yes, that’s my brain there, on the floor

I may be incoherent. I’ve just spent about five hours wrestling with Delicious and incorporating it into Mozilla Firefox. I do think arrgh is the word i’m looking for, but it’s all come together now, just in time for me to be too tired to really write much. It wasn’t hard, but learning curves are learning curves.

As for explaining it, well, in your dreams, mate – at least at this point. However, i think i’m working it. If you would like the basics, here’s what Delicious is and why should you use it. As they say “Delicious greatly improves how people discover, remember and share on the Internet.”

I have also learned Digg - well, i’ve installed it. And StumbleUpon - which is really excellent, actually. My brain’s now pink blancmange, and not much good for anything.

Oh – but i joined Twitter Grader – yes, i am among the Elite for the Central Coast NSW. *tired happy dance* Ha, in your face, Al Gore. I now have a widget on my site that counts my Twitter followers. I’m one of the big kids. I even adapted my widgets. Yes, i wiggled the code. Omg. I haven’t done this since 1999 or thereabouts.

I just wanted a blog, lol – next thing i’m being sucked into the great vortex of the Twitterverse, and learning html in more depth than i really care to. A woman my age knowing html is useless, there’s a million 25 year old males who know it better. If i could afford it, i would hire one of them, and make him do it. *sighs* Or if i had a rifle, that would work as well as money.

Totally spooky thing, and which may have freaked out the feds – i had a moment of clairvoyance. While i was wittering on about smuggling Kalashnikovs, someone was doing it – yep, Aussie Customs caught their first ever Kalashnikov. I wonder if it was pink like my dream one?

Oh – and i installed another widget – in the second panel down on the left of the blog page (below Contact Me). Add This means you can add this site to your favourites or bookmark it on almost any network.

Pretty coloured buttons…

*sounds of snoring*

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Tales from the Twitterverse

i discovered one of my Tweeple was a convicted spammer – arrrggghhh! (Maybe check your list, lol.) So i went through my Following quite ruthlessly. Unfollow you! No quarter given to MLM people – die die die!

And don’t tell me you’re a writer when your promo site uses ‘and’ at the beginning of a sentence in the first paragraph. Yes, i use ‘and’ to start sentences, but I know it’s wrong. I try not to do it often, and I’m writing in a conversational tone, so it’s easier to get away with. Too much, and it jars. You don’t use it when trying to impress someone with your business writing acumen. (Aren’t i great? i can rant and still use ‘acumen’ in a sentence.)

Likewise, don’t tell me you’re a photographer when your pic is crap, either. Oh yes, all i needed this morning was to be unimpressed, so all who lacked Tweet-value are gone. For me, Tweet-value means they give me a giggle or they’re just nice people. I also got rid of anyone who seemed to be fighting with others online, or who didn’t answer my Tweets to them (despite only a few followers) .

I went from over 150 i was Following to… *drum roll* 55! Howzat? And all of them are now people i either like, am giving a chance to, or they amuse meh. Oh – and i kept some of my news feeds, and some of the brainiac brigade, i like to be stimulated.

Ha, in your face, Al Gore. (Yeah, i unFollowed him again – he doesn’t make me laugh.) I kept Guy Kawasaki but not for the usual reasons.

so he invented a motorcycle

Yeah, I have a soft spot for his bone structure – lovely cheekbones. You can’t keep trading on the past, though. Oops – i just Googled him – turns out he didn’t invent a motorcycle at all – i reckon he changed his name to that to sound cool. In Australia, he’d be known as Kwakka – as that’s what our shorthand for Kawasaki is.

Quite unintentionally, (repeat after me, Her Majesty says, “intent is for wusses”), I’ve made myself look good on Twitter. I’m only Following 55, but 97 are Following me. So desirable am i, i’ll probably have all these people looking to see why so many are Following – and even if they can’t figure it out, they’ll Follow me to be cool.

Of course, i will lose a bunch, once the 100 or so i was Following Unfollow me.

I only unfollowed Tweeple who i didn’t think i really had anything in common with. I’m on Twitter to make friends, keep my brain active, and have a laugh, not to find marks and suckers. World domination’s really just a sideline, and one i’d like to achieve from talent, not just cleavage.

