i am planning to invade the north…

I’ve decided to invade Queensland. Screw New South Wales, the humidity, and the pollution… wait, i’m looking at my Dashboard here on the blog, and so I’m distracted. Someone found me by looking for “waffle possum” – my post must have been a shock.

Someone else discovered that “funny budgie” meant a pic of a cute one just before he exploded. It’s the way of the web. You go looking for something, and end up lost on a site somewhere else. Quite likely, you end up slightly shocked.

It was a mistake to look at my stats again. With the giant peak at 162 when i got my mention for the social media post, (2 posts ago i think) my viewing figures are fluctuating wildly – lows of 12-14 -  25ish as an average.

Twenty-five a day’s pretty good seeing the blog’s still new (nearly 2 months old), and i’m not really doing much to promote it, or trying to be fashionable. I blog about what i feel like. I hang out on Twitter and be myself. Well, heavily censored, obviously. I’m twitchy about lawsuits. In real life i’m more bitchy about celebs.

Anyway, my Beloved Visitor numbers are climbing nicely overall, if you ignore the spike. I get a steady click through from Twitter from people coming here. People find me through Google. *waves to today’s random visitor* Then there is the one person a week, on average, who found this site while looking for nipples.

Many more found this blog while looking for masturbation. Yes, i talk about masturbation quite often. Orgasm is good for us, mind, body, and soul. I think denial leads to crankiness of the kind that evening primrose and chocolate won’t fix. We’re talking deep-seated crankiness.

Enough about sex, we’re talking about my blog, *sets ego to stun* and how people get here. The point is – if one looks at my blog stats since i started here back in mid-March – i get hits from pretty much every time i comment on someone else’s blog.

Do you blog? If so, you know what happens with comments. Nobody leaves enough of the damn things. I’m really bad at commenting, i quite often formulate careful replies, only to realise i’m way off-topic, and to post would be the worst kind of blog-hijacking.

Like putting an ad for yourself in someone else’s comments. Which you do by commenting, but I’m uneasy about leaving blog links other than the one at the top of the comment form. To me – someone saying, oh yes, i did a blog on that, here’s a link to it – well, it’s pushy. I know it’s fashionable to be pushy, but it’s really not my style.

Blogs that i laughed over so much that i forgot to post comments on in the last couple of days include TheBloggess - who now has a sex column – which is just fabulous. She tackles clown porn, as only she can. Another was a new discovery she recommended, Tree Lobsters. It’s incredibly good.

Oh – and there’s something about a new blog that was recommended on Twitter. Something deeply disturbing.

As i said at the beginning, I have decided to move to Queensland. Deciding this has been sapping, actually. However realising that the black stuff i’m cleaning out of the computers is a mix of pollution and coal dust (there is a power station a couple of miles away, and mines there), decided me.

I’m breathing this shit. We’re in the path of the southerly winds from Sydney, and probably on a windy day, it’s more polluted here than it is in the CBD. I said to Mr Whatsit, i want to move away from here, and we both said Queensland? He’s from there, it’s going home for him. I’ve lived there for years at a time, i like the place.

In other news:

I’ve seen too many really ugly butt cracks, and i can’t take it any more. Besides, the local shopping centre isn’t the place to display your arse cleavage.

The temptation to pour a drink down them is overwhelming.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

have you heard about the word?

I don’t like evangelists. What is it with some people, thinking they have a personal hotline to God that nobody else has? One thing i know about religion – you don’t need an intermediary. If you want God, he/she is right there – that made in their image stuff pays off – they’re a part of you.

To save time – because spiritual exploration does take time, no matter what the born-agains tell you – I suggest you worship me. It’s easy, just read my blog, and my tweet stream – we’re quits. You get the Access All Areas pass to the Kingdom of Darkness.

Oh – and i do not want your soul, (unless i need to sell it to Satan for drugs – I’ll take a raincheck, ta), nor do i need you to be a true disciple. Following me on Twitter is fine – real life, I get paranoid when people are behind me.  Ok, ok, more paranoid.

If i ever get a book published, you need to either buy it, or rave to your mates about how good i am. Both if you can manage it. The rest of it, well, you need to understand you might as well be nice to people. Being hated, no matter how much politicians and lawyers promote it as cool, just isn’t that much fun.

