so, how big is your virtual penis?

I dropped in on the Bloggess’s blog – i want a Jenny doll that dispenses pills and vodka, is nearly raped by giraffes (that was a couple of months ago), screams at Victor, oh, yeah, and offers William Shatner a hooker *snigger*  – there’s a merchandising opportunity for someone.

WAIT! Don’t click that link, you’ll be gone for hours, read the rest of this one, then go enjoy the Bloggess.

She mentioned Robert Scoble (aka @Scobelizer) unfollowing people on Twitter. So, through Jenny, (as i then checked) i discovered Mr Scoble had unfollowed me – i was one of the 102,000. (This is me resisting the urge to scream SPARTA and attack Mr Scoble with a short sword.) He now only follows people he knows, fellow-geeks, and (powerful) people he admires. [note, i had to change the link after Mr Scoble removed the post - that link's on Mashable, and they also reference the post he removed.]

WAIT! Don’t click that link either, it’s not relevant. *takes the safety off the Hello Kitty Kalashnikov* Don’t make me shoot you before i give you the potted version.  Oh frick, i suppose you’re going to read it now.

It’s basically him saying omg how amazing, if you pay attention to who your followers on Twitter are, and don’t just follow back blindly, you have a better experience. Shock, horror! (Alright, so he has interesting bits on his blog you might like, i suppose you could look at it after you read The Bloggess.)

He followed TheBloggess back after a few hours. She’s both admirable and powerful (and should be getting megabucks *gives meaningful stare at those who have megabucks*), and he knows her in real life *sighs* triple whammy.

Anyway, i didn’t mind him unfollowing, it was silly of him to be following me, as we don’t talk; i’m not a geek (i am not! I haven’t programmed in a decade and i was never interested, I only did it because it was useful); i’m not famous or powerful, (yet); and anyway, i stopped following him back in about April. (I joined Twitter in mid March 09.)

We don’t actually have anything in common, aside from following @TheBloggess on Twitter. He’s a technological evangelist, I’m the Antichrist. Which probably means we do have things in common, but we haven’t figured that out yet. I’ve unfollowed people on Twitter only to discover months later that i really enjoy their tweets, and i refollow.

Interesting fact about Twitter that i learned from his blog – even with 1,000 people, you start losing tweets – that is, they don’t show up. I’ve noticed this at busy times (when the USA is online) with only 400 i’m following, and 500 followers.

Now, i don’t refollow automatically, (since the first time someone spammed me), and i block anyone who’s actually a spammer so they can’t follow me.

The ‘lost tweets’ do seem to show up later for me, but i don’t get that many @ replies in my tweetstream (check  out how many people are tweeting strange things @ someone famous – it’s scary) and most of my stream aren’t directed @ me. Still interesting that the more people, the less you’re able to actually communicate with them on Twitter.

Meanwhile, I’m thinking wow, he only just realised that being spammed on Twitter sucks. I was writing blogs on that months ago. We’re talking about a man who joined back in… ooh, was it 20 November 2006?

Evidently, when he was following 102,000 people or so, (he autofollowed everyone back), he kept getting spammed. As we’d say in Australia, “Dur, Fred.” (Means “I thought that was obvious.”)

He also got a lot of pure advertising on his main Twitter screen, (say it aint so! who knew?!) and since he unfollowed everyone, (then followed back who he actually wanted to follow – gosh, there’s a radical concept), he’s lost the advertising! And no-one is spamming his DM box!

Where’s the facepalm icon? Do you know anyone who facepalms in real life? I don’t. I am not sure I know how. WTF is a facepalm anyway? Excuse me while i consult the oracles. Oh, wait, i DO know what a facepalm is, we didn’t call it that before. (In real life, Mr Whatsit just facepalmed about something unrelated. Talk about life imitating art!)

Stop facepalming me!

Mind you, while you’re busy judging me for that blonde moment – there are 190 people commenting on this dude’s blog (though some also said their regional equivalent of  “Dur, Fred”).

Usually, not even 1 in 10 visitors comment, so the number of people reading him in a week is way more than my Beloved Visitors in total since March. *shines the Beloved Visitors and puts out the tea things* Yes, preciouses, you shall have crumpets with marmalade.

If i have ONE comment, i chuck a party! I get excited just knowing someone drops in EVERY day. Yes, you’re here looking for porn, but i don’t judge you! Actually, two people came here looking for “Malcolm Turnbull humour”and one for “bloody hello kitty” and there have been – as i predicted in previous posts – some lost ornithologists.

Porn visitors are still my main accidental market. *sighs* It’s the net, i really shouldn’t expect much more. Note the desperate, misspelled “real sex doll” hunters are out in force, but i do well from mentioning native animals – this is what Search Engine Optimisation experts don’t tell you – budgies are good for hits.

Feel i should add, i didn’t deliberately do this, it’s like the eunuchs, i was just expressing myself, said ‘penectomy’, and i’m suddenly picking up the nullification and castration market.

However, Beloved Visitor numbers are pleasing Her Majesty, as for no reason we can discern (you don’t always laugh at the bits we find hysterical), people are visiting – between 5-30 a day. We do better when we procrastinate on the book and play on Twitter, or if we can spare time to do blog posts and remember to promote them.

Mind you, many of Robert Scoble’s Beloved Visitors (or the Bloggess’s) who do comment are trying to promote their own websites, and it’s interesting watching all the schmoozing going on. But i’m left thinking, well, good thing this Scoble bloke can run a website, or he’d be screwed, cos in the real world, he’s a bigger blonde than i am. (If that hair’s natural, i think he is, literally.)

Businessweek.com pic of Robert Scoble (copyright Thomas Hawk)

Mr Scoble is an authority – evidently, *consults oracles again, using “robert scoble, authority, social media”* AND he was someone famous before last year. I had forgotten that last year even existed!

Now, ‘Technical Evangelist’ sounds like something made up, right? But no, they paid him, and all because he invented computers, the web, technical evangelism, worked for  Microsoft and dared to criticise them, and was head wrangler on the 9-MSN website.

But he didn’t know spam was boring shite something you’re better off without? Well, there you go. Explains a lot about the 9-MSN website, and about Microsoft.

I’ve blogged before about most people who are held up as authorities, or say they understand social media – don’t mean to include the Scobelizer in that, btw, he deserves credit for shanking Microsoft from within, for learning about his field (Twitter really is a better experience if you manage your followers), and for being like normal people, in putting off cleaning out his Twitter Followers.