There are plenty like me. Twitter’s really a nice place, once you get rid of the MLM people (“make $$$ ask me how” is not funny, even the first time you hear it).

Darn it, i just found someone interesting – back to 56 I’m Following. Ooh – but i now have 98 Followers – who will be lucky 100? Oops, no, i’m down to 96… damn! Ooh  – back to 97… *reads profile* hmm – i’m worried, why would someone who says “Husband, Dad, Christ follower, Life and Leadership Coach for ministry leaders, Options Trader, online Professor” be following me?

Omfg – it’s from when i posted about being the Queen of Darkness and the Antichrist – i need to go back to Twitter, check religious affiliations! I’m being infiltrated by Christians! That explains the drunk gay Christian who added me last night! He wasn’t really drunk, or gay – that was all a front. (I deleted him for being drunk, i’m fussy that way.)

Yes, “argh kill me” is still the top search for people who find me – the Christians must think i’m actually killing them. Jeez – life’s just fraught. Ooh, Ooh, number 100 *sound of trumpet fanfare* yeah – a business one, but it’s free, so i followed back. Nice Tweets.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

sorry, was i making you dizzy?

It’s not intentional. My two regular visitors will have been close to nausea the way this blog’s been changing colours and styles. My own learning curve with how this works is at fault.

I finally decided the style i wanted was the one i had last week. It’s the only 3 column one I like, and i have all these widgets. They’re the little things around the page – like the Recent Posts widget.

I couldn’t get it to work last week, but read up on it, realised what was probably wrong, reloaded it, and of course, because i wasn’t expecting it to work, it did. So i didn’t need the debugging help after all. Computers are weird. We all know that.

On Twitter, I’m trying to cull the marketers from the Who I’m Following List. I have 51 Followers. You can bet Al Gore is starting to sweat. I’m following 88. I’ve suddenly started getting very young men following me on Twitter, which is a bit scary. I have responsibilities, not to harm their young minds.

Pagan Computer Science

They’re all hyper-achievers, (not the slackers i was expecting – I’m judging people by what i was like at that age again), with websites of their own that show off the most amazing minds. I’m attracting child prodigies. Life gets weirder.

I’ve made some pics on icanhazcheeseburger to cater for my new following – they’re the ones on this post. Which reminds me, no more sex with God. Still, i reckon anyone who sees the header is going to figure out there might be bad language at the bloody least.

Oh yeah, the Sheila Bastard thing. What’s that about? I hear you say. (The miracles of artistic licence.) It’s my name from about 20 years ago, when a friend used to joke that he wanted me as his band manager, but i had to use that name, because it would scare the A&R guys even more than me in full-on World Domination mode would.

It’s a joke, on being Australian -  ‘sheila’ means ‘woman’ in Aussie slang, and ‘bastard’ is both an epithet and a term of endearment. So Sheila Bastard I became. Sheila’s a convenient nickname for those who need a first name, as I’m not prepared to share my own on this blog. Not interested in getting any stalkers.

I now have zero tolerance for those who choose to stay insane. Let them stalk someone else. Me stalking Eddie Izzard and Stephen Fry on Twitter is not the same thing. Oh wow, speaking of Twitter – i just found this. It’s an animated world map of Tweets, quite amazing to watch.

I am up to 55 Followers. Ha, eat my Tweets, Al Gore. And of course, it being Twitter, the number I’m Following has gone up to 82.

Here’s a nice religious poster to end with.

Thought for the Day from Stinginthetale Ministries

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

sex sells

Just with that title, I’ve probably upped the pulling power of this post by 70%. Seriously, is everyone on the net still 15? Still wanking under the covers? Gawd. Everyone’s either sniggering or trying to pretend their genitalia don’t exist.

Yes, I’ve been looking at religious sites again  – some of them were lovely people, others were… a bit strange. The one where Jesus and the bint were about to lock lips especially – if i’d thought that would happen when i became a Bride of Christ, the nuns would have had me at sixteen. My Jesus never tried to grab my jeans-clad buttocks while offering me comfort. i feel cheated.

