she rolled her daughter the cigarette. Two days later, out popped her (underweight, chesty) baby.

I admit, i’m stunned anyone is still pretending it’s okay. Even if you can’t give up, you can’t pretend it’s good for you. You can’t be that stupid, and you can’t be that ill-informed (in a Western country, that is – sadly the tobacco companies are still making lots of money and it’s rising every year in Asia and Africa).

You couldn’t pretend otherwise after about the mid-70′s even in Western Australia, which was a bit like the US in the 50′s, but during the 60′s & 70′s. Suddenly they admitted the cig companies were lying, having told us for years there was no proof it did cause cancer – I was already addicted by then.

The first time i tried to stop, and then realised i couldn’t – I was 14ish. I was probably addicted to secondary smoke before i left the womb, although my mother stopped smoking during all her pregnancies, my father didn’t, (he even smoked in bed) and no man went outside to smoke in 1960.

It actually took me, despite knowing all those years, another 30 or so to give up. This is what being an addict means. Your will to stop isn’t necessarily going to get you there. (It will if you keep at it, but most smokers retreat to “well, i tried, and everyone said for god’s sake, smoke, you’re horrible without them” – yeah, like that’s a reason to stop trying, junkie.)

I tried several times, managed up to six months a couple of them, didn’t last the week more often. In 2002, my father died of lung cancer. I still smoked. I didn’t even try to give up.

Back in the late 60′s and early 70′s, there were lots of cigarettes marketed to women, and advertised on television and in magazines. Smoking was cool, sophisticated, and an easy way to be older – adults who didn’t smoke were a tiny minority, remember – and it also became a way to show teen rebellion.

I bet it’s even cooler for teens now, seeing as everyone’s trying to stop you, even the government has stopped pretending they believe the tobacco companies any more, (woo hoo, a taste of nicotine-soaked teen rebellion, anyone?) and you know it’s at least a 50% chance it will kill you. Gosh, even driving drunk doesn’t have that kind of attrition rate and smouldering bad boy/grrl danger.

Smoking does kill that many smokers, and it will stunt your children’s growth and lead to problems for them, mentally and physically – whether in the womb or in the room.

However, I do wish they wouldn’t pretend it ages you as much as they do in those ads on the television – those awful haggard toothless women aren’t that way from just smoking. That’s a lifetime of misery, alcoholism, &/or heavy drug addiction written on those faces.

Alcoholism is just frequent binge drinking, btw – and that’s the clue, if you can’t stop once you open a bottle, unless you pass out first – maybe google ‘signs of alcoholism’.

Booze is a drug, like cigs, one the government also makes megabucks out of while it destroys families, relationships, and lives. They do the same with other addictions like gambling.

With booze, they’ll happily tax it, and send you to gaol if you break the law under the influence, despite them saying, alcohol fucks with your brain, you can’t tell how messed up you are, so don’t drink and drive – but it’s alright for you to drink at home, lose all your usual morals, and bash your family.  People are destroyed by booze.

Smoking, on the other hand, kills you in several horrible ways. Heart Disease? Lung cancer? Something slower? Emphysema?  Take your pick, they’re all fun. Of course, it also costs a fortune, and causes you to crawl in abject subjugation to a legal drug, the whole of your (shorter than average) life.

That’s what got me in the end. Getting older meant every year took me closer to the diagnosis of lung cancer. One of my uncles gave up for 20 years and still died of it, one was diagnosed at my age, so i know my own chances still aren’t good.

This drug, nicotine, is one the government keeps legal, but taxes higher, and higher – despite most people who now smoke being poor, and cost being negligible when one is addicted to a drug – or why would heroin/crack/meth addicts steal to fuel their habits?

People already buy their cigs and booze, then pay their bills, and buy food for their families. They go gambling and spend the rent money, while the government rakes in the money- maybe think about that, next time you vote.

The huge joke about my dad dying of lung cancer is, he’d given up a couple of months before they discovered the cancer, (having smoked for 50+ years) because of his heart condition, which needed surgery. He thought it was funny, anyway.

Oh yes, i’m doomed, both sides of the family have heart trouble – my father’s two brothers also died of either lung cancer or heart problems, while they also had lung cancer/heart problems. It extends into the grandparents.

So, there i was, tired of being scared every time i breathed in that smoke i craved, that didn’t really satisfy, and so tired of being Nicotine’s bitch. Tired of collecting adequate  supplies plus a spare lighter every time i moved position in the living room, let alone went on a whole day’s journey somewhere.

I gave up for seven months. Cold turkey, with no drug assistance, and no help from the biggest lie of all – therapeutic nicotine. It’s a poison, don’t keep taking it – i don’t know anyone who’s given up using therapeutic nicotine – i know lots who tried.