I  respect procrastination, that’s a sign you’re not Tony Robbins , or someone suckered by the ‘everyone, get rich!’ bollocks of the multi-level marketers, with the sub-text of ‘if you’re not rich, it’s your fault’. (Subtext from me: do not punch the fucking air again, or i will kill you)

You may even deserve kudos for just getting out of bed in the morning. (The Scobelizer procrastinated so long, he had to get someone to write a program to delete that many. *suitably awed*)

Hopefully, he’s learned size isn’t everything. Size isn’t even that important – as any woman will tell you, it’s how you use what you’re blessed with that matters.

Men nearly always translate this into keeping their Followers up for hours.

Women usually mean oral sex, kissing, and good touching.
Nothing to do with Twitter at all.

********************

Feel i should mention, the above is mostly complete bullshit,
and meant as humour. Or even humor.

Follow Robert (Scobelizer) Scoble on Twitter
Follow @TheBloggess on Twitter
Follow @WilliamShatner on Twitter

Follow the war against William Shatner by TheBloggess’s followers,
(even crazier than she is, and yes, i’m proud to be one),
after he blocked her on Twitter, on her blog link at the very top of the page
or at the Twitter trend #UnblockTheBloggess

His side of it? He has a side? I think he just thought she was nuts.

[note: eventually, he unblocked her and the army could go home, or at least stop tweeting]

********************
Follow me on Twitter @stinginthetail

The rules are simple.
Laugh at my jokes, or die.

I’m actually very nice, seriously – my tweets are unlocked, you’ll see most of them are happy inoffensive poems about dwarves and fairies having race wars.

But don’t mention marketing opportunities or ways to whiten my Followers’ teeth, because i will block you before you can say “Make $$$ – ask me how!”

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

zomg, don’t look, dead man humping

The net is a strange place. On Twitter, I said that horsesex is a bit like the Spanish Inquisition. It made sense in the conversation i was having. I meant in the sense that one doesn’t expect it, but on Google, sadly, it’s become the norm to search for something like pink lipstick and end up with a woman and a doberman.

I’d landed on a wiki page (i’m not sure what part of the whole wiki thing i was in, i just remember seeing “wiki” – i know that it saying wiki did not mean it was Wikipedia) that contained a movie of a man trying to do it with a horse (or rather, letting the horse do him), and succeeding.

The text mentioned that the short movie i was watching (with my mouth hanging open, i might add, i was stunned), was the adventures of a man quite famous in animal porn circles. (No, i’m not posting a link to illegal things. If you can’t use Google, you don’t deserve your own illegal things, besides, i got freaked and cleaned my computer after that.)

He’d managed to make this movie into a kind of snuff film too, by getting so severely injured internally that he died later (so i read). I wasn’t thinking it was a hot movie, but i’d been impressed purely that he was actually doing it with a horse. However, that bit of news took all the lustre off it. I keep telling you, some things are supposed to stay fantasies.

Okay, so that particular bit of the net, i’d rather not have slithered into, but generally I love the serendipity, the happy chances that drive my searches off into wild and wonderful places. On the other hand, for those who hate vagueness, and weird connections, there’s a new thing.

Wolfram Alpha is not a new wolf porn site, but instead a new kind of search engine that actually calculates results for you, does graphs, has algorithms, and doesn’t show you horsesex when you’re looking for politics.

For instance, if you type your first name into Wolfram Alpha, (at least this happened to me), it will assume it’s a name, then tell you how popular the name is, and show you (among other graphs and charts and scientific links) a graph of popularity of that name over the last 100 years or so.

Unlike Google, which will usually give you meanings for that name, porn stars with that name, bloggers with that name, highschool kids on MySpace with that name, and so on, Wolfram Alpha gives you bare facts. It doesn’t tell  you how the name derives, for instance, but how many people were named it last year. It’s supposed to be curated data – checked by people.

Wolfram Alpha falls over pretty fast at the moment, or is very ethnocentric – i can flummox it by typing in Western Australia or Population of Western Australia, and it gives me data for Western USA.  Here’s the creator’s blog about how, why and what.

I typed in Australia, and got the population of Western Australia eventually, (my home state), but it’s a tad user-hostile to my mind. Very nice streamlined-looking pages. However, i don’t know where they’re getting this supposedly-curated data, because I know Wolfram Alpha is wrong when it says literacy is at 99% in Australia.

As in the rest of the Western World (USA, Europe) – it’s around 75% for basic literacy and numeracy, (can read road signs, simple menus, and count to 100). One in four can’t read or do very basic arithmetic. Only about 50% of people can actually read well enough to understand a novel or a long blog post, or have the numerical skills to sort out their credit card or bank statement. Those are some shocking statistics.

Anyway, so despite the slickness, am not so far impressed with Wolfram Alpha – and its pretence at being the only answer or result, and the correct one, is downright misleading. It sited Canberra (Australia’s capital) some distance to the east of where it is, though that may be the fault of Google Earth which it was linked to.

Google Earth is rather notorious for not putting things where they should be, but it’s a good basic aerial map – though if you want accuracy and directions, I use Whereis.com but take into account (at least locally), that if they say 35 minutes travelling time, it will be closer to 40-45.

There are a few things that have come up with Twitter lately – things i knew, that other people didn’t. For instance, in this example, me typing to asilannax (who i’m just using in this example, not because she was someone i gave a tip to) about Gene Simmonds of Kiss….

stinginthetail @asilannax did you see him on the rock school programs? he comes across as really good at his craft
less than a minute ago from web in reply to asilannax

See the In Reply To Asilannax link? That means you can click on it and see what she typed that i replied to. Then you can click if she replied to me and see what i said. Yes, it’s basic, but took me a little while to find it, and several people i’ve spoken to didn’t know about that function.

In similar spirit, something else people don’t always realise – instead of automatically following back people who follow you, click on their name and look at their Profile Page. It shows you their Tweets too. So you can tell usually if they’re someone that you’d like to follow, just by what you read. Means you don’t have lots of marketers in your list.

Tip with marketers (or anyone else filling your screen with what you don’t want to see) – just Unfollow them. On their Profile Page (click on their name) under their Picture is a link to Follow or Unfollow – unfollowing takes 2 clicks to accomplish. There are many intersecting worlds on Twitter – there are people playing quiz games, talking about what’s on TV, or what’s in the news. If any of them really aren’t your thing, just Unfollow.

Same with anyone who sends you Direct Messages (DM’s, Twitter’s version of the Private Message), that are just trying to spam you, or send you to their marketing website. Once you stop following them, they can no longer DM you.

Not all spammers are nasty evil creatures at first glance – some are quite chatty and charming – it’s how they manage to get under people’s guards and onto their Twitter lists, then charge them for attending conferences and seminars on the new media and wealth-creation or how to get traffic to your website.