Anyway, aside from sex, the net is full of people are trying to sell me something. So nothing’s really changed, lol. I had no net growing up, and they were still trying to sell me something, often on the back of sex. People complained then, too.

the problem with bodily fluids

I’m selling myself – i take an alright pic, so my face is up there. I work within the system. I’m not actually hard-selling like so many people i keep running into (not sure if web-bots are classified as people).

I’m astonished at the moment by Twitter, my followers went up by 1/4 overnight from 31 to 40 – though Al Gore’s safe for now at 371,104 followers. I am beating some of the fake Al Gore’s already.

That’s Twitter – looking for suckers, potential clients, web traffic, celebrity (at least in the Twitterverse), and omg, some really nice people? Dare I say it, friends? Yep, it’s just like the real world! Most of the Tweeples are nice. Some are brainiacs, some aren’t, and people are really helpful.

Me, i’m just cruising, Tweeting occasionally, enjoying the view, with CNN, Australia’s ABC, and the Lolcats to give me perspective. I’m not going to link to them all – just look at my following and followers, seriously, there aren’t that many in the list, lol. I get precisely no kudos for you doing that.

I’m not trying to hard-sell anyone anything, and (hold onto your hats), i don’t actually want to be famous. Nope, I’m quite happy to run the world from behind the scenes. Put some bimbo or himbo with chest implants in front, as a target for the assassins.

I’ll quietly remove all the crazy people who think the world’s about to end and we’re all about to get sucked up to Heaven, like in a giant vacuum cleaner – except of course for the sinners, who are like those things that get caught in the carpet and won’t budge. Bits of fingernails. Of course, if God had a cyclonic-action cleaner, the sinners could be saved.

God's Giant Vacuum Cleaner with the Faulty Suction

I can’t believe the Almighty is such a skinflint. Sure,  a Dyson’s expensive, but they’re good. What, the world’s not good enough to deserve a decent vacuum cleaner? What are we, chopped liver? Hang on, i’m talking about the guy who wouldn’t get his only son a lawyer. Anyway, they call it the Rapture, the giant vacuum cleaner.

So they don’t care, about pollution, over population, any of it – because it’s the End of Days, and God’s Hoover is about to start.  Only the holier than thou will be sucked up. Or is that sucked in? They’re the ones who think the world has to be in a horrible state before we can get to the wonderful time we were promised in Revelations.

Does the new US president believe in the Giant Vacuum Cleaner With Faulty Suction? I suspect our Australian Prime Minister does – he’s one of them there e-van-jelly-things too. God save us from the born again’s.

Reading religious websites is wrong, i shouldn’t do it. Just click away when i land on one accidentally. Could have been worse. I could have lost followers on Twitter. Where, i have just tipped 44 followers. Oh yes.

Soon, my jackbooted soldiers will be riding tanks down your street – perhaps you’d better add me to your Twitter Follows before i start thinking you’re expendable? Or not. Up to you. *smiles* Completely. Seriously, do i look like the kind of monarch who’ll hold a grudge?

laugh at my jokes or die, it's a simple choice

45 followers, yes, well done, my Tweeple!

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Sleeping with the fishes takes on a whole new meaning

I was reading back on this morning’s post. Someone’s got to read it, there’s not many people even know about it yet. Still, the work towards world domination continues, i’m up to 31 followers on Twitter.

I expect to be able to invade something (like Poland) once my loyal troops get here, but don’t hold your breath, hardly anyone’s RSVPed to my offer of a good square meal in exchange for invading the Budgewoi foreshore.

part of the McKenzie Reserve in Budgewoi

It’s a lovely spot. Still, perhaps it’s too soon – i should just annex the next house along and wait before i invade the picnic area.

While reading, i check for typos. Mistakes cost meaning. If people always misunderstand you, it’s probably because what you think and what you type are two different things.

Like the guy on a private site i saw this morning – “do you think it’s right,” he blogged, “that the government is giving money to people with work instead of giving it to the people who need it, the people with work?”

No, it doesn’t make sense – he missed out putting an out on the end of the 2nd with. We can figure out what he means (i’ve made it clear in my paraphrased example), but it’s not always that easy.

