First, suck up to the pope….

Darn, here we are in February, and i’ve been slacking on the blog. Actually, i wrote some posts, but the PMT quotient was too high, they take off paint at ten paces – anyone actually reading them would have their eyeballs exploded, and that’s not what we’re about. It’s not my fault, i caught thrush from being on antibiotics, and it makes a girl cranky.

So, what’s happening? Well, the thrush seems to be clearing, and The Thing’s reached 88,000+ words, which means only about 22,000 to go. I’m trying to make sure the first part is good before i wrap up the end. Currently, i’ve done my usual trick of putting a capable person into a situation where he managed quite well. Damn! No fun unless he’s having problems.

Aside from still being sure he’s gay, that is, but i figure there’s enough young men who read fantasy sci fi who that will resonate for, so his angst over that can stay. After all, I was never going to get the Mormon Church stamp of approval that the Twilight books got. (Yeah, how bad would that be? Mormon Church can’t find anything in your books about vampires that contradict their made-up bible? Though my books aren’t about vampires. Maybe that’s the trick – bloodsucking churches like books about bloodsuckers.)

Come to think of it, maybe i should go do a Bono? No, no, not put on pastel sunglasses and then put out the same album every year for the next twenty, or go live in Ireland because artists didn’t pay ANY income tax on royalties there (and you thought all those celebs lived there cos it’s a cool place? Oh come on! The scheme ran from 1969, but was recently capped at quarter of a million Euro per year) – i mean go suck up to the pope and get him to give up some of the church’s wealth.

Wait, Bono never actually managed that, did he? He just sucked up to the old dead pope for nothing – while he was alive, obviously – but old JP – the P was for Pervert – went back into his bedroom, thinking about all the hot black chicks in Africa doing it without condoms. Risking AID’s, unwanted children, and other disease, all because some wrinkled old toad who got off on whipping himself said so.

They were doing it bare because he said condoms were the work of the devil and that good Catholics would be driven from the church if they dared to even think about them. That’s what excommunication means – and yes, using a condom is reason enough for the Church to drive you out. I’m so glad i turned renegade Catholic before i became sexually active.

The pope then forced himself not to masturbate over the hot black chicks, by getting his rocks off with a belt-thrashing. Making it up? Me? I think not – they’ve just admitted it, Pope John Paul the Bent (the one who died not long ago) used to keep a belt in his wardrobe to beat those urges out. Or off. Some people actually orgasm from pain – makes you wonder.

Still, if i could get Pope Benny to back my book, it would be good PR. He’s got a taste for Prada and couture, maybe i could put some in the book. Repressed gayness whilst fathering broods of children will be huge in the Vatican, that part will be easy. Of course, the women are all very in charge of their own lives, and i’ve made a huge mistake: contraception is easy and available to all. *sigh*

See, i’m screwed,  people in charge of their own lives who don’t kowtow to God’s representatives on Earth – Pope Benny won’t go for it. Not unless i get rid of the strong women and the contraception. And even then, i bet the moment i say all i want is one papal ring, enough to flog to pay for the printing costs, Pope Benny will probably get huffy.

After all, the church didn’t make all that money by giving it to the poor!

Writing is just fraught with problems.

He likes it!

(pic via http://captions.illmeyer.com/)

© http://stinginthetail.wordpress.com

NFSFFW

What does NFSFFW mean? Well, Not Safe For Work is NSFW, then we have Not Fucking Safe for Fucking Work.

I’m trying to warn you, that in this post in particular, if you’re offended by bad language, you had better run away. This post is offensive. Nice, huh? I’ve probably guaranteed everyone will read right to the end. It’s mostly pictures, it’s not like it will strain you.

WARNING: CHILDREN, SHUT YOUR EYES NOW!
VERY BAD LANGUAGE AHEAD

There are a lot of people searching for ponies and ending up on this blog. You probably want to close this window now, before you’re inducted into the Queen of Darkness’s armies.

****

What am i enraged about today? Hmm… let’s see. Aside from the usual, like the government’s plans to censor the internet for all Australians, i’m not feeling super enraged. I thought instead i’d show you some pretty pictures. Ready?

Here we go!

just the thing for the church picnic, & thought-provoking

Hmm… i don’t know if I want that one, people might think i’m a believer. There’s always shock value ….

i'm not sure i'm this much of an attention whore

In the end, i designed my own.