Yes, you too can make money, by suckering getting other people to buy the marketing guru websites, like the guy a step above you did to you. Me, i prefer to make friends (and Valuable Acquaintances) instead. I’ve been making friends on the net (then meeting them in real life) for over a decade – i know others who’ve been doing it for over 20 years. Twitter’s just a new method, before Twitter there were chat rooms and instant messengers.

One thing – maybe a difference due to age (am 48) – i don’t consider people i know on the net ‘real friends’ until we meet in real life. Until then, no matter how much i like them, i’m aware that they may be misrepresenting themselves. Like i said, i’ve been meeting people in real life for over a decade – weirdly, some people lie a lot. I’m better than i used to be at picking the really fake ones, but i still get fooled sometimes.

It’s always a relief when i meet someone in real life who’s pretty much as they are online – nothing worse than a ‘life of the net-party’ person who turns out to be so shy they don’t speak, or is so different from who they pretend to be online it’s hard to see it’s the same person. Like they’re shorter and heavier than they said, and a redhead not blonde, wearing a wedding ring when they said single, and so on. The online pic might be them, 10 years ago.

I am who i am in real life. Yep, bossy, loud-mouthed, (or if i was a man, i’d be assertive, lol), and with a tendency to know the answer. (And not too proud to Google when i don’t.) It’s funny, but i’ve been abused for knowing the answers to questions – the ignorant and the stupid really are the ignorant and the stupid.

Being the Queen of Darkness – which is not a hereditary post, i have to work for it – isn’t all beer and skittles. I have to listen to my subjects – Mr Whatsit gets cranky if i don’t pay attention to him at least once a day.

Other Twitter tips? We all know that if you’re quoting a Tweet you put RT @personsname, right? Just checking, as i’ve seen a number of what looked like attempts to ReTweet that made it look as if a person was typing a reply, not quoting. So if i say “sod off” and you RT that, it’s

RT @stinginthetail sod off.

That also means, if i say RT @username what is the weather like in Rio? that means @username wants to know – i don’t. So don’t send the info just to me, or i’ll have to RT it on your behalf to the person who asked.

With some Twitter clients, you’ll see (via @username) when someone’s quoting another person – which is the rather stupid way it shows RT’s – stupid because there’s an accepted format, and it’s not sticking to it.

The changes to Twitter mean that unless you’re following whoever i’m typing to – when i put @ on the front of the post – you don’t see that post unless you click on my name to see all my posts.

I sometimes put a character in front of the @ (like .@) if i want all following me to see it, if a conversation i’m having involves several. Don’t do it all the time – people who preferred the old option to not see all posts will unfollow you.

If you want to see if anyone’s replied to a question, perhaps it’s been there for 30 minutes, and you know the answer, but don’t know if it’s been answered, click on the name to see if they’ve perhaps answered someone that you can’t see. Alternatively use the Search on the right of the Twitter home page. Paste the person’s name in, click Search, and you’ll see all @replies to them.

Yes, basic stuff, but I keep running into people who haven’t figured them out. Not all of them were apparent to me when i first started using Twitter. It’s like any program, some people find functions, others don’t.

Once people figure out the basics, many stop learning how to use the program, or they misunderstand what commands do. And most are still convinced that somewhere on the keyboard there’s a button that starts the computer’s Self-Destruct sequence.

I’m getting used to Twitter’s changes, and can see the advantages, but i still like to see all the tweets of people i follow – i follow them because i’m happy to put up with all they say, even if some of it is not of interest to me. I only follow people i can stand reading. Gosh, i’ve rambled on a bit, time to prune this post and wind it down.

A last thought on Wolfram Alpha – if i hadn’t Googled “funny fascist” and ended up on Jenny The Bloggess’s blog, (she was calling her vet a fascist) my world would have missed a lot of what’s made me laugh hard in the last six months or so. I also wouldn’t have been sure that i’d be alright out on the net, and might have instead stayed blogging only on a site where everyone was supposed to be adult.

It would also have taken me longer to join Twitter, which i basically joined so i could read more of The Bloggess. Yes, i too am a sad stalker, but everyone on Twitter is – the one thing we all have in common.

I love how Twitter and Google bring the chance of synchronicity (meaningful coincidence) – showing us what we need to see, instead of what perhaps we were looking for.

Though i do wish Google had a more filtered search option than just Safe Search On or Safesearch Off. Sometimes it would be nice to put
“no snuff films, pls, Google, kthxbai.”

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

tweet me a river…

While i’m in the mood to explain things (see last post for Tips on Starting a Blog), here’s my take on Twitter. I joined it on March 14th (i think), and i enjoy it.

Twitter is not a chat room though it might seem like one. It’s like a river of words running past, or a big party/coffee shop/dinner party going on, and you’re there. Unless someone ‘protects updates’ (so you can’t see their Tweets), you can see anyone’s words in the Tweetstream, if you know their Twitter username.

When you join Twitter, they offer you some selected celebs and interesting folk to start your list. You can always access Twitter’s ‘Suggested Tweeters’ list using the Find People link later, but check some boxes and move on.

You can also UnFollow people – i’ve at various times added Al Gore, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, and Australian politicians, then removed them – they didn’t amuse meh. Oh – and you can block. I have Oprah on Block. Yeah, it’s an empty gesture, but i enjoy it.

Once you’ve seen the front page, click on Settings, and put up a pic -some kind of avatar. People don’t mind  you having a pic of something non-human, someone famous, (providing you’re not pretending to be the ‘real’ famous person), or a caricature, long as you have something they can recognise you by. Don’t put pics that will make people sick. (I”ve unfollowed 3 people because of stupid pics.) Put in a link to your website if you have one. If you’re with wordpress, don’t forget to put the http:// before your site name.

Once you catch your breath, you can experiment with new Twitter backgrounds, changing your text colours (there’s a reset button, you can always switch it all back), and as you look at other people’s Twitter pages, you’ll see the possibilities, and also the mistakes people can make.

Save your changes, and look at the front page again (click Home or Twitter). Click on someone’s name, look at their Twitter page, with their updates, and a button to click if you want more. It’s easy to unFollow someone. Two clicks under their pic.

The way Following works – unless i’m following you back, if you follow me then you see my updates, i don’t see yours, unless you put an @ in front of stinginthetail, or use the Reply option on the post, and say something to me. I may still miss it. It may be a day before i spot it, (though it’s easy enough to miss a post), and either, smile, frown, laugh, think, roll my eyes, and/or maybe, decide to answer you. Sometimes, there’s no need. (It’s not a chat room, remember?)

I like to acknowledge people, but i’ll also  ReTweet – this also shows you i saw you. I RT if your post is good in my opinion – but don’t forget, if i can’t reduce it to 140 characters including your username, it won’t get RT’ed.

stinginthetail RT @pressdarling How do you cure #swineflu? WITH OINKMENT!