One of the most common left-out words in internet chat and writing is “not”. The number of times i’ve seen people get in trouble with that one.

Besides, if you don’t read your own blogs, you never get to know that you typoed child sexual abuse as cichlid sex abuse, and so nobody knew what the fuck you were talking about, except some dude with a background in freshwater fish.

The fish bloke  gave you a long and incomprehensible email lecture on how though he had some sympathy with your views, you were never going to convince the mainstream fish hobbyist that baby cichlids could be affected by viewing Toaster Insertions XX.

why you must proofread

Anyway, i was reading, thinking about how i don’t have many readers, and thought, hang on… and i Googled myself. Which was just magnificent. I had one of those “in your face Al Gore!” moments (he’s got a bigger following than i have on Twitter).  Yep *looks proud* I’m on Google.

My last website, which i started back in 1998, despite me trying my best, only made it to Google after about eight years, under the most bizarre search terms. One was shoe. (It’s not there any more – with no notice, Tripod deleted it, after ten years, then wouldn’t explain why they had done so, though they did switch the blank site back on. So screw you guys.)

ZOMG i said to Mr Bastard, after Googling myself, I’m searchable! How good is WordPress? They said they’d get me on Google, and there i am! He was happy for me. He’s seen bits of the content, but he’s not actually reading this, so i could say stuff about him and he’d never know. Hang on, i gave him the URL. Sshhh.

Anyway, i don’t usually write to people to say, excuse me, but when you said you were in favour of killing all people over the age of 23, did you mean you weren’t? Seeing you’re 24?  But damnation, I WANT TO.

Maybe i should start a company, that just reads people’s websites and spots the typos. I could be very sarcastic, and call it Stinginthemail. Charge people, obviously – anyone who’d like their site checked, please make me an offer.

I could give my mother a job, she can spot a typo at 100 paces, we both can. She needs a job, says she can’t live on the pension – i said, ffs, it’s not a lifestyle choice, mother, (not unless i actually make some money some day, and can help her out), but she misheard me, and now thinks that failing to live within your means is a lifestyle choice.

The English language is flexible, (we can live with a different version in every English speaking country) but some things will actually break it.

The Cichlid porn pics are originally from this site and the Burt Lancaster in gaol for cichlid abuse Brute Force pic is from this one.

(I try to be scrupulous about attribution and citing.
If you don’t think i’ve cited your work properly,
or you want a link to your site removed, please – just ask.)

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

Twitter got better

Despite my previous words, about being too scared to go back to Twitter and face Al Gore, I went back and deleted him, and Penn (Penn&Teller). I don’t know who most of the other people are still in my network, but you seem nice.

Sorry, Al, no offence, but you’re not my type, and Penn was too quiet. I did however, find Stephen Fry (who’s divinely funny). He has decided that the fake Eddie Izzard must be dethroned, and so he’s persuaded the real Eddie (who is surreal and so funny) to join. So i now have both of them in my Twitter network. Tres cool, huh?

And my ex in London is still relying on who he knows, pfft. I’ve been on Twitter three days and i’m already rubbing myself on the famous. Sorry about that guys. *offers towels* I feel i should add, whatever the Twitterquette is, Stephen and Eddie are quite safe as i’m too lazy to even stalk them online for long. Eight people are now watching me on Twitter even though i’m not doing much. I posted some experimental twitters last Saturday.

I twitted? Twittered, i think is correct. Then one Twats in the past tense.  I Twattered? I’m not sure of the language, and i’m pretty sure i just made Twitterquette up – easy to feel a right Twit *snigger* or should that be Twat?

So far my loyal disciples fellow Twitters (Twitterers? Twittles? Twitterati? Twits?) are all men, maybe they’re hoping for a wardrobe malfunction. It’s a text-based messager, so they’ll be waiting a while. Oops, i’ll type, my knickers just fell off! and i’ll giggle. This is the way to be popular, i’m pretty sure. Man, i am gonna lay waste to the Twitter Kingdom. Of course i’m naked, I’ll type, while comfy in trackies and slippers – would i lie to you? (note: this is humour/humor and anyone demanding text nudity will be blocked.)