Being nice won’t stop people from being nasty, in fact, you may on occasion need to thump someone (at least figuratively) – but it does mean you won’t have trouble sleeping at night. Salvation and a cure for insomnia – this is how it should be. Value-added worship. Seems to me to be a decent way to run a religion.

Actually, the above is pretty close to my belief system. There are times when you need to stand up to bullies and dictators. There are other times when you need to ignore them, run away, or keep your head down.

It can be better to ignore people – this is one of my favourite net functions. If only we had a Block or Ignore function in real life – aside, obviously, from a court order. I figure fucktarditis might be catching – and it messes with my sense of Zen. If i don’t see fucktards, they can’t annoy me.

When i was eleven, i found out i hadn’t been baptised. I was horrified, as all the Christian religions said that was important. My parents were Church of England and Roman Catholic (Irish branch). I’d gone my own way in primary school, and attended either Scripture class. So i knew that if i’d died before they got around to christening me, i would go to Hell. Christianity is filled with holes in the doctrines, but this never made sense to me. Sending babies to Hell? What kind of forgiving, loving God was this?

After all, let’s take the basic tenet of ALL Christian religions – and God did sacrifice his only begotten son. Jesus died so that our sins were forgiven, and his Coming was the end of Original Sin. Basic, right?

Original Sin was passed down to us by Adam and Eve. God hexed them for wanting to know things  – the Old Testament God was a vengeful bastard who guarded his internet with razor wire. Adam set up a proxy to avoid God’s Giant Net Filter, admittedly, at Eve’s insistence, after someone Tweeted her a link. God got totally miffed and took away their WiFi. And their Wii’s.

Meantime, they were freaked out about being naked, probably from overdosing on God’s drug stash (not as good as Satan’s), and Internet Porn. This was Original Sin. We were all marked – until Jesus died on the cross.  As we were told over and over, the New Testament changed the human contract with God.

No longer were we born sinners. Halle-fucking-lullah. God had morphed, he was now Kind New Testament God With Added Baby Jebus And Wait, There’s More! Now comes complete with Holy Spirit too! If so, how the fuck did unbaptised babies get damned? They hadn’t said they believed. But they don’t say it, i said, the babies can’t talk. Ah, but it covers them until they do. Yeah, right.

This was not the only flaw. Thou shalt not worship graven images, said a commandment – God is Love, said the priests – yet the Catholic churches were full of Christ statues, the bleeding, tormented God of a cult of pain and suffering, and of course, his poor Mum, a late addition. The Trinity was hard enough to understand as far as the “One God To Rule Them All” thing went, but adding Mary made it a nonsense.

Don’t worry about oppression in this life, the Church told me, about fighting for your rights, or about bosses, politicians, and churches lining their own pockets at the expense of workers, electorates, and parishioners – the Afterlife will be better. You’ll be in Paradise. Give us your tiny earnings in the meantime, and the Church will do Good Works. Like buying gold cups to serve communion wine in.

Hmm – and you don’t get that it’s a rort? Designed to keep you pliant and obedient? *shrugs* This is it, people – you’re in-body. This is as good as it gets. Doesn’t matter if you think this is your only life, or one of many - enjoy, for fuck’s sake. Don’t stay with your hated partner for the sake of the children, don’t do the job you hate, in fact, avoid hate, it will poison you and everything you touch. (It’s alright to hate fucktards, because everyone is a fucktard at least some of the time.)

After hitting the fast track – to being claimed by the Church – at about 13 I was supposed to go to my First Confession. No freaking way, i decided – i wasn’t prepared to lie while under oath to God, besides, I was not convinced of God’s existence.

No man was going to hear my sins. You see, even thinking – about anything they call a sin -  becomes a sin in organised religions. They want to torment you with guilt, it’s a good way of controlling you.

As i told Pastor Fred (who’s trying to redeem us sinners, in the comments on the pope porn post), i’m allergic to organised religions. That covers Catholicism and all the schism faiths. That’s you, Pastor Fred, just another Christian offshoot – which is just another offshoot of Judaism, like Islam. It’s the same as every other kind where someone sets themselves up as holier than the rest. Especially those with a caste system.

Frankly, Pastor Fred didn’t stand a chance. Aha, he thought, an embittered Papist, ripe for conversion. Sorry to disappoint, but i’ve made my own religion, and I’m quite happy with God.  Pastor Fred is unabashed, he’s praying for  Nick Hodge, a friendly atheist he found in the comments.