Everyone knows, it’s not my post, it’s his, and i’m just sharing something. Sometimes, people will thank you for the RT, but not always – it’s not required but can be the polite thing to do. EDIT : to make it clear. I thank people who RT my blog posts – it’s not necessary to thank people for just RT’ing a funny/interesting tweet of yours. However, businesses thank people for every business RT.

Here we are at your first post – usually people say, well here i am on twitter, or is this thing on? or words to that effect. And you click that Update button. Your words are in the Tweetstream.Usually, you wish you’d said something else.

Meanwhile on Twitter, someone’s picked up the ReTweet post i did. I got a credit too, which is nice, you don’t always – when this happens, people (who don’t follow me, so can’t see me) get to see and they may follow.

SolidAltar RT @stinginthetail: RT @pressdarling How do you cure #swineflu? WITH OINKMENT!

You begin to learn a lot about marketing, particularly MLM (multilevel marketing), and PR. Quite by accident. Lots of marketing people have trends they follow – if you say words like sex, marketing, PR, MLM, or even beer - someone will click Follow on your profile to sell you something. Oh – try not to say God. Or religion.

When you finally get the courage up to talk to someone, don’t expect people to answer, to laugh at your jokes, to reply right away (if at all), if you laugh at theirs, or to Follow you back just because you follow them, send a post, or RT one of theirs. However, it does happen, a famous person tweeted back at me.

I nearly fell off my chair, secure as i’d been in the knowledge that by tweeting at celebrities, the rightfully famous, and the wannabes, i’d never be noticed. I managed to stammer something back, as it was a serious discussion subject.

That was it, so far (i talk to lots of others, just not him lately) – i haven’t had anything to say to him. Tweeting at people – when you don’t have anything to say, or you don’t show any signs of having been following their tweets, or have decided to sell them something – will get you blocked.

The more used to Twitter you get, the longer it’s likely to take you to start following people back. I decide like this. I see i have  more followers (i have my email set up to let me know – you can stop these reminders, but i find them useful, as i don’t have to read them, i just delete them unread), and look at their Twitter page. Nothing there? Do they have a website?

Do they Tweet? If they’re not talking, unless their site’s something i like a lot, i don’t refollow. Likewise, if all they do is crack jokes, and don’t engage with their followers, i’m not really interested either, no matter how funny they are – i’m not into ego-feeding on that level.

You can see if they talk back simply by clicking on their name – are any of their Tweets marked ‘in reply to’ with another person’s @username in it? This function is good, click the link, see what’s being replied to. Are any of their @ posts answered? I like to open all links in new windows/tabs, so i don’t lose the original person i was interested in. If you like what you see, click Follow.

If all of their posts are RT’s, likewise, you may find them interesting, to help you branch out into following new people, but it may get boring if that’s all they do. A lot of Twitter is posting off-Twitter links – people who send me to marketing sites get unfollowed fast. (Not all marketing people are incapable of interaction. Some are just like normal people.)

Before you know what’s happening, you’ll have lots you follow, and some who follow you back. Some people Follow everyone back, and instead of looking at the Twitter home page, use various searches (and separate programs) to filter the Tweetstream. Twitter’s just brought in their own version of this – with searches on the front page, trending topics, and hashtags # – which is another way of showing a topic.

You can’t force Twitter to pay attention to you. Usually, don’t RT yourself. I tend to unfollow those who retweet their own quips or post the same post over and over. However, if someone’s in a band, say, i don’t mind them RT’ing themselves to promote the band – i’ll even RT to help out.

I tweet that i’ve done a new blog post. If i do it late at night, i’ll do another in the morning – which covers most timezones. I need to cater to Australian and USA waking hours – they’re more than 2/3 of my blog visitors and my Tweetstream. I warn my followers if it’s a blog post i’ve promoted before, “this is the one about nipples” say, so they should remember if they’ve read it.

On the main page, other options on the menu are @stinginthetail which shows me tweets using my name – when i remember to look. Next is Direct Messages which shows me my DM’s – Twitter’s version of the private message. You can only DM someone who is following you.

Then Favorites, which shows you posts you’ve clicked the Favorite link on – (i don’t use this much so far, but it adds to their popularity). All posts have Favorite and Reply links – and your own posts will also have a Trash button. You can delete, but someone’s already seen it. I’ve never deleted a post. I figure bad typos, and things which in hindsight are stupid, are par for the course and let it stand. Someone may already be RT’ing it.

If you have a business name, or want to get your own name, then join now, you don’t have to use it yet. Watch the Twitterverse flow, follow links to other people, the web, and find more people to Follow.

You’ll find a person who laughs at a joke you make, or says, hey, i do know where you can find one of those. You’ll make friends and what i call VA’s – Valued Acquaintances. These are people who i ‘know’ but am not close to. They may retweet my funnies, be part of a crowd I follow many of, but may have never talked much, corresponded privately, etc.

Amongst them are people who don’t follow me back and have never shown any signs of noticing i exist. I’ve cracked jokes/been helpful/said something cool @ them, they’ve ignored me- even if other people have retweeted. They’re not my mates in any way, shape, or form. I’m just stalking them. I’m hanging around them at the ‘party’ and listening. They don’t hate me, they just don’t want to follow me.

I mentioned, Twitter’s not a chat room. You don’t tend to get the unending streams of helloes and goodbyes – in fact, anyone who does this much is a quick Unfollow.

Once you get more than a few followers, you’ll start thinking, omg, i can’t keep track, who are these people  -are any of them following me? Who’s following me who i haven’t followed back that i might like to?

I recommend Twitter Karma – easy-to-use site that makes it easy to see all Followers on one page, and Unfollow or Follow, just by checking a few boxes then doing a bulk action. They have a direct ‘sign in with Twitter‘ link (that only Twitter-trusted companies get) but that may be down – this is due to Twitter rejigging their sign-in process to prevent hacking, not because they don’t trust Twitter Karma.

For such a small thing, Twitter takes some explaining.  I’ve cut over 2,200 words down to about 1,800. Arrgh. Next post is going to be back to simple subjects, like world domination, religion, politics, and sex!

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

how to be a very public joke…

Someone said my blog posts were getting very short – well, it was a temporary aberration. This one is “packed lunch and a waterbag” time. I’ve had time to read, thanks to being too sick to do much else – gosh, tis fascinating, other people’s squabbles. You don’t have to follow the links to get the gist of this – but they’re there if you want them.

There have been some entertaining catfights in the Sydney media scene (the Mumbrella site has been reporting the spats, and the links below are all to their articles/posts). A lot of the warfare is over who twooly has their finger on the pulse of the new media and are twoo soshal meejah gurus – cos ya gotta be a guru or a guerilla or an entrepreneur – and who’s just cashing in, man. This battle is one that goes on in every ‘scene’ - we are more real than you!