Finbert rides again

Root means ‘sex’ in Australian, by the way – ‘wanna root?’ = ‘wanna fuck’. Yep, i think i’ll go with the one above – that poor fish, he’s had a workout.

Finbert also appeared in this post, where he was sexually abused by Burt Lancaster. It wasn’t Burt’s fault, it was a typo – you see, that fish is a cichlid. Read the post, seriously, it makes sense there. Well, as much sense as i ever make.

I was reading back over some posts while chasing down links for this and noticed that my most popular posts remain the ones you think are sexual (aside from whichever is the newest one).

You still can’t get enough Camel Toe for the Beginner – which does have camel toe, but also has bizarre fetishes, just so nobody gets lonely.

Another hawt sexy post Toaster Sex Will Rot Your Brain is actually a very nice rant on the unfairness of being banned because i have breasts. I still love the pics i did for that one. There’s something about toaster sex.

Yeah, i know most visitors are not really admiring the size of my brain or my cute pictures. Or even my Minions’ Badges. You’re looking for porn. (Or ponies, various birds, Antichrist humor, penectomies, and sex dolls. Seriously. And people say I’m weird.)

I do have a disclaimer somewhere that points out that when i mention sex, i do put in enough jokes to make it highly interruptive if you’re trying to masturbate. And i really wasn’t serious about inserting furniture.

If you like the two tshirts at the top, and want one, click the pic to go the shops that sell them.

I think the third one rocks. I want one of those! Where’s my Number One Minion? Make it so, Number One!

*****

In other news – there are at least 17 people visiting my blog every day! SEVENTEEN! Wow.

Seventeen people is enough for a death squad, this is so cool!

Bless you, dear little minions Beloved Visitors.

© http://stinginthetail.wordpress.com

sex and drugs and rock and roll…

… are very good indeed. At least, so the song says. Having overindulged in all of them, i can vouch for that. Though over-indulgence isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Hedonism is a nice place to visit (not for me, i’m not big on public displays of nudity or swingers’ resorts, but others enjoy it very much).

When it comes down to it, it’s in Jamaica, and that’s just not convenient for the modern dictator monarch intrepid novelist on the go. Not as an Antichrist headquarters. Though it’s tempting just to try the grass. i used to smoke with Jamaicans in London, we like similar states of zoom.

Are you one of those people, who when asked, so what do you do for a living, have a one or two word answer that’s completely true and not contentious?

I envy people like that. I mean those who are a thing. Like accountant, doctor, [insert vocation here]. Because being a writer is like when you say you’re ‘an artist’.

Once people find out you make plasticine toys then show them to your friends on Twitter, they tend to think ‘artist‘ eh? Well, we don’t know about art, or claymation, but we know what we like, and plasticine models of animals won’t get you anywhere.

For those new to the strange labyrinth we call my mind, this post is probably brought to you by the voices-outside-my-head (basic rule of thumb, those we listen to, because they never tell us to hurt anyone… the voices-inside-my-head can be ignored with impunity) who think it’s funny when i tell people that I’m the Antichrist.

I’m not really the Antichrist, but then (as we’ve discussed) the Antichrist would say that. It’s like “when did you stop beating your wife?” I find the career question hard to answer without someone saying “She’s a witch, she’s a witch! Burn her!”

So, i’m sort-of a writer, of the new-and-improved giant space opera-fantasy epic of Doom! And currently trapped inside a mould-ridden house (also of Doom), but soon now, i will find a way out. This ‘way‘ so far involves saving madly and thus far, acquiring some boxes. They’re very nice boxes.

Sturdy, and made of cardboard. A plentiful number. We also have tape, packing paper, and one box assembled, so just as soon as someone gets the urge, we can start packing.

We can’t afford to move any of it for maybe a month, (at least) so there’s not a lot of time-pressure. Time is meaningless – lunchtime doubly so. Was that a Douglas Adams quote? It sounds as if it should be.

Aha – he said it’s an illusion. Nope. Well, yes. And it’s meaningless. And fleeting. Time is also like a piece of string. No, seriously. Pay attention – i will be asking questions later. See, anywhen is actually right here, right now. Well, maybe just a step to the right. Cool huh?

I’m probably not going to ask questions, because i’d have to provide links, explain then discuss string theory, posit parallel universes, and read more than i really wanted to when starting this.

It was supposed to be an airy rambling about life. I’ve already had to find links to Hedonism II, Wallace & Gromit, and now Douglas Adams has started posthumously grandstanding in it.