So there I was – completely clean, scary or what? I discovered my breaking point – i thought the end of the world had come.

We were flooded in for 4 days one midwinter, with no power, no food, and a dwindling supply of tea candles (the tiny ones you use for meditation) to warm water enough for tepid cupasoups.

We couldn’t heat any food, though we had a fair bit, as there was sewage in the floodwaters and we couldn’t get anything hot enough to stop food poisoning.

This was an extra worry as Mr Whatsit was just out of hospital after spinal surgery, confined to a stiff neck brace. He kept going outside (on the veranda, well above the water)  to survey the flood and have a smoke. He seemed much happier than me. On the third day, i said, give me one!

I was hooked again.

It took me six weeks to break the habit again. I used marijuana to break it that time, after having trouble with insane cravings. I’d go have a puff on a water pipe whenever the cravings hit insane levels. I have smoked grass for 20 yrs on and off, and it’s not addictive, sugar puffs – this junkie knows addictive.

I have a dear friend who has struggled since she was about 14 with addiction to heroin. She says giving up heroin was a walk in the park compared to giving up smoking.

Since I gave up the last time it’s been two years. Two years yesterday. I’m quite surprised, and only last week had an out-of-the-blue craving for tobacco, under stress. (Yes, i still smoke marijuana – if you have a problem with that, you’re on the wrong blog.)

As the cigarette craving hit last week, I reminded myself that i wasn’t flooded in with no freaking food or heat, my partner only four weeks out of surgery, so having a cigarette wasn’t a rational response.

Mistress Nicotine was still crooning her siren song, telling me i’d feel better, and didn’t i deserve a little treat? Hadn’t i missed her, didn’t i still sometimes think, ah, a cig would be nice right now?

I hit her over the head with a mallet. Fucking cow. I distracted myself, I lied and said i could have one tomorrow if i still felt that way. I had a bong, I cleaned my teeth with a mint flavoured toothpick, I chopped veggies for dinner and ate some raw- in short, everything i could think of to stop myself doing it.

When it comes down to it, it’s really going to have to be the end of the world, before i have another cigarette. With my family’s predilections for dying of heart disease or lung cancer, (which are smoking-related diseases, lest we forget), continuing to smoke was suicidal – and i’m not suicidal.

I was suicidal when i realised i was hooked. i remember thinking how awful it was, being an addict, what a failure i was – at only 14. I’ve no doubt it had a negative effect on my life and my behaviour.

So, if you’re trying to give up, and getting depressed, instead of smoking again, Google for help in your area, and call or visit the sites for support.

In Australia, there’s the Quit Line, 13 78 48 – specifically for those trying to give up.

If it’s making you feel like death’s better (or any time you’re down, depressed, suicidal), you can call Lifeline 131 114, Mensline 1300 789 978, and the BeyondBlue info line 1300 22 4636  -with thanks to the friend who supplied those.

Everyone i know well who has tried to or has given up has suffered the most awful welling up of psychological debris, much of it problems they thought they’d dealt with.

Many of them couldn’t stand it, and went back to smoking. I remember my father trying to give up back in the 70′s. If he’d done it, he might still be alive, which would annoy my mother in a most satisfying way.

If you’re one of the lucky ones, who stops, has no problems, and never looks back – you were smoking why? *rolls eyes* I cannot understand why anyone who could stop wouldn’t just do it.

My mother did that. After smoking for about fifty years most days, but not a lot every day, except in social situations, she had a heart attack, and because her doctor said it would be a good idea, she stopped.

Without any cravings at all. Gawd.

*****

For those of you only born yesterday (any time since the 70′s i spose) the title is a pun on the old Marlboro™ cigarette  commercials,
“Welcome to Marlboro Country”

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Zen and the Art of Enforced Inactivity

Let’s face it, the easiest way to deal with sudden inability to function is to take lots of drugs and zone out. I did that for the first three days. Then i realised it had actually been a week, so i tried reality again. It sucked so much that i went back to the drugs.

Happy to report they still work. Still have thumb strapped, which – as i was already wearing wrist supports for any typing – is just the icing on my cake. However, i can still type, just not well enough for me to waste the little time i have doing long blogs when i need to be getting on with the novel.

It’s going rather well, *touch wood* so i also don’t want to shift my focus too much, or i’ll lose where i am. And when. Yeah, i live in my head, so? Someone has to.

I do go outside. I’ve fortunately managed to control all my massive neuroses little foibles so i can still leave the house, i’m not actually terminally obese, (though have been there, so do not think i’m some kind of body fascist), and i still drive a car. I’ve managed to give up smoking tobacco, which after two years (nearly) still astonishes me.