It’s being said that some people are not joining Twitter, and having social media get-togethers, just because they’re fun people, oh no – they just want to make themselves look good. *sudden intake of breath* That’s right, some evil meejah peeps are trying to manipulate public opinion! OMG.

It’s suspected they may be holding events to make themselves more attractive to clients. This is obviously completely against everything the marketing, PR, TV, journalism, and advertising worlds stand for. Sponsorship or even participation, for personal gain? Say it ain’t so!

Now, aside from possibly chatting with or following some of these people on Twitter, i don’t know them. I don’t know what they do, really, other than make snarky comments about each other. However, i do know this – being that nasty about people doesn’t make you look like a social media guru, or even like an adult. It makes you look like a bitchy schoolchild.

A few years back, i went to a multimedia conference. Not one of the experts could tell me in simple English what multimedia was. I found myself doubting my own understanding – if all these experts didn’t know, maybe i didn’t either. However, it’s this simple.

multimedia –noun (used with a singular verb)

1.	the combined use of several media, as sound and full-motion video in computer applications.

Instead of simplicity and making their speeches accessible, they drowned their meaning in catchphrases, buzzwords, and jargon. The conference was an education in the puffed-up power of bullshit – the other people attending were mystified, but were pretending that the Emperor was wearing clothes.

Lately I’ve been hearing social media experts unable to speak in plain English when asked for a quote – this exposes them as well as the Emperor’s lack of clothes did. You can’t teach people to use the new media if all you can do is speak in buzz words.

I gathered that the experts quoted on on Mumbrella meant – let us help you make your company look good online, and teach you to use the likes of Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube along with your own (interactive) web presence – like a website and people who Tweet. Mind you, that’s just an educated guess. I have no real idea. (I checked Wiki and various other sources for a less wordy explanation, and got nowhere, lol.)

I heard a ‘social media guru’ interviewed a couple of weeks ago. What is social media? Instead of being enthralled by an enthusiast, I found myself laughing at nudity. Salespeople – they master the field-specific jargon just enough. Ever tried to buy a stereo? A car? A horse? Clothes? Anything?

Baffle you with bullshit is the name of the game. If you know your subject, the salesperson either morphs into a fellow-enthusiast (a pleasure to buy from), or someone out of their depth. It’s no use being able to dribble a string of jargon. When someone says, yes, and what does that mean? and all you do is dribble more, you look like  a twat.

The ones who need to probably won’t read this – they’re too busy Retweeting the latest marketing guru on Twitter. Copying tweets and RTing them is a common part of Twitter interaction – but it shows up the relentless self-publicists, and those trying to suck up to celebrities or the successful. These are the kind of publicist types having meetings with clients where they persuade the company that to put their name out there is the important part, it doesn’t matter if one gets negative attention.

This is the biggest lie in social media. And shows how little they know. Just being mentioned is not enough – this is the new media – you need to know what they’re saying. If they’re saying, your company does fucked ads and your products suck, it is not “just as good” as them saying, omg, i love this company, and their product is just fanfuckingtastic.

When a company is associated with something negative - like Amazon recently when they removed all gay and lesbian texts from their online database – like many people online, if it’s something i care about, I spread the word. I tell my friends,  I Tweet it, put it on web pages, blog about it, and resolve that i won’t buy that product or use that service in a hurry. There are plenty of others like me – we like outing bullshit.

I appreciate it when people do this – i often don’t get what’s really happening the first time round. Especially in Australia, where i’m missing 15 years of cultural experience due to being an expat. The thing that hasn’t been covered in Social Media 101 (what  unfortunate initials – SM is sadomasochism), is that the new media removes a lot of the bullshit surrounding marketing your image to the world.

If you act like a petulant child in the public domain, if you treat your audience like fools – it’s much harder to do it without people noticing. Even if they don’t understand at first, there’s always someone who’ll take the trouble to explain.

Suddenly, a lot of people realise
that you’re naked and talking shite.

That’s the beauty of the internet. And the horror, also.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

The bacon vanilla shake and other stories

Twitter is still enjoyable – despite the Twoprahs (the people who only joined Twitter because @Oprah did.)

I’ve unfollowed rather a lot of people. Anyone i’ve Unfollowed – it doesn’t mean i hate you – perhaps just means i don’t think from what you tweet we have much in common. Unfollowing might be over something as innocent as talking about kids a lot – i don’t like *delicate shudder* children.

If you’re spouting something i consider to be wrong, i may correct you, but not if you seem to have a closed mind, and aren’t offering me any reason to look at your point of view rationally – no matter what your belief. Rather than rip you to pieces and tapdance on your still-quivering corpses, (or ‘argue’ as you Earthlings call it), i choose to unfollow.

I know how to persuade people to consider another point of view – it’s not by shouting back at them when they’re angry. The 140 characters of Twitter aren’t the forum for it. I still reply if people I’ve unfollowed speak to me – i check my @ replies at least once every Twitter visit.

Speaking of shouty people – I’m getting a little over the atheist faction on Twitter – for heaven’s sake, fundamentalist atheism is just like all the other fundamentalist religions. Yep, fucking boring.

If I wanted fundamentalists, I’d still be following the Christian conservatives I accidentally got tangled up with. (I was just doing a quiz!) At least they could talk about something other than God.

For instance, I’d never heard of a bacon and vanilla shake – yep, reckon they’ll have to let the Buckle of the Bible Belt out a little. I eventually unfollowed over the teabag protests.

I had no idea what was going on, but it was going on too much on my page. I was quite surprised they were into teabagging – i always thought that was a mostly gay thing, and no way was i going to look at footage of it.

Now, I know they’re not into gays – i’m not stupid. I’ve heard about Preparation H. Wait, that’s not right – oh yeah, Proposition Eight – well, if you say them aloud, you can see how i mixed them up.

Earlier i was talking to someone about haemorrhoids. In Australia i think they call it Rectinol. Preparation H, i mean, over here we call Proposition Eight ‘gay marriage’ and even the Labor Party is afraid of it (silly buggers).

As for why the conservatives hate gays – am pretty sure  gay people don’t allow bacon and vanilla shakes. Think about it, your favourite food, and they won’t stop whining about the saturated fat in the bacon, and did you make it with skinny milk?

Oh, there’s a more recent definition of teabagging - lol – you Americans and your funny ways – aside from putting your testicles in someone’s mouth, it was a political protest. Hmm – surely if they disagreed with you, they’d just bite your balls off?

Hmm… while we’re chatting, I feel i should make it clear, when i said fisting Oprah in the last post, i wasn’t talking about punching my fist in the air and cheering her on. Gosh, you must have been confused. This post’s no better. I’m going to need subtitles.