He wrote one of the funniest books ever Life, The Universe, & Everything – which is a fab book, if you haven’t read it. It was made into two movies, neither of which are actually as good as the book. It’s the kind you can’t read on the train, because you laugh out loud too much. “42!”

Here’s something scary for those who remember reading it  close to its publication date. It was published 31 years ago. Feck. Age is so huge. Sort of like space. Either it’s not enough or it’s too much, for most of us.

I cope like everyone else, i’m about thirty inside my head (i was much more sensible by the time i hit thirty), and on the outside, i’m 48. I look in the mirror and wonder who the baggy bint with the silver streaks in her hair is.

I suppose i’m your average Supreme Being. Yeah, delusional is exactly what i was going to say. On your knees, children of the blog… yes, of course you can have cushions. Ahem, you at the back, i wasn’t serious. For heaven’s sake, use a comfy chair.

We’ve discussed this before – worship of me involves reading the blog (laughing, thinking, and even commenting, when i let you get a word in), and adding me on Twitter.

The whole thing, about overindulging a bit, partying hard, (no, i have no idea where i’m going with this, i presume there’ s a point somewhere, or even somewhen), is that you get a bit older, and it’s cool.

I have experience. I have done things. At least, other people are impressed, which is funny, because at the time, it was just life. I thought everyone was doing it. Imagine my surprise when i discovered there were heaps of people who’ve never even tried a Flaming Sambucca. Back in the early 80′s, this was, before they started putting them out before you drank them. I did fine. Nobody was more astonished than me when i didn’t set fire to myself.

I saw someone use Bundaberg Rum to create a Flaming Bundy. I think maybe rum’s more flammable? Especially if you pour it over yourself when you toss the drink back, because you’re drunk . Whoof! It was very spectacular to watch.

He was fine, the alcohol burned off fast, and his facial hair was so greasy it didn’t catch, but i took it as a signal that the night was over. It was 2am, my mate had stopped fancying him, and we’d only followed him to his London bedsit because he said he had booze. I was ready to go home when i discovered it was Bundy.

Among things you really need to do before you leave your 30′s – like read the Tree Lobsters Webcomic – I was astonished to find women who never even had an orgasm until they were over 40. How can you go through life without exploring a bit? Gawd.

Over 40, you’re going to hurt yourself trying to do all that teen stuff. Only teens can do it, you know, that burning the candle at both ends, without payback of massive proportions. And they get payback, they just don’t let it stop them.

I forget, some people are still thinking that down there is some freaky place you mustn’t touch, or like nitroglycerine, it might go off. “OMG, look out, she’s gonna blow! Everyone, run!” *sounds of screams and running feet*

Sadly, people being stupid isn’t enough reason to kill them. It’s a good reason to encourage them to neuter themselves accidentally with a sandwich maker. Death or sudden emasculation. You have to make it look like an accident.

Like when you’re parking the tank, and oops, you dropped a track on the neighbours. And maybe their kids. “I’m sorry, officer, i didn’t see them there.” He’ll say, “Queen of Darkness, eh? What’s with the tank?” Men are complete suckers for tanks. Maybe i’ll let him take it for a spin.

I won’t say “OMG, it’s the filth!” Or anything referring to da Babylon. I’ll impress him with my knowledge of weapons of war (total dilettante, but glib, that’s me – and i have a nice smile). I’ll tell him that the tank is to invade Queensland.

And he’ll say, “Flatten a cane toad for me”, or something equally derogatory about Queenslanders. I’ll be cool, because there’s all this stupid interstate rivalry going on with these little postage stamp places over here on the east coast, but i’m not from these parts.

Western Australia is a over a million square miles (2,532,400 km2) – eat that, piddly lil eastern states places. (Texas would fit 5+ times in WA.) Besides, i’m following the actual New South Wales police on Twitter, so safe from arrest. They don’t want to offend me, because i might unfollow them on Twitter.

Yes, cunning of me. And the next time they announce they’re seeking a mysterious Queen of Darkness who’s allegedly been playing war games with a tank at the Budgewoi shops, and ran over some women and children on a crosswalk, where they really shouldn’t have been, i’ll have advance warning.

If i’m home by then, and can see what’s happening on Twitter, of course, as i don’t have a mobile tweeting ability. The worst part about Twitter? I find myself wanting to tweet things when i’m out. *sighs*

I even think, wow, maybe if all those Mac users are having so much fun, i’ll have to get one. I will tweet from cafes like everyone else does. And i will take photos of my food, even if it looks like dog turds on a plate. (Most food doesn’t, most food is jealousy-provoking good stuff.)