Allowing our minds to take our lives over on the outside is like me doing a retro-tech futuristic novel means i should be skipping about ‘in costume’ in real life and only answering to the name of the heroine of my book.

Actually, i could start tweeting in character, maybe? No no no. Thrice no, i say! (Bit of drama there, for those who like that kind of thing. me arguing with the voices inside my head is always entertaining.)

Our minds influence life to astonishing degrees. We smoke or eat or drink ourselves to death, we hide indoors, we stop driving, we stop going to the supermarket and start only going as far as the corner shop, then try to stop going there too. We justify it all to ourselves. And for no real reason. We know that. It’s just something in our mind.

I once thought i had agoraphobia, as i didn’t like going outside when i first went to London. Then i realised that every time i stepped outside, i could see someone else, (it’s a crowded place), whereas inside the house there was more space around me. I had claustrophobia, you see? The reverse of what it looked like.

Mr Whatsit has been having a rough time, finally got some drugs that work from the doctor, and has been sleeping joyfully, zombie-boy catching up on maybe four months of not much sleep.

That’s my news – we’re both in pain but drugged enough to cope. Lol – and compared to many of my friends at the moment, we’re not doing too badly.

There seems to have been a rash of sudden illness, cancer diagnoses, of mid-winter depression, of bullying and depression, and of course, people have been going green in support of Iran. I haven’t, i’d only just gone red on Twitter to cheer myself up, with it being two days away from the mid-winter solstice here.

I feel sympathy and empathy for the Iranians – but i don’t think some unquantifiable number of people on Twitter dyeing their avatars green will help. I mean, does the head of the Iranian Secret Police say….

Zomg,  all mah Tweeples haz gone green!
Can haz democrasee! Stop teh beetingz!

Somehow, i don’t think so.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

some evil for the weekend, sir?

Let’s see, i do believe i promised sex and religion. Possibly not combined, but hey, there’s a reason all us nice rejected-Catholic girls fantasise about priests. (I’m not lapsed – leaving the Church was a deliberate decision of rejection on my part.) What do you mean, you don’t fantasise about priests? Not even the pastor? You’re missing some primo fantasy material.

I’ve seen some interesting pornos featuring nuns too. Not to mention all those movies where repressed female sexuality smouldered at repressed male sexuality. Anything with nuns in. Like that John Holmes porn movie with the nuns.

Actually, he was the unsexiest bloke – around 11 inches of penis, and the acting abilities of a stick insect. They made 70′s porn stars look good in that movie with Burt Reynolds and Mark Wahlberg. In his porno movies, John Holmes made Lurch in the Addams Family look like Cleo Magazine’s Bachelor of the Year. And he never got fully hard *yawn* so they were always trying to ‘stuff a softy’. (It’s a technique for achieving penetrative sex with a semi-flaccid penis. Don’t ask how i know these things. Thinking about it, am pretty sure i read it in the sealed section of a woman’s mag.)

Anyway, so to me, the only thing hotter than doing the priest (in religious scenarios) is possibly doing the pope. Not the current pope, obviously – or the last one* shudders and makes sign of cross against Nazi-vampire-Benedict-JohnPaul-narcoleptic-sex* – i am not into evil turtlemen. Though if you are, hey, i won’t judge you – power does things to people’s bits. I want to do fantasy-pope – one of the depraved medieval ones, maybe. Ideally in front of the entire College of Cardinals. Do note, in real life, i have no desire to achieve this – ta all the same.

Popesex beats being nailed to a cross, seriously. You need a helper for crucifixion, it’s not a solo sport. Some people do it without nails, and use chains instead. I’m not into crucifixion, obviously – I’m the Antichrist. Crucifixion’s a very Roman Empire fantasy. Lots of men with hard thighs and breastplates. And short swords. What a disappointment.

There are crucifixion porn stories on the net – but then there is every kind of porn story you’ve never imagined on the net. The net porn industry is not constrained by little things like ‘physical impossibility‘ or ‘impossible without lube‘. If it “will cause permanent damage” that’s okay too. Or even ‘fatal‘.

A lot of people think internet porn is real life, just because someone says “this really happened”. ‘Ecological disaster‘ is alright too. There was one where hundreds of baby octopus died. (I’ve read things I can’t unread, that’s all i’m going to say. )

Apropos of nothing (or “i can’t figure a way to segue neatly into this, so i’m just telling you”) : Since doing that post on using Twitter (and mentioning that i’ve never deleted a Tweet), i’ve done so many typos i can hardly believe it. I nearly deleted 4 posts they were so bad. Thought i’d mention that in case anyone thinks i’m MsTwitterPerfect, or that i think i am.