It’s occurred to me that Stephen and Eddie might one day come here - i hope i figure out how to do pages before then, and how to change the bag on the vacuum. I should make clear, they aren’t watching me, i’m watching them. Spooky, huh? Yeah – join Twitter and feel like a stalker in three easy steps, hehehe.

There were a lot of men who used to spend their lives longing for a wardrobe malfunction and who never knew what to call it. Life has changed a lot. My grandmother lived through the coming of the car and the computer, among other things, (1901-84) – i’ll be able to say, i lived through the coming of the video, the camera phone, and the First Great Porn Wave. No, i don’t mean wave your bits at me. Or anyone else.

I just mean now all you have to do is take Google’s Safesearch function off, and you have porn. (It’s either in your Advanced Settings on your google page, or when you get a search result, you’ll see SafeSearch On, or SafeSearch Off at the top of the page. Shazam! Be careful what you google for.)

In the olden days it was much harder. Well, i dunno if harder is the right word. Sheesh. Language is a minefield. These things start so innocently, a throwaway comment here, next thing my email box is stuffed with penises. Pictures of them, obviously, not real ones. I would add, my email is not the same as the name on this blog, i don’t want whoever that is to suddenly be neck-deep in porn and me to be blamed.

*goes to look at twitter and say something more than”blogging and focused on food”*

OMG, bugger Al Gore! I have eleven watchers on Twitter! Ha, in your face, Al Gore, i don’t need you. *reads that over* I obviously didn’t mean actual buggery, i meant i’m shallow – and I wasn’t putting anything in Al Gore’s face or his anything else.

Jeez, this blog is embarrassing – what if Eddie Izzard is tremendously bored, goes for a wander among the thousands who have already added him on Twitter, and he reads this? Or Mr Fry does? He’s a delicate chap, if terribly cosmopolitan – i might affect him badly. He’s had that time in prison … wait, that was Oscar Wilde.

I better change this blog a bit, or people will point, say, yeah, she’s the one who made Stephen Fry look at porn. Assuming anyone has made it this far – after you all took SafeSearch off, you could be lost for weeks.

Ooh – 12 people on Twitter – and one is a girl! Hmm… she’s into inspirational texts, and seems quite popular. I wonder how many times she’s had to drop her knickers to get 42,000+ in her network?

Oh – i see, she’s selling something. Her version of ‘how to find happiness and success, *sound of gagging*, gee, do i look like a sucker? I don’t like people who think they have a mortgage on the Truth. Except when it’s me, obviously. I need to find the delete button.

Nobody’s ramming anything down my throat.

I didn’t mean literally, of course. Damn, language fucks with my meaning again! i mean fucks as in messes with. Not literally fucking with.

Oh look, there’s someone at the door! *runs*

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

i’m hiding from Twitter

It’s the end of the world as I know it… yeah, I joined Twitter. It’s much more fun than I thought. If you don’t know it, it’s a kind of messaging system with a 140 character maximum. I was lucky, a lightning storm came through, i had to break my connection, and Twitter let me go. Phew, I could have been trapped in there for days.

No way is that thing getting my phone number. I may not have a life, but it’s a relaxed, creative non-life, with no mobile phones bothering me in it. Mine rings about once a month. I know – how totally 20th Century.  I like peace and quiet.

So i have no idea why i joined Twitter, other than lots of people i know were doing it, only now i can’t remember their tags on there.  I sent my first Twitter-poseur email, told a girl friend my handle.

Jeez, like I need another timesink. I have my blog! I can easily spend all day messing around in blogland, instead of doing something useful…

graph of a Twitter users network at datamining.typepad.com

……. several hours later

Huh? Oh, damn, what was i saying? I logged back into Twitter, and I think I might be brain dead. I seriously contemplated following Britney Spears (its alright, you don’t have to shoot me, i resisted temptation – maybe it’s Twittertation). I managed to escape with only Al Gore as a Twitter buddy (or whatever) on my list. Jeez. Why did I buddy with Penn out of Penn & Teller? I like their humour, i suppose. But i don’t even like Al Gore! I’m not going back there to delete them all, i’ll start reading again.

*unplugs the net again* save yourselves, lol.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com