Then i remember i don’t like Macs, so screw that. Oops – i nearly joined a cult there. See how easy it is? Beware of religion, and pass the bong.

I have PMS, a cold, and a massive allergic reaction. I feel like crap.

But the drugs are working quite well.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

i am planning to invade the north…

I’ve decided to invade Queensland. Screw New South Wales, the humidity, and the pollution… wait, i’m looking at my Dashboard here on the blog, and so I’m distracted. Someone found me by looking for “waffle possum” – my post must have been a shock.

Someone else discovered that “funny budgie” meant a pic of a cute one just before he exploded. It’s the way of the web. You go looking for something, and end up lost on a site somewhere else. Quite likely, you end up slightly shocked.

It was a mistake to look at my stats again. With the giant peak at 162 when i got my mention for the social media post, (2 posts ago i think) my viewing figures are fluctuating wildly – lows of 12-14 -  25ish as an average.

Twenty-five a day’s pretty good seeing the blog’s still new (nearly 2 months old), and i’m not really doing much to promote it, or trying to be fashionable. I blog about what i feel like. I hang out on Twitter and be myself. Well, heavily censored, obviously. I’m twitchy about lawsuits. In real life i’m more bitchy about celebs.

Anyway, my Beloved Visitor numbers are climbing nicely overall, if you ignore the spike. I get a steady click through from Twitter from people coming here. People find me through Google. *waves to today’s random visitor* Then there is the one person a week, on average, who found this site while looking for nipples.

Many more found this blog while looking for masturbation. Yes, i talk about masturbation quite often. Orgasm is good for us, mind, body, and soul. I think denial leads to crankiness of the kind that evening primrose and chocolate won’t fix. We’re talking deep-seated crankiness.

Enough about sex, we’re talking about my blog, *sets ego to stun* and how people get here. The point is – if one looks at my blog stats since i started here back in mid-March – i get hits from pretty much every time i comment on someone else’s blog.

Do you blog? If so, you know what happens with comments. Nobody leaves enough of the damn things. I’m really bad at commenting, i quite often formulate careful replies, only to realise i’m way off-topic, and to post would be the worst kind of blog-hijacking.

Like putting an ad for yourself in someone else’s comments. Which you do by commenting, but I’m uneasy about leaving blog links other than the one at the top of the comment form. To me – someone saying, oh yes, i did a blog on that, here’s a link to it – well, it’s pushy. I know it’s fashionable to be pushy, but it’s really not my style.

Blogs that i laughed over so much that i forgot to post comments on in the last couple of days include TheBloggess - who now has a sex column – which is just fabulous. She tackles clown porn, as only she can. Another was a new discovery she recommended, Tree Lobsters. It’s incredibly good.

Oh – and there’s something about a new blog that was recommended on Twitter. Something deeply disturbing.

As i said at the beginning, I have decided to move to Queensland. Deciding this has been sapping, actually. However realising that the black stuff i’m cleaning out of the computers is a mix of pollution and coal dust (there is a power station a couple of miles away, and mines there), decided me.

I’m breathing this shit. We’re in the path of the southerly winds from Sydney, and probably on a windy day, it’s more polluted here than it is in the CBD. I said to Mr Whatsit, i want to move away from here, and we both said Queensland? He’s from there, it’s going home for him. I’ve lived there for years at a time, i like the place.

In other news:

I’ve seen too many really ugly butt cracks, and i can’t take it any more. Besides, the local shopping centre isn’t the place to display your arse cleavage.

The temptation to pour a drink down them is overwhelming.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

some evil for the weekend, sir?

Let’s see, i do believe i promised sex and religion. Possibly not combined, but hey, there’s a reason all us nice rejected-Catholic girls fantasise about priests. (I’m not lapsed – leaving the Church was a deliberate decision of rejection on my part.) What do you mean, you don’t fantasise about priests? Not even the pastor? You’re missing some primo fantasy material.

I’ve seen some interesting pornos featuring nuns too. Not to mention all those movies where repressed female sexuality smouldered at repressed male sexuality. Anything with nuns in. Like that John Holmes porn movie with the nuns.