As for Wicca – another organised religion – they at least recognise the Solitary. Wiccans love labels – i still remember the happy sigh as a Wiccan figured out what to label me.

The Solitary doesn’t need to hang out in congregations, or work to get their next badge, but goes their own road. To quote Mel Brook’s Blazing Saddles, “We don’t need no stinking badges!” I’m not Wiccan, by any stretch -  i don’t accept Wiccan belief, practice, or ranks.

Though Wicca is almost as funny as the modern Druids, with their Oak Leaf Second Class bollocks. Some of the herbal knowledge is useful, (the rituals are probably as authentic as the ones in Charmed), but I don’t like cliques, clubs, or people telling me what to think, so Wicca is out. I also don’t believe in their pantheon.

I am not an Atheist – atheism often sounds like organised religion territory – all the shouting about not believing and how strongly they don’t believe.

I don’t care what you believe, but trying to convert me is pointless. I’m happy in real life to talk about religions – if you’re capable of listening, of learning, and of discussing, instead of screeching like a banshee that your Way is the Only Truth. We don’t have to share the same beliefs – i’m happy, if you are, that’s great.

As for the evangelists – if the nuns and priests, with two thousand years of indoctrinating the faithful, couldn’t shake my belief that their God was something evil – when i was just a child – do you honestly think some born-again who doesn’t know history  and thinks the Bible is the actual Word of God is going to do it? Oh, don’t make me laugh!

At around 13, i chose not to be part of the Church. I knew in their eyes this damned me to Hell, but i’d already broken several commandments, so i was damned already. (Using the name of God in vain, um, disrespecting my parents, and… um… oh, coveting - i’d  coveted big time. Mortal sins, go to Hell – Confession won’t help a mortal sin, you’re damned.)

I’d learned to hold my parents and my teachers in contempt, (most) religious leaders too, and i’d also learned that anyone who tried to judge me was likely to be a bigger sinner than i could hope to be. Especially nuns. They were bitter, unloving, vindictive, insincere, the works.

Gosh, what an interesting place this blog is. For me, at any rate, i hope you lot are still enjoying yourselves. So here i am, the most religious person you probably know. I genuinely try to be kind to my fellows, to worship God every day, in letting the joy of being-in-body, and the glory of the world fill me. I meditate, I pray, and of course, i light my votive candles.

I’m also extremely sceptical, do not believe in the Bible, and have read enough of the recent translations of Revelations to know the Rapturists are talking out of their respective arseholes. I understand that it is quite possible i’m lighting candles in a Godless, purposeless darkness. In my perceptions, with what i’ve seen and experienced, i don’t believe that.

I don’t need fellow-worshippers and i don’t need a formal religion. I love talking to genuine scholars of matters religious, whose methods aren’t stymied by their faith. I’ve been studying religions for nearly 40 years. People like Pastor Fred are on a hiding to nothing. Which is why i do so enjoy telling them i’m the Antichrist.

The whole point of the Queen of Darkness is that she is kind to people, unlike most Christians, so – if they’re on the side of Light, then I’m the Queen of Darkness. Yes, i get cranky, yes, i do tend to call a fucktard a fucktard – but being blunt, and speaking the truth, does not preclude being nice to other people. Or even to myself.

If you’re interested in finding your own spiritual path, @GGW_Bach has an excellent starter article on Seven Powerful Ways to Develop Your Spirituality. I’d recommend all seven he mentions.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

let me whip up some hysteria

Someone found this blog by Googling “penectomy” +”cruel” +”shoot”. (That beats the “frog with very long legs” someone used last week. By miles.) Yep, i’m picking up the eunuch crowd. *waves* Hello boys! I mean… um – nullified beings. *smiles sweetly* It was the post where i reckoned castration was too good for the guy who cut down the trees out the back and went on to say what was appropriate. I may have mentioned penectomy.

Penectomy simply means penis removal. Let’s get that out of the way, and move on. Hmm. If one can, when possibly over half one’s audience is crossing their legs, and the other half is Googling “penectomy” +”cruel” +”shoot”. Do not read the Eunuch Porn, people.

It’s stupid, for one thing – how many times do i have to tell you? Some things are not fun in real life? Glamorising them in porn stories just makes people think real life will be like the story. Let’s face it, some things are fucking damaging.