I forgot to mention – the way to do those neat short URL’s on Twitter (or anywhere else) is to go to TinyURL and it’s free. Or Google “URL shorteners” – there’s lots. I use another site – bit.ly – when i post my evil missives (blog posts) on Twitter – i can see at a glance how many people clicked on that URL, or if it got sent on and used in other places on the net.

As i said, I’d like to focus on religion and porn, but Mr Whatsit is watching Saturday TV and has ended up on a fashion program on the Lifestyle Channel. I think he’s waiting for Grand Designs.  “Glorified coathangers!” he’s shouting at the screen. And he keeps screaming in revulsion as skinny girls stagger in weird undulations down a catwalk. “My God! Clothes don’t look right on them!” Ahh, neat segue, Mr Whatsit.

So, religion, “opiate of the masses”? or is that football? Personally, i think it’s all just a distraction – sex too – if you’re obsessed with those, you won’t be thinking about how badly your country is being governed, or the numbers of poor going without basic healthcare while the christian church, a bloated monstrosity, is the richest entity on the planet.

Because obviously, if you did consider it, you’d be sick over how awfully unfair it all is, and unable to wank over the idea of kneeling under the priest’s lecturn and… “OMG she’s ANOREXIC!”

Yes, thanks, Mr Whatsit, completely broke my thread there. I realised that i promised politics and world domination, as well as religion and sex. Well, i did mention politics. So one to go.

World domination is simple, really – I’m the Antichrist, the Queen of Darkness – vote me for World Ruler. Any opposition will be Disappeared. I don’t intend to wipe them out.  They’ll be at church or the pub, searching for internet porn, and betting on the footy, just like they are now – wasting time getting het up about things that don’t matter.

There *wipes brow* more politics, more religion,
and perhaps a soupçon of egotistical rant.

Is it just me, or is it warm in here?

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

a coherent blog is slightly beyond my abilities

I’m still drugged out of my mind to stop my cold symptoms – don’t worry, i’ll be brief. I probably won’t be lucid. Hell, it’s the weekend, most of you are drunk, we’ll be fine.

Have been thinking how I don’t like being pigeonholed -  there’s more to me than my sexual choices – more than my religions, (I have several – one in which i am the religion), or my politics. Anarchist monarchist, for those who’ve just joined us.

I reckon i could take over Sydney and the Central Coast simply by getting the trains to run on time and nationalising the toll roads – a toll road shouldn’t be the only way to get to work within a reasonable time. And i’m forced to sing, “fun fun fun on the autobahn” for the 3% of readers who will get the joke.

I was thinking tanks at first – for the world domination thing – but they’re a bugger to park, or to get parts for, and it’s been suggested by a minion that the invasion force should go for Subaru Outbacks – 4WD, more reliable, not as obvious. Not armoured, but there’s not going to be much resistance – after all, we’re not going to be constrained by silly things like the police are (mostly)  – like not being supposed to shoot except in emergencies.

I reckon legalise everything, and tax it hard. Not guns – lol – you’re not getting those. What do you think, i’m joking about the monarchist part? Control will be important. *sweet smile* Just like in a democracy.

I’ll shoot the rich, of course. Well, celebrities to start with – they can be first to the wall. You can eat them if you want, but i reckon all that Botox and the fake tan probably makes them unfit for human consumption.

I was going somewhere with this argument, but then i realised, i wasn’t really arguing, i was just sorta laying out my plans for world domination. However, unless i actually go back to work on this book, there won’t be anything to fund the freaking revolution with.

Oh – before i go, favourite new Tweeter is … *goes to look up name*

OMFG! I just saw @TurnbullMalcolm is following me on Twitter! He’s Leader of the Aussie Opposition, to whom i sent a strange tweet, (detailed in “the bacon vanilla shake and other stories“) and then unfollowed, when he didn’t laugh. I hope he doesn’t start stalking me. I probably got him excited with all my talk of world domination.

*note to self* Must tone down the autocracy, talk of taking over the world is a turn-on for some people. Right wing blokes love handbagging biatchez like former British PM Margaret Thatcher. Reagan used to come in his pants every time Maggie clubbed one of her Cabinet to death.

Before i forget – best new follow is @WiggyExposed – the tweets of a shared house in Sydney – which doesn’t mind dealing the dirt on its residents.

Emma only weighs 53 kilograms thanks to her diet. Apparently souls are very low in calories.

Lachlan gave his old night gown* to Megan. Little does he know that it’s going straight to the Lachlan voodoo shrine in her room.

I run Wiggy Exposed at great personal risk. However, the truth needs to be heard! Emma eats the mice in the freezer!