Actually, he was the unsexiest bloke – around 11 inches of penis, and the acting abilities of a stick insect. They made 70′s porn stars look good in that movie with Burt Reynolds and Mark Wahlberg. In his porno movies, John Holmes made Lurch in the Addams Family look like Cleo Magazine’s Bachelor of the Year. And he never got fully hard *yawn* so they were always trying to ‘stuff a softy’. (It’s a technique for achieving penetrative sex with a semi-flaccid penis. Don’t ask how i know these things. Thinking about it, am pretty sure i read it in the sealed section of a woman’s mag.)

Anyway, so to me, the only thing hotter than doing the priest (in religious scenarios) is possibly doing the pope. Not the current pope, obviously – or the last one* shudders and makes sign of cross against Nazi-vampire-Benedict-JohnPaul-narcoleptic-sex* – i am not into evil turtlemen. Though if you are, hey, i won’t judge you – power does things to people’s bits. I want to do fantasy-pope – one of the depraved medieval ones, maybe. Ideally in front of the entire College of Cardinals. Do note, in real life, i have no desire to achieve this – ta all the same.

Popesex beats being nailed to a cross, seriously. You need a helper for crucifixion, it’s not a solo sport. Some people do it without nails, and use chains instead. I’m not into crucifixion, obviously – I’m the Antichrist. Crucifixion’s a very Roman Empire fantasy. Lots of men with hard thighs and breastplates. And short swords. What a disappointment.

There are crucifixion porn stories on the net – but then there is every kind of porn story you’ve never imagined on the net. The net porn industry is not constrained by little things like ‘physical impossibility‘ or ‘impossible without lube‘. If it “will cause permanent damage” that’s okay too. Or even ‘fatal‘.

A lot of people think internet porn is real life, just because someone says “this really happened”. ‘Ecological disaster‘ is alright too. There was one where hundreds of baby octopus died. (I’ve read things I can’t unread, that’s all i’m going to say. )

Apropos of nothing (or “i can’t figure a way to segue neatly into this, so i’m just telling you”) : Since doing that post on using Twitter (and mentioning that i’ve never deleted a Tweet), i’ve done so many typos i can hardly believe it. I nearly deleted 4 posts they were so bad. Thought i’d mention that in case anyone thinks i’m MsTwitterPerfect, or that i think i am.

I forgot to mention – the way to do those neat short URL’s on Twitter (or anywhere else) is to go to TinyURL and it’s free. Or Google “URL shorteners” – there’s lots. I use another site – bit.ly – when i post my evil missives (blog posts) on Twitter – i can see at a glance how many people clicked on that URL, or if it got sent on and used in other places on the net.

As i said, I’d like to focus on religion and porn, but Mr Whatsit is watching Saturday TV and has ended up on a fashion program on the Lifestyle Channel. I think he’s waiting for Grand Designs.  “Glorified coathangers!” he’s shouting at the screen. And he keeps screaming in revulsion as skinny girls stagger in weird undulations down a catwalk. “My God! Clothes don’t look right on them!” Ahh, neat segue, Mr Whatsit.

So, religion, “opiate of the masses”? or is that football? Personally, i think it’s all just a distraction – sex too – if you’re obsessed with those, you won’t be thinking about how badly your country is being governed, or the numbers of poor going without basic healthcare while the christian church, a bloated monstrosity, is the richest entity on the planet.

Because obviously, if you did consider it, you’d be sick over how awfully unfair it all is, and unable to wank over the idea of kneeling under the priest’s lecturn and… “OMG she’s ANOREXIC!”

Yes, thanks, Mr Whatsit, completely broke my thread there. I realised that i promised politics and world domination, as well as religion and sex. Well, i did mention politics. So one to go.

World domination is simple, really – I’m the Antichrist, the Queen of Darkness – vote me for World Ruler. Any opposition will be Disappeared. I don’t intend to wipe them out.  They’ll be at church or the pub, searching for internet porn, and betting on the footy, just like they are now – wasting time getting het up about things that don’t matter.

There *wipes brow* more politics, more religion,
and perhaps a soupçon of egotistical rant.

Is it just me, or is it warm in here?

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

i blame my parents…

plenty of handy roping points, but the ears are going to tickle

The lovely Tea tells me the next big thing is furniture porn. A move onwards from toaster insertions, though of course, you will need a rope to tie to the leg of the chair or table. Or lampstand. The handy thing about toasters was that they came with a cord so you didn’t lose them.