There i was, wondering how to top the Pope Porn in the last post. Easy, you see? As the Antichrist, i have a knack for this kind of thing.

But seriously, folks, that kind of self-hatred (including the kinds of permanent harm that a vociferous minority are trying to make part of the BDSM and fetish world) means one thing – no, don’t go get your bits cut off – it means, do something about your self-hatred.

It’s said a hundred different ways, but “as above, so below” covers my thoughts. Stop the hatred, learn to love yourself – not just because someone else says you’re beautiful, but because you think you are.

So, aside from genital mutilation as an expression of low self-esteem, what shall we talk about? *pokes you with a stick* I said, don’t read the Eunuch Porn, you’ll be damaged. In your mind. You can’t unread Eunuch Porn.

************

In other news - the only people still talking about Swine Flu (the Hamdemic? Spamthrax?) are totally behind the times. On the weekend, the story broke that Mexico had announced that ‘erm, only 12 people died’, not the 200+ everyone had been told, which made 13 people worldwide. Not quite the Aporkalypse we’d been told to expect by the media. The media barely covered it, preferring to keep whipping up fear.

At the same time the media were saying “Everyone’s panicking and over-reacting. *superior sneer* How stupid people are.”  And i wanted to send a group tweet to the news providers i follow on Twitter – to say “Ya reckon people are panicking, you fucktards? Could it be because you’ve done nothing but try to make them fear for their lives for 2 weeks?”

I have no idea what happened to the responsibility of governments and the press not to start witchhunts, panics, and rumours, (if they ever adhered to it), but they’ve excelled themselves with Swine Flu.

Even the @ABCnews got in on the act, screeching that TWO AUSTRALIANS HAVE SWINE FLU – but they were in London, England, just returned from Mexico, or had caught it from friends who had. They weren’t dead, instead one of them appeared later on the TV news, said she was over the worst now, and whinged about the public health in the UK not doing enough. Nobody, she said darkly, had phoned her.

Gosh. You had the flu. That’s all. Yes, you feel like death. It’s not a cold, (surprise!) it’s much fucking worse. If you didn’t exaggerate every sniffle into zombie-mutant-flu-death-Ebola-virus, you’d know the difference.

When i got my first UK flu, the overwhelming sensation was “For pity’s sake, kill me now, someone, please.” Colds, you can soldier on – flu’s you end up in hospital or seriously ill if you try. Fortunately, the person i was staying with knew what to do.

I sat at home, drinking hot toddies made to a special recipe, which included irish whisky, lemon, honey, and hashish. With a side of paracetamol and codeine. It reduced the will to die.

I watched lots of TV, (he left me a selection of suggested videos, Brazil on drugs is excellent, so are samurai movies, but i don’t remember much). I kept up the legal and illegal drugs, which at least stopped most of the pain, and unlike thousands of people, that year and every year, i was one of the millions who catch influenza and live.

Shock! Horror! Because, no matter what the media say,
that’s what humans tend to do.

*********

Of course, i mentioned on Twitter that “penectomy”+”cruel”+”shoot” found my blog, because it was easy to explain in 140 characters, and it’s pushed my blog up the Google rankings. Ha, take that, Al Gore. Not looking so cocky with all those Followers now. (Would you believe, i wrote that sentence without realising the pun?) Soon, people looking for “penectomy” +”cruel” +”shoot” will be sent first to my blog.

We begin with the world of the eunuchs, the de-peenied, the nullified, and the simply unballed, then the Queen of Darkness will probably take over the worlds of those who wear Star Trek uniforms, and we’ll shoot them. Wait, *looks thoughtful* I meant not shoot them, of course. *smiles again* I meant steal their hits on Google.

I was offered spiritual counselling as a result of my last blog.
I wonder what will happen this time?

Once again, i blame the voices-outside-my-head.

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

some evil for the weekend, sir?

Let’s see, i do believe i promised sex and religion. Possibly not combined, but hey, there’s a reason all us nice rejected-Catholic girls fantasise about priests. (I’m not lapsed – leaving the Church was a deliberate decision of rejection on my part.) What do you mean, you don’t fantasise about priests? Not even the pastor? You’re missing some primo fantasy material.