I have 250 people (and assorted bots) following me – about 90 of whom i follow back. And there’s another 90 ‘people’ i follow who don’t follow me back. Yep – the truth of Twitter – i don’t see the GUM unless they address me directly. (The Great Unfollowed Masses. Or MPRSH – aka Marketing, PR, Salespeople, and Hookers.)

If you’re in marketing? Don’t autofollow people for mentioning certain words – look at what they say. Following lots of people who don’t follow you back and not engaging with people who do follow you, (talking at them) is a major Twitter turn-off.

As evinced by my exchange with the Leader of the Opposition here in Oz @TurnbullMalcolm. Note, his staff didn’t get him a  good name, just his backwards. *rolls eyes* Makes you look like the Antichrist, Mal, and believe me, that’s fine if you’re me, but probably not so good for you.

Oprah’s staff got her @Oprah, Mal. You’re a millionaire many times over, buy some cool employees, instead of relying on people who vote Liberal. Or work in marketing.*snigger* (Liberal here is our version of the Nazi Republican Party – not liberal at all.)

He was talking about the current government’s new National Broadband Network (cost $43b), which i’ve blogged about before, and said it was “too good to be true”. I was stone cold sober, and said – directly to him…

teh fairywingz of ruddnet will take us to fairyland – except the unbelievers *looks at u* repent! (and can i borrow $43b?)
11:39 AM Apr 14th from web in reply to TurnbullMalcolm

And he didn’t laugh. *curls lip in scornful manner* I contemplated other posts. Or maybe i could send him this…

Maybe i wasn't clear...

However, the Feds are twitchy – they don’t do ‘joke threats to kill politicians’ really well, not since 9-11. Was a time, you could say “I put anthrax in the tea-urn!” and everyone would laugh.

Those were the days.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

the many faces of the Twitterverse

I wrote this.

the sky is black, watching people run to escape the rain come howling over the lake, only dandelions still dancing out there

Sometimes on Twitter, someone says something beautiful. My thanks to @cataractmoon for telling me he liked it, which prompted me to read it over, and realise i liked it too.

Me, i’ve been calm, reading detective fiction. I’ll be the cool protagonist, at least i will when the hero is cool. And funny too. Most things i like – and men i like – are funny.

That’s what books are for. Lovely escapist stuff, whether heavy or light. I become the hero or anti-hero or the chick being chased by the Mob, just for a while.Or i lose myself in other ways, distracted from the world.

Instead of having to take crap from people, i shoot them in the head. Or when feeling evil, both feet. Or run them over with a tank. *happy thoughts*

The big news on Twitter has been @aplusk (Ashton Kutcher) hitting a million followers, *sound of gagging* and people trying to make out the new social media has triumphed. Perhaps that should be Twiumphed. It is a twiumph for young Ashton, although he did say it was for all his followers – however, he doesn’t follow back.

The Queen of Darkness points out that she could get a million followers just by saying keywords like sex and marketing – he had to beg and do webcasts. And get Oprah to use Twitter. (Her staff had the account ready – there are a lot of wannabe Oprah’s on Twitter already who would have grabbed @oprah if they could.)

Oprah’s perfectly suited to the overhyped world of the multi level marketer salespeople who infest Twitter - make money, ask me how! find god, ask me how! retire early, ask me how! lose weight, ask me how!

The supposed people’s movement came out sounding very orchestrated, and people on Twitter, as people online do enjoy doing, began to rebel. @TheBloggess (read her very funny blog here) posted

I just preemptively blocked @Oprah.

So I did too – hey, I’m easily led, and did think it was an excellent idea. And brothers and sisters, i must confess – it felt good. We were taking back Twitter from the celebs. Of course, it being the weekend, things went downhill from there.

Someone (allegedly Australian, no, it wasn’t me) started the #fistingoprah trend which did well for about 24 hours. It led to comments like this one – from me…

i’m thinking, if we want to get serious we’re going to need industrial quantities of lube – oh, and a winch #fistingoprah

Then @Dewayne1A said,

How much would you need and should i remove my watch first? learning to #fistingoprah

I include his post to prove that it wasn’t just me. I replied,

depends how much she fights you – and if you go for anal #fistingoprah

There were screams of horror. And of course, the one that got retweeted was this one below – when i was at my most flippant, suggesting ways of making the #fistingoprah hashtag movement go viral.

anal #fistingoprah might have more resonance – let’s face it, most ppl here are men lkg 4 backdoor action

I wasn’t even drinking. I scared some folks. The idea of backdoor Oprah freaked them out badly. We’re talking possible lawsuits for mental trauma. Hey, if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of Her Majesty’s Tweetstream.

Boy, was i glad i got the whole “following Ashton Kutcher” thing out of my system last week! People trying to unfollow him can’t do it – Twitter is broken just for him (you can unfollow anyone except Ashton) – so maybe he doesn’t have that many followers.

People got excited over Oprah – was like Jesus was visiting. Someone said that Oprah said, “Gayle, go get me a Twinkie.” However, when i went to check the wording, her first post was

HI TWITTERS . THANK YOU FOR A WARM WELCOME. FEELING REALLY 21st CENTURY .

All in caps, huh?  What a noob. I have been on Twitter since… about mid-March? Yep, March 14th i think. I’m old in the Twitterverse. Four weeks! (I have however been online for over a decade.)

I did some research – other people on the web say Oprah’s first tweet was indeed  “Gayle go get me a twinkie.”

Hmm, has history been rewritten? Well, no – you see, it’s not Oprah saying it. When it’s a quote, it’s @Oprah.  @1938media were making a joke.

Me, i liked “Gayle, go get me a twinkie.” I reckon Oprah should have gone for that.

I’d quite like my first tweet as world ruler to be something intimate, let people think they know the real me. I even liked the intertextuality of it. I loved how it gave a wee nod to this famous lolcat.

from http://icanhascheezburger.com

Anal fisting, poetry, a lolcat, and celebrity gossip. Damn, i spoil you all.

I’ve had so much fun #fistingoprah, i’m not sure what could top it.  The voices-outside-my-head say not to worry, but the voices-inside-my-head are trying to shoot me with the tranquiliser gun.

Nobody panic.

*********

As this blog is posted, these are the hottest #topics on Twitter – this afternoon, #herebeforeoprah was top – a less invasive version of #fistingoprah – then the Formula One came on, (Chinese Grand Prix), and people began to focus on the important things. #asot400 is part of a 72 hour trance music festival, and Susan Boyle is a newly-discovered singer.