Nothing worse than a coffee table gone rogue internally. Especially if you can’t remember how many bits of furniture were in the house when you started. Beginners want to start small.  For instance, the sheep chair is one for the advanced user. The novice should start with something that doesn’t need a 44 gallon drum of lube, a winch, and a greasegun to hand. Something more streamlined.

chair insertion FAIL

A word about safety. Have a safecall – this is someone who, if you don’t contact them inside a certain time frame will rescue you or call the fire brigade. The woman on the right learned the hard way after spending 3 days trapped in an Octopus Chair insertion gone horribly wrong.

If a neighbour passing hadn’t heard her screaming, she might have been there until her husband returned from a conference four days later.

for the beginner

Better to begin your career in furniture porn with something like the red chair on the right   – yes, it’s really a chair.  Naturally, it’s up to you as to whether to employ assistants to man the ropes.

A lot of people get off on the mostly amateur furniture porn available, saying that the weird camera angles, occasional feet obscuring the action, and in the case of the late great Tonya Bigones, the sight of a woman trying to insert a grand piano, is the best part.

It’s spawned a host of imitators, and even the beginning of the professional furniture porn industry.

There’s still room for the enthusiastic amateur, and sites like RateMyToasterInsertion also have areas for the furniture connoisseur. Surprisingly, a lot of stuff ends up on YouTube, purely because the censors don’t think it’s real. Of course, the BDSM aficionados are in on the act, as in the peg chair below.

that’s gotta hurt!

There’s even been a small number of suicides by bolster cushion, at least, they’ve been classified suicides, but some people are saying auto-erotic-strangulation-via-bolster cushion is too hard, these people must have had assistance.

However, we’re all about playing safe. You will need good rope, an anchor point to tie it to, latex gloves, extra-large furniture condoms, and at least your own bodyweight in water-based lube. (I hear that silicon lube is considered excellent, but as it does contain silicon, i don’t really want it in my body.)

Crisco is  not advised, it coats delicate internal tissues and can kill off the natural critters that we rely on for internal health. Never use Vaseline as a lube for the same reasons, and because it’s made from petrol byproducts and eats away at latex (like the stuff your condoms are made of).

Good Lord – (i’m allowed to say that, *shows Papal Dispensation to take His name in vain* only cost me a proof of purchase on two packs of Benedict’s Cotton Candy Flavoured Underpants and i got a coupon for a pack of Vatican Fishnet Stockings) -  I’ve accidentally included some good information in here, what a shame it’s obscured by toaster and furniture porn.

Never mind, and while i have you here, don’t forget, get your tshirt on your way out. Now in white, red, and black.

it’s more fun with a friend

*reads back* Okay, it’s official, i’ve gone nuts. Or i’ve reached Zen and your worldly constructs no longer trouble mah evolv-ed soul.
*looks way-more-holier-than-thou*

The Queen of Darkness thanks you for reading and
apologises for what’s probably going through your mind.
The voices-outside-my-head made me do it.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

StingintheTail Ministries welcomes you

I was reading the very interesting Pro Blogger who is actually a professional blogger (and making a nice living). He’s a fellow Aussie, (so you know he’s the coolest of the cool, hehehe), and seems to have thought of everything a blogger might want to know. He gives a list of 21 Ways to Write Posts That Are Guaranteed to Grow Your Blog. Just being controversial, passionate, and opinionated gives you three of them.

Oh, phew. I can stop pretending to be meek and mild. I read several pages on his site, and learned a lot. Linking to him like this is also a good idea to grow your readership, lol, but i’m doing it because i ran into him on Twitter and liked his blog.

I like learning about what i do. Learning one’s craft is important. I’ve unwittingly been doing things right, getting most of the 21 Ways. It made me think about what i want this blog to be. Earning money from it seems a stretch, but gosh, it would be nice.

We crossed the 200 visitors mark on the weekend. *skips about* Pro Blogger said if he doesn’t get that a day with even a baby blog, he feels lonely. Ahem. I had about 30 yesterday, and was thrilled, lol.

My obsessions with sex, porn, politics, and religion will stand me in good stead with getting hits from crazed masturbators on Google with upping my readership. It’s not intentional, I really am obsessed with those things. Well, with shouting about them.

Trying to explain what a bad thing the Net Filter is, and why -  that’s also good – people like their news explained and repotted a bit. Being funny – also good. Thank heavens for that. So what am i missing?