* i checked with Lachlan, (on Twitter he’s @Warlach),
who assures me that the ‘gown’ is a dressing gown/kimono.

My favourite posts are…

The Wiggy love tree. Lachlan has slept with Megan who slept with Emma who slept with Tom who slept with Duncan who also slept with Lachlan.

No one has slept with Carl.

It’s early days, but already i’m hooked.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

The bacon vanilla shake and other stories

Twitter is still enjoyable – despite the Twoprahs (the people who only joined Twitter because @Oprah did.)

I’ve unfollowed rather a lot of people. Anyone i’ve Unfollowed – it doesn’t mean i hate you – perhaps just means i don’t think from what you tweet we have much in common. Unfollowing might be over something as innocent as talking about kids a lot – i don’t like *delicate shudder* children.

If you’re spouting something i consider to be wrong, i may correct you, but not if you seem to have a closed mind, and aren’t offering me any reason to look at your point of view rationally – no matter what your belief. Rather than rip you to pieces and tapdance on your still-quivering corpses, (or ‘argue’ as you Earthlings call it), i choose to unfollow.

I know how to persuade people to consider another point of view – it’s not by shouting back at them when they’re angry. The 140 characters of Twitter aren’t the forum for it. I still reply if people I’ve unfollowed speak to me – i check my @ replies at least once every Twitter visit.

Speaking of shouty people – I’m getting a little over the atheist faction on Twitter – for heaven’s sake, fundamentalist atheism is just like all the other fundamentalist religions. Yep, fucking boring.

If I wanted fundamentalists, I’d still be following the Christian conservatives I accidentally got tangled up with. (I was just doing a quiz!) At least they could talk about something other than God.

For instance, I’d never heard of a bacon and vanilla shake – yep, reckon they’ll have to let the Buckle of the Bible Belt out a little. I eventually unfollowed over the teabag protests.

I had no idea what was going on, but it was going on too much on my page. I was quite surprised they were into teabagging – i always thought that was a mostly gay thing, and no way was i going to look at footage of it.

Now, I know they’re not into gays – i’m not stupid. I’ve heard about Preparation H. Wait, that’s not right – oh yeah, Proposition Eight – well, if you say them aloud, you can see how i mixed them up.

Earlier i was talking to someone about haemorrhoids. In Australia i think they call it Rectinol. Preparation H, i mean, over here we call Proposition Eight ‘gay marriage’ and even the Labor Party is afraid of it (silly buggers).

As for why the conservatives hate gays – am pretty sure  gay people don’t allow bacon and vanilla shakes. Think about it, your favourite food, and they won’t stop whining about the saturated fat in the bacon, and did you make it with skinny milk?

Oh, there’s a more recent definition of teabagging - lol – you Americans and your funny ways – aside from putting your testicles in someone’s mouth, it was a political protest. Hmm – surely if they disagreed with you, they’d just bite your balls off?

Hmm… while we’re chatting, I feel i should make it clear, when i said fisting Oprah in the last post, i wasn’t talking about punching my fist in the air and cheering her on. Gosh, you must have been confused. This post’s no better. I’m going to need subtitles.

I have 250 people (and assorted bots) following me – about 90 of whom i follow back. And there’s another 90 ‘people’ i follow who don’t follow me back. Yep – the truth of Twitter – i don’t see the GUM unless they address me directly. (The Great Unfollowed Masses. Or MPRSH – aka Marketing, PR, Salespeople, and Hookers.)

If you’re in marketing? Don’t autofollow people for mentioning certain words – look at what they say. Following lots of people who don’t follow you back and not engaging with people who do follow you, (talking at them) is a major Twitter turn-off.

As evinced by my exchange with the Leader of the Opposition here in Oz @TurnbullMalcolm. Note, his staff didn’t get him a  good name, just his backwards. *rolls eyes* Makes you look like the Antichrist, Mal, and believe me, that’s fine if you’re me, but probably not so good for you.

Oprah’s staff got her @Oprah, Mal. You’re a millionaire many times over, buy some cool employees, instead of relying on people who vote Liberal. Or work in marketing.*snigger* (Liberal here is our version of the Nazi Republican Party – not liberal at all.)

He was talking about the current government’s new National Broadband Network (cost $43b), which i’ve blogged about before, and said it was “too good to be true”. I was stone cold sober, and said – directly to him…

teh fairywingz of ruddnet will take us to fairyland – except the unbelievers *looks at u* repent! (and can i borrow $43b?)
11:39 AM Apr 14th from web in reply to TurnbullMalcolm

And he didn’t laugh. *curls lip in scornful manner* I contemplated other posts. Or maybe i could send him this…

Maybe i wasn't clear...