#f1, #asot400, Susan Boyle, Red Bull,

#herebeforeoprah, Player Snapshot, Webber, Ferrari, Coachella, Goodnight

The Twitterverse united by sport and music – and a love for Twitter.
It’s quite sweet, really.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

lying and misrepresentation make u immoral scum…

Yep – they do. It’s like when you copy someone’s words and pretend they’re your own to get kudos from people. Faking it is fucked.

Was reading this today- Name ‘Em And Shame ‘Em, by @cameronreilly on Twitter – i didn’t hear about the fake video in question until i read his post. (links to the vid and various other sites on the link Name ‘Em And Shame ‘Em.)

The gist of it -  a Sydney ad agency ( Naked Communication) made a viral vid and put it on youtube -  supposedly a girl trying to find a guy she’d fallen in love with at first sight, who’d left a jacket in a restaurant. She wanted to return the jacket, and give twoo love a chance. It turned out to be a way of raising awareness of a clothing brand called Witchery.

Instead, it made around a quarter of people like the brand less, but Naked Communication said this was successful, because it had raised their client’s profile. Even Witchery was quoted as saying this was a good result. Nobody’s mentioned if sales went up – funny that.

A lot of people don’t agree that this is defensible – they say lying and deceiving people, and manipulating them like that, are wrong. Personally, i’m real tired of misleading and lying adverts. I’m also heartily sick of mlm scum.

They say it’s advertising, it’s marketing, it’s PR – any publicity is good, right?

Wrong, wombats - because Witchery just went to the bottom of the list of companies i’ll ever buy from.  I’ll also do my bit to pass the info along, like i’m doing here – don’t buy from these people – their contempt for the viewing and buying public shines through.

So – would you buy from a company that thought you were a stupid twat?

I wouldn’t. And i won’t.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

the only certainty is uncertainty

I keep forgetting that i should read my stats like a story – one i’m not emotionally involved in. It makes no sense. There’s no rational reason for the highs and lows, at least none i can see. I do notice little peaks when i post my blog on Twitter, but i only do that once for each blog.

That’s the thing with Twitter – you want to offend people? Self-promotion is an easy way to do it if you get the angle wrong. I feel like my Tweeple – the ones i follow who also follow me – are becoming friends or at least valued acquaintances.

So with friends, (or VA’s) i can say look i wrote a blog – but to hassle them? Nooo. And to harass someone (Follower or not), by sending them a direct message (private message) trying to sell my blog? *shudders* How fricking rude.

I’m up to my neck in people (who i’m not Following back), who are super-sure they can sell me something, thanks to me saying a few key words (there are programs that search for words in the Tweetstream so marketers can target their victims suckers marks clients).

The thing about the search programs, is they don’t get sarcasm, or even abuse. So of course, i’ve got heaps of multi level marketers, and people who want to maximise my earning potential. If you were MLM, would you want to follow a person who said this…

“i wrote u an anthem *sings the mlm song* stupid ppl pay my bills, stupid ppl heal my ills, are u as stupid as a cow? Make $$$! ask me how!”

Or this…

“me saying all mlm people deserve to drown in lava does not mean ‘follow me’”

or this,

“go stick your head in a bucket, mlm scum”

or,

“i am the Antichrist, it says so in my write up – wtf would you add me – oh,wait, yr religious claptrap is only skin deep if $$ are involved.”

and,

““make $$$ – ask me how” – if this sounds like you, don’t bother following, i won’t refollow – except briefly, by mistake”

But still they come. Some of them even private message me with ‘make $$$, ask me how’ and not in an ironic way, so i get to say  ‘sod off’ or “sale FAIL” and block them. It’s only annoying because I always go to look, all excited, wondering who my new follower is or what the DM is about.

I see ‘entrepreneur’, or ‘Christ follower marketing guru SEO wanker trollop git hooker fucktard whore marketer’, and i just know, we’re not going to get on. And you can guarantee, that when i do need a marketing person, i’ll pick one of the nice ones capable of holding a conversation who doesn’t spam me.

Yes, i do have people in advertising on my list – they amuse meh, with their witticisms and cries of existential angst. Oh wait, that’s the poets, crying out like that. I have an eclectic list – i cover the political spectrum but not the crazy ranting bits of it.

Oh – i have a weakness for the Aussie fake politicans – including @StephenConroy. The fake Nathan Rees (not the NSW premier) is so annoying it’s like having the real one around, i keep getting the urge to bang his head into a wall.

There are some lovely people on Twitter. I said once it was like a chat room, which it isn’t really. If you want to chat, you can take it private – Direct Message or DM – but it’s better to go to a messenger or something like Skype if you’re at the chatty stage. I talk too much on it – bad bad Sheila.

People talk about a high nuclear follow rate – which means if they follow that person, they post a lot. Twitter’s more for saying smart-arse oneliners, or wailing (in 140 characters), or just saying, “traffic is bad”, “train is late” or whatever else is in your head. On a good day, one channels Noel Coward and people Retweet your comments or jokes.

All the time, there are MLM people watching everything you say – I mentioned the word ‘beer’ in a post and i’m getting people selling wine, interested in beer, or trying to sell it. *sighs* You idiots really need to stop automating your follower choices.

I like to follow people, i’m easily amused. But MLM people are boring  – oh, didn’t you know? Yes, the whole world yawns when you start your oh-so-casual spiels. Back when i was younger there was a thing called pyramid selling – it was outlawed because so many people joined them (oops, greed again - see previous post), and got ripped off.

Far as i can see, MLM is just son-of-pyramid. Yeah, someone makes money, but it’s the guy at the top of the pyramid – the rest of you are suckers – at least as much as anyone who’s stupid enough to listen to you.

It’s mostly enjoyable, the mlm people are just an annoyance, like mosquitoes. I’m following several animals at the moment – though i had to get rid of @Ceiling_Cat as all the lolspeak posts got a bit wearing.

However, if you really want to go insane, try the lolcat translation of the bible project. Here’s a little bit of Genesis.

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

Go check out Revelations, lol -

Mistri, Babylon teh Grate, Mama of h00krz n nasti stuffz” was rited on her forhed.6 She wuz drunk on teh blood of teh saintz. I wuz realli freekt.

Yes, it’s a worry – people have spent time actually translating the entire Bible, book by book, into LolSpeak. They’re nearly finished, and I think someone should be told.

I really like @RealShamu, a killer whale at SeaWorld in the US.

The veterinarians are coming this morning.  Reckon I’ll have to go in a cup. Humiliating.

Number of cameras ruined because people are unclear on the concept of “Splash Zone”: 17,213.