Well, Number 11 “write something that gives people a sense of belonging”. Hmm – oh, wait, everyone’s got their jackboots on, ready to invade Budgewoi the moment i get the tank serviced. You’re all part of the invasion force. (Anyone who hasn’t got their jackboots, please contact the blog slave, he’s dealing with back orders.)

See, we all belong. I’m an anarchist monarchist, i get to be queen, then you lot can do what you like.  Anyway, I can only boss one or two of you at a time, you’re quite safe.

I like being helpful, so that part of the list, (several points could be summed up as helping others in various ways) yep, got those. However, i don’t think i’m tapping into your fears enough. Maybe we should call for a list? Ooh – Number 10 – write something that elicits a response. I keep forgetting, you’re allowed to talk back.

Hmm… am I  “unique”, yep, aside from being plagiarised, and “newsworthy”? Well, I thought it was news when i got plagiarised.

Oh – and making money out of a blog? If this surprises me and becomes immensely popular, i’ll be thrilled. I’ll help it, by using tips i glean from people with the kind of traffic i can only dream about, lol. Then i’ll have to get my own site and be serious, i suppose.

If you want to make money out of yours, read Mr Pro Blogger – lots of tips and tricks. He’s also got a jobs board (with actual jobs on it, unlike most sites i see around) if you’re looking for pro blogging work. I didn’t even know there was such a thing.

Look at me, promoting someone else just because they’re good. I can be nice even when i have PMS – who knew? Yes, I still have PMS. We’re running late but it’s nothing to worry about, i’m just a day late. The hormonal overload, despite my best efforts with anti-PMS herbs, has reached crescendo point.

I lost it while cooking last night - the chicken wasn’t done, when i had everything else ready to go. Much weeping and gnashing of teeth, (sorta like in the Bible, but in the kitchen), to the point where Mr Bastard had to take over.

the joys of PMS

However, it gave me an idea.  I’ve figured out a way to make money whilst helping you to focus on your fears. Now most of you, men and women alike, are afraid of a woman with PMS, right? Especially when she has a tank. *looks innocent*

This is the deal – i won’t come round your place and cry at you, and all you have to do in return is tithe me. I’ll take cake, phonecards, or dark chocolate. Oh – and money, if you have any, i still need an office chair.

Simple, non? I can’t believe nobody has done this before.

*sounds of whispering*

Oh, wait, i’ve just been told, churches do this. Well, that settles it,  I’m going to register as a religion!

That’s the way to really make money.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

sex sells

Just with that title, I’ve probably upped the pulling power of this post by 70%. Seriously, is everyone on the net still 15? Still wanking under the covers? Gawd. Everyone’s either sniggering or trying to pretend their genitalia don’t exist.

Yes, I’ve been looking at religious sites again  – some of them were lovely people, others were… a bit strange. The one where Jesus and the bint were about to lock lips especially – if i’d thought that would happen when i became a Bride of Christ, the nuns would have had me at sixteen. My Jesus never tried to grab my jeans-clad buttocks while offering me comfort. i feel cheated.

Anyway, aside from sex, the net is full of people are trying to sell me something. So nothing’s really changed, lol. I had no net growing up, and they were still trying to sell me something, often on the back of sex. People complained then, too.

the problem with bodily fluids

I’m selling myself – i take an alright pic, so my face is up there. I work within the system. I’m not actually hard-selling like so many people i keep running into (not sure if web-bots are classified as people).

I’m astonished at the moment by Twitter, my followers went up by 1/4 overnight from 31 to 40 – though Al Gore’s safe for now at 371,104 followers. I am beating some of the fake Al Gore’s already.

That’s Twitter – looking for suckers, potential clients, web traffic, celebrity (at least in the Twitterverse), and omg, some really nice people? Dare I say it, friends? Yep, it’s just like the real world! Most of the Tweeples are nice. Some are brainiacs, some aren’t, and people are really helpful.

Me, i’m just cruising, Tweeting occasionally, enjoying the view, with CNN, Australia’s ABC, and the Lolcats to give me perspective. I’m not going to link to them all – just look at my following and followers, seriously, there aren’t that many in the list, lol. I get precisely no kudos for you doing that.

I’m not trying to hard-sell anyone anything, and (hold onto your hats), i don’t actually want to be famous. Nope, I’m quite happy to run the world from behind the scenes. Put some bimbo or himbo with chest implants in front, as a target for the assassins.