I’ve seen some interesting pornos featuring nuns too. Not to mention all those movies where repressed female sexuality smouldered at repressed male sexuality. Anything with nuns in. Like that John Holmes porn movie with the nuns.

Actually, he was the unsexiest bloke – around 11 inches of penis, and the acting abilities of a stick insect. They made 70′s porn stars look good in that movie with Burt Reynolds and Mark Wahlberg. In his porno movies, John Holmes made Lurch in the Addams Family look like Cleo Magazine’s Bachelor of the Year. And he never got fully hard *yawn* so they were always trying to ‘stuff a softy’. (It’s a technique for achieving penetrative sex with a semi-flaccid penis. Don’t ask how i know these things. Thinking about it, am pretty sure i read it in the sealed section of a woman’s mag.)

Anyway, so to me, the only thing hotter than doing the priest (in religious scenarios) is possibly doing the pope. Not the current pope, obviously – or the last one* shudders and makes sign of cross against Nazi-vampire-Benedict-JohnPaul-narcoleptic-sex* – i am not into evil turtlemen. Though if you are, hey, i won’t judge you – power does things to people’s bits. I want to do fantasy-pope – one of the depraved medieval ones, maybe. Ideally in front of the entire College of Cardinals. Do note, in real life, i have no desire to achieve this – ta all the same.

Popesex beats being nailed to a cross, seriously. You need a helper for crucifixion, it’s not a solo sport. Some people do it without nails, and use chains instead. I’m not into crucifixion, obviously – I’m the Antichrist. Crucifixion’s a very Roman Empire fantasy. Lots of men with hard thighs and breastplates. And short swords. What a disappointment.

There are crucifixion porn stories on the net – but then there is every kind of porn story you’ve never imagined on the net. The net porn industry is not constrained by little things like ‘physical impossibility‘ or ‘impossible without lube‘. If it “will cause permanent damage” that’s okay too. Or even ‘fatal‘.

A lot of people think internet porn is real life, just because someone says “this really happened”. ‘Ecological disaster‘ is alright too. There was one where hundreds of baby octopus died. (I’ve read things I can’t unread, that’s all i’m going to say. )

Apropos of nothing (or “i can’t figure a way to segue neatly into this, so i’m just telling you”) : Since doing that post on using Twitter (and mentioning that i’ve never deleted a Tweet), i’ve done so many typos i can hardly believe it. I nearly deleted 4 posts they were so bad. Thought i’d mention that in case anyone thinks i’m MsTwitterPerfect, or that i think i am.

I forgot to mention – the way to do those neat short URL’s on Twitter (or anywhere else) is to go to TinyURL and it’s free. Or Google “URL shorteners” – there’s lots. I use another site – bit.ly – when i post my evil missives (blog posts) on Twitter – i can see at a glance how many people clicked on that URL, or if it got sent on and used in other places on the net.

As i said, I’d like to focus on religion and porn, but Mr Whatsit is watching Saturday TV and has ended up on a fashion program on the Lifestyle Channel. I think he’s waiting for Grand Designs.  “Glorified coathangers!” he’s shouting at the screen. And he keeps screaming in revulsion as skinny girls stagger in weird undulations down a catwalk. “My God! Clothes don’t look right on them!” Ahh, neat segue, Mr Whatsit.

So, religion, “opiate of the masses”? or is that football? Personally, i think it’s all just a distraction – sex too – if you’re obsessed with those, you won’t be thinking about how badly your country is being governed, or the numbers of poor going without basic healthcare while the christian church, a bloated monstrosity, is the richest entity on the planet.

Because obviously, if you did consider it, you’d be sick over how awfully unfair it all is, and unable to wank over the idea of kneeling under the priest’s lecturn and… “OMG she’s ANOREXIC!”

Yes, thanks, Mr Whatsit, completely broke my thread there. I realised that i promised politics and world domination, as well as religion and sex. Well, i did mention politics. So one to go.

World domination is simple, really – I’m the Antichrist, the Queen of Darkness – vote me for World Ruler. Any opposition will be Disappeared. I don’t intend to wipe them out.  They’ll be at church or the pub, searching for internet porn, and betting on the footy, just like they are now – wasting time getting het up about things that don’t matter.

There *wipes brow* more politics, more religion,
and perhaps a soupçon of egotistical rant.

Is it just me, or is it warm in here?