However, the Feds are twitchy – they don’t do ‘joke threats to kill politicians’ really well, not since 9-11. Was a time, you could say “I put anthrax in the tea-urn!” and everyone would laugh.

Those were the days.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

i was hoping for sacred, but i hit profane

On the house rental search, I’ve seen two places in the last three days that i could live in, one was even under my budget. I can only assume that there aren’t any people left around here who can afford even cheap rentals, so prices are down. Yeehah, witness the revenge of the long-term-poor-without-debt. Oh, and praise be to Shadow Cat! I can afford to move.

To top it off, we even discovered a local area where there aren’t potholes in the roads. It was like driving into some magical fairyland, both of us saying, can you believe this? Anyone who’s driven into Budgewoi knows, the roads are freaking awful.

Suddenly, the urge to move is so strong. We’d both been burying it deep, as we didn’t think we could afford anything even ‘as good’ as the current place. It has to wait until after mid-May, when the last of three major bills are due. Still, at least we know there are some affordable places that look watertight – there weren’t last year. (This house leaks.)

I’m about to go do some sums, see if there’s any way we can manage moving before May. The owner is bound to try to put the rent up at Christmas, (has done for last 2 years), so want to be able to say “In your dreams!” *sounds of mocking laughter* Then i was going to run her over with the tank, but that’s still in the shop. A pacemaker exploded in the tracks – bloody pensioners, they’re the bane of my existence.

However, the agent, poor petal, does their best despite the cheapskate owner, so i won’t say that. (Obviously, i’m using ‘poor petal’ as a synonym for ‘selfish pig’.) *Runs over owner then backs up for round 2.*

In real life, I’ll bite my tongue (sometimes, discretion is the better part of valour – which means, i’m not stupid – though i’m full of freaking clichés). We’ve been brilliant tenants, and i want a good reference.

Passive-aggressive? Moi? (link is to a new favourite site, passive aggressive notes. For when you think you’re crazy – it’s nice to be reassured that you’re only halfway there.)
Actually, i edge into ultra-violence too frequently, lol.

Later…

Oh well *sighs* i knew having both cars with nearly the same registration date was a really bad idea. However, one step closer to moving – electricity bill out of the way, and joy, it was less than i was budgeting for by over a third. *does happy dance*

I get so annoyed when people say,” oh, i can’t budget”, like it’s optional - or “i don’t have enough money to live on, so no point trying to manage it.” Even the poor must budget. Or they will end up poorer – it’s guaranteed. Sticking your head up your arse and hoping for the best doesn’t work.

A friend of mine asked me to do a budget for her, and when i predicted she’d be five grand in debt inside a year, she actually said, I don’t want to talk about it any more, and went into debt for $12,000 instead. Her life is a constant struggle to survive, but she won’t fix any of her financial problems.

If that’s you? You need to grow up, learn to budget, face up to your debts, (organise a payment plan or declare bankruptcy if you need to), and live within your means. Frankly, if a percentage point (or less) of interest rise will break your budget, you can’t afford your current lifestyle.

Still, i doubt me saying it will make one blind bit of difference – instant gratification is all most people seem to care about. Others promote going into debt as a way to make money – lol – yes, that’s worked so well, hasn’t it? It gave us the World Financial Crisis, (or Greedy People FAIL, whatever you want to call it).

That’s what it is – all the people who thought they could get something for nothing -  a house they couldn’t afford with a loan they couldn’t afford from a bank who couldn’t actually afford to loan it, because they – like everyone else in the chain – were running on so much debt that any sane person (or a crazy person with basic arithmetic skills), might have gone a bit pale, at the least.

For years, it’s been obvious to anyone who wasn’t blinded with avarice that this was on its way – and i’m not an expert financially, (maybe i am, i can do a budget, and keep bookwork).

This is capitalism, kiddies – the poor get poorer, the rich get richer. And all the while, they promote the idea that if you’re not rich like them, it’s because you didn’t work hard enough. Enjoy.

P.S. as you can imagine, in this context, ‘kiddies’ is a synonym for
‘greed-soaked servants of the machine.’

This rant brought to you by the Queen of Darkness,
your friendly local despot and supreme being

Vote me for dictator – you know you want to.

I just read this over – hmm, maybe i am the Antichrist after all, lol.
Feck, that cheered me up.
*skips off to find chocolate and achieve my kind of Nirvana*

BTW – TwitterGrader is currently lying- i have 169 followers on Twitter.

© stinginthetale.wordpress.com

Sit on Kev’s face, and tell him you love him

I’m supposed to have a theme, make a commitment, and dust. *sighs* This blog is so wrong. Other people have themes. They restrict their ravings to specified subjects. They commit to blogging at set intervals, or set numbers of blogs per week. Feck, as if.