I’ll quietly remove all the crazy people who think the world’s about to end and we’re all about to get sucked up to Heaven, like in a giant vacuum cleaner – except of course for the sinners, who are like those things that get caught in the carpet and won’t budge. Bits of fingernails. Of course, if God had a cyclonic-action cleaner, the sinners could be saved.

God's Giant Vacuum Cleaner with the Faulty Suction

I can’t believe the Almighty is such a skinflint. Sure,  a Dyson’s expensive, but they’re good. What, the world’s not good enough to deserve a decent vacuum cleaner? What are we, chopped liver? Hang on, i’m talking about the guy who wouldn’t get his only son a lawyer. Anyway, they call it the Rapture, the giant vacuum cleaner.

So they don’t care, about pollution, over population, any of it – because it’s the End of Days, and God’s Hoover is about to start.  Only the holier than thou will be sucked up. Or is that sucked in? They’re the ones who think the world has to be in a horrible state before we can get to the wonderful time we were promised in Revelations.

Does the new US president believe in the Giant Vacuum Cleaner With Faulty Suction? I suspect our Australian Prime Minister does – he’s one of them there e-van-jelly-things too. God save us from the born again’s.

Reading religious websites is wrong, i shouldn’t do it. Just click away when i land on one accidentally. Could have been worse. I could have lost followers on Twitter. Where, i have just tipped 44 followers. Oh yes.

Soon, my jackbooted soldiers will be riding tanks down your street – perhaps you’d better add me to your Twitter Follows before i start thinking you’re expendable? Or not. Up to you. *smiles* Completely. Seriously, do i look like the kind of monarch who’ll hold a grudge?

laugh at my jokes or die, it's a simple choice

45 followers, yes, well done, my Tweeple!

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

toaster sex will rot your brain..

It gets funnier – people have had a chance to go through the list of  sites to be completely banned in Australia. One of them, Abbywinters, was winner of the Best Adult Site in Australia, the last three years running. On the front page, they say.

Parents, we recommend http://www.child-internet-safety.com
to ensure your children cannot access our site.

They’re not the only site that thought they were legal to be banned. Surprise, apparently nudity, breasts, genitalia of any kind, dentistry, and of course, toaster insertions, (a common kind of extreme porn, see previous post) are now completely illegal in Australia.

the dangers of pornography

They’ve even banned a site where women show their G-strings (thongs in US) above their jeans. I object to being criminalised just because i have illegal body parts – i didn’t know they were illegal when i incarnated on this backward planet.

A couple of fetish sites are on the list. We all know, one spank, and bam, you’re robbing liquor stores and raping passing antelope. Some gambling sites are banned, but not all – which is just as well, they’re not actually illegal. However, some take babies in exchange for chips – who knew? Animal boarding kennels are also verboten. Yep, i knew someone who put their kids in kennels accidentally,and took the dog on holidays.

They’ve banned a lot of ordinary porn too. (Men and women doing it to each other, no under-age toasters involved.) There’s a few others (about half) also with no apparent connection to kiddies.

Oh yeah, then there’s the geriatric sex site – lol. Omg, the wrinklies are doing it! That’s so hot, i think i’ll just… um… wow, look at how their baggy bits are all moving, like some kind of giant sea anemone. This is supposed to make me want to attack children?

A woman from a child advocacy group said that every fifteen-year-old boy in the country would be chasing this list of banned sites. gigglesnort!

Erm – leaving aside the very sexist assumption that girls are never curious enough to look at porn – young people don’t need a list to find porn. Or weird sites.

They can do it whenever their parents fail to supervise them on the net. Or at school, when teachers leave the kids alone on the computers which already have filters on them. Installing a Filter and destroying freedom of speech and expression in this country, won’t change this fact.

So i suppose i’m going to have to stop masturbating again. I don’t want to be busted, i’m a cleanskin. It’s alright, i think i can take this celibacy gig. I still had a sore wrist from all the wanking last week, after the toaster porn went hardcore. Who knew a woman could do double entry toasters?

Latest from the fundamentalist Christians, a poster campaign warning of the dangers of masturbation. They decided to try to hitch a ride on the popularity of the Lolcats.

toaster porn claims another victim

For those who don’t speak Lolspeak -kittehz means cats – represented here by cutest kitten on planet.

“Oh, no,” sez kitteh, “more cats will die.
The cats beg you, don’t touch the toaster.”

How do i know lolspeak?
it’s not hard to learn – they have a how to

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com