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com

tweet me a river…

While i’m in the mood to explain things (see last post for Tips on Starting a Blog), here’s my take on Twitter. I joined it on March 14th (i think), and i enjoy it.

Twitter is not a chat room though it might seem like one. It’s like a river of words running past, or a big party/coffee shop/dinner party going on, and you’re there. Unless someone ‘protects updates’ (so you can’t see their Tweets), you can see anyone’s words in the Tweetstream, if you know their Twitter username.

When you join Twitter, they offer you some selected celebs and interesting folk to start your list. You can always access Twitter’s ‘Suggested Tweeters’ list using the Find People link later, but check some boxes and move on.

You can also UnFollow people – i’ve at various times added Al Gore, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, and Australian politicians, then removed them – they didn’t amuse meh. Oh – and you can block. I have Oprah on Block. Yeah, it’s an empty gesture, but i enjoy it.

Once you’ve seen the front page, click on Settings, and put up a pic -some kind of avatar. People don’t mind  you having a pic of something non-human, someone famous, (providing you’re not pretending to be the ‘real’ famous person), or a caricature, long as you have something they can recognise you by. Don’t put pics that will make people sick. (I”ve unfollowed 3 people because of stupid pics.) Put in a link to your website if you have one. If you’re with wordpress, don’t forget to put the http:// before your site name.

Once you catch your breath, you can experiment with new Twitter backgrounds, changing your text colours (there’s a reset button, you can always switch it all back), and as you look at other people’s Twitter pages, you’ll see the possibilities, and also the mistakes people can make.

Save your changes, and look at the front page again (click Home or Twitter). Click on someone’s name, look at their Twitter page, with their updates, and a button to click if you want more. It’s easy to unFollow someone. Two clicks under their pic.

The way Following works – unless i’m following you back, if you follow me then you see my updates, i don’t see yours, unless you put an @ in front of stinginthetail, or use the Reply option on the post, and say something to me. I may still miss it. It may be a day before i spot it, (though it’s easy enough to miss a post), and either, smile, frown, laugh, think, roll my eyes, and/or maybe, decide to answer you. Sometimes, there’s no need. (It’s not a chat room, remember?)

I like to acknowledge people, but i’ll also  ReTweet – this also shows you i saw you. I RT if your post is good in my opinion – but don’t forget, if i can’t reduce it to 140 characters including your username, it won’t get RT’ed.

stinginthetail RT @pressdarling How do you cure #swineflu? WITH OINKMENT!

Everyone knows, it’s not my post, it’s his, and i’m just sharing something. Sometimes, people will thank you for the RT, but not always – it’s not required but can be the polite thing to do. EDIT : to make it clear. I thank people who RT my blog posts – it’s not necessary to thank people for just RT’ing a funny/interesting tweet of yours. However, businesses thank people for every business RT.

Here we are at your first post – usually people say, well here i am on twitter, or is this thing on? or words to that effect. And you click that Update button. Your words are in the Tweetstream.Usually, you wish you’d said something else.

Meanwhile on Twitter, someone’s picked up the ReTweet post i did. I got a credit too, which is nice, you don’t always – when this happens, people (who don’t follow me, so can’t see me) get to see and they may follow.

SolidAltar RT @stinginthetail: RT @pressdarling How do you cure #swineflu? WITH OINKMENT!

You begin to learn a lot about marketing, particularly MLM (multilevel marketing), and PR. Quite by accident. Lots of marketing people have trends they follow – if you say words like sex, marketing, PR, MLM, or even beer - someone will click Follow on your profile to sell you something. Oh – try not to say God. Or religion.

When you finally get the courage up to talk to someone, don’t expect people to answer, to laugh at your jokes, to reply right away (if at all), if you laugh at theirs, or to Follow you back just because you follow them, send a post, or RT one of theirs. However, it does happen, a famous person tweeted back at me.

I nearly fell off my chair, secure as i’d been in the knowledge that by tweeting at celebrities, the rightfully famous, and the wannabes, i’d never be noticed. I managed to stammer something back, as it was a serious discussion subject.

That was it, so far (i talk to lots of others, just not him lately) – i haven’t had anything to say to him. Tweeting at people – when you don’t have anything to say, or you don’t show any signs of having been following their tweets, or have decided to sell them something – will get you blocked.