You’ll take what you’re given and be grateful for it, or face the Gleaming Instruments of Death. As they’re newly sharpened by Mr Whatsit, who’s a master metalworker, you’d better just suck it up.

Yep, the monthly hormonal overload is beginning. I know it doesn’t seem long since the last one, it’s not. Pfft, you think it’s tough reading it, I’m inside it, and Mr Whatsit has to live with it. It’s like being unconsensually drugged. I just get this weird impulsive behaviour thing happening. Like someone put LSD in my KoolAid. Still, there’s worse things they put in KoolAid.

In other news, the government’s announced they’re building a new optical fibre broadband network – they’re aiming at ‘up to 100 mbps’ which isn’t even fast. And saying it will take eight years. As was said on Twitter…

Warlach Honestly, 8 years? 100 mbs in 8 years? The rest of the world will be jacking directly into the net Matrix style by then #nbn

National Broadband Network = #nbn if you want to look up the Twitter stream on it. Makes me grumpy, i just want to vomit. Kev wants to reduce this country to a religious nutter’s paradise. *is sick on the prime minister’s shoes*

I was going to do you a badge, and the badge generator was down – omg, i had to do it by hand. Then i was too cranky to be funny. Serious – the best i came up with was this.

“when i said i had a net filter, 9/10 people though i was Chinese “

*sighs* And of course, the issue du jour is the national broadband network, so i’m not topical either. What can you say?

“Australia’s NBN – by the time we get it, everyone else will be telepathic”

“Why make the big phone company with the money pay for it, when there are stupid taxpayers around?”

“Rudd took away my nipples, but he gave me…. “

Toaster insertions are going to be verboten, there’s nothing i can do. This middleclass white girl is going to end up a criminal, purely so i can get past the filter and read my own freaking blog.

Pretty soon i’m going to be thinking, well, wtf, if i have to break the law to blog, i might as well break the law in other ways. Yes, i’m going to smuggle cheap Chinese nipples, flood the local market, and drive Aussie black market nipple producers out of business.

If i do it right, like organised crime does, i could even get about 20 years without being hassled too much by the cops, providing of course, i don’t expose people on the street to my imported nipples, and the resultant nipple wars. Must not let my nipples bash anyone to death in Sydney airport, they’d probably get miffed with me. The cops, i mean, not the nipples.

I wonder how much bribe money they will want to look the other way? (Again, i mean cops not nipples.) I better work out a rate per funbag. Oh, and then there’s the vag tax. Hadn’t you heard? Providing you keep yours in your pants, you pay the twat tax of 25% of annual income per vag (means-tested). Pants down, like to pee or something, spot fines of $100,000 and a max of 10 years gaol.

So from now on, all Australian women will pee through their undies or wear incontinence pads. Honest. Would i lie to you? Men are exempt, no todger tax, as nobody wants to look at men’s bits.

Well, remember, these people are born again Christians, they’re a bit like Queen Victoria, when told homosexuality and lesbianism were being made illegal. She said women didn’t do that kind of thing, so it was never made illegal in the UK. Rudd doesn’t know about gays, (and the words ‘anal sex” mean nothing to him), so penises and anuses will be legal in Australia, behind closed doors, of course.

Sex is completely illegal, except for procreation, so a woman over about 42 isn’t allowed to do it. You need to show proof of viable eggs and you will be filmed to make sure you aren’t enjoying yourself. You have to be 25 to start, so younger women will be offered a new government chastity belt, which from the model looks suspiciously like someone tied her legs together with string.

Drinking, smoking, and gambling are still legal (over 18) – can’t interfere with massive government revenue streams from taxing those worthy endeavours. There’s also been some talk about lowering the voting age to 16, as teenagers are even easier to lash into an emotional frenzy of stupidity than born again Christians and left wing voters are.

Welcome to Australia! *pause while the slow internet trundles along* Sunlit land of censorship… put your freaking underwear back on, lady!

lol – so i went back to Twitter, thinking i’d promote this post, and it was down. This day is perfect. Still, least i’m still laughing.

*finds Zen after drawing the Prime Minister’s face
being sat on by woman with large arse and emailing it to him*

There, he should get it by the weekend.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

damnation, i forgot to put in some rock’n'roll

I only lasted a day with Demi Moore. Even the hawt pics of Ashton Kutcher didn’t make it worthwhile. I kept expecting her to say, “Make $$$! Ask me how!” She was ReTweeting Tony Robbins – and i have to say, if i wanted to follow Mr Robbins, i’d do it myself.