Or @Sockington the cat (Fatty is his owner)

HEY FATTY TIME TO REBOOT THE FOOD DISH control alt kibble

EXCELLENT TUNA VINTAGE nice bouquet nutty flavor lasting finish JUST KIDDING I FINISHED IT IN TWO SECONDS hit me up again

EricasFish is still a favourite

Amazed that people think I’m a figment of the human’s imagination. She is not smart enough to be writing from a fish’s perspective

The human has reduced dinner to 3 pellets, because I’ve been looking “paunchy” lately. That was just a bad angle, you judgmental jerk.

You can see why i like them. They’re a bit eccentric, which is how i like my friends. Anyway, the thing about the fake animals (not fake, real animals, but obviously not Tweeting), is that they’re incredibly popular – @Sockington has over 300,000 followers.

@RealShamu has 350 odd – but he’s only been going for 2 days. OMG – i’m in at the beginning of a trend! How could i resist:

“Mommy bloggers at SeaWorld last month. That makes this a predator blog. I’m a “progger.” Nobody steals that. Deal?”

Her Majesty was very amused. But 350 in 2 days? i mean, ffs, i’ve only got 169 and about 90 of them are MLM. The numbers go up and down, like my blog visitors – i think the only thing to do is try to ignore it.

I’m here for me first – you lot come second – well, third after chocolate… oh – wait, um – fourth after world domination. You’re still ahead of cheese on crackers, but if it’s a really good cheese… yeah, i’m weak for cheese.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Will you stand in the band…

Make yourself a coffee, i couldn’t keep this one short. Oh – and there’s a quite scary pic – no, not the Hello Kitty Kalashnikov – worse!

Okay? I’m officially freaked out – what’s with all the Christians? *looks around nervously for the nails, hammers, and waiting tree* Me talking about religion does not make me a Christian site. *sounds of Her Majesty choking on the morning cappuccino* Even my junk mail is coming from places like christiansingles.

Oh yeah, uber-freakout time – most of my morning additions to my Twitter Follower list are Christians. Am beginning to suspect that MLM people think if they say Christian you can’t see the bit that says ‘I have no morals. Make $$$ ask me how’ right next to it.

Oops, did i just show bigotry? Heavens above. Yes, i am prejudiced against several groups. Fucktards, idiots, religious fundamentalists, and MLM people. That’s bigotry for you – unreasoning dislike/hatred of a group. Wait, mine’s not unreasoning, ergo, it can’t be bigotry. *smiles* Oops, note to self: do not use Latin, it’s attracting the wrong crowd.

Anyway – this is some of my morning Tweeple haul “Husband , Father,Christian, Conservative Republican, Tech Geek”. (In my last post i admitted to being an anarchist communist Antichrist, from memory.) He got a message about the major typo in the header of his latest blog post, (how freaking Christian of me), as i do check, blogs and websites, before i add anyone now.

I didn’t follow him back – if i get a reply that seems to show a real human being as opposed to a bunch of nouns, I’ll consider it. Besides, i find it hard to believe if he’d even glanced at my blog he’d think to add me.

these for my troopers, or the my little pony carbine?

If we have nothing in common, (despite my wide range of expertise and interests) – and they don’t give good Tweets (and i don’t mean rehashed versions of what everyone else is Tweeting), then i don’t Follow back. “Internet Marketing Social Media Advertising Public Relations Strategy Search Engine Optimization.” Honestly – what is this dude going to say to me?

“G’day Your Majesty, let’s see about PR for your invasion of the stretch of coast between here and Newcastle.” I would crack him smartly with a riding crop, (I do ride, it’s not just an affectation), and say,

“FFS, we don’t need no steenking PR – anyone who doesn’t like me gets shot. Once the clips turn up on YouTube, most people will decide loving me is heaps better than the alternatives.”

“Had you thought about television ads?”

*sound of a body hitting the floor*

I wouldn’t waste bullets, this is what stilettos are for. The daggers, not the shoes. Though you could probably use a shoe, in a pinch. Yes, everyone, rise  up, and take off your shoes!

Don’t these people know anything about absolute monarchs? Next gem… website is all high tech marketing, posts could have been written by a monkey who mastered cut and paste. So no, i won’t Follow you back.

Salespeople think we can’t tell – well, some of us dabbled in many Dark Arts. And here’s where you go wrong. You can’t keep it up – eventually, mate, your insincerity stands out like roos’ balls.

How about this? “Marketing [blah blah blah] …create a positive cash f “. Yes, a positive cash f - just what i’ve always wanted! A positive cash fuckup? Flipper? Fairy? Ooh – a positive cash fairy! Hang on, i have to email!

make $$$ - ask me how!

Omg, it was actually the MLM troll. *spits cappuccino on the screen*

Why don’t people read over their own work? It’s extremely unprofessional when your spiel is truncated. And for you not to notice? Oh puh-leeze, impress someone else with your lack of basic business skills.

Not everyone is a potential customer, idiot.  “social and viral marketing is my passion” oh gee, i wonder if i’ll add him?

I did add a guy who’s a blog coach, but he seemed human. All the vocations people have today, it’s like a smorgasbord.

I started in sales. Oh, the horror. I have morals, you know – i can’t lie through my teeth to make a sale. Weird, how life turns out. Now that training helps me in the Twitterverse. Oh hey, i got one who’s a founder of a charity – they help poor children.

I’m just putting my hair in pigtails, the webcam in soft focus, and I’m off to pitch him. “Pwease, mithter, *snarls* your money or your life!” Oops, no, that will never do. Must tone it down. Perhaps just, “I’m the Queen of Darkness, *bright smile and let him see the Hello Kitty Kalashnikov under the coat *hand over the cash, and I’ll put a good word in with Dad.”

Simple is always best. I’ll Follow him back, give him a badge, maybe put a minion on him – to tail him and get his PIN numbers.

Oh – i did get Warlach this morning. (He’s human, and got Followed back.) On his blog, he’s playing one of those games (all automatic but you need to assemble your album cover in Photoshop or something) – generating a random band name, first album, and album cover. There are some amazing ‘first albums’ on his site – go see. This is mine.

i want to hear it

While prepping this blog, I came across an article on how you should always follow back on Twitter, and was getting quite humpy disagreeing over it. Then he said, “You shouldn’t follow everyone, just your human followers… Twitter is rife with spammers, PR junk, and companies that follow you in the hope that you will follow them back. Don’t follow them.”

And i thought, oh, yes, exactly.

******

Title of this blog is from “Soldier Laddie“,  a song my (ex-Duntroon) Dad used to play at me when i was a kid. (Duntroon’s our version of West Point.)

Will ye stand in the band like a true Irish man,
For we go to fight the forces of the Crown

Irish Rebel songs, a good musical upbringing for your benevolent Aussie despot. There will be singing, and electric guitars. Sheila Bastard gets to sing lead – no other reason than she wants to.

Life’s not fair, but I’m holding the Hello Kitty Kalashnikov.

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