The more used to Twitter you get, the longer it’s likely to take you to start following people back. I decide like this. I see i have  more followers (i have my email set up to let me know – you can stop these reminders, but i find them useful, as i don’t have to read them, i just delete them unread), and look at their Twitter page. Nothing there? Do they have a website?

Do they Tweet? If they’re not talking, unless their site’s something i like a lot, i don’t refollow. Likewise, if all they do is crack jokes, and don’t engage with their followers, i’m not really interested either, no matter how funny they are – i’m not into ego-feeding on that level.

You can see if they talk back simply by clicking on their name – are any of their Tweets marked ‘in reply to’ with another person’s @username in it? This function is good, click the link, see what’s being replied to. Are any of their @ posts answered? I like to open all links in new windows/tabs, so i don’t lose the original person i was interested in. If you like what you see, click Follow.

If all of their posts are RT’s, likewise, you may find them interesting, to help you branch out into following new people, but it may get boring if that’s all they do. A lot of Twitter is posting off-Twitter links – people who send me to marketing sites get unfollowed fast. (Not all marketing people are incapable of interaction. Some are just like normal people.)

Before you know what’s happening, you’ll have lots you follow, and some who follow you back. Some people Follow everyone back, and instead of looking at the Twitter home page, use various searches (and separate programs) to filter the Tweetstream. Twitter’s just brought in their own version of this – with searches on the front page, trending topics, and hashtags # – which is another way of showing a topic.

You can’t force Twitter to pay attention to you. Usually, don’t RT yourself. I tend to unfollow those who retweet their own quips or post the same post over and over. However, if someone’s in a band, say, i don’t mind them RT’ing themselves to promote the band – i’ll even RT to help out.

I tweet that i’ve done a new blog post. If i do it late at night, i’ll do another in the morning – which covers most timezones. I need to cater to Australian and USA waking hours – they’re more than 2/3 of my blog visitors and my Tweetstream. I warn my followers if it’s a blog post i’ve promoted before, “this is the one about nipples” say, so they should remember if they’ve read it.

On the main page, other options on the menu are @stinginthetail which shows me tweets using my name – when i remember to look. Next is Direct Messages which shows me my DM’s – Twitter’s version of the private message. You can only DM someone who is following you.

Then Favorites, which shows you posts you’ve clicked the Favorite link on – (i don’t use this much so far, but it adds to their popularity). All posts have Favorite and Reply links – and your own posts will also have a Trash button. You can delete, but someone’s already seen it. I’ve never deleted a post. I figure bad typos, and things which in hindsight are stupid, are par for the course and let it stand. Someone may already be RT’ing it.

If you have a business name, or want to get your own name, then join now, you don’t have to use it yet. Watch the Twitterverse flow, follow links to other people, the web, and find more people to Follow.

You’ll find a person who laughs at a joke you make, or says, hey, i do know where you can find one of those. You’ll make friends and what i call VA’s – Valued Acquaintances. These are people who i ‘know’ but am not close to. They may retweet my funnies, be part of a crowd I follow many of, but may have never talked much, corresponded privately, etc.

Amongst them are people who don’t follow me back and have never shown any signs of noticing i exist. I’ve cracked jokes/been helpful/said something cool @ them, they’ve ignored me- even if other people have retweeted. They’re not my mates in any way, shape, or form. I’m just stalking them. I’m hanging around them at the ‘party’ and listening. They don’t hate me, they just don’t want to follow me.

I mentioned, Twitter’s not a chat room. You don’t tend to get the unending streams of helloes and goodbyes – in fact, anyone who does this much is a quick Unfollow.

Once you get more than a few followers, you’ll start thinking, omg, i can’t keep track, who are these people  -are any of them following me? Who’s following me who i haven’t followed back that i might like to?

I recommend Twitter Karma – easy-to-use site that makes it easy to see all Followers on one page, and Unfollow or Follow, just by checking a few boxes then doing a bulk action. They have a direct ‘sign in with Twitter‘ link (that only Twitter-trusted companies get) but that may be down – this is due to Twitter rejigging their sign-in process to prevent hacking, not because they don’t trust Twitter Karma.

For such a small thing, Twitter takes some explaining.  I’ve cut over 2,200 words down to about 1,800. Arrgh. Next post is going to be back to simple subjects, like world domination, religion, politics, and sex!

© stinginthetail.wordpress.com