As an experiment, I am following CeilingCat on Twitter, which is sad, but still way better than reading the comments on the pictures on icanhascheezburger. Never do this. You will disappear into the giant pink-ribboned vortex where people dress up their animals.

**********

On the weekend, after i said that i have one visitor to the front page per day,  there were people! *faints* 48 altogether on Sunday and 7 and 15 respectively on the first two posts. Of course, i hadn’t dusted for weeks – it’s the way it goes. *strokes my precious replies as though they were Persian cats and i was Mike Meyers*

Aside from those popping in after i’ve posted on their blogs, most are from Delicious. Woo, a bit of effort on Delicious seems to be paying off. Had to laugh – yes, most are here looking for the tags like ‘sex’. (Delicious gets better and better to use, too.)

About the sex – *takes off clothes and reveals…. a suit of samurai armour* sorry, i don’t do nudity. It’s in my contract.

I do discuss sex, on occasion, but I’m not very good to masturbate to, because most of the time I’m making jokes (which buggers up your rhythm), or getting angry over the Australian Government’s plans to introduce a net filter to stop you from ever again finding sex on your internet.

**********

I visited a weird part of Twitter, SecretTweet, where anonymous people confess to all kinds of things, and it’s quite fascinating, poignant, tragic, and funny. Sometimes all at once.

“secret #33916 1 day ago on April 3, 2009 – I think a close friend is suffering from depression but not an expert and scared to talk to her about it”

Heaven’s sake, dearie, if you can find Twitter, and spell depression, you can Google “depressed friend”. (Yes, i’m using dearie as a synonym for fucktard in that sentence.)

“secret #33871 1 day ago on April 3, 2009 – You’re going away this weekend to get laid & think I don’t know. What you don’t know is: while you’re away, I’ll be getting laid too”

Revenge is not a lifestyle choice. It’s a sad indictment of the death of a relationship. Why do so many of us lie to ourselves? I’ve done it as much as anyone, *shudders at memories* hence it getting on my wick. Lying through my teeth to myself about why i was there and why i didn’t need to leave. That’s what it comes down to. You need to get out. Act.

**********

A while back, i did a post I Visited the Nazi Party and Lived but it was really just some conservatives who were nice to me – (nice being a synonym for omg nobody killed me) but today i visited Wikileaks and saw what the real nazis are like. (Lost the link, but here’s the article in the SMH.)

It was scary to put it mildly. The fear was coming off those people in stinking, horrible waves. So busy blaming other people for everything wrong in their lives.

When it comes down to it – happiness is up to you. Life can be a bowl of freaking toenails – as Irma Bombeck said (but without the freaking) – and i can tell you this – wealth, success, and celebrity won’t happen to everyone.

However, Zen, joy in the moment, and the reason you’re here – to enjoy this physical plane, to love and learn – is right here, right now.

**********

Right, time to wind this up, who have I slagged off? Nazis, well, that’s not controversial, i’m pretty much riding with the pack there. People who commit adultery, people who are dishonest in relationships  – though note, i did admit i’m as stupid as the next person. I may have annoyed some proponents of Eastern religions, which wasn’t at all intentional. I may annoy some MLM people for denying a basic tenet of their religion.

Did i slip in sex, religion, and politics? We haz controversee! My work here is done. And i’ve used enough lolspeak to drive certain people completely demented.

*slips on kevlar vest and gets the fire extinguisher ready*

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

erm, they do have missiles, you know

I don’t usually bother with this kind of blog, but i happened to be on Twitter when it happened. Appearing on my screen was this from @pressdarling, an Aussie-based Tweeter.

“http://www.smh.com.au/ OMGOMGOMG CHECK OUT THE KIM JONG IL CAPTION OMGOMGOMG”

So of course, i looked -this was the Sydney Morning Herald’s front page.

supposed Sydney Morning Herald front page

And this is the pic close up. Kim Jong-Il is of course the dictator of North Korea which tested a missile over the weekend, and over Japan.

someone was bored, it was a sunday night

There just aren’t words, lol.

It’s gone already, but SMH say “US President Barack Obama has urged the regime to hold back [on testing missiles], saying the North must learn that “it can’t threaten the safety and security of other countries with impunity.” “

Or what, we’ll Photoshop you doing something bizarre? Yes, we’ll let the satirists take the piss. Ooh, i know, let’s call you names, that will work.

It’s supposedly a publicity stunt. Well, here’s one blog’s worth of publicity.

Postscript: Turns out he said that about himself. Whilst making smalltalk with a woman and her husband he’d had kidnapped from South Korea. The Sydney Morning Herald has more.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

(aside from the bits which belong to the SMH, obviously)